I really debated posting this information. Not because I give a damn about the subject of this really juicy gossip but because I didn’t want to get all our Dear Readers excited, thinking we were back to blogging…because we aren’t! No this is just some really good gossip that I simply had to share with you! Unless you’ve already heard it then never mind. But for all of you who don’t know…THIS ONE’S FOR YOU BIOTCHES!

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I'm not turned-on
So put away that meat you're selling
Cuz I do know what's good for me-
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
Get Gone - Fiona Apple

Are you ready? Okay…

Nonu got a baby ya’ll! Yes, THAT Nonu! No really, MA’A NONU of the 13-inch penis* and the 13-ounce brain** managed to get a woman pregnant! I know! I didn’t believe it when I read it either! But it’s so true! But wait, there’s more! The little bundle of sweetness and light is a BOY! God help him if he was born with his daddy’s eyebrows…but I digress…

But wait, there’s STILL more! The most shocking and inexplicable part of this whole sordid story is the incredible fact that the mother is NOT a white woman! No seriously yo! Not only is she not a white woman, she’s actually…get this…SAMOAN! To quote my source, who knew?! But more to the point, who would ever expect it? Lord knows the ‘Nesian brothas love themselves some white women! Unfortunately Nonu has already dumped her and moved on the next cum bucket…er, I mean Child of God. My guess is that he shut her down as soon as she told him she was in a gravid state! Which lead Ms. GD to postulate the following:

One day, nine months ago in Wellington, New Zealand in the parking lot of the local ghetto McDonald's at 9am on a Sunday morning just before church…

Unfortunate Samoan Lass: Hey Ma’a baby what’s up?
Nonu: [Ignores her and continues to talk to his boys about beer, sex, Hip Hop, sex, whiskey, sex, rugby, sex, corn beef and vodka…and sex]
USL: Ma’a please, I really need to talk to you!
Nonu: [Sighs heavily] What bitch!?
USL: I um, well you see Ma’a I um, well you remember two weeks ago when we were at your Mama’s house and I spent the night? You know, when she went to Auckland with your daddy and your brothers and your sisters and your nieces and your nephews and your cousins and your five play cousins and your Auntie Clarice who’s really not your Aunt but a family friend and…?
Nonu: Damn bitch is there a point in this shit?
USL: Well, um see we …
Nonu: Fucked! And?
USL: Okay yes but you said you didn’t have anymore condoms and I said I wasn’t on the pill and you said, “Well bitch I guess you better think positive thoughts ‘cause I’m ‘bout to nut” and…
Nonu: Bitch you fo real need to say what you wanna say! [Raises hand in classic pre-pimp slap formation]
USL: I’M PREGNANT!
Nonu: Bitch is this a muthafuckin hoaks?

Hey, you keep fucking you're bound to knock someone up, or get knocked up right? It was just a matter of time really. Soooooo – to totally misquote Beyoncé – He didn’t like it so he didn’t put a ring on it! [Everybody sing!] Wooohoh oh oh oh ohoh ah oh ohohoh!

Until next time Dear Readers!

Smooches,
Glamour Diva

P.S. Congratulations to Mils Muliaina and his thievin’ wife Haley! They are the proud parents of a bouncing baby something or other. Honestly I was too upset to give a good gotdamn! It’s over. Haley ain’t never leaving his tight, succulent little ass now! Sigh. Still no word on Tialata, Sally, Tialata’s trouser snake and the possibility of more ‘Nesian rugby babies. Sigh.

* That was for you gM! Luv ya!
**You see this is funny because the average human brain weighs about 3-pounds.

Don't be shy Dear Readers! If you have any gossip on any rugby player by all means drop us an email at rugbygossip@yahoo.com or Bebo and let us know. We don't discriminate, we'll take gossip on any player from any part of the world. Don't let the gossip die people!

galaxyMafia is sure you know by now that, after months of hemming and hawing, Jonah Lomu and his wife, Fiona, have finally stopped pretending that their marriage isn’t shot to hell, and have admitted, through their rep, that they’ve stuck a fork in their four-year union because it’s done.
The end of the Lomus’ marriage is no breaking news flash (but just in case you haven’t heard, you can read it for yo’self). Jonah Lomu’s actions of late have spoken louder than the “I-don’t-comment-on-my-personal-life” spiel he’s been spouting 24/7 on a continuous loop.

First, Lomu moved out of the Auckland mansion he shared with wife Fiona.
(Although, at a value of $1.35 million dollars, it would struggle to be listed as a two-bedroom house in California or New York. To call it a mansion in those upscale markets would be quite charitable but, galaxyMafia digresses. . .)

Second, Lomu got a new girlfriend.

It was pretty clear, then, that Lomu, who some say is the most recognized rugby star in the world (whatever the hell that means), had raised up outta that bitch. Literally, and, ahem, figuratively. . .

And that’s when Lomu’s shit really started to stink.

Thing is, galaxyMafia really doesn’t have a problem with Lomu moving on. Because that’s what n!ggas do. They break up with one girl, and quickly move to the next one, with no provocation or preamble. And, unfortunately, n!ggas often move on to the next chick even if they have not entirely, with clear and convincing undisputed evidence, extricated themselves from a previous relationship. Yes, that’s tacky and immature and unnecessary because it really don’t take all that but. . .that’s n!ggas for you.

What galaxyMafia has a problem with is Jonah Lomu’s choices.

Selfish, unsympathetic, pugnacious choices which have led him to behave like a seething, unrepentant heathen. . .

You see, Mr. Lomu, apparently without any shame or remorse, has begun a new relationship with the wife of another man. . .and Mr. Lomu himself is still married. . .

galaxyMafia must tell you that she doesn’t know Mr. Lomu personally. She doesn’t know what kind of man he is, and she is not privy to his side of this tacky, sad, ghetto story. But, galaxyMafia has to wonder what kind of man, who purports to be a role model for young athletes, would so blatantly violate and spit upon the sanctity of holy matrimony, what kind of guy would enter into an adulterous relationship with a casual shrug of his shoulders?

What the hell kind of person is Mr. Lomu. . .?

He turns his back on his wife, Fiona, and cheats on her, the woman who stuck by him when he was literally facing death. But for a kidney transplant, Mr. Lomu might be dead now. Does Mr. Lomu thank God for Fiona, who clearly took seriously the vows to love him “In sickness and in health”? Does Fiona’s loyalty to him during that crises mean shit to Lomu? Now that Mr. Lomu is well, are all bets off? Does he think he cheated death so he can do whatever the fuck he wants to whomever he wants? Does he really think he will not have to stand before the Lord and give account of his behavior? We will all have to do that, whether you believe it or not, and Mr. Lomu will not be excused because he’s some supposed rugby superstar.

But, galaxyMafia can’t, and won’t blame it all on Mr. Lomu. Cliché but true, it takes two to make a thing go right, and galaxyMafia must place blame on Jonah’s new girl, Nadene Quirk.

If you’ve read anything about Nadene, you know she’s a smart, successful, accomplished young woman. Indeed, the New Zealand government has even enlisted her to be a role model for young women. Nadene has her own business, she’s moderately attractive and lives an exciting life.

