OK, peep this. . .
Y'all know that life would be so much better, and people would have a lot less strife and strain if they would just ask galaxyMafia but, alas. . .

THEY AIN'T ASK ME SO. . .(Part I)

In this series, galaxyMafia will expound and extrapolate upon various topics that she was not, through no fault of her own, asked to opine or scrutnize.

Check out the photo of Leo and GiGi. . .don’t they look like they want to raise up outta that
bee-otch. . .?

Now, I suppose you could beg to differ (but, really, do ya want to go there? Ya know how much more clever I am) and say that, as a model, GiGi understands how to position her body for the most effective (dazzling, gorgeous) shot. The gal do know how to model. She’s been on more magazine covers than any other mannequin and she’s got enough chedda to keep her constipated way into the afterlife. Thus, she may have hooked Leo DiC up with a clue. But, I think they was trying to get the hell away from each other. Both of them look like they’d rather been getting a colonoscopy (without lubrication) in public instead of standing next to each other, pretending that they’re in love. It’s clear and tumultuously obvious that GiGi was doing Leo a favor by showing up as arm candy for him. See, those in the know happen to know that Leo DiC is a bit rutti, tutti, fresh ‘n fruity (go IHOP, it’s ya birthday!) and GiGi came to lend him some “straight” cred.

OK, for those of you useless romantics out there (and ya know who ya are), who actually believed that the bombshell and the Nicholson doppleganger were in the throes of a committed, passionate relationship, for those who didn’t realized that he was “acting” and she was “posing”, I’ll tell you why they broke up. . .

They didn’t have a pathetically ridiculous nickname. In this age of Bennifer, Brangelina and Vaniston and Bennifer II, a celebrity couple’s shelf life depends largely on the way their names look and sound fused together. If a couple can’t stop being two distinct, separate functioning identities with their own individual ideas, dreams, plots, plans and diabolical schemes, then truly, they don’t stand a snowballs chance in East Texas (and neither do you, pardner, if you happen to be of a certain milk chocolate persuasion. Keep yer nose clean and beware the Ford F-350!)

The contract expired. Yes, yes. . .call me anti-Cupid but, ‘tis true! When super sexy GiGi burst on the scene, Leo said, fastidiously, “Hmmm. . .let’s see, if I hook up with Gisele, then maybe those pesky gay rumors will just go away. . .? Tobey, whatdaya think, hon?” So, our plucky Leo set about to meet the Victoria’s Secret gem. Obviously, GiGi knew he was on the DL, even if he looked nothing like J.L. King, and probably politely informed him where to get off. In Portuguese. But, Leo was probably nothing if not tenacious and clever. He present GiGi with one thing that would warm her heart and melt her resolve: a contract! “Oh Leo,” GiGi probably exclaimed, in a Brazilian accent thinker than duche de leche. “You have me at ‘for consideration of’. . .!”**

Tobey Maguire. I can’t remember what movie these two charming lads stared in together (and I don’t feel like going to the ImbD website to look it up) but, when they did, something magical happened, and now the boys are like Siamese twins, inseparable!
Fer sure, Tobey was probably slightly amused by Leo’s interest in GiGi, at first, after all, Mr. Maguire can appreciate superior eye candy but, make no mistake. Tobey fancies himself coming first in his best bud’s life, and no doubt hipped GiGi to the jive. “If you know what is beneficial for you, you Brazilian whore” the “Seabuscuit” thespian probably said, “you would do good never to dare usurp my position in Leo’s life!”

Gisele’s wavering support. When asked why she went to the 2004 Oscars with Leo DiC, GiGi responded, “I figured I should go and support my man so I went there just for that reason.”. Two things wrong with this seemingly pretty picture, folks. First, if some one has to ask you why you went with your man to perhaps one of the biggest events in his squat, little life, then you know there’s a problem. If the guy’s your man and you’re down for him, the “why” should be obvious. The fact that GiGi reason’s for accompanying Leo had to be explained signal a problem. I mean, cue the Soothsayer and beware the damn Ides of March, okaaay? Second, GiGi said she “figured” she “should” go? What the fudge? If she had to “figure”, meaning she had to sit down and weigh the pros and cons, it is clear that she wasn’t all trip the light fantastic about going. Then she figured she “should” go. . .as in, I don’t want to be off up in there but, I guess I should seeing as I am still under contract and thangs!” Wonder if her arm was bruised when Leo twisted it?

**For you none legal beagles, “consideration” means money. See there, I did learn something at that evil oil and gas empire I used to toil at as a highly dispensable cog!

Alas, thou canst stick a fork in Leo and Gisele. They is done! Rumor has it Leo is chatting up that moon faced KiKi Dunst. Wonder what Jake Gilly thinks about that? On second thought, I probably don’t!