Nonu(s) Is Bad News For Glamour Diva

Category: , , , , , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
It started as a kind gesture from one human being to another and ended as farce. What’s that saying…no good deed goes unpunished?

Consider the following a “Cautionary Tale” Dear Readers – No matter how famous (or infamous), talented, athletic or stunningly gorgeous (And he is soooooo very pretty!) someone is, that person is first and foremost human and subject to all the foibles and shortcomings associated with being flesh and blood. I don’t really know what I expected but I suppose it wasn’t that he’d be quite so monosyllabic and paranoid! But then I guess his fears were justified since I’m publishing his emails to me huh? *cough* Moving on…

I had originally planned to reveal this correspondence over the course of a few days but I decided I didn’t want to drag it out like that. All the better to get on with all the hate mail I know I’m going to receive right? So enjoy all the juicy Scroll Down goodness to follow Dear Readers!

November 27, 2006

Mr. Ma'a Nonu
C/O Wellington Rugby Football Union
Level 1, 113 Adelaide Road
Newtown, Wellington
New Zealand

Dear Mr. Nonu,

I love rugby and I think you’re a wonderful player (The Wellington Hurricanes and Lions are my favorite teams) but I’ve noticed that you have more detractors, or as we say in the U.S. – Haters, than any other player in the whole NZRU! If fans and sports pundits alike aren’t wasting valuable trees and bandwidth complaining about what you can’t do then they are constantly talking about how hot to damn death (That’s U.S. slang for “very attractive”) you are!

I can only imagine how it must feel to receive such mixed signals all the time. Do they like me? Do they hate me? Do they like me because of my speed and power on the pitch? Or do they only like me because I’m sexy? Do they hate me because I’m an exceptional player who can only get better and because I’m sexy? Thank goodness I don’t have that problem – I know I’m an attractive and intelligent young woman so it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks! HA! But enough about me…

That press conference after the England test was just the worst thing ever! You looked so sad and dejected, I just wanted to jump through my computer screen and give you a great big Texas hug! You had your head down and you weren’t smiling which is, quite simply, just a damn shame because your megawatt smiles are the second best thing about world rugby (the first being lots and lots of well built men in shorts)! Your performance rating was way better than a four sweetheart. I give it a solid 7.5 out of 10 and that’s only because you were playing in an unfamiliar position and also because England wasn’t at full strength. Much respect to England but the All Blacks playing against them was like sending a Cocker Spaniel to fight a Rottweiler. Not really much of fight don’t you think?

Read this and know it Mr. Nonu: you did an excellent job in every game you played. You are not Tana Umaga but something just as special…Ma’a Nonu and as such you are fabulous just the way God made you! Promise me please that you will deliver no more pitiful speeches about how poorly you did and how you feel you let the team down? If the situation ever presents itself again and you need a helpful reference, take a page out of Tana Umaga, Jerry Collins and Rodney So’oialo’s book and just say that you know not everyone will be satisfied with your performance but that you did your best and as a child of God that’s all you’re required to do! This won’t completely silence your haters but it will quiet them down considerably.

And for goodness sakes stop blowing up Dan Carter’s spot! I’m sure he has many fine qualities but he is not the be all and end all of NZ Rugby! As I wrote at the beginning of this letter MY favorite team is Wellington so as far as I’m concerned all the other players and teams are only there to keep the Wellington boys occupied until it’s time to beat up on Europe, Australia and South Africa!

I will close this letter by leaving you with a bit of wisdom from those Dirty South, Hip Hop Sages, Quint Black and Scarface – “Shake Dem Haters Off” and “Do What You Do” respectively. Remember Mr. Nonu, never let’em see ya sweat and keep smiling baby!

Sincerely,
Ms. GD
mypersonalemail@yahoo.com


Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 11:44:48 +1300
From: "ma'a nonu"
To: “Ms. GD”
Subject: sup to

hello. . .
well,sory but this may seem random..im writing to Ms. GD..
if thats ur name...concerning a letter i recieved,
well. . thanx . . not sure wat ur backgroung is,but u must watch alot of footy..
if im wrong then im wrong,

just a kind regards 4 the letter,of ur concerns 4 th e tour last year..

sweet??. . hope al is well..take it ezy

8 dayz


[Okay Dear Readers, full disclosure here…I screamed like I’d been stabbed in the chest after I read this email! And I was still screaming when I called GM to tell her (through intermittent screams and panting) that he’d emailed me!]

Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 17:23:37 -0800 (PST)
From: "Ms. GD"
Subject: Re: sup to
To: "ma'a nonu"

Dear Mr. Nonu,

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised by your email. Actually, surprised isn’t the best word choice – Astounded, Gobsmacked and Floored, I think, more accurately describe my reaction when I opened my email last night!

I never expected a response! With all the mail I’m sure you receive from fans all over the world, I just figured my letter would have been lost in the shuffle. But I am so happy you did, in fact, receive it and that you were kind enough to write back.

I have tons of questions for you but I won’t impose upon your kindness more than I already have. I’ll just close by writing that I wish you all the luck in the world – not that you or the rest of the Wellington Mafia need it – for the upcoming rugby season. I know 2007 is Wellington’s year to bring home the Super 14 and Air New Zealand Cup trophies. And I further know that the All Blacks, of which you will be a starting player, will continue to reign supreme through the June tours, Tri Nations, and on into the World Cup! Until then always remember:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phillippians 4:13)

Sincerely,
Glamour Diva

P.S. What does “8 dayz” mean? And tell me, were you smiling your gorgeous smile when you read my original letter? Please say yes!


Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2007 13:02:15 +1300
From: "ma'a nonu"
To: “Ms. GD”
Subject: sup to

sup..

i dnt realy smile dat often,mayb only at funny stuff
8 dayz is just good 4 the health...

im curious,u send out all leteers to the all blacks...an how long u been watching footy,cos houston is far away,not many know about rugby ova dea...kinda feels like a hoaks..????

ur age 4 1 thing.... u dnt hav too...just too far away too watch...

8 dayz

ps..i did smile tho


[The Nonu smiled when he read my letter y’all! Eeeeeeepppppp! But what would make him think I was hoaxing him?]

Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 19:24:36 -0800 (PST)
From: "Ms. GD"
Subject: Re: sup to
To: "ma'a nonu"

Dear Mr. Nonu,

Once again you have managed to leave me utterly flabbergasted! Okay…so I guess I should answer your questions and address your concerns.

No I don’t send letters to all the All Blacks and no, this isn’t a hoax. This may sound very clichéd but your letter was the, umm…first of it’s kind! Like I wrote in the original letter it really did bother me to hear you speak so negatively about your performance and for reasons I still can’t fully understand or explain I felt compelled to write to you and let you know that you did an excellent job! See, very simple right?

I’ve been a rugby fan for a few years now. It is very difficult to get games here so most of my knowledge about the game and the players has come from written accounts of games in the news and video clips on TV and the Internet. But it wasn’t until a few months ago that my friend and I discovered we could download full games from the Internet. We’ve been rabid fans ever since!

Houston may be far away but there are a few of us who know a little about the game. Texas has it’s own rugby union (http://www.texasrugbyunion.com) ya know! Also, there are many Europeans, Australians and even a few New Zealanders working and living here in Houston so there is a small demand for access to matches.

Now, when you write, “ur age 4 1 thing.... u dnt hav too” is that your way of asking me how old I am? Well I don’t usually answer questions about my age but I suppose I can tell you because you seem like a nice enough kid. I’m ____. Now it’s your turn to answer a few questions: 1. What does your name mean, that is to say, what’s the English translation, 2. What do you do when you aren’t playing or practicing rugby and 3. Are you really, seriously considering switching to League? Owing to the sensitive nature of that last question, I won’t grumble if you can’t answer it but please know that if you do tell me I promise I won’t tell anyone! Promise, Promise! Besides, no one would believe me anyway…

And I don’t believe you only smile when something’s funny; I’ve seen far too many photos and videos of you smiling like there was no tomorrow! But I’m not hatin’ on you sweetheart, I love every square inch of that stellar smile!

Sincerely,
Glamour Diva

P.S. You know Mr. Nonu (If that is in fact your real name), I’m beginning to think you are the hoax!


Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 12:14:37 +1300
From: "ma'a nonu"
To: “Ms. GD”
Subject: sup to

well...

im surprised,how do u know im the real thing.????

Nonu


[I know you can’t really read tone in email but doesn’t it seem like he’s insulted that I might not think he is in fact The Nonu?]

Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 18:16:47 -0800 (PST)
From: "Ms. GD"
Subject: Re: sup to
To: "ma'a nonu"

Dear Mr. Nonu,

Sup Hamo! I had a wonderful weekend Mr. Nonu, truly fabulous! Thank you so much for asking! *wink* How was your weekend? Did you do anything special other than, as Ice Cube said, be up in the club? Precisely how many spots did you hit and how many girls did you pull (Not many, if any? Sorry couldn’t resist! )? I have another question for you (seeing as how you didn’t like any from my previous email) – Have you met Chong Nee, Scribe or Savage and if so, what are they really like? Later Uso!

Sincerely,
Glamour Diva

P. S. When you see Neemia Tialata next Monday, please let him know my friend galaxyMafia says hello! And I don’t know if you’re “the real thing”. That’s why it’s called faith sweetheart…


Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2007 22:58:24 +1100
From: "ma'a nonu"
To: “Ms. GD”
Subject: sup to

wasup girl

send me foto. . . cos the boys wana get to know you...neemia says hi. . .

sweet as...

fa

MA'A


[Okay this really creeped me the freak out! So he told all his friends about his correspondence with me? And now they all want to see what I look like? Why? Am I a drunken teenaged girl being passed around at a frat party? Eeeww as well as Ick!]

Date: Sat, 27 Jan 2007 08:48:16 -0800 (PST)
From: "Ms. GD"
Subject: Re: sup to
To: "ma'a nonu"

Dear Mr. Nonu,

Sup gorgeous! What it do baby? Once again you’ve dropped another of your email bombs while still leaving all my questions unanswered. Well played Mr. Nonu, well played. But you will find me a formidable opponent! I refuse to give in to your calculated efforts to not release any information about yourself! Therefore I have still more questions for you to callously ignore – Who are these boys who “wana get to know [me]”? And what does “sweet as…fa” signify? Sweet as...the number four? Also, please let Neemia know that GM returns his hello and that she hopes his calf muscle is doing well. Keep smilin’ Hamo ‘cause you know I loves it baby!

Sincerely,
Glamour Diva

P. S. I’ll send you a "foto" but I have to find a really good one and scan it first. While I do that, would you be so kind as to send me and GM a recent photograph of you and Neemia...together? Pretty please with a cherry on top? We’d like to see big smiles from the both of you okay? Thanks sweetheart!


Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2007 22:58:07 +1300
From: "ma'a nonu"
To: “Ms. GD”
Subject: sup to

DIS IS A HOAKS??

send a pix,an il believe you...

kind regards....

sweet ??

NONU


[Once again, I know you can’t really read tone in email but doesn’t it seem like he’s demanding I comply?]

Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2007 19:06:08 -0800 (PST)
From: "Ms. GD"
Subject: Re: sup to
To: "ma'a nonu"

Dear Mr. Nonu,

You really pissed me off this time! In fact, you pissed me off so much that after I read your email I called GM at 6 a.m., waking her from a sound sleep, to tell her exactly how pissed I was. And after I read your email to her she became just as pissed. But alas, by the time we concluded with, I know he didn’t! and Just who the hell does he think he is? It was time for me to get dressed and leave for work.

While at work I tried to pray on the situation but it kept coming out wrong, something like: Lord, please keep me from going straight ghetto on his ass and cursing that nizzle clean the f*ck out! I tried writing a really nasty, long letter but that didn’t help either. So I just decided to concentrate on work and think about my response later. On the way home one of my favorite Chong-Nee songs came up on my iPod and I started to think about Super 14 starting this weekend and all the things I’ve learned and begun to love about New Zealand and it hit me that being so angry with some spoilt, petulant kid I don’t even know is a waste of precious time and energy! Why should I let you ruin all things rugby, New Zealand and even Samoan, for me?

So once again my writing to you was not a “hoax”. I don’t even know what you mean by that! Do you think I’m trying to get money from you? Do you think I’m angling for free airfare, accommodations and tickets to the World Cup? Do you think I’m a man masquerading as a woman? Or do you think I’m just being evil and messing with your head? Your definition of “hoax” eludes me sweetheart and I’m exhausted with trying to figure it out! Either way this is my third time writing this but once again, I really did feel badly for you after the England Test and I just wanted you to know that there was at least one person in the world who didn’t think your performance was crap!