Ten months ago, she also became what many women would kill to be – a brand, spanking new bride. She and Jarek Goebel were married, took vows before God and their family. But, obviously, something went wrong. galaxyMafia doesn’t profess to know what went sour in Nadene’s and J’s relationship. As galaxyMafia said, there are so many sides to every story. Perhaps, Nadene and Jarek were unevenly yoked to begin with, so their relationship never would have worked. Or, maybe, Nadene and J felt pressured to get hitched. Maybe they just couldn’t get along, and couldn’t make it work.

Or, maybe, when Jonah Lomu stepped to Nadene, she saw it as an opportunity she just couldn’t pass up, J be damned.

Because galaxyMafia figures that if every little ‘Nesian boy dreams of growing up and being an All Black then every little New Zealand girl’s fantasy is to marry or date or screw an All Black.

Of course, Jonah Lomu isn’t an All Black. But he was. One of the very damn best. And Jarek Goebel. . .well, he’s not even on the Blues team yet. . .just a shadow player, and who knows if he’ll be picked for the team and well. . .

Kinda, sorta makes you see Nadene’s dilemma, huh?

On the one hand, there’s the rugby superstar. And on the other, there’s a guy who looks up to said superstar, who may or may not be a rugby superstar himself one day.
And with Lomu’s marriage to Fiona heading into the ditch, Nadene told J adios, cholo. . .and walked out on her marriage, seemingly with no regret.

galaxyMafia must admit, Jonah’s and Nadene’s selfish actions are repugnant but, even more than that, gM is discouraged by their behavior. . .

What was the purpose of throwing Fiona and J under the bus? What does it profit Jonah or Nadene to cheat on their respective spouses so unabashedly? Now, Fiona is devastated and embarrassed. J is simply gutted. Nadene’s hasty departure from the life they should have lived until death do them part shocked and destroyed him. And Jonah and Nadene, who are apparently looking for a new house, can’t really enjoy their new relationship because everywhere they go, some reporter is asking them about the circumstances surrounding their coupling. And what was that posturing with Jonah and Nadene showing up at a Blues practice? When J saw them there together, he was decimated. Why would they do that? So Jonah could show his ass and reveal just how much of a stupid Tongan n!gga he is? Why would Nadene go along with Jonah’s Neanderthal tomfoolery? Later, she admitted it was awkward. Really, bitch, ya think?

galaxyMafia can’t help but think that all of this could have been avoided if Jonah and Nadene had divorced their spouses, and then entered into a relationship. But, it seems to be a case of two selfish people who want what they want when they want it and damn everything else to hell. . .

Well, Jonah and Nadene. . .pray, pray that you don’t end up there yourselves.

copyright 2008. galaxyMafia

Today I was checking out Site Meter when I noticed an interesting development. Every few months The Sushi Girls™ receive an anonymous comment from a woman, presumably, somewhere in South Africa claiming to be the as yet unknown girlfriend/secret lover/significant other/piece of ass/ride or die bitch of the heavily tattooed Samoan winger and former Hurricane Lome Fa’atau.

Now as many of you know Mr. Fa’atau is currently linked to a woman named Rachel who, last I heard, left Wellington and the life she once knew to follow him to Scotland where it appears he has failed to make much of an impression on the good people of Glasgow as well as his team, The Glasgow Warriors. So you can understand our…interest…when Ms. Anonymous first popped up, telling us she knew the real deal about Lomz. We thought Ms. Anonymous would eventually come forward and send us a long and detailed email on all the finer points of their tawdry affair but such an email was never forthcoming.

No Dear Readers it seems Ms. Anonymous is content with sending us periodic comments hinting at what a fantastic cocksman Lome is and how foolish Rachel is for thinking she owns his heart…and his cock.

Well Ms. Anonymous I am here to tell you that we are not amused!

Listen girlfriend, if you insist on turning up like a bad penny every three months then so be it; we can’t stop you. But if you have something to say, which you obviously do because you keep coming back and commenting on the same posts over and over again, we’d appreciate you saying it or put us all out of our misery and just go away!

Won’t you try to see this from our point of view Dear Ms. Anonymous? Just say you know someone that every so often runs up to you and screams, oh I don’t know, something like, “I know where there’s a cache of Nazi gold!”

I can’t be 100% on this but I think your instinct might be to either ignore the person altogether (Because telling a complete stranger something so amazing seems almost as crazy as the Nazi who originally stole the gold) or to simply ask the screamer where the secret cache is (Still thinking they must be crazy of course but hey, you like adventure so whatev...). Now if after telling you this piece of news and having you do/say one of the things mentioned above, the screamer were to look around furtively then run away screaming never to return…until three months later screaming the exact same thing with the exact same furtive looks and running away and screaming…wouldn’t you find that odd and tremendously annoying?

Well that’s the place we are currently squatting in Ms. Anonymous! We love all our Dear Readers, even the annoying ones, but enough is enough! This affair with Mr. Fa’atau is wrecking havoc on your psyche and your refusal or inability to share the nasty details is testing our patience. So, as my Grandmother used to say, either piss or get off the pot Ms. Anonymous! Purge yourself of this awesome burden or stop screaming at us about Lome’s golden tongue! If we could reveal our sources they would tell you that we are excellent secret keepers so if it’s your identity you’re concerned about you really shouldn’t let that trouble you Ms. Anonymous. Also, neither Rachel nor Lome reads this blog so what the fuck right? I mean, if they did you’d be so busted anyway because you’ve already said in your comments that you’re a) blond, b) South African, and c) fucking Lome. If you’re still doing him that means that both he and Rachel are still blissfully unaware. What have you got to lose baby?

But if you’re still timid about revealing more information I will tell you how to get in contact with us AND keep your anonymity:

1. Get an anonymous email account (Hotmail, Yahoo! Mail, GMail, etc.)
2. Copy this email address – the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com
3. Open your new email account and paste our email address into the “To:” section
4. In the body of the open email, pour out your little heart to The Sushi Girls™ (Including what city in South Africa you currently reside so we can match this against Site Meter and keep the wannabes away)

If after doing this you find yourself feeling frisky please include any and all photo evidence you might have of Lome Fa’atau in flagrante delicto as well as any photos of yourself because you may very well be blond and petite but you know good and damn well you don’t look a thing like Kate Hudson so don’t even go there girlfriend! I hope this helps and stay blessed!

Smooches,
Ms. GD

What fresh hell is this? – Dorothy Parker

When the FUCK did Malili get MARRIED?!? And why didn’t anyone tell me? Hello all my sources and Moles! Holy Fucking HELL! I’m so upset I don’t know what to damn do! SHIT!

I’m really trying to remain calm here but OH MY GOD! Someone…anyone…please tell me this is not a real marriage! And when I write “real” I mean in the sense that they stood up in front of some sort of holy, ordained official and promised to love, honor and cherish each other in front of God and man. State marriages, while legal, don’t count! That’s man’s law not God’s law! DAMMIT!

