SIONE LAUAKI. . .SHAPE SHIFTER!!

Category: , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia

In the vein of "ALL BLACKS: THE MUSICAL" and "LOME FA'ATAU - VAMPIRE HUNTER", galaxyMafia is pleased to bring you more fictional foolishness about our favorite ruggers. . .

Sione Lauaki. . .Shape Shifter!

Chapter One

Sione Lauaki, devastating flanker and accidental ladies man, could hardly contain his excitement.

A jittery anticipation shot through his veins as he lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Every time he thought about making the World Cup team (which was an average of every five seconds. . .more than he thought about sex. . .not that he got much sex considering that annoying problem of not being able to find the hole) he had the urge to scream TALOFA! and break out into traditional Tongan dance!

Even now, Sione was nervous and antsy, unable to sleep, feeling as though he was on the verge of having a nervous break down! God! Was it really true?? Was he really going to play for the All Blacks, reppin’ New Zealand, in the 2007 Rugby World Cup??

It seemed too good to be true! When he’d received the news, he could hardly believe it!
It had been like a dream come true! For so long, he’d worked hard, trying to convince those stupid All Black selectors that -

“SIONE LAUAKI!!!” A loud voice boomed, crashing through his bedroom like thunder.
Alarmed, Sione bolted upright in bed, heart slamming, his penis (for some reason) undeniably erect.

What the hell was that. . .?

Eyes darting around his bedroom, he held himself still, listening. . .

What the mothafuck -

Was he hearing shit now? Damn. . .he wouldn’t be surprised. After everything that had happened this week, he could scarcely believe -

“SIONE LAUAKI!!” The loud voice boomed again. . .even louder this time.

Terrified, Sione grabbed the bed covers, pulling them up to his neck.

Oh FUCK!!!!

What the hell was that. . .?

He knew he wasn’t hearing things. . .Someone was calling him. . .

But who. . .?

“Mama. . .?” Sione guessed.

No, no. Mama was in Auckland, making the chop suey he was gonna eat before getting on the plane to France. And besides, Mama didn’t have a loud, booming voice. . .

“Hame. . .?”

No, no. His brother was probably still at the club, trollin’ for poon.

“Siti. . .?”

No, no. Siti didn’t want to room with him no more because he was, according to Siti, “too emotionally high maintenance”. . .whatever that ish meant. . .

So. . .who could be -

“SIONE!! NIGGA, ARE YOU AWAKE??”

“Uh. . .” Confused, Sione looked around the bedroom, trying to determine the location of the voice, not sure he should answer. Was somebody in his bedroom? Was he about to be jacked, or. . .

A horrified thought made his dick go limp. . .

What if some crazy, psycho bitch. . .some twat pissed at him because he still couldn’t find the hole even after she’d drawn him a diagram. . .was trying to sabotage him? Or worse, what if some disgruntled nigga, some player who hadn’t made the NZ World Cup team, like Ma’a or Troy Flavell or Piri “wobble, wobble” Weepu, was planning to break his legs so he could -

“NIGGA, STOP TRIPPIN’!!” The booming, thunderous voice commanded. “AIN’T NOBODY TRYIN TO SABOTAGE YOU!!”

“They’re not. . .?”

“NO. AND HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT SABOTAGE MEANS ANYWAY?”

“Well. . .”

“FORGET IT. LISTEN NIGGA, PEEP DIS,” The booming voice said. ‘MY NAME IS TANGALOA - ”

“Tanga. . .what?”

“TANGALOA!”

“Who are you. . .?”

“BEING THAT YOU CLAIM TO BE 100% TONGAN, YOU OUGHTA KNOW BUT I KNOW THEM BLOODY THEIVIN’ COLONISTS DIDN’T TEACH Y’ALL ‘NESIANS NOTHIN’.”
ANYWAY,” the booming voice continued. “I’M AN ANCIENT TONGAN GOD. . .”

Fear shot through Sione. “Ancient Tongan god. . .?” He whispered.

“NIGGA, DID I STUTTER?”

“W-what do you want?” Sione asked.

“I KNOW IT MIGHT BE DIFFICULT - THAT MEANS ‘HARD’ BY THE WAY - BUT PAY ATTENTION, NIGGA,” the booming voice said. “I AIN’T GOT ALL NIGHT!”

Sione gulped. “O-okay. . .”

“YOU MADE THE ALL BLACKS RUGBY WORLD CUP TEAM, RIGHT?”

