Sex and the Sushi Best of 2005

The year end list is trite as hell but we made one anyway. Enjoy…or don’t. It really makes us no never mind.

Best/Worst Movie

BestA History of Violence

Click here for previous review

WorstThe Longest Yard/The Amityville Horror

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. And if it sucked to begin with for sure as hell don’t remake it if you can’t make it better! Adam Sandler replacing Burt Reynolds? What the fuck ever! And we don’t care how buff Ryan Reynolds is, washboard abs don’t add a damn thing to a horror movie! The people that green lighted this tripe can lick the crickety cracks of our black asses!

Best/Worst Movie Hero and Villain

Viggo Mortensen in A History Of Violence

Tom Stall is just the kind of anti-hero every gal dreams of marrying. He can put food on the table and kill a guy with a coffee pot! I'll buy that for a dollar!!

Best/Worst Television Show

BestCommander in Chief /Prison Break

Commander in Chief
This show has it all; style, drama, fast paced writing, and a realistic plot that balances political intrigue with terrific family drama. Also, 15 million fools can’t be wrong!

Prison Break
The only thing realistic about his show is the prison it’s filmed in but we don’t care! If We’re going to spend an hour suspending our disbelief it will be watching this show. We’ve installed crash carts next to our Barcaloungers just in case all the drama, action, pathos and shirtless Dominic Purcell and Wentworth Miller become too much for us to handle.

WorstAlias/That 70’s Show

Alias
We wouldn’t have any problem with Alias if it were staring the girl JJ Abrams truly intended; Keri Russell. The idea of Alias came when JJ wanted to do an episode of Felicity as a CIA agent recruit. But after Russell cut her hair and sent the ratings plummeting, the WB was squeamish about taking Russell’s character into uncharted territory. After JJ gave up on Felicity he chose pinched face Jennifer Garner to headline the show. Add to that the fact that when Jennifer Garner unceremoniously dumped Michael Vartan and had him kicked off the show the producers found out who the real star was when the ratings took a nose dive. Now that he’s back no one cares anymore and it’s “Hasta La Vista” for the whole crew. Lesson for TV Producers: Never underestimate the power of a hot, sexy man…NEVER!

That 70’s Show
Short and sweet: Eric Foreman is the pivotal character on the show. All the other characters revolve around Eric. Now that he’s in Africa who gives a damn! End it now while you still have your self-respect. There is no glory in being canceled. Being canceled is the equivalent of being told to get the hell out of someone’s house. So get out already!

Best/Worst Reality Show

BestAmerica’s Next Top Model
There’s nothing like a good catfight on a Wednesday night and ANTM never fails to deliver! Sure, none of the women have any business on anyone’s catwalk but their skills (or even their beauty for that matter) aren’t what keeps us coming back “cycle” after “cycle”. What we love most is the big “fierce” laboratory experiment that is the show. Just how looney can fourteen, no talent, female gerbils stuck in a luxury Habitrail become? Watch and find out…BITCHES!

WorstSo You Think You Can Dance?
Once again, FOX imitates, duplicates and comes in last place. Worse thing was, none of them fools could truly bust a move!

Best/Worst TV Villain

BestRobert Knepper, Prison Break, T-Bag

No one on television has ever made us squirm as much as Theodore Bagwell, aka T-Bag. Ok, maybe Clarence Thomas during the confirmation hearings but that’s another story. What do you get when you mix white supremacist, child murderer/molester, flaming homosexual sexual predator and sociopath with just a hint of Southern charm? You get the creepiest villain ever! Actually, they could have left the homosexuality out and he would have been just as creepy but that’s a topic for another post…

Honorable MentionDonald Sutherland, Commander in Chief, Nathan Templeton

WorstJulian McMahon, Nip/Tuck, Dr. Christian Troy

What can we say about this bottom-feeder? How about. . .oily skin, slick hair and a sleazy sex life played out in front of a greased lens. Can somebody please get this misogynistic misanthrope a bar of non-comedigenic soap and some clarifying shampoo? Oh yeah, and throw in a conscience while you're at it.

Best/Worst TV Hero

BestGeena Davis, Commander in Chief, Mackenzie Allen

With grace, style and the ability to pull out a Sun Tsu quote on your ass at just the right moment, Geena Davis as President Mackenzie Allen gives us a bittersweet glimpse of what we have always suspected [but were too afraid to proclaim out loud for fear of having our tongues ripped out]: A woman should be running this country. America, you cheeky bitch...we salute ya!