Okay I know I’m grasping at straws here but you just don’t understand! While not the prettiest boy [That’s still The Nonu unless he keeps getting fatter! Have you seen the pre-season pics yo? He’s wobbling into Tialata territory!] he did seem to be the most normal and Oooooo LAWD that body! Just the right amount of hot sexy slimness! And that voice and that goofy little boy laugh and those big brown puppy dog eyes! Mind you, he had some unfortunate hair issues last fall but he's seen the error of his ways and I stood by him through all of that horribleness and this is the thanks I get?

And now he’s forever linked to that damn Haley Armstrong (I will NEVER call her Muliaina!). Seriously, what sort of Jedi Mind Trick did she put on him? Or maybe she has a trick pelvis like Pamela Anderson Lee Ritchie Salomon? Or maybe he grabbed her by the neck and told her marrying him and becoming his slave was the only way she could ever repay him for paying off her debts? Yes…that must be it…that HAS to be it!

Sigh. Upon further consideration I think I might be feeling the effects of the cosmic ass whippin' I so rightly deserve for sticking my stubby little fingers all in their Kool-Aid with no earthly idea of its flavor! Well this is just great! If he wants to be married to his thieving ass, emotionally crippled white woman then I say good luck to you Mils ‘cause you’re gonna need it!

You see? I can’t be civil towards this woman for one minute! Alright, well please enjoy this thank you email the “Happy Couple” sent to their cheesy ass wedding band thanking them for a job well done.

We just wanted to send a quick note to say a big thankyou to you and the band. You made our wedding ROCK!!! We could not of asked for anything more - we have had amazing feedback regarding the band - and the full dance floor is a tribute to the amazing job you did. We can honestly say you made our wedding a hit. Wishing you all a merry and safe xmas!!!

Mils and Hayley Muliaina (email 20th Dec 2007)

Gag me with a rugby boot!

Oh the hate…THE HATE it consumes me! Damn you Haley Armstrong! Why must I cry?!? – GD

The first gossip post of the brand spanking New Year and it would have to be about Jerry Collins, right? Well let’s not waste any more time Dear Readers, like to hear it here it go:


It seems drama is still a-brewin’ down South. Our sources in the Cook Islands are all up in arms over young Mr. Collins and his inability to act like he has some damn sense! You’ll remember last episode I reported that Jerry Collins was spending some time in Rarotonga before heading back home to Wellington after the Paparazzi where all up in his business and his baby’s mama’s business about their new baby? Well Mr. Collins is still there but it seems he may have worn out his welcome.

The peace loving people of Rarotonga are used to rugby stars paying them frequent and lucrative visits but JC has been acting out recently and they are so over his diva antics! Exactly what sort of diva antics you might ask?

Exhibit A: Jaws dropped one night when innocent townsfolk, enjoying a night out at a local bar, were subjected to JC calling them “boring fucks” and generally behaving like a blooming idiot. This scene lead some, including those who’d broken bread with other famous ruggers, to remark that Mr. Collins seemed a bit “cocky”. [Ya think?]



Exhibit B: It appears Mr. Collins is even too superior to train with the locals at the neighborhood gym. Cook Island Rugby League legend Kevin Iro isn’t even good enough for him as it is rumored that he’s spurned poor Kev’s advances as well. [Well can you blame him? I mean after Graham Henry’s conditioning program worked out so well…]

Exhibit C: Sources confirm that on New Year’s Day JC was seen at a 24 hour store, drunk as a skunk and, presumably, twice as loud. He was accompanied by a local woman (No word on if she was white) and this has left some wondering if they should start saving their old baby clothes just in case a new Rarotongan citizen makes an appearance in nine months. [Oh God please no!]

Well really, are any of you surprised? I know I’m not! I can’t believe it’s taken this long for the cracks to show. But then you, my Dear Readers, are so in love with this fool that I’m sure you’ve already forgiven him and are on your computers right now looking up flights to New Zealand so you can meet and fuck the man Cook Islanders are calling a “cocky little shit”. Just one word of advice ladies…INSIST HE WEAR A CONDOM!



UPDATE: This just in, The weather in Rarotonga calls for a much sunnier forcast now that JC has ceased "makin' it rain on them ho's" in Rarotonga and has hightailed his sexy yet disturbed, no condom wearing, baby makin' ass back to New Zealand. Wait...did you feel that gigantic gust of wind? It must be thousands of Cook Island natives breathing a collective sigh of relief!

Until next time Dear Readers!

Smooches,
Glamour Diva

Don't be shy Dear Readers! If you have any gossip on any rugby player by all means drop us an email at rugbygossip@yahoo.com or Bebo and let us know. We don't discriminate, we'll take gossip on any player from any part of the world. Don't let the gossip die people!

I'm sure I'm going to piss off quite a few people with this entry but I don't care. Like to hear it, here it go:

It's my baby mama (yeanknow) I want child support
She get boyfriend checks, but I stay in court
It's my baby mama (yeanknow) she be ridin' Cady
And she always lookin' for sugar daddies
It's my baby daddy (yeanknow) he be always broke
And he aint no good nothin', but a joke
It's my baby daddy (yeanknow) he just love to have it
He be cheatin' on me that's why I can't stand em'
Baby Mama – Three 6 Mafia

I shouldn't have loved him
I shouldn't have wanted him
I shouldn't have trusted him
No I shouldn't have fucked him
Now here I am carryin’ his seed
That makes two for him and a fourth for me
Baby Daddy – Queen Pen

Well Dear Readers if you haven’t heard by now then you must live under a rock or else maybe you just don’t give a damn about rugby but the secret is out, along with the placenta – Jerry Collins is a daddy! They don’t call him “The Hit Man” for nothing right?

Tabloids all over the rugby-crazed world are chomping at the bit about the hush-hush “Love Child” (Honestly, who under the age of 60 uses that phrase anymore?) that reared its chubby cheeked, squinty-eyed, bald head over the weekend. The Paparazzi were all up in the baby mama’s face asking her all sorts of impertinent questions and, ya know, I feel her pain. Peeps have been blowin’ up The Sushi Girls™ email with questions and more questions about the 411 on JC, his bundle of joy and the woman who birthed it! So to stem the flow of questions before it reaches tsunami proportions, I’ve decided to break my Holiday silence and let the whole world know the scoop…wait for it…THERE…IS…NONE!

Our New Zealand source’s lips are clamped tighter than Dick Cheney’s hands on his chest during heart attack number ten! In fact the only information I could get is from a Cook Island source that confirms JC is currently spending a few days in Rarotonga. I can’t corroborate what, if anything, Mr. Collins is doing in Rarotonga but I can only assume it involves alcohol, white women and plenty of music, most assuredly of the Hip-Hop variety. Maybe he’ll spend some quality time getting his boogie and booze on at Epalahame Lauaki’s baby mama’s club ? The world, or at least most people outside the South Pacific, may never know.

But all this not talking got your girl thinking (‘cause you know that’s what I do), anyone trying this hard not to say anything must have something worth keeping secret. I mean, a baby can’t be kept secret for very long but other life altering events sure as hell can! So in lieu of any real information Ms. GD has the next best thing – conjecture!

