Sione's Hair: "I won't survive this!"

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia

The hair follicles of Sione T. Lauaki are nervous.

Upon learning that the big Tongan had been banned for two weeks after being citing by RWC judges for an alleged “dangerous tackle” during the All Blacks vs Romania game, the follicles, which recently have had to suffer the abuse and shame of harsh chemical dyes which have dulled their sheen and stripped their texture of its usual silkiness, could be hear screaming in protest:

“Please don’t ban him! For the love of all that is sacred, holy and 100% Tongan, please!”

An older strand of hair toward the back of Lauaki’s head, which has endured cornrow braids and dredlocks, and who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “The ban will devastate him. His self esteem is already in the toilet. He can barely read, or subtract. All of us strands and curls of hair will bear this tortuous burden!”

The older strand’s sister, who was recently dyed ginger, said, “I had just been able to make peace with being this color! And now this awful news! There is no telling what he’ll do to us. . .I won’t survive this!”

Many of the hair follicles had to be constrained and sedated with hair gel upon learning of the decision to ban Lauaki for two weeks.

Some of the younger follicles (now blonde), towards the front of Lauaki’s head, have vowed to stop Lauaki from doing something disastrous to his hair by any means necessary.

Many have spoke about forming a grassroots coalition to persuade Lauaki to turn to strong drink instead of his local hairdresser.

But the mouth, throat, stomach and liver of Lauaki have banned together to block the hair follicles’ plan, which they view as “selfish” and a “slap in Lauaki’s face”.

“They know he can’t hold his grog,” said the stomach, who promises to force Lauaki to vomit any 80-proof beverage he swallows. “To make him start drinking again is so bleedin’ wrong!”

In addition, the mouth pointed out that making Lauaki drink would affect the hands, which might feel compelled to “hit somebody for no damn good reason” if alcohol were re-introduced into his system.

Sione T. Lauaki’s hands, which once were used to pummel an unsuspected victim into a near-comatose state outside a pub in Hamilton, have vowed not be used for violence again.
“We have learned to control ourselves,” the left hand said, solemnly. “We shall not backslide into patterns of destructive iniquity again.”

Still, the hair follicles say they have it the worse.

“Whenever something bad happens to him, we get it, hard and rough, with no Vaseline,” says a dark brown fat curl that managed to escape being dyed. “It’s gonna be bad if he misses the rest of the World Cup. He may cut us down really low. . .or go bald, get rid of all of us. . .”

copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia will talk more about this on the next WORLD CUP PODCAST but if you want to read the article yourself, be her guest. . . or

2 comments so far.

  1. Debalina 7:17 PM, October 01, 2007
    You are hilarious!!!!! I bet the hair will lose the war and he will dye his hair platinum because of this 2 week banning!! *cries*
  2. rwolock 10:07 PM, October 02, 2007
    OK, clearly he should follow in the footsteps of his mate, Neemia, and shave it all off. This would make him look penitent & serious for his appeal, instead of looking like a damn clown! Oh, Sione, the way you boys f*** it up. :(

    Baby Boss

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