Happy Birthday to us!

Who would have thought that two opinionated black girls from Texas, with too much time on their hands and not enough cash, would have been able to focus on a blog for one solid year? Okay so there was that time in May 2005 (it was summer and we both had some serious issues so give us a break yo!) when we slacked off in a major way but we’ve pretty much stayed the course since then. We’ve even managed to make a few friends, a few enemies and hopefully, entertained and educated our readers along the way.

Most of all, we’ve been able to relieve some stress by sounding off on some of the hottest topics of the day (racism, sexism…pretty much all the major “isms”) as well as some of the old tried and true areas of discord such as why men are so dangnabit stupid and why women continue to put up with their shit as well as, and this is the part that really chaps our collective hides here at SATS, assist them in their mistreatment of us by buying into their idea of what women should be. But that, as we say here at SATS, is another post altogether. So on with the festivities!

Sit back, relax, and join us as we take a tour through the last twelve months of our existence; the highs…the lows…the kvetching and moaning…the calling out of politicians, public figures, celebrities, and the common rabble (and yes even ourselves!) on their shit…so on and so on ad nauseam (or ad infinitum if you prefer)…:

Extra! Extra! Miss Sakamoto Interviews The Sushi Girls™!

Miss Sakamoto: Why did you want to start a blog?

galaxyMafia: Initially, this blog was called The Sushi Diaries and it's sole function was to support the non-fiction novel GD and I were writing called "How To Eat Sushi Off A Guy" or something like that. I may have the title wrong. But, the blog was created to generate interest in the book. I was hoping that if lots of people came to our blog and started talking about it, publishers would come a-knockin' with book deals. Well, that's what I get for hoping, right?

Glamour Diva: Because GM wanted to start a blog to support the non-fiction novel we were writing. I always thought blogs were silly and a bit self-indulgent and I’m self-indulgent enough as it is (as proven by my ever expanding middle) but GM was able to convince me this would be the exception. Well it wasn’t. Sometimes it’s a chore and I really do “phone it in” on occasion but “hope springs eternal” as the poem goes; Random House is bound to catch on soon. Right?!?!?

MS: What is your favorite entry?

GM: I don't have one specific favorite but I like the "Shut Up" posts by GD. As for my own posts, well, I think they're all kind of silly. The truth is, I am not the best non-fiction satirist. I'm much better at fiction which is why I introduced serialized fiction to the blog. . .don't know if that was a good idea or not????

GD: This is hard! I love all my babies but I guess if I had a shotgun to my head and Dick Cheney’s dirty, raggedy, claws on my booty I’d have to pick All Hail Glamour Diva! Queen of All She Surveys! I think it really set the tone for the blog and the way GM and I think about men. I also love GM’s White Girls Can’t Loose! It’s funny because it’s true! [Giggle]

MS: What is your favorite comment?

GM: In March of 2005, when we first put the blog up, my sister gave us our first comments and I'll always appreciate that. Here's another comment I like: "I'm with you on this galaxyMafia. I dig Ben, too regardless of how smaltzy the movie is." That was posted by Donna and it was cool to find someone else who could appreciate a tall, handsome man. I wrote a post about Ben Affleck as a counter to all the foolishness about a certain "zebra" who acts on a FOX show and whose name I shall not write in this interview!! I promise!!!

GD: Oh this one is easy! I sho nuff love "Bob" telling me how fine he is and how I couldn't handle a real man like him! Not only is it representative of most of my experiences with the opposite species but it was the beginning of my very first blogosphere fight!

MS: Whose name are you always happy to see in your comments?

GM: Other than my sister, I have to say probably a lady named Donna.

GD: Yes Ms. Donna is my favorite too! We miss you Donna!

MS: What are your favorite blogs/bloggers?

GM: I really don't look at other people's blogs. If I do, I start thinking, “I don't have time to read this. I need to work on my own blog!

