The Nasty Boy Chronicles – 4

Category: , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
Never ever been a forward girl

I just speak my mind

Being honest never felt so good

Or looked so fine

Looking good isn’t everything

And personality won’t make emotions ring

The combination is what love’s about

I’m not in love, but I have no doubt

You look good to me

When you walk

I just lose all my control

You look good to me

And when you talk

I just wanna kiss your big mouth, baby

You Look Good To Me – Cherrelle

I met him out for dinner on a Friday night
He really got me working up an appetite
He had tattoos up and down his arm
There's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm
He's a one-stop shop, makes the panties drop
He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman
A sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman

Candyman – Christina Aguilera

Written earlier today…

I’m sitting at work and I’ve just finished filing my nails. I’m listening to Do I Qualify by Lynden David Hall (RIP) and thinking how fucked up it is that I do “qualify” but no one else seems to! That old saying, if it ain’t one thing it’s another, certainly applies to my life at the moment. Just when I start to get a little perspective on my life and the way I’d like to live it, all these…things…start springing up! Well let’s be honest, it’s really just one BIG thing with a few niggling little things bopping around.

What we’re gonna do now is go back…way back…back into time

For the last few years I’ve been regularly contemplating my existence. My midlife crisis is about four years early, which, according to Mama Diva, makes all the sense in the world as I was “developmentally advanced” as a child. All I can think about is how I’m going to die soon and will have nothing to show for my wasted life. After Mama Diva there will be no one left to care that I ever existed! There is no spouse or children. My siblings and I jump from adoration to estrangement with such alarming frequency that I’m never really sure where I stand with either of them!

I know what you’re thinking Dear Readers. You’re thinking that nothing is written in stone so why keep bitching. Right? Well yes I know, intellectually, that nothing is ever final and life is what you make it but that doesn’t make it any less scary and often times shitty as hell while I’m living it. Case in point:

You don’t keep it thugy like he keep it thugy

So there’s this guy at my job, we’ll call him Thug Life, who I flirt with all the time. I don’t know why but I find him so damned attractive! My friends would say it’s because I’ve always had a thing for thugs, which is true but I think there’s something more. It isn’t all about his looks either. He isn’t much taller than me (I saw his CDL today and he’s 5’ 7”) and he has average looks but he’s very dark which, coincidentally, is just the way I likes it baby! In fact, he is so dark that you have to get within three feet of him to see all the tattoos on his steel girder-like arms. And oh my goodness but his body is stunning…at least what I can see ‘cause he love himself some baggy clothes! Sigh. God I love looking at him! And now that I’ve touched him I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful he’d feel and how wonderful it would feel for him to feel me!

Okay so I guess I need to back up a bit right? Like I wrote we’d been flirting for weeks with nothing really happening until two weeks ago when he seemed to be going out of his way to speak to me. Of course I was delighted I mean, the brother is fine and this is such an 180º from all the goons that typically try to chat me up during the day. So I sense your quizzical stares at your computer screens – What the fuck is the problem Glamour Diva…RUSH THAT SHIT! The problem is this:

a. He’s married with three children.
b. He doesn’t care that he’s married with three children.
c. I know he’s married with three children yet I still want him like my life depended on me having him!

I haven’t had such a visceral response to someone (Lome Fa’atau notwithstanding) like this in years! Is it the pheromones? Is it that he’s just sexy as hell? Is it because I’ve decided to remain celibate until I find the right person for me? Or is it a combination of everything?

Otherwise, you may say in your heart, 'My power and the strength of my hand made me this wealth.' – Deuteronomy 8:17

Earlier this year, during Lent, I made official the promise I’d made to myself by turning over my will to God’s will by giving up sex and making a concerted effort to pray every morning for the lasting love I crave. I know some learned theologian might disagree with me on this but it’s weird that whenever we truly want change and really get down to the brass tacks of making said changes in our lives, it seems God comes along and says, ‘Okay so you say you’re serious and you stand by faith? Well take that! And this! And oh my how about a little of THIS!?!?”

I know my feelings for Thug Life are just a test. A very sensual, dark chocolate dipped test but a test just the same. If I want a boyfriend and eventually a husband (Although the idea of marriage still frightens the hell out of me!) I have to be strong and not fall back into my old patterns. I’m not just referring to the sex, mind you, but to my attitude in general.

Working on this job has been a wonderful exercise is patience, which I sorely lack, and it’s carried over into my relationship with my Mother. I’ve been fighting the entire house cleaning and remodeling thing because I fear change. And while it is still difficult I’m not being a total brat about helping her get things done. Also, I don’t make a lot of money but my bills are getting paid. Is it a miracle? Yes, it’s a miracle that I decided to become more financially responsible because who wants to marry a woman with lots of debt? I find that I’m calmer and more relaxed about many things (except for having the hot pants for Thug Life) in general but there is still this sense of urgency which I don’t quite understand but I guess I’ll just have to continue to pray on that.

I ask myself this question – Is it possible to force yourself to grow up while simultaneously pushing back old age? I’m hoping the answer is yes! It’s taken a while for me to realize it but you can’t invite change into one area of your life without it taking over every other part. And when I asked God to help me I had to be open to accepting that help in whatever form it took. This time it might be a very attractive man who is an example of everything I don’t want in a relationship. And my feelings for him? Maybe the intensity of these feelings is just to remind me of how rare a true and uplifting love is and how much harder I’ll have to work to keep it once I’ve received it? Whatever the meaning I know that any “wealth” I receive will not be gained by my hand alone. That’s what faith and God’s grace are for. – GD

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