“Uh. . .y-yeah. . .”

“DO YOU KNOW WHY?”

“Uh. . .’cause I played really good in the Super 14?”

“THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS. . .”

Confused, Sione asked, “W-what’s the other reason. . .?”

‘THERE’S EVIL ON THE ALL BLACKS’ WORLD CUP TEAM. . .”

Sione’s mouth went dry. “E-evil. . .?”

‘YEAH, NIGGA, EVIL,” the booming voice said. “REALLY BAD SHIT. . .AND IF THE EVIL IS NOT CAST OUT. . .WELL, NEW ZEALAND AIN’T GONE WIN THE WORLD CUP. . .”

“Oh my God!” Sione cried, heart hammering in his chest.

‘YEAH, NIGGA. . .THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT. . .”

“How is the evil gonna get out of the All Blacks. . .?”

"YOU’RE GONNA GET IT OUT. . .”

Sione felt his bowels loosen. “W-what? M-me. . .?”

“YEAH, NIGGA, YOU!”

“But. . .why me? I don’t know nothing’ about getting’ evil out of a rugby organization.”

“SIONE. . .LISTEN, DON’T BE NO PUNK BITCH! MAN UP, NIGGA. . .YOU GOT YO’ ASSIGNMENT. . .GET THE EVIL OUT THE ALL BLACKS. . .BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T. . .”

Sione was afraid to ask but, knew he had to. “If I don’t. . .?”

“THEN THE EVIL MIGHT GET YOU. . .”

Sione screamed. He couldn’t help it.

“NIGGA, GET YOSELF TOGETHER!”

“I’m s-sorry,” Sione sniffed. “But. . .I don’t know. . .”

“DON’T WORRY,” the booming voice said. “I AIN’T GONE LEAVE YOU WITH YO’ ASS HANGIN’OUT. . .I’M GIVIN’ YOU A SPECIAL GIFT. . .SOMETHING TO HELP YOU FIND THE EVIL SO YOU CAN GET RID OF IT. . .”

“A special gift. . .?”

‘I’M MAKING YOU A SHAPE SHIFTER. . .”

Gobsmacked, Sione shook his head. “A shape shifter. . .?”

“YOU’LL BE ABLE TO SHIFT INTO ANY INANIMATE - THAT MEANS NON-LIVING, BY THE WAY - OBJECT,” the booming voice said. “WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU WANT TO SHIFT INTO IS WHAT YOU’LL SHIFT INTO. . .SO YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU THINK. FOR EXAMPLE. . .DON’T THINK ‘SHIT’ OR YOU’LL TURN INTO A TURD. . .”

Sione made a face. “Damn. . .”

“OKAY. . .I GOTTA BOUNCE, SO - ”

“Wait! When will I start shifting into things? What am I supposed to do after I shift into something? How do I shift back to myself?”

“ALL WILL BE REVEALED, NIGGA. . .I’M SENDING SOMEBODY TO HELP YOU SO YOU DON’T SCREW THIS UP. . .”

“W-who. . .?”

“YOU’LL KNOW HER WHEN YOU SEE HER. . .”

“Her. . .?

“YEAH, NIGGA,” the booming voice said. “IT’S A FEMALE. . .CAN YOU HANDLE THAT?”

“Uh, yeah. . .I guess. . .”

“A’IGHT THEN,” the booming voice said. “PEACE OUT, NIGGA. . .”

Trembling, Sione pulled the covers over his head. He was dreaming, he told himself. Or, maybe he’d had too much grog. . .everybody knew he couldn’t handle his grog. . .

Yeah, that was it, he thought as he closed his eyes, drawing his body into the fetal position. He’d had too much grog. . .

And in the morning, Tangaloa and all that shit about evil on the All Blacks team would be a vague nightmare. . .

Copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia will be gone for the next two weeks but will be back bringing you more videos and stupid stories she comes up with while she should be working!!!!
 

4 comments so far.

  1. Anonymous 10:28 AM, August 05, 2007
    Hilarious...hope theres more to come
  2. debalina 6:53 PM, August 06, 2007
    Accidental ladies man - this made me piss myself it is so funny. Keep the stories coming!
  3. bonzaiMoon 9:54 PM, August 16, 2007
    I want to read more!!! This is so funny!
  4. natalina 6:49 AM, August 18, 2007
    LOL, that was a great read!!

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