Jeter, Jeter, (you-know-what!) eater!! This half-and-half lad is no Sultan of Swing, I don't care how many RBIs he's got. You might think you want to make it to first base with him but, trust me, this shortstop will leave you stranded at third. . .and even if you do make it home, you'll never be safe! Knock this fugger outta the park! Take it from me, he has no idea how handle that Lousiville Slugger!!

One, two, three strikes. . .he's OUT!!!!




Name: Derek Jeter:

Even if your life depends on it, don't objectify him because. . .He's the damn reason Mariah Carey writes all those mopey, dopey, drippy baby-please-come-back-to-me-I-can't-live-without-you-or-I'll-die-in-the-street love songs!

OK, listen, we know what you're going to say. . .

But, what if he's cute? No, because. . .despite the fact that People magazine once named him as one of their 50 Most Beautiful People, let's face it. . .light brown paper bag skin and light colored eyes do not a pretty boy make. . .if light skin and light eyes are your thing, take a trip down to Louisiana. . .you'll find plenty of Creoles to alligator wrestle in the bayou with. . .anyway, Jeter's hairline is receding, he's getting crow's feet and he's a Zebra (half black/half white) so who know what the fudge your damn kids would look like!

What if he's rich? No because. . .even though Jeter has a 100-million dollar contract, it's probably payed out over 52 years and do you really want to spend that much time with this self-aggrandizing meglomanic? And by the way, don't let that charitable foundation fool you. Sure, he helps kids but the idea was inspired by Dave Winfield, one of Jeter's childhood idols and the man who gave Robin Givens' mom herpes. . .Hmm. . .somehow I'm not surprised that he picked a sex-crazed, diseased slugger to model himself after. . .

What if he has a cure for cancer? No because. . .he and his friends Jason Giambi (who just got kicked to the edge of the driveway by Nike) and Alex Rodriguez would rape and bastardize it by using it as a steroid to drive up their slugging averages.

What if he gives me loose diamonds/an island in Fiji/51% ownership in the football team he owns? Still, you can't ojectify him because. . .he's the kind of snot-rag who's ask for the diamonds back (because he'd keep the receipt). . .he's the kind of slut-puppy who'd do all the native girls before he kicked them off the island. . .but, as far as the football team goes, take the 51% then Call-Block his number. . .

Bottom line is, with him as a table, sushi would taste like. . .his jock strap after the 2001 World Series.

Don't take me out to his ballgame!