To sum up Mr. Nonu, I don’t want your money or any free rugby stuff you might be able to procure for me. I don’t want to date you or marry you. I don’t want to use your celebrity to raise my profile because, let’s face it, it wouldn’t work here because there are only a handful of people in America who would even know what a Ma’a Nonu is and those who have heard of you wouldn’t believe I’d been emailing you. They’d think I’d been hoaxed!

If our attached pictures still aren’t enough to convince you that we are who we say we are and that we are genetically, and in our general appearance, female then you are more than welcome to call us and hear our very female and nonmoney-grubbing voices:

Ms. GD – 00 1 713 555 5555
GM – 00 1 281 555 5555
(Please be mindful of the time difference, as NZ is 19 hours ahead of Texas)

Call us weird, call us crazy, call us ugly…we’ve ceased to care. Peace on THAT Uso and keep smilin' baby!

Sincerely,
Glamour Diva


Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2007 16:14:22 +1300
From: "ma'a nonu"
To: “Ms. GD”
Subject: sup to

hey there..

neemia loves the foto's...and my mate nili is prety keen to meet u guys too....

hope all is well...

regards..

nonu..

ps...dats all 4 now...


[WHAT? I just called you on the carpet boy! Don’t you have anything to say about that? Well at least Neemia and Nili think me and GM look good…]

Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2007 16:57:48 -0800 (PST)
From: "Ms. GD"
Subject: Re: sup to
To: "ma'a nonu"

Dear Mr. Nonu,

DIS IS A HOAX??

Send a picture of you and Neemia together (And now, I guess, Nili too) like I asked for in my previous email and I’ll believe you...

Fa shizzle my nizzle?

Peace Uso!

Ms. GD

P.S. GM asked would you please tell Neemia that if he “loves” the pictures so much he should give her a call. And yes all is very well here, thanks! Also please tell Nili that GM and I said “Hi” and good luck to you, Neemia and the rest of the Wellington Clique on Saturday!


Date: Sat, 17 Feb 2007 04:48:37 -0800 (PST)
From: "Ms. GD"
Subject: Re: sup to
To: "ma'a nonu"

Dear Mr. Nonu,

It’s been three weeks since I sent my last email requesting a photo of you and Neemia and I’m curious as to why you haven’t responded. Are you a collector Mr. Nonu? Do you collect photos of women like some people collect postage stamps, autographs or butterflies? Or maybe you’re so busy with Super 14 that you just haven’t gotten around to taking a picture of yourself or digging through the hundreds you already have showcased on Bebo?

I think demanding something like a spoilt child, receiving it, and then denying the giver’s request for the same is damn shady indeed! While I have great respect for you as a rugby player I am very disappointed in you as a person. But I suppose the jokes on me isn’t it? I didn’t want to believe it but I guess the rumors of you being incredibly self-absorbed and arrogant are true!

Good luck with the rest of the Super 14. The Reds made Wellington look like goats but you all redeemed yourselves in the games against the Chiefs and the Blues…but only just. We’ll see if the Brumbies will be your undoing. I hope you and your “boys” continue to enjoy yourselves at J&M Takeaways, Gizzy and all the rest of your hangouts and as always, Peace On That baby and keep smiling Hamo ‘cause you know I loves it!

Talk, well I heard talk is cheap
But like beauty, talk is just skin deep
And when you lie and you talk a lot
People tell you to step off a lot

Stetsasonic - “Talkin' All That Jazz”

Sincerely and The End,
Glamour Diva


As of this post The Nonu has not responded and I don’t think he will…at least not with a pic of he and Neemia (And Nili The Scrub)! I’m sure I’m in for the cussin’ of a lifetime! Or maybe he’ll laugh? Or maybe he’ll be completely ambivalent about the whole thing? Or maybe…just maybe…it wasn’t…really…Nonu…at all?!?!? GM and I rolled that one around our pea brains for several days Dear Readers. Maybe I wasn’t really emailing Nonu but some other verbally challenged Hamo instead? But then even we didn’t think The Nonu & Co. were THAT childish! No, something tells me it was really him, or at least him being egged on by his “boys”. Sigh. The world may never know…

And even with all this I still think he’s the most beautiful thing in rugby shorts! Sigh. That smile (With head cock) freakin’ KILLS me! Double sigh… – GD
 

8 comments so far.