I’ve divined it! Next year, towards the end of Super 14, look for Mr. Collins to do a complete 180 on his position to stay in NZ by announcing his decision to move to Great Britain to continue his rugby career as well as to be closer to his child. Or keep watch for a young, “pommie” accented young woman and an…interesting…looking baby making appearances all over NZ with JC. Honestly, even with all his whoring around I don’t think Jerry is the type of guy to live too far away from his child for too long. This child is Mama and Papa Collins’ first grandbaby, at least from him, so you know his God-fearing parents have given him an earful about what is expected of him! Personally I feel it’s a matter of closing the gate after the bull has gotten loose but hey, who the fuck am I to judge?

Actually I think I will judge because I’m sick and tired of men and women the world over fucking without a damn condom and/or birth control and haphazardly bringing babies into the world and spreading diseases, sometimes simultaneously! This is basic shit here people! Yes people are living longer than ever with the AIDS virus but it’s still AIDS you jackasses! And AIDS isn’t the only STD out there; many of these diseases will stay with you for the rest of your life! Many diseases are becoming more and more resistant to drugs making previously curable ailments more difficult to subdue! And what about the ethics of all the rampant baby making? And why is she the English skank and Jerry is still clean as a whistle? Why are the people in NZ so willing to condemn Leon MacDonald for drinking out of the milk carton but keep mum on Jerry spreading his seed unabated? I don’t care if you didn't set out to be a role model Mr. Collins - you are one now and your inability to practice safe sex says more about your character than any  "live your dreams" speech to local rugby youth could ever say!

And what of this woman? Sigh…ladies…ladies…I swear the next time I hear a woman whine about what some man did to her I will grab her by the lapels and shake her until her head pops off! People, and men are people (no really they are!), only get away with what you let them and she agreed to fuck him without a condom! Sure I know condoms break and she could very well be in that 1% that still manages to get pregnant while using birth control but come on people! I mean Jerry is fine but ain’t nobody THAT hot to damn death! GIRL WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU? Tell me so I can copyright that shit and make a packet off it!

And before you say it, yes I read the article and I think it’s great he’s supporting mama and baby but ya know, he ain’t doing shit but what he’s supposed to do! Men who financially support their children get no applause from me! You don’t celebrate when a salmon manages to swim upstream right? Dear Readers, I respect Mr. Collins and everyone like him who have overcome poverty and other struggles to become the great citizens they are today but I ask you, where do we draw the line?

Fuck it. It’s getting late and if none of ya’ll give a good gotdamn then why the hell should I right?

Play On Playas…Play On Playettes…

Until next time Dear Readers!

Smooches,
Glamour Diva

Don't be shy Dear Readers! If you have any gossip on any rugby player by all means drop us an email at rugbygossip@yahoo.com or Bebo and let us know. We don't discriminate, we'll take gossip on any player from any part of the world. Don't let the gossip die people!

Can you guess the identity of the rugby players pictured with each white woman? Hint: One player is from France and another plays Rugby League! 

Can you guess the 'Nesian rugby players pictured with each white woman?

It all started when Barbara Walters first began to cast her new show, a talk format vehicle called, “The View”.

Initially, Barbara didn’t want to hire Star Jones, then a quivering mass of chocolate pudding but no other self-respecting black woman wanted the job.

Star had been covering the O.J. trial for Court TV but after the former Hertz pitchman-turned-homicidal butcher was acquitted for killing his wife (and her “friend” Ron Goldman) by a group of vengeful Negros, hell-bent on extracting retaliation for the deaths of Emmett Till, Medgar Evans and the lynching of other non-descript black men, Star Jones was off the air, out of a job.

Star, for her part, was not peachy keen on working with the powerful yet speech-impaired anchorwoman however she really didn’t have any other options.

Barbara was wedged between the same rock and hard place. Knowing she couldn’t withstand the social scrutiny of a table of palefaces, she was desperate for a splash of color to help “diversify” her cast.

And thus the enmity was born.

Barbara knew early on she’d made a mistake in hiring Star Jones. The two tons o’ fun barrister was loud and brash, an opinionated finger-snapping, neck-swiveling non-conformist who refused to toe Babs’ line.

Barbara told unofficial moderator Meredith Viera to tame Star but the peace-keeping WASP was wary of confronting Star, who she feared might sit on her and crush the life from her frail, feeble body.


Things began to get fugly when Star lost weight and met a bisexual who, upon reviewing her lucrative contract, decided to propose marriage, forsaking his “down low” tendencies in lieu of filthy lucre.

After Star’s book (which she ridiculously called “Shine” in a juvenile attempt at an allusion to her presumptuous name) became a bestseller, Barbara decided she’d had it up to HERE with the sassy chocolate bar and set about making plans to break her foot off in Star’s (considerably thinner) ass.

True, Star Jones had burned bright but Barbara wanted her to burn out. In retaliation, she hired Rosie O’Donnell, an enemy combatant of Star’s, knowing that Star wouldn’t be able to sit at the same table as the Chinese baby loving lesbo without retching all over ultra-conservative (and alleged child abuser) Lizzie Hasselback.

Upon hearing of Rosie the Riveter’s impending arrival, Star quit in a snit, crying foul to Larry King about a conspiracy to kick her to the curb.

Babs’ response was a classic Clarence Thomas “irrevocable, categorical” denial of Star’s claims followed by an insincere, obligatory good luck for Star’s future.

Now that Star is out of the picture, Barbara has her hands full trying to pick a replacement token black girl, one who’s more beautiful than Star Jones who was never beautiful and who, upon completion of gastric-bypass surgery, was revealed to be particularly hideous.

Star plans to self-publish, using a Gutenberg press, “S, the Star magazine”.

copyright 2006 - galaxyMafia

Every once in a while you meet a child that drives you wild
With unmistakable downtown style
Her winter coat and sexy tokes on camel smokes
Don’t prepare you for the laugh that explodes

I try and I damn try but this dating thing never seems to work out! Notice I said dating as in an on going thing? Sure I can get him interested. I can even get him to go on a date, granted only after several weeks of instant messaging and still only to his crib where I am subjected to his filthy, groping tentacles!

I could understand if I were a supermodel or an actress or anyone who would illicit such a response in a man but I’m just me (although quite fabulous if I do say so myself) and all the dicks standing at attention when I walk into the room, while flattering, are starting to get on my damn nerves! I mean no one is that hot to trot right? Not even me! Maybe galaxyMafia is right and it’s all about the pheromones? Maybe my mouth is saying ‘let’s have a meeting of the minds’ while my body chemicals are saying ‘ride me like the Lone Ranger rode Silver’? Or maybe large boobs and childbearing hips automatically signal push over in the male mind?

