What fresh hell is this? – Dorothy Parker

When the FUCK did Malili get MARRIED?!? And why didn’t anyone tell me? Hello all my sources and Moles! Holy Fucking HELL! I’m so upset I don’t know what to damn do! SHIT!

I’m really trying to remain calm here but OH MY GOD! Someone…anyone…please tell me this is not a real marriage! And when I write “real” I mean in the sense that they stood up in front of some sort of holy, ordained official and promised to love, honor and cherish each other in front of God and man. State marriages, while legal, don’t count! That’s man’s law not God’s law! DAMMIT!

Okay I know I’m grasping at straws here but you just don’t understand! While not the prettiest boy [That’s still The Nonu unless he keeps getting fatter! Have you seen the pre-season pics yo? He’s wobbling into Tialata territory!] he did seem to be the most normal and Oooooo LAWD that body! Just the right amount of hot sexy slimness! And that voice and that goofy little boy laugh and those big brown puppy dog eyes! Mind you, he had some unfortunate hair issues last fall but he's seen the error of his ways and I stood by him through all of that horribleness and this is the thanks I get?

And now he’s forever linked to that damn Haley Armstrong (I will NEVER call her Muliaina!). Seriously, what sort of Jedi Mind Trick did she put on him? Or maybe she has a trick pelvis like Pamela Anderson Lee Ritchie Salomon? Or maybe he grabbed her by the neck and told her marrying him and becoming his slave was the only way she could ever repay him for paying off her debts? Yes…that must be it…that HAS to be it!

Sigh. Upon further consideration I think I might be feeling the effects of the cosmic ass whippin' I so rightly deserve for sticking my stubby little fingers all in their Kool-Aid with no earthly idea of its flavor! Well this is just great! If he wants to be married to his thieving ass, emotionally crippled white woman then I say good luck to you Mils ‘cause you’re gonna need it!

You see? I can’t be civil towards this woman for one minute! Alright, well please enjoy this thank you email the “Happy Couple” sent to their cheesy ass wedding band thanking them for a job well done.

We just wanted to send a quick note to say a big thankyou to you and the band. You made our wedding ROCK!!! We could not of asked for anything more - we have had amazing feedback regarding the band - and the full dance floor is a tribute to the amazing job you did. We can honestly say you made our wedding a hit. Wishing you all a merry and safe xmas!!!

Mils and Hayley Muliaina (email 20th Dec 2007)

Gag me with a rugby boot!

Oh the hate…THE HATE it consumes me! Damn you Haley Armstrong! Why must I cry?!? – GD