Today is a sad day.
I used to like Dean Cain. I used to think he was really handsome and fine. Unfortunately, I still do but, alas, I have now come to the conclusion that I must remove him from my list. Yes, from this day forth, Dean Cain is not someone that I would eat sushi off. Why, you ask. . .well, it seems that when Brooke “Nothing gets between me and my Calvins” Shields went to Princeton, she went out with Dean Cain and. . .well, let’s just say that Mr. Cain was the “nothing” Brooke was talking about.


For years, Brooke had been a dedicated virgin who didn’t go around screaming that she was a virgin. If people asked her about it, she would confirm her virginal status but, she didn’t expect any kudos and she certainly didn’t pull a Britney Spears (who may have not even been born!) and say that she was “saving herself for marriage” when she knew damn well that she wasn’t.

I do not throw stones at Brooke for being interesting in a bit of Dean Cain tubesteak BUT, what I have a problem with is the fact that Dean Cain told everybody that he got between Brooke and her Calvins! That rat bastard should have kept his mouth closed. I was reading a book last night called “The Book of Useless Information” and there was a section listing the ages when celebrities had lost their virginity. When it came to Brooke Shields, not only did it say the age at which she’d lost her virginity (18) but it also said, “with Dean Cain”.

I was fudging LIVID! Brooke’s virginity and who she traded it off to is nobody’s business but Brooke’s and the guy she traded it off to! Okay, so Brooke lost her virginity with him but, did that mean he had to take out a full page ad to announce it? Who in the hell does he think he is? That is so freaking Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon of him, so damn lowbrow and I know I’m being redundant but this is how upset I am about this! Telling everybody he had sex with Brooke Shields is so tacky and lame and Dean has lost so many points with me that I fear he could never make it up. Therefore, that punk bitch is off my list!

Advice to Dean Cain: That sophomoric, moronic, juvenile frat boy bullshit is so not necessary! If Brooke Shields hadn’t been famous, if she had been some arbitrary gorgeous, 6-foot girl walking around the Princeton campus and you had taken her virginity (and I despise the term “taken her virginity” but I will expound upon that at a later date, or maybe not at all), you would not be shouting it to the world! The sad truth is, Dean, that you are now an F-list actor and you need publicity. You see Teri Hatcher has “Desperate Housewives” and all you have is “Ripley’s Belive it or Not” and a few lame ass Lifetime movies. And to think, I was pondering writing a romantic comedy for you. Now I perish that thought!

Advice to Brooke: Tell everybody that Dean Cain is a “short, short man” and that you didn’t enjoy yourself, and as matter of fact, you hardly remember it!

galaxyMafia. . .is very upset that Mr. Cain had to go and upset the Sushi Order. . .now she must look for a replacement. . .and he may just be that guy from "Prison Break". . .no, not Wentworht Miller, the other guy. . .