Damn.

Only a month into the new year and I’m already feeling the urge to zip some lips! Why, Dear Readers, should I have thought things would be any different? I don’t know either…

This week’s list of people whose lips I’d like to permanently zip are:

Hamas - Shut your yap! You won the election now sit down, close your mouths and open your ears! If Jordan and Egypt are telling you to chill the fuck out then maybe you should listen sweethearts? No one said you had to like "The West". I know Bush is an idiot and Blair is his toady but most of the people in the west don’t agree with any of the shit going down in the Middle East and we really do feel for you. No one said you had to like Israel. All they want is for you to recognize their existence and not kill them! And speaking of killing…you simply must guarantee the world that the terroristic style killing will stop. Don’t think that because the people legitimately elected you that you can’t be ousted. If you asked Saddam Hussein I’m sure he would tell you to - Shut Up!

Brokeback Mountain Lovers – Oh but you do go on! I haven’t seen it and I probably won’t see it for at least a couple of years. Why? I don’t like “cowboy” movies no matter how gay they are but more importantly I just can’t stand the hype! We all know that damn movie is going to win the Oscar so can’t we just stop with all the faux speculation? And yes I know that this is the first big budget, Hollywood movie to deal honestly and openly with the subject of gay love not just gay sex…snore…snore…drool…oh shit did I fall asleep? Seriously people, I am so looking forward to the day when “gayness” fails to whip people in to a frenzy. Until that day I would appreciate it if everyone would just – Shut Up!

And January’s special Shut Up And A Smack Across The Face With A Mackerel Award goes to…

Oprah Winfrey – Hush it up girl! I’ve managed to remain ambivalent about Oprah low these last twenty odd years but then she fucked up and decided to keelhaul author James Frey for lying in his “memoir” A Million Little Pieces. She took that shit personally didn’t she? Oprah baby if you’re reading this calm the fuck down! It’s not like he wrote the damn book just for you! He lied to the whole world…like junkies do! Maybe now you’ll stop stamping your seal of approval on all those books, cars, Egyptian cotton sheets, jeans, potato chips and what not? From one passionate Aquarian to another just let it go. The more you grumble the more you look like BooBoo The Fool…not Mr. Frey. Sweetie, you are one of the richest, most admired and recognizable women on the planet, which means there are millions of people just waiting to take you down several billion pegs. I’ve already heard people talking about how your credibility is "ruined”. We both know this is nothing but schadenfreude but that doesn’t mean me have to help them along now does it? Shut Up!

Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut Up!

Want something to really get hyped about? Watch African American Lives on PBS tonight! Don ’t roll your eyes at me! You might learn something and besides, it’s “African American History Month" which means every liberal to moderate American is contractually liable to view any and all specials on the accomplishments of Peoples of African Decent in the United States. And as always, after you watch it tell me what you think! – GD