GD: I don’t really have a favorite either. The ones we have listed on the blog are good but I don’t think I could call any of them my “fav”. I really don’t have time for too much intense blog reading ya know?

MS: If you could change/rewrite one blog, what would it be?

GM: I'd probably take "Bulletproof Love" and cast another actor. Maybe Eddie Cibrian, or even Ben. But then I like them so it would have a completely different tone.

GD: I don’t think I would change anything really. I like going back and reading about whatever it was that interested me or pissed me off in the past. I like seeing how much I’ve grown…or not grown as the case may be…

MS: What has changed most for you in the past year?

GM: I have become a lot meaner and more contrary. I can't stand or put up with anything but, I know I have issues and I'm working on them. Sort of.

GD: Well I certainly write more which is good but other than that, nothing damn much! I was always a contrary, verbal bitch so really nothing.

MS: What has your greatest accomplishment been in the past year?

GM: I finished my romantic comedy and I actually allowed other people besides my sister to read it and they liked it. I'm also writing a mystery and my co-workers really like that so I figure I'm soon to be published.

GD: Once again, my writing. There’s more of it now and I’m more disciplined about getting it out there.

MS: What man/men personify your tagline the most?

GM: Believe it or not, I have to say Ben Affleck. I suppose he is my dream soulmate (Jenny G notwithstanding) but, really, when he opens his mouth nothing comes out put pontification, postulation, speculation and invocation. It's all sound and fury signifying nothing. Pomp and circumstance without sentiment or substance. Other than that, it's all good.

GD: No question…Paul Walker baby! If there is anyone who should be objectified and not heard it’s that walking Faberge Egg! He’s utterly useless but good night is he ever beautiful!

The Twelve Months Of Sex and the Sushi

So we totally cribbed this idea from Bitch magazine but since they’ve been around for ten years and we’ve only been blogging for one, we really couldn’t have lots of big lists on our top ten thus and suches so we decided to do lots of little lists on our top twelve thus and suches. [Heh! Get it? One for each month!]

12 Sexy Men We Love – The Game, Xzibit, Jonathan Togo, Adam Rodriguez, Matthew Gray Gubler, Common, Evan Marriott, Ben Affleck, Eddie Cibrian, Tom Brady, Jerry O'Connell, The Rock

12 Men We’d Marry If We Believed In Marriage – Barack Obama, Al Gore, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Tavis Smiley, Ed Bradley, Ken Griffey Jr., Boris Becker, Nate Berkus, Shane Lynch, Peton Manning, Ronde and Tiki Barber


12 Men We’d Quit Our Jobs For – Steve Jobs, The Sultan Of Brunei, Leonard Lauder, Haim Saban, Charles C. Butt, David Filo, John R. Menard, Jr., Prince Harry, Larry Ellison, the Google Guys, Richard Branson


12 Sexy Men Over 40 We Love – Harry Belafonte, Paul Newman, Harvey Keitel, Richard Roundtree, Robert DeNiro, Keanu Reeves, Tom Selleck, Tom Wopat, Timothy Dalton, Donald Sutherland, Avery Brooks, Dennis Haysbert


12 Men Prettier Than Wentworth Miller – Carlos “Caco” Ricci Souza, Leo Peixoto, Paul Walker, Travis Fimmel, Jude Law, Ryan Phillippe, Elijah Wood, Jason Momoa, Orlando Bloom, Tom Welling, Louis Garrel, Karim Aum


12 Mopeds (“Fun to ride but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on it”) We Hate To Love – 50 Cent, Scott Stapp, Lenny Kravitz, Vince Vaughn, Bono, Tego Calderón, Michael Buble, Mark Walberg, David Beckam, Jesse James, Jay McGraw, Jesse Metcalf

And One Mo Damn Thing!

Ms. GD and galaxyMafia don’t agree on many things but one thing we are always of one mind on is how much we love or readers – Thank you so much to all our Dear Readers!

