Ms. GD readily admits to being confounded my many things (like string theory, the after life, ultra-conservatives and animals with bifurcated or prehensile penises) but one of her major (and many) pet peeves are inexplicable song lyrics. She feels that song lyrics should not require the listener to study for the GRE/LSAT, have a degree in psychology or be so mysterious as to render any reasonable interpretation wholly useless. Having said that, here are a few songs that never fail to perplex and baffle.

Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone by The Temptations (Norman Whitfield)

This song never ceases to put me in a quandary. Every time I hear it I spend the rest of the day rolling the lyrics ‘round my brain, trying to decipher the actions of the characters. The premise of the song is this: A man is reminiscing about the day his father died and the resulting conversation with his mother. I use the word “conversation” lightly though because it is all very one-sided. The man asks his mother to confirm information about his father, most of it pretty horrendous, but “Mama” continually gives only one reply:

Mama just hung her head and said,
"Papa was a rollin’ stone, my son.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."
"Hey, Papa was a rollin’ stone.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."

What? A son asks his mother if his dead father, who he never knew, was truly as bad as everyone says he was and all “Mama” can be bothered to say is, “Papa was a rollin’ stone?” The man is dead…a dead scoundrel…why not answer the questions? What’s the point of all the avoidance? I’d like to think that if I ever had any kids that I would have spent time cultivating the sort of relationship where I’d feel free to answer all my kid’s questions, no matter how distasteful or difficult they might be. The fact the mother doesn’t confirm or deny any of her son’s suspicions makes me think she’s hiding something. Are the accusations all lies? Is she still in love with the deceased? Was the family in the Witness Protection Program?

If I ever meet Mr. Whitfield, that is if he’s still alive, I will have to grab him by the lapels and demand he answer these questions!

If I Can’t Have You by Yvonne Elliman (Bee Gees)

I really do love this song! It’s extremely catchy, great to dance to, Yvonne’s voice is superb, and it just brings back so many wonderful Saturday Night Fever memories. But it is just…so…sad! It really bothers me when women kvetch and moan over men like this! I just want to grab this woman by the lapels and shake her!

If I can't have you

I don't want nobody, baby

If I can't have you... 

If I can't have you

I don't want nobody, baby

If I can't have you...

What in blue blazes is she talking about? She can’t have the man she wants so she’s dooming herself to a life of hopelessness and despair? It is more than evident that a man wrote this song. Only a man would think that a woman would “get thee to a nunnery” and spend the rest of her days pining away for her lost beloved! Give me a freakin’ break! All it takes for a man to get over a woman is another woman. Maybe a little battery acid thrown in the face of the offending women? Murder/suicide is another tactic widely used by “broken hearted” men.

What she needs to do is get thee to a counselor to discuss her co-dependency issues then head to the yoga studio for some stretching and deep breathing exercises. In the immortal words of Parliament Funkadelic, free your ass and your mind will follow!

And while we’re on the subject of ass…

Wait (The Whisper Song) by the Ying Yang Twins

I must admit that I like this joint too. But before you throw the Feminist Bible at me, let me explain! I like the fact that Mr. Ying and Mr. Yang are whispering. People don’t usually whisper through out an entire song and it actually compliments the subject matter, lending it a more seductive tone. If they spoke in normal voices the song would seem even more garish and filthy then it already is…sort of like a Luke song. The second thing I like is the spare beat. It reminds me of Hip Hop’s infancy when all an MC needed was a funky base line or an 808 to get his point across. Honestly, I really can’t help but shake my ass when I hear it. But then there are the lyrics:

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick 

Wait til you see my dick 

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick 

Imma beat dat pussy up 

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick 

Wait you see my dick 

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick 

Imma beat dat pussy up

Where to gotdam begin? The underlying (some would argue blatant) misogyny is what got so many people riled up. But my question is this: Are there really still women out there who respond to this sort of behavior? I mean men can only get away with what we women let them. Men have proven that they can’t be trained or even reasoned with so why are we enabling them by allowing them to speak to us in this manner and then rewarding them with sexual favors?

Mr. Ying and Mr. Yang didn’t just pull these lyrics out of their collective asses. I’m sure there was some sort of hypothesis with a field study, dependent and independent variables, and a double-blind study with a clinical trial. If I write them do you think they’d send me their findings? Maybe they’ve already been published in some scholarly, scientific, Hip Hop journal?

As for me, I think if I were in a club and Mr. Ying or Mr. Yang…or any doofus for that matter, approached me and said, “You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft. Mind if I touch it and see if it’s soft?” I’d slap the ever-loving shit out of him and stomp on his nuts with my three-inch heels for good measure. That shit ain’t right yo! I’m just saying…

Oh well, my favorite Temptations song is Treat Her Like A Lady …the same as a certain hot, New Zealand Rugby player I know… – GD