Ladies, does the following scenario sound familiar?
You’re in the line at Starbucks, getting ready to order something low fat with skim milk (when you’re really craving a 590 calorie – yes, baby, I checked - double chocolate chip frappuccino) and you see. . .him.
You know the one I’m talking about. He’s standing over there by the condiment bar, sprinkling a bit of crème in his espresso and he is, as they say en Français, tres chaud, hotter than that coffee he’s drinking and no doubt, just as bold and strong.
The man is practically down on his hands and knees, begging to be objectified and you are just the cat mama to oblige but, just as you are about to, you notice him saying something to one of the Starbucks workers and they share a laugh.
That’s when you realize that, Houston, we got a problem, and it ain’t all them damn Katrina evacuees in our city taking all the damn jobs, empty apartments and WIC cards, okaaay!
Much to your chagrin and bitter disappointment, the guy has what I affectionately like to call, a “yuck-mouth”. To call the man buck-toothed would be charitable. And you don’t even want to go there concerning those gaps between his teeth. He’s got more wide-open spaces than a Nevada whorehouse. In other words, he needs to get his damn teeth fixed!
Instead of buying that over-priced sludge at that ubiquitous coffee house, he should be saving his money for the first installment on some braces, or dental implants, or a bridge or whatever the fudge he’ll need to do in order to wake up from that orthodontic nightmare!
As Marlon Brando would breathlessly whisper, “The horror. . .the horror. . .”
Now, maybe the hot guy you’ve seen didn’t have a train wreck going on in his mouth. Maybe he had beautiful gray eyes, a perfectly dimpled smile with snow white teeth. And then he stood up. . .and you saw that he was 5”2. Which wouldn’t be a problem if you weren’t a six-foot tall glamazon!
Or, maybe he had a whiny, nasally voice that droned on and on, making you feel as though you were having a conversation with Charlie Brown’s teacher.
Or, maybe. . .
Well, I could go on but the point is. . .the guy you had your eyes on had been hot and sushilicious until you discovered the one flaw that made you say, “Never mind. . .that’s okay.” That one flaw that made you think, If only his breath hadn’t stunk like raw sewage he woulda been perfect!
Recently, I saw a good-looking guy at that bookstore where I slave as an indentured servant, and everything was on like a pot of neck bones until he walked past me and I realized that I was taller that him. Not much taller, however, tall enough to never be able to wear a four-inch heel without making him feel like an emasculated gnome. I have never wanted to be the Susan Anton to some vertically challenged bloke’s Dudley Moore.
So, it got galaxyMafia to thinking (which is rarely a prodigious thing). What if we could have our dream man, with all the bells and whistles that we prefer? And what if we were allowed to make this man ourselves from scratch with brand new parts? What if we could go down to our local mall and walk into. . .
Just think about it, while your snarky, skanky little niece and all of her friends (whose boobs are bigger than yours thanks to the phosphate hormones in chickens) head over to Build-A-Bear, you can pop into BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND and create the perfect chap custom made (like a Givenchy couture gown) just for you.
Picture it. . .
Free from the gaggle of 12-year-olds and their high-pitched squeals (that could break the sound barrier) and their proclamations that, “Wentworth Miller is soooooooooooo-cute!”, you step into the BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND WORKSHOP.
Upon entering, you are greeted by a Master Boyfriend Builder associate who will guide you through all the steps of creating your custom made boyfriend.
First, you get to choose what your dream boyfriend will look like!
Should he have blue eyes? Brown eyes? Hazel? Will he be black, Latino, half-Russian/half-Indian? Will he be tall? Pale with rosy cheeks? A little soft around the edges? Dark hair? Bald? Or will he look like a jarhead Marine? Will he have an adorable sheepish demeanor? A smoldering bedroom stare? A thoughtful, yet intense gaze? It’s up to you chica! He’s gonna be your old man! You make the call!
Second, you get to choose everything (and I do mean everything) that your new dream boyfriend will say and you get to choose how his voice will sound (which often is more important than what he says!). Would you like him to cuss like a salty seadog? Want him to have a frothy Scottish burr? Should all of his words be four-syllables or more? Or maybe, you don’t need him to utter a freaking word! If so, you can simply choose the MUTE option! Not sure what you want him to say? Well, BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND has tons of pre-recorded phrases that you can add to your new boyfriend’s vocabulary. Like, “Here, sweetheart, take my American Express Black card and go buy yourself something that I really can’t afford! I won’t be mad at you, I promise!”
Third, you get to choose his personality, his beliefs, attitudes and even his thoughts!! Will he be a witty nonconformist? A compassionate populist? An astrologer with a heart of fool’s gold? A submissive self-effacing jellyfish? A perverted, intelligent geek who nevertheless knows his place? These decisions will be yours to make! He’s your man to create!
After you’ve made your choices, you’ll sit in a chair, close your eyes, get spun around four times and then when you open your eyes, viola! Your dream man, the one you created specifically to meet your every need (even the needs that you don’t really need met) will be standing before you, rose in hand, waiting to fulfill your every desire!
Oh, what were it were true!
Alas. . .this perfect dream man would probably cost more money than you’d ever be able to make even if you did become a high class call girl.
The sad truth is, you couldn’t afford him. . .and even if you could, when you took him home, you would discover that there was something wrong with him, and you’d have to take him back to BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND to make an exchange. . .
Only, there are no refunds or returns in the land of the make-believe custom-made man. When you custom make this bloke, he’s only gonna satisfy you. Your nosey next-door neighbor Peggy and your co-worker LaVerne from Accounting aren’t gonna dig the cut of his jib, if ya know what I mean.
At BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND, all sales are final.
Which brings us to the only thing good about real men, the kind made from sperm and eggs (in or out of the petri dish): If a real guy doesn’t live up to your expectations, you can always exchange him for somebody new and you don’t even have to show a receipt!
2005 - galaxyMafia. . .would like her dream man to look sorta kinda like that guy on "Prison Break". . .no, no, not Wentworth Miller. . .the other one. . .sheesh!!!! She would also like him to give her loose diamonds and to say as little as possible so as not to destroy the mood!