So I wonder, am I any different from any other woman and are the “hot shit” women any different from me? Is it really all about the cooch and whether or not I want to share it with countless men and less about my talents, ideas, dreams and aspirations? The answer to these questions is a resounding yes Dear Readers! Men don’t care what the hell women look like and they care even less about what women think. Oh sure they play lip service to wanting a strong, attractive, independent, successful, loving woman but when they get one, even the holy grail of women, they either turn crazy, stupid or fuck her over royally! Case in point:

Erykah Badu
Dynamic singer, songwriter, dancer and actress, Ms. Badu would be a welcome addition to any man’s life…or so one would think. Seriously, what good is a calming, spiritual influence in your life when all you care about is running with your boys and screwing around? It’s absolutely no good Dear readers! Being dumped by two successful men (Rap star Common and her baby daddy, André 3000) would make any woman bitter but Ms. Badu hasn’t stopped making music and immersing herself in other projects. Let’s hope she’ll eventually find a man who won’t jump ship right after impregnating her or after being all up in Essence magazine talking about their "special love".

Natalie Portman
So cute…so smart…so talented! What can I say about Natty Nat that hasn’t already been said? I know V For Vendetta was a bomb but that wasn’t entirely her fault and I don’t think her love life should suffer because of it! Actually, I think the reason she can’t keep a man is because she’s smarter than all the men she’s ever dated (Moby, Lukas Haas, Gael Garcia Bernal, Zach Braff, Jake Gyllenhaal) and we know how much highly intelligent women intimidate men don’t we? So Nat, if you’re reading, don’t give up girl. You will find a hot, smart guy who gets you and he will never dump you for a silly, blond flibbertigibbet with bad teeth [cough]Kirsten Dunst[cough]!





Halle Berry
I’m honestly not a Halle fan but I feel her pain. It’s no wonder she’s a bit crazy: Wesley "The Rice Chaser" Snipes beat the hearing out one of her ears, David Justice cheated on her and acted a plum seed fart ass (as Daddy Diva used to say) during the divorce. Then Eric Benét showed up and cheated on her even more, denied her access to his daughter whom she’d come to love and dragged their business all up and down the street! She’s with the hot white guy now but those of us who have dated other flavors know that there really is no difference. White men will act the foolywang just as quickly as any other man so I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you Halle. Lord knows you need a blessing in your love life!

The fact is she’s an actress using the bedroom for practice
Making him think his kiss is all she’s ever imagined
With a pocket full of rocket fuel dragging strings that pull
On a heart that’s uncertain, but beautiful

To Erykah, Natalie and Halle, if within the next ten years you find yourself alone, broken and bitter you are welcome to come live with me in Texas in my dilapidated house full of small, yappy dogs (I don’t like cats). The four of use can sit around all day eating chocolate and commiserating about how shitty men are and how we’ve wasted our lives. Deal? – GD


Song lyrics from Being A Girl by Van Hunt

5 Comments

Ok. So galaxyMafia just finished watching the final episode of "The Bachelor" on ABC, and while she normally thinks this tacky show is an insult and an utter affront to women, romantic love (which galaxyMafia doubts even exists) and the arduous process of finding and getting to know a person in the hopes of building a healthy relationship that profits both parties, she nevetheless felt compelled to give the loser, Moana, a little advice. . .

After being told by Travis (who, upon closer inspection, ain't no Dr. McDreamy) that even though they shared an "amazing" and "special" connection, he could not pick her, Moana confessed to being "truthfull shocked" and left in her tacky white Prom limo wherein she proceded to completely fall the fudge apart as only she can (and has been for the past two months) do.

For those of you who were wise enough not to watch the show, here's a recap of Moana's histrionics. Trust me, the Bard couldn't have written pathos and tragedy as unrelenting and
hilarious as this:

"I'm emotionally devastated. . .I'm so shocked. At firstI thought it was joke. I've just never been so vulnerable before in my life and so dead-on and so wrong. . .to think that your affections for someone are reciprocated and to be smacked in the face with a solid rejection like I received tonight is so hurtful and I feel like such a fool. The good girl always wins. Guys like that don't marry girls like me. I feel right now like I never should have opened up because this pain I'm experiencing right now is so intense that I just want to crawl back into my shell and hide."

Moana, really, was all that hyper-traumatic melodrama necessary? I mean, I would like to feel your pain but I can't help thinking that you brought all this on yourself.

Your first mistake? Going on "The Bachelor" in the first place. I mean, what self-respecting woman would agree to place herself
in a field of 25 other rapid, seething lonely childless women.



On the first show, all of the girls were standing around like so many uptight heiffers, nervously chewing their cud, ready to unravel at the seams, all a-twitter and a-flutter over some would-be prized bull. I don't know jack sprat about you, Moana, but I know your mama taught you to have a little more pride and self-worth. Honestly, did you really want to be the number one bitch in a harem of hos?

Your second mistake? Not being able to round up them wayward emotions of yours! Moana, men don't like emotions! Men don't like tears! And men certainly don't like histrionics! Especially stick-up-their-ass guys like Dr. Dork. You are so passionate and hot-blooded. You're a raging, ranting sea of panting, pulsating bosom. You're a fiery opera that can only end in suicide and scandal. Most men don't know what the fudge to do with all that emotion. It makes them feel inadequate because they don't know what the hell to say to you or how the hell to make you stop crying and all they want to do is get the hell up outta this bee-otch before you spontaneously combust, or pop a blood vessel. You were right about one thing: you shouldn't have opened up. Men do not appreciate your honesty. And they don't give a witch's tit about your feelings. They just want you to shut up and screw 'em when they want to be screwed. And then they want you out of their apartment before they wake up the next morning because they really ain't in the mood to have breakfast with you.

Your third mistake? Thinking that a unrestrained, hyperbolic gal like yourself could ever settle down with Dr. McBoring. You were right. The good girl does always win. It doesn't matter if you can suck the guy off nine ways to Sunday, if his mama don't like you then, you ain't gotta go home but you gotta get the hell outta here.

Your fourth mistake? Describing yourself as "emotionally devastated". Moana, since when did you turn into a Katrina victim? You ain't devastated. You're just pissed off and embarrassed that that fool Travis clowned you on television. If you think about it, all you were was kicked to the curb by some fugger that you would have realized (in a month or two) you weren't really feeling after all.





It's like this: Sarah is a kindergarten teacher. Travis has the mental capacity and social acuity of a six-year-old. They're perfect for each other.

copyright 2005. . .galaxyMafia predicts we'll see Melodramatic Moana as the next Bachelorette!

The year end list is trite as hell but we made one anyway. Enjoy…or don’t. It really makes us no never mind.

Best/Worst Movie

Best – A History of Violence

Click here for previous review

Worst – The Longest Yard/The Amityville Horror

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. And if it sucked to begin with for sure as hell don’t remake it if you can’t make it better! Adam Sandler replacing Burt Reynolds? What the fuck ever! And we don’t care how buff Ryan Reynolds is, washboard abs don’t add a damn thing to a horror movie! The people that green lighted this tripe can lick the crickety cracks of our black asses!

Best/Worst Movie Hero and Villain

Viggo Mortensen in A History Of Violence

Tom Stall is just the kind of anti-hero every gal dreams of marrying. He can put food on the table and kill a guy with a coffee pot! I'll buy that for a dollar!!

