NAME: Jeremy Sumpter

AGE: 16

HEIGHT: 5”11 (. . .which, of course, would NOT be acceptable if he wasn’t still a growing boy)

WEIGHT: 148lbs

WHY SUSHI SHOULD BE EATEN OFF HIM: ‘Cause he’s just soooooo cute. . .he’s such a tutti frutti cutie patootie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Juicy, juicy tender young chickun!!!! Whoo!!! Yee damn haw!!!!

ON WHAT PART OF HIS BODY SHOULD YOU EAT THE SUSHI OFF HIM:
WHERE SHOULD YOU BE WHEN YOU EAT THE SUSHI OFF HIM: Under the bleachers after the Homecoming game. . .or, sitting in the library while studying for the PSAT. . .or, in D-Hall, which you would have been assigned to after violating the school’s no-PDA rule. . .

WHEN SHOULD YOU EAT SUSHI OFF HIM: On report card day when he’s trying to impress you with his 3.5678145627 grade average. . .or, the night before midterms when he’s feverishly trying to cram for a test on “Angry black women on the verge of inciting a revolutionary renaissance by forcing Pedro Amodovar to jump off a cliff after having a nervous breakdown”. . .

HOW SHOULD YOU EAT SUSHI OFF HIM: In the same way that you would approach a complicated calculus problem. . .slowly and haphazardly and WITHOUT a calculator!!!

PROPENSITY FOR VIOLENCE: Young chickuns can be moody and unpredictable. . .all that melodramatic teen angst, of course so, I’d say watch your back and load your Glock.

STALKER QUOTIENT: -9.088. . .or, is that his grade point average. . .?

SHOULD/COULD/WOULD YOU QUIT YOUR JOB FOR HIM: Yeah, you could quit your job for him but, you don’t have the balls to be that lazy. Besides, he’s not making 20 mil per pic yet (if he ever even will, which he probably won’t if he keeps doing those processed cheese Lifetime movies and getting his network shows cancelled) so you probably should keep flipping them damn burgers. Don’t forget to ask ‘em if they want to super size!

IS HE WORTH FIGHTING A BUBBLE-HEADED, SHARPIE PEN SNIFFING, ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH OBSESSED, PARIS HILTON WANNA-BE CHEERLEADER OVER? Bien sur! After all, what the hell did you watch “Fight Club” for if not to pick up some hooks and jabs to be used on Varsity Barbie? Just watch out for all that lip gloss on her mouth. . .might make landing a punch a big sticky. . .or slippery depending on which brand she uses.

IF HE SHOWED UP AT YOUR DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH THE ANSWERS TO THE SAT TEST AND A SOBBING, BLEARY EYED HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL PLAYER HOPPED UP ON CRYSTAL METH, WOULD YOU. . .CALL THE PRINCIPAL? ADMONISH HIM FOR STEALING, RAP HIS KNUCLES WITH A RULER AND TELL HIM TO GO AN STAND IN THE CORNER? SLAM THE DOOR IN HIS FACE? GRAB THE SAT TEST (SO YOU CAN SELL IT TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER ON E-BAY) AND THEN SLAM THE DOOR IN HIS FACE? Normally, I would admonish him for stealing because I want him to grow to be 6”4 inches tall with nice biceps and pecs and. . .er, I mean, I want him to grow up to be an enterprising young man who makes positive contributions to society BUT, if he makes it big, an arrest record would guarantee him a slot on VH1’s countdown of the 100 Best Celebrity Mug Shots!!!!

- kicking ass and taking names
galaxyMafia