Instead of my usual recapping of celebrity pseudo-events, I’d like to rant about something entirely different dear reader. The last few comments I’ve received (all from “Bob”) have been quite salty indeed and Ms. GD simply can not sit on her neatly manicured hands any longer! Now let me preface this by saying…Bob…that the following open letter has almost nothing to do with you so don’t go getting your panties in a twist and sending me all sorts of nasty little emails and comments. Okay pookie pants? To paraphrase Carly Simon (translation: misquote), you’re so [lame], I bet you think this post is about you! (Giggle, snicker, guffaw)

Are you ready dear reader? It’s time to play…SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS with your host, GLAMOUR DIVA! [Insert canned cheers, applause, and calls for Ms. GD’s immediate appointment to Queen of the United States]…

My Dear Male Subjects,

Why oh why do you persist in reaching beyond your grasp? And why must you always give women the emotional bitch slap when they try to do the same? What I’m writing about gentlemen is the age old quandary of why men think they are entitled to any woman they desire and why women are repeatedly made to settle for less! Just who the frig do you think you are? I mean really! Read this very carefully gentlemen. Print it out and place it right next to that moldy condom you've been keeping in your wallet because you will certainly need to refer to it on occasion. What you are about to read are the hitherto unspoken and unpublished rules for mating with the female of the species:

1. “To thine own self be true” – Know what you REALLY want. If you only like Asian women then for pity’s sake don’t bother the black/white/Latino ones! If you only like thin women then for the love of Mike, don’t so much as speak to the fat ones! And if you only like young tender chickens then mercy, mercy me leave the geriatric patients the hell alone! We all have an innate sense of what turns us on and what turns us completely the frig off so listen to what your heart and mind is telling you and don’t let “society” tell you any different cause we all know she’s a nosey heifer!

2. “Start with the man in the mirror” – Yes it’s cruel but we all know who the ugly ass people are and they know it too! If you know you’re a troll then embrace your troll-ness (Now when I say troll I mean troll! Not cute, cuddly garden gnome or kindly elf or fuzzy footed Hobbit but T.R.O.L.L.! If you still aren’t sure then keep this handy image in mind…garden gnome=Tony Blair, Troll=Alan Greenspan).

3. “No romance without finance” – If you’ve discovered that you’re a troll then be prepared to spend some money! Even if you find another troll mate you are still gonna have to spend some dough so baby get used to it (Just because your woman is ugly doesn’t mean she can’t do any better than your ugmo butt)! The amount of money you spend will always rise in direct response to how physically unattractive you are so if you can frighten Quasimodo then you better have more cheese than the Sultan of Brunei!

4. “Diversify” – If you can’t beat’em…do something else! Admittedly, not everyone on the planet can be filthy rich or as pretty as Paul Walker (no one is as pretty as Paul Walker!) so if you aren’t one of the previous, here are other things you can do/be:

a) Smart-Not just cleaver but mondo intelligent like Jonas Salk, Nikola Tesla, Blaise Pascal or Charles Babbage. Women (especially Ms. GD) dig smarties!

b) Nice-That’s right guys; it really works! If you have impeccable manners, love your mother, are kind to animals, and don’t talk to women like they just grew a tail then they will dig you. It might take her a while to see past the sparkling blue of Paul Walker’s eyes, or the quadruple threat of Tiki and Ronde Barber’s biceps but yes she will eventually see you and she will be pleased!

c) Casanova Incarnate- Please don’t turn this section into a license to be a cad (See letter b)! Just because you think you could sweet talk the panties off Claire of Assisi doesn’t mean you should. But there is something to be said about the ability to lay pipe and lay it well. The one thing to remember, the one thing that most men forget is that not all women are alike. This means that just because activity “A” made Peggy’s toes curl does not mean that the same activity will make BunKeisha’s toes curl. In fact, it just might piss her off so if I were you I’d ask her first! Now, I suggest you get several sex books (BOOKS! Not porno magazines!), read them, take notes, talk to women openly and honestly about sex (don’t try to screw them! Damn! Just Talk! You know, like you do with your boys and ugly women?), stop masturbating for a while (Just trust me on this one please), and take your time!

5. “No friggin means no!” – If you are unwilling or unable to do any of the previous, then leave us all the hell alone! Please don’t blow up our cell/home phones, buy us gifts, send us shout outs over the radio or stalk us! We don’t want you. Go away and stop begging for a bone like the dirty, flea infested dog you are! How would you feel if an ugly woman kept riding your ass? That’s right! That is precisely how we feel! By George I think he’s got it!

I know this seems harsh and rude as all get out but it has to be said because men lie! You say you want Marie Curie, Naomi Campbell, and Mother Teresa all rolled into one but what you really want is an even more vapid version of Naomi Campbell (Or Amber Valletta or Giselle Bundchen or who the frig ever!) to gap her legs for you whenever YOU want her to and to never speak until she’s spoken to!

Maybe, just maybe, after you’re ancient and you’ve run through most of the women in the Western Hemisphere, you’ll start to think about how you’ve wasted your life on wine, women and song and how now you’d like a true companion and a couple of kids but guess what? The women who fit the description are also ancient with dried up ovaries and the young women with moist, succulent ovaries…let me hear you say it baby…WON’T WANT AN OLD TROLL LIKE YOU! Scary ain’t it?

And now back to your regularly scheduled program …GD