Against my better judgment (and keep in mind that I have no better judgment), at the request of Glamour Diva (the self-confessed Wentworth Miller fiend), I taped the two hour encore presentation of “Prison Break”.

Can’t say I hated it, can’t say I loved it. I’m hovering somewhere in between ambivalence and apathy, between popcorn and cotton candy. Anyway, I’m waiting for “Invasion” with Eddie Cibrian (and them dimples that just drive you right off a damn cliff. Lord have mercy!) so until ABC airs it, I figure “Prison Break” might be suitable background noise.

So, just what the fudge did I think?

OK. It’s an improbable, clichéd story, full of gaping plot holes that you could trip and fall into and never make your way out of. FOX wants me to believe that pretty-boy Wentworth Miller has not only the cajones but the unmitigated gall to get himself arrested for a crime so he can pirouette his sweet candy ass smack in the middle of a hard core prison facility full of Zulu warriors to help his brother break out?
Fo shizzle? No wizzle!

OK, I am down with the help thy brother. I know we are our brothers’ keepers. But, I don’t have a brother. I have a sister, and even if she did lose her blanking mind and get herself sent to some hardcore prison for women, I am quite sure I would not sit in my spacious office and dream up a scheme to bust her out. I don’t believe or trust Michael’s motives for wanting to save Lincoln so much that he would go to such extremes. Most folks who have people on Death Row usually just try to work with the irrevocably broken, highly corrupt and prejudicial legal system. But, maybe “Prison Break” can serve a greater purpose. Perhaps, people with loved ones on Death Row could plot to break their loved ones out of prison! I am hoping this idea spreads and catches fire!

Maybe I don’t believe Miller as an avenging brother because I’m not a structural engineer, who knows?

And speaking of structural engineering? How coincidentally cool it is that Lincoln has a baby brother who’s a structural engineer? And how even more awesome that Michael happened to design the very prison that Lincoln is housed in as he waits on Death Row? I mean, horror of horrors, suppose that Michael had helped to design some other prison? What oh what would Lincoln have done?

Yes. . .I do understand that I have to suspend my disbelief but suspension only goes so far before it snaps, flies back, and hits you in the face, putting your damn eye out!

Let me continue: OK, I will concede that Miller is a good actor but that elitist tone and those highbrow mannerisms bother me. I personally don’t think his character has the wherewithal to carry out this inane plot. Miller tries to play Michael as so driven and focused and clever. He’s an everyman. He can talk to the Neo-Nazis. He can be down with the brothers.

So, what the fudge did I like?

Well. . .I liked that nice slab of beef Dominic Purcell.

As galxayMafia used to say, “I’ll buy that for a dollar!”

All the TV folks and chat rooms and message boards are having fainting spells over “breakout star” Wentworth Miller but that pansy zebra (he is half-African American, ya know. . .oh, you didn’t know?) is a bit too lean for me. I’m down with Jack Sprat’s wife. I need a nice Brahman bull and Mr. Purcell will do quite nicely, thank you! In addition to being nice and bulky, he comes off like a real guy. See, I could see him trying to break Miller’s wuss ass out of prison. He carries off his scenes quite nicely, considering that hokey dialogue. He takes the character serious enough with out trying to make him into a recovering bad guy with a heart of gold. He plays his character a decent mixture of sensitivity and apathy and with a healthy mistrust for the Negros! That’s always a plus, eh?

Finally, things about “Prison Break” that make me wanna holla!

Everybody in the prison is ranting and raving and having a hissing fit over how very pretty Michael is! Makes you wonder if Wentworth Miller had a clause written in his contract demanding that in each scene, he be referred to as “pretty”. But, what I wonder is, if he’s so pretty to all the good little boys in cellblock A, why haven’t they given it to him up the ass? Maybe that will be a “Very special episode of Prison Break”.

What the hell was up with that twitching, wild-eyed black girl soothsayer? Why the hell didn’t she comb her hair? She might as well have been screaming “Beware the Ides of March!” I mean, if she was so scared of the “unseen forces” that “are all around” watching and who killed her boyfriend, then why the hell would she talk to the little Baylor grad? And if the “unseen forces” are really that clever and powerful, wouldn’t they have foreseen her as an expendable and killed her?

And why do they always have to make the rich girl (the governor’s daughter who’s a doctor at the prison) have issues with her daddy and/or the fact that she has money so she decides to slum instead of taking some glamorous position with an upscale physician’s clinic in Manhattan? That’s why I like Paris Hilton. She’s a rich girl who’s not afraid to be a damn rich girl!

And what’s up with the subplot with Michael’s Latino cellmate and his girlfriend? Is that going to figure into the plot in any reasonable way (and if it could) or are the producers just trying to keep LULAC off their backs?

Last but not least, why does Wentworth Miller always make those constipated faces? Does he have irritable bowel syndrome, or something? Maybe that’s why his nickname is “Stinky”

copyright 2005
galaxyMafia. . .might watch the next damn episode of "Prison Break"