When we started this we never expected to garner such a following or any following for that matter. But with great power comes great…HATERS!

Yes we know we’re hated (or at the very least despised) by many of our more disgruntled (yet still very much loved) readers. To you we give our most sincere and heartfelt thanks for disliking us so very much and for expressing that dislike all up and down our blog! With out you we would not have experienced a 50% jump in page views as well as recognition on other sites/blogs/forums. So keep on hating on us, linking to our blog, talking trash behind our backs, removing us from your sites and leaving us “anonymous” comments. We really do appreciate it! Seriously…we do!

Cheers!

Smooches and High Fives,
galaxyMafia & Glamour Diva

Instead of my usual recapping of celebrity pseudo-events, I’d like to rant about something entirely different dear reader. The last few comments I’ve received (all from “Bob”) have been quite salty indeed and Ms. GD simply can not sit on her neatly manicured hands any longer! Now let me preface this by saying…Bob…that the following open letter has almost nothing to do with you so don’t go getting your panties in a twist and sending me all sorts of nasty little emails and comments. Okay pookie pants? To paraphrase Carly Simon (translation: misquote), you’re so [lame], I bet you think this post is about you! (Giggle, snicker, guffaw)

Are you ready dear reader? It’s time to play…SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS with your host, GLAMOUR DIVA! [Insert canned cheers, applause, and calls for Ms. GD’s immediate appointment to Queen of the United States]…

My Dear Male Subjects,

Why oh why do you persist in reaching beyond your grasp? And why must you always give women the emotional bitch slap when they try to do the same? What I’m writing about gentlemen is the age old quandary of why men think they are entitled to any woman they desire and why women are repeatedly made to settle for less! Just who the frig do you think you are? I mean really! Read this very carefully gentlemen. Print it out and place it right next to that moldy condom you've been keeping in your wallet because you will certainly need to refer to it on occasion. What you are about to read are the hitherto unspoken and unpublished rules for mating with the female of the species:

1. “To thine own self be true” – Know what you REALLY want. If you only like Asian women then for pity’s sake don’t bother the black/white/Latino ones! If you only like thin women then for the love of Mike, don’t so much as speak to the fat ones! And if you only like young tender chickens then mercy, mercy me leave the geriatric patients the hell alone! We all have an innate sense of what turns us on and what turns us completely the frig off so listen to what your heart and mind is telling you and don’t let “society” tell you any different cause we all know she’s a nosey heifer!

2. “Start with the man in the mirror” – Yes it’s cruel but we all know who the ugly ass people are and they know it too! If you know you’re a troll then embrace your troll-ness (Now when I say troll I mean troll! Not cute, cuddly garden gnome or kindly elf or fuzzy footed Hobbit but T.R.O.L.L.! If you still aren’t sure then keep this handy image in mind…garden gnome=Tony Blair, Troll=Alan Greenspan).

3. “No romance without finance” – If you’ve discovered that you’re a troll then be prepared to spend some money! Even if you find another troll mate you are still gonna have to spend some dough so baby get used to it (Just because your woman is ugly doesn’t mean she can’t do any better than your ugmo butt)! The amount of money you spend will always rise in direct response to how physically unattractive you are so if you can frighten Quasimodo then you better have more cheese than the Sultan of Brunei!

4. “Diversify” – If you can’t beat’em…do something else! Admittedly, not everyone on the planet can be filthy rich or as pretty as Paul Walker (no one is as pretty as Paul Walker!) so if you aren’t one of the previous, here are other things you can do/be:

a) Smart-Not just cleaver but mondo intelligent like Jonas Salk, Nikola Tesla, Blaise Pascal or Charles Babbage. Women (especially Ms. GD) dig smarties!

b) Nice-That’s right guys; it really works! If you have impeccable manners, love your mother, are kind to animals, and don’t talk to women like they just grew a tail then they will dig you. It might take her a while to see past the sparkling blue of Paul Walker’s eyes, or the quadruple threat of Tiki and Ronde Barber’s biceps but yes she will eventually see you and she will be pleased!

