It all started when Barbara Walters first began to cast her new show, a talk format vehicle called, “The View”.

Initially, Barbara didn’t want to hire Star Jones, then a quivering mass of chocolate pudding but no other self-respecting black woman wanted the job.

Star had been covering the O.J. trial for Court TV but after the former Hertz pitchman-turned-homicidal butcher was acquitted for killing his wife (and her “friend” Ron Goldman) by a group of vengeful Negros, hell-bent on extracting retaliation for the deaths of Emmett Till, Medgar Evans and the lynching of other non-descript black men, Star Jones was off the air, out of a job.

Star, for her part, was not peachy keen on working with the powerful yet speech-impaired anchorwoman however she really didn’t have any other options.

Barbara was wedged between the same rock and hard place. Knowing she couldn’t withstand the social scrutiny of a table of palefaces, she was desperate for a splash of color to help “diversify” her cast.

And thus the enmity was born.

Barbara knew early on she’d made a mistake in hiring Star Jones. The two tons o’ fun barrister was loud and brash, an opinionated finger-snapping, neck-swiveling non-conformist who refused to toe Babs’ line.

Barbara told unofficial moderator Meredith Viera to tame Star but the peace-keeping WASP was wary of confronting Star, who she feared might sit on her and crush the life from her frail, feeble body.


Things began to get fugly when Star lost weight and met a bisexual who, upon reviewing her lucrative contract, decided to propose marriage, forsaking his “down low” tendencies in lieu of filthy lucre.

After Star’s book (which she ridiculously called “Shine” in a juvenile attempt at an allusion to her presumptuous name) became a bestseller, Barbara decided she’d had it up to HERE with the sassy chocolate bar and set about making plans to break her foot off in Star’s (considerably thinner) ass.

True, Star Jones had burned bright but Barbara wanted her to burn out. In retaliation, she hired Rosie O’Donnell, an enemy combatant of Star’s, knowing that Star wouldn’t be able to sit at the same table as the Chinese baby loving lesbo without retching all over ultra-conservative (and alleged child abuser) Lizzie Hasselback.

Upon hearing of Rosie the Riveter’s impending arrival, Star quit in a snit, crying foul to Larry King about a conspiracy to kick her to the curb.

Babs’ response was a classic Clarence Thomas “irrevocable, categorical” denial of Star’s claims followed by an insincere, obligatory good luck for Star’s future.

Now that Star is out of the picture, Barbara has her hands full trying to pick a replacement token black girl, one who’s more beautiful than Star Jones who was never beautiful and who, upon completion of gastric-bypass surgery, was revealed to be particularly hideous.

Star plans to self-publish, using a Gutenberg press, “S, the Star magazine”.

copyright 2006 - galaxyMafia