Best/Worst Television Show

Best – Commander in Chief /Prison Break

Commander in Chief
This show has it all; style, drama, fast paced writing, and a realistic plot that balances political intrigue with terrific family drama. Also, 15 million fools can’t be wrong!

Prison Break
The only thing realistic about his show is the prison it’s filmed in but we don’t care! If We’re going to spend an hour suspending our disbelief it will be watching this show. We’ve installed crash carts next to our Barcaloungers just in case all the drama, action, pathos and shirtless Dominic Purcell and Wentworth Miller become too much for us to handle.

Worst – Alias/That 70’s Show

Alias
We wouldn’t have any problem with Alias if it were staring the girl JJ Abrams truly intended; Keri Russell. The idea of Alias came when JJ wanted to do an episode of Felicity as a CIA agent recruit. But after Russell cut her hair and sent the ratings plummeting, the WB was squeamish about taking Russell’s character into uncharted territory. After JJ gave up on Felicity he chose pinched face Jennifer Garner to headline the show. Add to that the fact that when Jennifer Garner unceremoniously dumped Michael Vartan and had him kicked off the show the producers found out who the real star was when the ratings took a nose dive. Now that he’s back no one cares anymore and it’s “Hasta La Vista” for the whole crew. Lesson for TV Producers: Never underestimate the power of a hot, sexy man…NEVER!

That 70’s Show
Short and sweet: Eric Foreman is the pivotal character on the show. All the other characters revolve around Eric. Now that he’s in Africa who gives a damn! End it now while you still have your self-respect. There is no glory in being canceled. Being canceled is the equivalent of being told to get the hell out of someone’s house. So get out already!

Best/Worst Reality Show

Best – America’s Next Top Model
There’s nothing like a good catfight on a Wednesday night and ANTM never fails to deliver! Sure, none of the women have any business on anyone’s catwalk but their skills (or even their beauty for that matter) aren’t what keeps us coming back “cycle” after “cycle”. What we love most is the big “fierce” laboratory experiment that is the show. Just how looney can fourteen, no talent, female gerbils stuck in a luxury Habitrail become? Watch and find out…BITCHES!

Worst – So You Think You Can Dance?
Once again, FOX imitates, duplicates and comes in last place. Worse thing was, none of them fools could truly bust a move!

Best/Worst TV Villain

Best – Robert Knepper, Prison Break, T-Bag

No one on television has ever made us squirm as much as Theodore Bagwell, aka T-Bag. Ok, maybe Clarence Thomas during the confirmation hearings but that’s another story. What do you get when you mix white supremacist, child murderer/molester, flaming homosexual sexual predator and sociopath with just a hint of Southern charm? You get the creepiest villain ever! Actually, they could have left the homosexuality out and he would have been just as creepy but that’s a topic for another post…

Honorable Mention – Donald Sutherland, Commander in Chief, Nathan Templeton

Worst – Julian McMahon, Nip/Tuck, Dr. Christian Troy

What can we say about this bottom-feeder? How about. . .oily skin, slick hair and a sleazy sex life played out in front of a greased lens. Can somebody please get this misogynistic misanthrope a bar of non-comedigenic soap and some clarifying shampoo? Oh yeah, and throw in a conscience while you're at it.

Best/Worst TV Hero

Best – Geena Davis, Commander in Chief, Mackenzie Allen

With grace, style and the ability to pull out a Sun Tsu quote on your ass at just the right moment, Geena Davis as President Mackenzie Allen gives us a bittersweet glimpse of what we have always suspected [but were too afraid to proclaim out loud for fear of having our tongues ripped out]: A woman should be running this country. America, you cheeky bitch...we salute ya!

Worst – Eddie Cibrian, Invasion, Russell Varon

As much as we wish Eddie Cibrian was our damn garbage man, we have to say we are disappointed by his park ranger family man character on ABC's new paranormal drama, "Invasion". For those of you who don't know, basically, Shaun "Da do run run" Cassidy who produces the show is biting a huge chunk outta "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (the one starring Donald Sutherland). Personally, we think Cassidy's "American Gothic" was better but. . .so Eddie plays Ranger Russ, who is gorgeous and disturbingly not at all as concerned as he should be considering that following a hurricane strange things start happening in his small Florida town. When your kid goes into shock after receiving a blood transfusion from his own mother. . .and the blood turns out to be not human but dolphin blood, we think you might want to do something other than frowning before slowly, slowly looking away.

Best Song and Album

Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine, "Tymps (The Sick In The Head Song)"

Gavin DeGraw, Chariot, "I Don’t Want To Be"

Biggest Cad/Wanton Woman

Billy Cudrup and Claire Danes

Unabashedly unrepentant, these two know they're pariahs but because they're "in love", they are willing to withstand the onslaught. . .yeah, Claire, until Billy falls in love with his next co-star while you're baby-sitting his kid. Claire Danes, never one of our faves, has turned into the kind of woman we can't stand. . .the woman who refuses to admit that a man who'll leave his pregnant girlfriend ain't much of a man. [Britney!! Pay attention young lady!!] I'm so tired of women falling for heartless assholes and blaming it on love. If we were in love, we wouldn't stand for it. . .but, that's another post!

Class of 2005 Most Likely To Succeed

Lindsay Lohan

She's got her red hair and her boobs back. And that's all the charm she needs to take over the world. This feisty Irish lass has got gold at the end of her rainbow. And if you think that was too many Irish clichés, you can kiss my blarney stone!

Wentworth Miller

We’ve already covered this ad nauseam for the love of Pete! Click here, here, here or even here for previous reviews.

Class of 2005 Least Likely To Succeed

Jennifer Aniston

She's cute and pathetic and we're all on her side but. . .why should we pay good, hard earned money to see "Rachel Green" have a ridiculous affair with Clive Owen when we can see her for free in syndication on some UHF station?

Diddy

This may just be wishful thinking but damn if we don’t wish this mouth breathing, no talent having, media whore would go away! Maybe if we say it enough it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy? We can only pray…

Best/Worst PR

Best – Angelina Jolie
Angie J. should give her PR flack a tricked out Hummer for Christmas. I mean, the advice about adopting the African kid. . .classic, just classic!

Worst – Tom Cruise
Everyone thinks he’s crazy and he’s making crappy movies. Enough said.

Worst Haters of 2005

50 Cent…For having zero percent sense of humor about himself and hatin’ on anyone who isn’t Fiddy.

Eminem…For having -100,000 percent sense of humor about himself and hatin’ on anyone who isn’t Marshall Mathers the “Great White Hope” of Hip Hop.

Kanye West...For having -100,000,000 percent sense of humor about himself, an ego as big as the universe and for hatin’ on Dubbya.

George W. Bush…For being the worst President ever and for hatin’ on the world, not just Black people.

Europe…For persistently and annoyingly hatin’on the United States.

People Most In Need Of A Slap Across The Face With A Fish

Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes

It was bad enough that y'all got together. Then y'all spawned. Surely, the end of the world is fast approaching. Joey Potter, we were so wrong about ye!!