WorstEddie Cibrian, Invasion, Russell Varon

As much as we wish Eddie Cibrian was our damn garbage man, we have to say we are disappointed by his park ranger family man character on ABC's new paranormal drama, "Invasion". For those of you who don't know, basically, Shaun "Da do run run" Cassidy who produces the show is biting a huge chunk outta "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (the one starring Donald Sutherland). Personally, we think Cassidy's "American Gothic" was better but. . .so Eddie plays Ranger Russ, who is gorgeous and disturbingly not at all as concerned as he should be considering that following a hurricane strange things start happening in his small Florida town. When your kid goes into shock after receiving a blood transfusion from his own mother. . .and the blood turns out to be not human but dolphin blood, we think you might want to do something other than frowning before slowly, slowly looking away.

Best Song and Album

Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine, "Tymps (The Sick In The Head Song)"

Gavin DeGraw, Chariot, "I Don’t Want To Be"

Biggest Cad/Wanton Woman

Billy Cudrup and Claire Danes

Unabashedly unrepentant, these two know they're pariahs but because they're "in love", they are willing to withstand the onslaught. . .yeah, Claire, until Billy falls in love with his next co-star while you're baby-sitting his kid. Claire Danes, never one of our faves, has turned into the kind of woman we can't stand. . .the woman who refuses to admit that a man who'll leave his pregnant girlfriend ain't much of a man. [Britney!! Pay attention young lady!!] I'm so tired of women falling for heartless assholes and blaming it on love. If we were in love, we wouldn't stand for it. . .but, that's another post!

Class of 2005 Most Likely To Succeed

Lindsay Lohan

She's got her red hair and her boobs back. And that's all the charm she needs to take over the world. This feisty Irish lass has got gold at the end of her rainbow. And if you think that was too many Irish clichés, you can kiss my blarney stone!

Wentworth Miller

We’ve already covered this ad nauseam for the love of Pete! Click here, here, here or even here for previous reviews.

Class of 2005 Least Likely To Succeed

Jennifer Aniston

She's cute and pathetic and we're all on her side but. . .why should we pay good, hard earned money to see "Rachel Green" have a ridiculous affair with Clive Owen when we can see her for free in syndication on some UHF station?

Diddy

This may just be wishful thinking but damn if we don’t wish this mouth breathing, no talent having, media whore would go away! Maybe if we say it enough it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy? We can only pray…

Best/Worst PR

BestAngelina Jolie
Angie J. should give her PR flack a tricked out Hummer for Christmas. I mean, the advice about adopting the African kid. . .classic, just classic!

WorstTom Cruise
Everyone thinks he’s crazy and he’s making crappy movies. Enough said.

Worst Haters of 2005

50 Cent…For having zero percent sense of humor about himself and hatin’ on anyone who isn’t Fiddy.

Eminem…For having -100,000 percent sense of humor about himself and hatin’ on anyone who isn’t Marshall Mathers the “Great White Hope” of Hip Hop.

Kanye West...For having -100,000,000 percent sense of humor about himself, an ego as big as the universe and for hatin’ on Dubbya.

George W. Bush…For being the worst President ever and for hatin’ on the world, not just Black people.

Europe…For persistently and annoyingly hatin’on the United States.

People Most In Need Of A Slap Across The Face With A Fish

Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes

It was bad enough that y'all got together. Then y'all spawned. Surely, the end of the world is fast approaching. Joey Potter, we were so wrong about ye!!

Fred Durst

Listen Fred…man up already and stop whining about how some woman scrunched up your trifling self like a used paper towel and wiped her ass with it! You aren’t a bad looking man but no woman wants a man that whines about his broken heart so much. If you grew some balls maybe you could get a woman and keep her. And also, please don’t fool yourself into thinking someone would ever want to see your sex tape! Who do you think you are? Colin Farrell? Wigga Please!

Bono

This bleeding heart do-gooder. Personally, we think his altruism is a mask for his dastardly deeds carried out on behalf of the IRA.

Best People’s 50 Most Beautiful People Choice

Daniel Dae Kim, Lost, Jin-Soo Kwon

Other than Native Americans, Asians are one of the most under represented groups in all media, particularly Asian men and most particularly when it comes to beauty. We salute People Magazine for being so forward thinking and we salute Mr. Kim for being fine as all get out! WORD to his mother, God bless her!

Hookups That Made Us Say…What The Fuck!

Renée Zellweger & Kenny Chesney

What the…? But who…? How did they…? Why did they…? These fools are already divorced and we still don’t get it!

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner

Ben, we're so disappointed. Your choice in wives is almost as awful as your choice in movie projects.

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline

OK, so she meets him one night at a club. They hook up. Then two nights later, she's crying because she has to go to London and leave him. Then, she sends him a plane ticket to come and be with her in London. Britney, this kind of slavish attention to detail MUST be reserved for only the crème de la crème of men. If a woman is going to do something ignorant like underwrite some guy, the guy should at least be worth it!! She was better off with that no-singing, whiny wigga wanna be Timberlake!