c) Casanova Incarnate- Please don’t turn this section into a license to be a cad (See letter b)! Just because you think you could sweet talk the panties off Claire of Assisi doesn’t mean you should. But there is something to be said about the ability to lay pipe and lay it well. The one thing to remember, the one thing that most men forget is that not all women are alike. This means that just because activity “A” made Peggy’s toes curl does not mean that the same activity will make BunKeisha’s toes curl. In fact, it just might piss her off so if I were you I’d ask her first! Now, I suggest you get several sex books (BOOKS! Not porno magazines!), read them, take notes, talk to women openly and honestly about sex (don’t try to screw them! Damn! Just Talk! You know, like you do with your boys and ugly women?), stop masturbating for a while (Just trust me on this one please), and take your time!

5. “No friggin means no!” – If you are unwilling or unable to do any of the previous, then leave us all the hell alone! Please don’t blow up our cell/home phones, buy us gifts, send us shout outs over the radio or stalk us! We don’t want you. Go away and stop begging for a bone like the dirty, flea infested dog you are! How would you feel if an ugly woman kept riding your ass? That’s right! That is precisely how we feel! By George I think he’s got it!

I know this seems harsh and rude as all get out but it has to be said because men lie! You say you want Marie Curie, Naomi Campbell, and Mother Teresa all rolled into one but what you really want is an even more vapid version of Naomi Campbell (Or Amber Valletta or Giselle Bundchen or who the frig ever!) to gap her legs for you whenever YOU want her to and to never speak until she’s spoken to!

Maybe, just maybe, after you’re ancient and you’ve run through most of the women in the Western Hemisphere, you’ll start to think about how you’ve wasted your life on wine, women and song and how now you’d like a true companion and a couple of kids but guess what? The women who fit the description are also ancient with dried up ovaries and the young women with moist, succulent ovaries…let me hear you say it baby…WON’T WANT AN OLD TROLL LIKE YOU! Scary ain’t it?

And now back to your regularly scheduled program …GD

Below you will find a detailed list of the men that Galaxy Mafia would eat sushi off of (that is, if she had the time to do it and if the men had the guts to lie there and keep still. . .):

Please note: Galaxy Mafia is patently and irrevocably shallow. To make her list, a man must be:
1) Tall. . .(At least 6 feet so that Galaxy Mafia can wear a 4-inch heel)
2) Very well built. . .(Galaxy Mafia likes muscles. The specs must be impeccable)
3) Handsome. . .(But, not too pretty)

You may not agree with Galaxy Mafia. . .and that would probably be because you have no taste and are most likely suffering from spatial dementia.

Backstreet Boys
Boyz II Men
The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson
Mark Kerr
Ben Affleck
Shane Lynch
Matt Damon
Ken Griffey Jr.
Eddie Cibrian
Brad Pitt
Chad Michael Murray
James van der Beek
Peyton Manning
Donovan McNabb
Boris Becker
Freddie Prinze Jr.
William Holden
Tom Brady
Jeremy Sumpter
Dean Cain
Coby Bell
Cary Grant
Jerry O’Connell [in series “Sliders”]
Jude Law
Timothy Dalton
Travis [the CK model]
Ashton Kutcher
Elijia Wood
Evan Marriott
Prince Harry
Tiki Barber
Ronde Barber
Ryan Phillippe
Josh Hartnett
David Gallagher
Jean Claude Van Damme
Joey Lawrence
Gavin McGraw
Nate Berkus
Marlon Brando
Jacob Young
David Fumero

This list is in no particular order.

Some names may be misspelled. . .however, Galaxy Mafia does not need to spell a man's name correctly in order to eat sushi off of him.

Galaxy Mafia may add (or subtract) from this list at her discretion.