Fred Durst

Listen Fred…man up already and stop whining about how some woman scrunched up your trifling self like a used paper towel and wiped her ass with it! You aren’t a bad looking man but no woman wants a man that whines about his broken heart so much. If you grew some balls maybe you could get a woman and keep her. And also, please don’t fool yourself into thinking someone would ever want to see your sex tape! Who do you think you are? Colin Farrell? Wigga Please!

Bono

This bleeding heart do-gooder. Personally, we think his altruism is a mask for his dastardly deeds carried out on behalf of the IRA.

Best People’s 50 Most Beautiful People Choice

Daniel Dae Kim, Lost, Jin-Soo Kwon

Other than Native Americans, Asians are one of the most under represented groups in all media, particularly Asian men and most particularly when it comes to beauty. We salute People Magazine for being so forward thinking and we salute Mr. Kim for being fine as all get out! WORD to his mother, God bless her!

Hookups That Made Us Say…What The Fuck!

Renée Zellweger & Kenny Chesney

What the…? But who…? How did they…? Why did they…? These fools are already divorced and we still don’t get it!

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner

Ben, we're so disappointed. Your choice in wives is almost as awful as your choice in movie projects.

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline

OK, so she meets him one night at a club. They hook up. Then two nights later, she's crying because she has to go to London and leave him. Then, she sends him a plane ticket to come and be with her in London. Britney, this kind of slavish attention to detail MUST be reserved for only the crème de la crème of men. If a woman is going to do something ignorant like underwrite some guy, the guy should at least be worth it!! She was better off with that no-singing, whiny wigga wanna be Timberlake!

In Desperate Need Of Therapy In 2006

Mike Jones

We understand that no one wanted you before you got rich and famous. But, know this and understand it - they still don't like you. They like the cash. They like you spending cash on them. Accept it and SHUT UP!

Britney Spears

When we first discovered you, you were a sweet little coon-ass from Louisiana doing back flips on MTV. Now, you're eating Chee-Toes and walking into roadside bathrooms barefoot and married to some wigga whose got two zebra babies out of wedlock that you're paying child support for. . .But wait, you are from Louisiana so, we suppose that explains all!!

Katie Holmes

Sister girl needs an intervention, deprogramming, therapy AND an exorcism from the Catholic Church!

Best/Worst Politician

Best – C. Ray Nagin

What can we say about this man that would ever do him justice? We lose our minds when we get a hangnail so we can only imagine what we would do when faced with the destruction of our city. Mr. Nagin kept his cool until he just couldn’t keep it anymore and when he lost it the world (and dumbass Dubbya) felt his pain and despair. We ain’t mad atcha Mr. Nagin, we ain’t mad atcha…[Pumping right fists in the air in perfectly synchronized thrusts]

Worst – Tom DeLayWe don’t mind that he’s so unrelentingly evil. We respect people who don’t try to conceal their misanthropic tendencies behind a veneer of loving kindness. What we can’t stand is that he doesn’t have the balls to admit it! Give it up Tommie Boy, we know you suckle at the teat of the Anti-Christ so sit down and SHUT UP!

Trends We Don’t Want To See In 2006

Man Stealing – Angie J. . .Paris. . .Claire. . .and any other woman who can't seem to find a man unless he's attached to another women. . .listen up. . .you chicas think you're cute and powerful now but, one day, y'all gone run up on some crazy bitch and you gone wind up cut sixteen ways from Sunday. . .leave that woman's man alone!!!

Big Ass Sunglasses – If they won’t let this fashion crisis end then the least the stars could do is call us so we can tell them if they have the right shaped head for these ugly shades!

Ig’nant Star Baby Names – Apple, Violet, Hazel. . .do we really need kids named after fruits and colors and acid induced dreams and mathematical theorems. . .?

Reality Stars Refusing To Disappear When Their 15 Minutes Are Up – Rob and Amber need to go away. . .matter of fact, we'll kidnap them and push them off a cliff. You don't even have to pay us. He's a heathen and she's a brainless twit. What she sees in that fool, we’ll never know. . .after all, she won the damn million. . .what the hell does she need him for?

Everybody who used to be on Real World [whatever city] – consistently coming back for those Real world versus Road Rules shows. . .Ruthie, Rachel, Veronica and the rest of y'all fools. Please move on and get a damn life. We know MTV ain't paying you that much!

Grills – It’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s just plan U.G.L.Y.! The time of dental adornments has come and gone people. Let it go…

JENNIFER GARNER. . .

Now, class, see if you can follow along.
Today’s lesson: JENNIFER GARNER - HOW TO BE A SKANK HO AND STILL BE ADORED BY THE PUBLIC

Okay, she cheated on Scott Speedman with Michael Vartan. Then she cheated on Michael Vartan (whom she refused to be seen in public with – must be taking lessons from them chocolate loving white boys – you know who you are, Paul Walker!). then she kicked Michael Vartan to the edge of the driveway for Ben Affleck. Then she got Michael Vartan kicked off “Alias” because she didn’t want to do love scenes with him anymore. Talk about a bitch in sheep’s clothing! Can you say vicious, devious skank class? You can? Well, good, you say it. Because if I do, I’ll be accused of throwing stones, and we all know that good Christian girls don’t ever throw stones, right?

Okay, a few months ago, it came out that Jenny G was having a kid outta wedlock with Big Ben (and I do believe I mean that in every sense of the word. . .there’s a reason why it chimes every hour on the hour, ya know?) and she had the unmitigated cajones to be very hurt that it came out before she could tell her friends. Oh, please, Jenny. Like your friends didn’t already know you were a skank ho? Whoops. . .that wasn’t a stone in my hand, was it? Sorry, my bad. What it comes down to is this: Jennifer Garner has no right to complain about people being all up in her beeswax because. . .she’s a “white girl”!

Key points to remember:
(Each one will count for 25 points on the test!)

1) As a “white girl”, Jennifer can have a show on ABC in which she plays a tough, kick-ass white girl (now, if that ain’t living in the neighborhood of make believe, I don’t know what is! Somebody call King Friday and Lady Elaine Fairchild!) even though nobody watches the damn show and it should be taken off the air and replaced with some other more deserving, more worthy show.

2) As a “white girl”, Jennifer can show up on the covers of IN STYLE, GLAMOUR and MARIE CLARIE, and in the accompanying interviews can be referred to as, “prettier in person” and “lovely” and my all time favorite, “beautiful”. I mean, come on, I see prettier white girls down and the Big & Nasty where I toil as a cog, er, bookseller. Jenny’s got lackluster hair, pinched features and a flat ass. Ben must be having withdrawal symptoms!! After J. Lo and that booty that charmed America, I know he’s crying bitterly into his pillow at night. I love ya, Ben but alas, I can’t feel ya pain. That’s what ya get for playing it safe. . .shoulda took a cue from Bobby DeNiro!

3) As a “white girl” she can put some mean ass Jedi Mind trick on a Cadillac-driving fugga like Ben Affleck, scaring him into thinking that caramel and chocolate would be bad for his teeth! Hey Jen, Luke Skyywalker called. He wants the Force back! Not only did she get that fugga to spawn with her but, when she gave him the ball and chain, he happily clamped in around his ankle. No wonder Ben’s career is in the toilet.

