You start a conversation you can't even finish it/You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything/When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed/Say something once, why say it again? – “Psycho Killer”, Talking Heads
Well my dear, Dear Readers it has been a while hasn’t it? I wish I could say that the reason I haven’t written anything is because I’ve been so busy but the real truth of the matter is that I’ve had naught to say. That’s right, Ms. GD has had absolutely nothing to get off her substantial chest. I know, I know…you can’t believe such an opinionated, hyper-intelligent bitch could go five minutes without spouting off on something or other but it is so very true. This isn’t to say I haven’t read or seen things that make me want to pull out my soapbox and get to agitating. No it just means that I haven’t felt the need to kvetch about anything…until now. To totally misquote Erykah Badu, I’m a “Lewis Carrol girl in a Dostoevsky world” so something ludicrous and drama drenched was bound to happen! Right? Anyway…on to the verbal smack downs:
This week’s list of people whose lips I’d like to permanently zip are:
Elton John - Shut your yap! I used to like Elton but after he stopped being able to produce a hit and started shoving his grandiose (and poorly reviewed) musicals down our collective throats, well he just become a tiresome bore, a caricature of himself and just a huge pain in the ass! What’s with all the “advice” to anyone and everyone? What’s with all the opinions on everyone’s behavior? Remember Sir Elton, it wasn’t so long ago that you were battling bankruptcy and excuse me but Britain only recently allowed gay marriages so why are you acting like a “Smug Married”? For the love of Pete will you just – Shut Up!
Jenny Shimizu – Zip your pouty lips! Jenny we don’t care okay. Unless you have video of you and Madonna/Angelina doing the lesbian nasty then why bother yapping about it? What are you trying to prove? Besides, both of these women have screwed plenty of men and women so the fact that they both screwed you ain’t really news. Also, both of then left you for and married men (two each) so what does that say about your skills in the bedroom? Yeh that’s what I thought. Domo arigato and – Shut Up!
Nick Lachey – Shut your pie hole! I’ve told him once but I guess it didn’t stick so here it is again. Nick…pumpkin…it’s over. Leave Jess alone and don’t talk to any more celebrity rags. No one feels sorry for you so just face the truth. Jessica is America’s bubble headed sweetheart and you betrayed her which means we were forced to take her side. You might have been able to get her back but you kept talking and talking and talking and Texas girls don’t play that! Now Mama GD is going to tell you what to do next. First, get an appointment with Angelina Jolie’s publicist. If anyone knows how to correct your negative spin it will be him/her. The second thing you need to do is have your people call Timbaland, Wyclef Jean or Jermaine Dupree and beg them to help you with your new CD. No more syrupy love songs for you Nicky baby! You need a full on dose of in yo freakin’ face R&B infused pop! If you do these two things you can begin to rid yourself of that hideous boy band taint. It worked for Justin Timberlake and he can’t sing worth a damn! But in the mean time – Shut Up!
Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut Up!
Well that felt good! Now I’m empty and ready to be filled to the brim with more ignorance. Oh I can’t wait! – GD