In Desperate Need Of Therapy In 2006

Mike Jones

We understand that no one wanted you before you got rich and famous. But, know this and understand it - they still don't like you. They like the cash. They like you spending cash on them. Accept it and SHUT UP!

Britney Spears

When we first discovered you, you were a sweet little coon-ass from Louisiana doing back flips on MTV. Now, you're eating Chee-Toes and walking into roadside bathrooms barefoot and married to some wigga whose got two zebra babies out of wedlock that you're paying child support for. . .But wait, you are from Louisiana so, we suppose that explains all!!

Katie Holmes

Sister girl needs an intervention, deprogramming, therapy AND an exorcism from the Catholic Church!

Best/Worst Politician

Best – C. Ray Nagin

What can we say about this man that would ever do him justice? We lose our minds when we get a hangnail so we can only imagine what we would do when faced with the destruction of our city. Mr. Nagin kept his cool until he just couldn’t keep it anymore and when he lost it the world (and dumbass Dubbya) felt his pain and despair. We ain’t mad atcha Mr. Nagin, we ain’t mad atcha…[Pumping right fists in the air in perfectly synchronized thrusts]

Worst – Tom DeLayWe don’t mind that he’s so unrelentingly evil. We respect people who don’t try to conceal their misanthropic tendencies behind a veneer of loving kindness. What we can’t stand is that he doesn’t have the balls to admit it! Give it up Tommie Boy, we know you suckle at the teat of the Anti-Christ so sit down and SHUT UP!

Trends We Don’t Want To See In 2006

Man Stealing – Angie J. . .Paris. . .Claire. . .and any other woman who can't seem to find a man unless he's attached to another women. . .listen up. . .you chicas think you're cute and powerful now but, one day, y'all gone run up on some crazy bitch and you gone wind up cut sixteen ways from Sunday. . .leave that woman's man alone!!!

Big Ass Sunglasses – If they won’t let this fashion crisis end then the least the stars could do is call us so we can tell them if they have the right shaped head for these ugly shades!

Ig’nant Star Baby Names – Apple, Violet, Hazel. . .do we really need kids named after fruits and colors and acid induced dreams and mathematical theorems. . .?

Reality Stars Refusing To Disappear When Their 15 Minutes Are Up – Rob and Amber need to go away. . .matter of fact, we'll kidnap them and push them off a cliff. You don't even have to pay us. He's a heathen and she's a brainless twit. What she sees in that fool, we’ll never know. . .after all, she won the damn million. . .what the hell does she need him for?

Everybody who used to be on Real World [whatever city] – consistently coming back for those Real world versus Road Rules shows. . .Ruthie, Rachel, Veronica and the rest of y'all fools. Please move on and get a damn life. We know MTV ain't paying you that much!

Grills – It’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s just plan U.G.L.Y.! The time of dental adornments has come and gone people. Let it go…
 

3 comments so far.

  1. Anonymous 6:54 PM, January 10, 2006
    That "zebra babies" comment bothers the hell out of me, because it's quite inappropriate, not to mention demeaning. Biracial kids should never be called "zebra" or "Oreo", that's awfully bigotist.
  2. Sex and the Sushi 9:34 PM, January 10, 2006
    Actually, ANONYMOUS, I was being racist. Bigoted would mean that I hate zebra kids and think that I am superior to them. And by the way, that ANONYMOUS bothers the hell out of me. It's quite chicken shit.
  3. Sex and the Sushi 9:05 AM, January 11, 2006
    Wow! Thanks for the negative comment “Anonymous”!

    I love dissenting points of view and I welcome them. However, I do find it odd that with all the trash we talk about people of all ethnicities and skin colors and yes, even races, that this topic of “Biracial Kids” is the only one to elicit such a response. Are you “biracial” Anonymous? Are your kids or grandchildren “biracial”? Is that why you find our jokes so distasteful? Would it make you feel better to know that Glamour Diva and galaxyMafia are both “multiracial”? Or maybe you’re just a humorless cow?

    You see the reason I keep using quotes is because I don’t believe there is such a thing as race. Race is an idea that we’ve accepted as fact but it does not actually exist. As satirists it is our job and or pleasure to grab the populace by the scruff of the neck and shove their faces in the banana cream pie of their own lies and deceit. Get it? It’s called humor!

    By the way, the term “oreo” is not another term for “biracial”. Oreo means that a person looks black but acts or is believed to think of himself as white on the inside. If the person in question is Hispanic then the term is “coconut”.

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