  1. Debalina 6:25 PM, February 20, 2007
    Wow. I am praying to god that this was not Ma'a. He writes like a lightly retarded 12 year old. Seriously. And this is the way he treats fans? Unbelievable.

    Open letter to Ma'a - If this was NOT you, you better take a picture of yourself with a piece of paper saying "I love Sex and the Sushi" and send it to these wonderful ladies. Lots of people read this site and you look like an idiot right now!
    PS - I would still bang you though.
  2. Natalina 1:55 PM, February 21, 2007
    Hmmm, going by his emails Nonu does sound like a silly twelve year old... But damn it, I would shamelessly let him have it during choirpractice and the same goes for Sione Lauaki. Remember Momma still loves you baby (Even though you got that messed up haircut)!!!
  3. Sione & Pepe- Rugby Fobcast 7:09 PM, February 22, 2007
    My Polynesian Princess,

    There is every chance that this is the Ma'a Nonu.
    Becasue you being in the U.S & blogging is so huge, poor N.Z & Australia are very much behind in that respect.
    So this is what I think, he has recieved your beautiful letter, & assumed it was fom either someone doing a hoax or actually someone that really appreciates him.
    So for him he has to try & establish which of the 2 you are, without opening himself up too much, because football players do some crazy ass pranks on each other so it does sound like hes testing the waters.
    Now as for the pics, he is just doing what any Fob brother would do in the hidden cave of the internet, hes trying to play the game!! we all know what the game is!!!
    emails back & forth writting what you would normally not say in person, till it got a bit too much for him.
    As for the power of the Blog!, he has no idea that this has blown up to this now!!!
    He would of been happy assumed that the emails would of been from an admirer that was getting a little upset & would stop at that, but then here we are commenting on his corspondnce with you.
    Hes a good bloke, but when the internet gets a hold of the inexperanced, it can really change a persons thinking & open pandora's box.
    So don't read too much into it, he was covering his pride, & there is eery chance he did read it, but to humble to reply & asked one of his boyz to reply, to cover his tracks & then it blew up to that.

    Not sure if I helped, but I'm sure he would be `a bit pissed to see this come out like this LOL

    Keep it real girls love ya work!!!

    Sione & Pepe
    Rugby Fobcast
  4. Kristin 11:16 PM, May 01, 2007
    Wow ladies,
    I had never read the NONU e-mails before! This is so sad. He is so beautiful and I never really expected him to be brilliant but DAMN! I hope it’s not him.
  5. Anonymous 11:44 PM, March 25, 2008
    Girls, I'm afraid to say that the e-mails are unequivocally and most definitely from Mr Nonu...
    Some of you will be disappointed, but this is just his style, through and through. Take it or leave it!
    Not everybody is out to win a Nobel Prize for nuclear physics or a Pulitzer for writing genius.
    He is gorgeous and sweet and plays rugby oh so well - do you need anything more?! He's a world class athlete. I'm sure that's more than most people can say.
    As for people saying, 'I never really expected him to be brilliant', how judgemental is that?
    Placing stereotypes on people for their race / job / hair colour / gender etc is the mark of someone who is unintelligent and ignorant themselves!
  6. Anonymous 1:39 PM, November 23, 2008
    This is definitely Ma'a. I saw him for a little while back in 05 and kept in touch by email a little. He writes in text language. A lot of the Kiwi boys do..it's just their style. He's sweet and all the AB's have girls throwing themselves at them. They are men at the end of the day!! x
  7. Anonymous 8:31 AM, April 08, 2009
    Those were seriously some creepy emails you sent. GET THE HINT. You realize that it was the equivalent of you "smart" women going on and on about shit all while men don't listen. Men are only interested in sex because all the shit you spew doesn't interest us in the least bit. I also found it extremely obnoxious you expected him to conduct an interview to a random person through email. You know whats really creepy? When people talk and act like they're close to celebrities when they're nobodies. Find some other below average person and be happy.
  8. Anonymous 2:49 AM, July 28, 2009
    Fan Mail 101: How to freak someone the fuck out.
    You know his mind went like this: Texas-Beyonce. Got your picture. The end. Poor Scux.

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