Well, I suppose he could always do seminars. . .you know, How to deal with being p***y-whipped after you’ve been gelded!

Jenny, if you was Latina, or Asian or (worse) black, your ass would be on UPN and you woulda been cancelled by now!


COPYRIGHT 2005 - Allow galaxyMafia to say it one mo' time. . .she likes white girls. . .they usually show as characters in most of her books!!

OK, peep this. . .
Y'all know that life would be so much better, and people would have a lot less strife and strain if they would just ask galaxyMafia but, alas. . .

THEY AIN'T ASK ME SO. . .(Part I)

In this series, galaxyMafia will expound and extrapolate upon various topics that she was not, through no fault of her own, asked to opine or scrutnize.

Check out the photo of Leo and GiGi. . .don’t they look like they want to raise up outta that
bee-otch. . .?

Now, I suppose you could beg to differ (but, really, do ya want to go there? Ya know how much more clever I am) and say that, as a model, GiGi understands how to position her body for the most effective (dazzling, gorgeous) shot. The gal do know how to model. She’s been on more magazine covers than any other mannequin and she’s got enough chedda to keep her constipated way into the afterlife. Thus, she may have hooked Leo DiC up with a clue. But, I think they was trying to get the hell away from each other. Both of them look like they’d rather been getting a colonoscopy (without lubrication) in public instead of standing next to each other, pretending that they’re in love. It’s clear and tumultuously obvious that GiGi was doing Leo a favor by showing up as arm candy for him. See, those in the know happen to know that Leo DiC is a bit rutti, tutti, fresh ‘n fruity (go IHOP, it’s ya birthday!) and GiGi came to lend him some “straight” cred.

OK, for those of you useless romantics out there (and ya know who ya are), who actually believed that the bombshell and the Nicholson doppleganger were in the throes of a committed, passionate relationship, for those who didn’t realized that he was “acting” and she was “posing”, I’ll tell you why they broke up. . .

They didn’t have a pathetically ridiculous nickname. In this age of Bennifer, Brangelina and Vaniston and Bennifer II, a celebrity couple’s shelf life depends largely on the way their names look and sound fused together. If a couple can’t stop being two distinct, separate functioning identities with their own individual ideas, dreams, plots, plans and diabolical schemes, then truly, they don’t stand a snowballs chance in East Texas (and neither do you, pardner, if you happen to be of a certain milk chocolate persuasion. Keep yer nose clean and beware the Ford F-350!)

The contract expired. Yes, yes. . .call me anti-Cupid but, ‘tis true! When super sexy GiGi burst on the scene, Leo said, fastidiously, “Hmmm. . .let’s see, if I hook up with Gisele, then maybe those pesky gay rumors will just go away. . .? Tobey, whatdaya think, hon?” So, our plucky Leo set about to meet the Victoria’s Secret gem. Obviously, GiGi knew he was on the DL, even if he looked nothing like J.L. King, and probably politely informed him where to get off. In Portuguese. But, Leo was probably nothing if not tenacious and clever. He present GiGi with one thing that would warm her heart and melt her resolve: a contract! “Oh Leo,” GiGi probably exclaimed, in a Brazilian accent thinker than duche de leche. “You have me at ‘for consideration of’. . .!”**

Tobey Maguire. I can’t remember what movie these two charming lads stared in together (and I don’t feel like going to the ImbD website to look it up) but, when they did, something magical happened, and now the boys are like Siamese twins, inseparable!
Fer sure, Tobey was probably slightly amused by Leo’s interest in GiGi, at first, after all, Mr. Maguire can appreciate superior eye candy but, make no mistake. Tobey fancies himself coming first in his best bud’s life, and no doubt hipped GiGi to the jive. “If you know what is beneficial for you, you Brazilian whore” the “Seabuscuit” thespian probably said, “you would do good never to dare usurp my position in Leo’s life!”

Gisele’s wavering support. When asked why she went to the 2004 Oscars with Leo DiC, GiGi responded, “I figured I should go and support my man so I went there just for that reason.”. Two things wrong with this seemingly pretty picture, folks. First, if some one has to ask you why you went with your man to perhaps one of the biggest events in his squat, little life, then you know there’s a problem. If the guy’s your man and you’re down for him, the “why” should be obvious. The fact that GiGi reason’s for accompanying Leo had to be explained signal a problem. I mean, cue the Soothsayer and beware the damn Ides of March, okaaay? Second, GiGi said she “figured” she “should” go? What the fudge? If she had to “figure”, meaning she had to sit down and weigh the pros and cons, it is clear that she wasn’t all trip the light fantastic about going. Then she figured she “should” go. . .as in, I don’t want to be off up in there but, I guess I should seeing as I am still under contract and thangs!” Wonder if her arm was bruised when Leo twisted it?

**For you none legal beagles, “consideration” means money. See there, I did learn something at that evil oil and gas empire I used to toil at as a highly dispensable cog!

Alas, thou canst stick a fork in Leo and Gisele. They is done! Rumor has it Leo is chatting up that moon faced KiKi Dunst. Wonder what Jake Gilly thinks about that? On second thought, I probably don’t!

I love Ms. Apple. I’ve loved her ever since the first time I heard Sleep To Dream from her 1996 CD, Tidal. So much anger and angst wrapped up in a cute little ball of a white girl. I feel ya FiFi (although maybe not so much on the little ball of a white girl part)! In fact, when I divested myself of my then lover I used the lyrics from that song in a fiery email that was, as you might expect, not well received.

That made me happy!

Anyway, now I have her current CD, Extraordinary Machine, which is AWESOME! Ms. Apple is older and wiser now (and still cute as a button – bitch!) but no less forthcoming with the scathing, yet beautifully crafted comebacks.

The song below is one of my favorite favorites from her current CD. Sing it FiFi!

Get Him Back

One man, he disappoint me
He give me the gouge and he take my glee
Now every other man I see
Remind me of the one man who disappoint me
[Ladies I know we can all relate to this!]

But wait till I get him back
He won't have a back to scratch
Yeah, keep turning that chin
And you will see my
Face as I figure how to kill what I cannot catch

So I say, and on I go
To another one to disappoint me so

Next one up, a contemptible snob
He live to put things in their place
He did a commendable job
He put himself so low
He can hardly even look me in the face
[I actually had this one! Man did I hate him!]

O, he made my blood just burn
I flipped so far, I thought that I would not return

But the last one I had who was getting my hopes up
I might've been a little fast to dismiss
I think he let me down, when he didn't disappoint me
He didn't always guess right, but he usually got my gist
[I haven’t met this one yet but I am so looking forward to it!]

So wait till I get him back
I'm gonna bring him home and I'll watch him unpack
Yeah keep turning that chin
And you will see my face is fixed on the one
I'm gonna get back

I'm gonna get him back
I am
I'm gonna get him back
I really am

I guess the first thing I have to do is get one, then unceremoniously dump him so I can 'get him back'… – GD