"I hate it. . .I sometimes wish my nose was broken once or twice more. People discount me ... I've always had a chip on my shoulder about that."
– Paul Walker on being called a “pretty boy”

Dear Paul, I agree.

It bothers me that you are so pretty, as well. For a long time, I have felt that you need to “ugly up” a bit but, unfortunately, I have no idea what on earth you could possibly do to become ugly. Short of some spell cast on you by some wicked witch or having acid thrown at you (which I would not want you to have to go through), I think you’re stuck with that pretty mug of yours. I understand you want your nose broken, and while I would be happy to do it, I really don’t think it would work. Some overzealous plastic surgeon would patch you right up and then you’d be right back where you started. Also, I don’t think you realize how it would hurt to have your nose broken. So, before you have something like that done to yourself, you should probably consider your tolerance for pain.

Paul, I fear that unless you get hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels (and who knows if that will do the trick), you will always and forever be pretty. Alas, I cannot feel your pain Paul. I do not, nor will I ever know, what it is like to be a 6”3, blue-eyed, blonde surfer dude. But, here is what I think you should do. Instead of being upset, as Beyonce would say, work your damn jelly. Paul, not only are you incredibly handsome (and I mean that in the worst way possible) but you are tall and that is no small feat. Women drop dead in the street for you Paul. They will quit their jobs at Wal-Mart for you. They will make you grits and cornbread and collard greens and rice and gravy. They rob will liquor stores for you. They will fight each other in the street with homemade shanks and broken beer bottles for you. Women will brush your hair and stroke your cheek and sing you lullabies and tuck you in tight under the covers. I say you should take advantage of this somehow. Inside of you, there is bound to be a creative, enterprising young man who can find some way to exploit a woman willing to let you lay your head on her ample bosom! So, take heart and be of good cheer!

I know you think people don’t take you seriously and you are right, we don’t. You are just too disconcertingly pretty. As Glamour Diva would say, it is rather difficult to look directly at you and I would not advise people to stare at you too long or they could began to suffer from spatial dementia.

That being said, stop trying to be taken seriously. Being taken seriously is overrated anyway. People take Tom Hanks seriously but does he have women lined up in the street offering to be sold into white slavery for just the barest trace of a chance to be with him? Can he walk into a room and know that any girl in the place would be willing to give Karl Rove and Dick Cheney a tongue bath just for the possibility of getting his phone number? You have so much to be thankful for Paul! And you have nothing to be upset about! Well, except your spotty movie career. . .but, that’s a whole ‘nother article!

Cheer up and fight for your right to be pretty!


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