TASTY MONDAY (On Tuesday) Part 2
Fabulous Freddie
TASTY MONDAY...or Why the Swiss are so Sweet!
NAME: Karl Fredrik “Freddie” Ljungberg
AGE: 28
HEIGHT: 176cm / 5'9"
WEIGHT: 75kg / 165 lbs
WHY SUSHI SHOULD BE EATEN OFF HIM: Heavens to Betsy are you blind, daft, or both? Just look at him!
ON WHAT PART OF HIS BODY SHOULD YOU EAT THE SUSHI OFF HIM: From just below his collar bone to the very edge of the waistband of his Calvin Klein underwear.
WHERE SHOULD YOU BE WHEN YOU EAT THE SUSHI OFF HIM: Dead center of the football pitch (soccer field) with 100,000 screaming Arsenal fans and ESPN cheering the both of you on!
WHEN SHOULD YOU EAT SUSHI OFF HIM: Either before of after he’s done playing…too salty otherwise. Also, the grass from the field might get stuck in your teeth.
HOW SHOULD YOU EAT SUSHI OFF HIM: Really now ladies, what the hell else do you have to do? Wash your hair? Walk the dog? Change the air filter in your mother’s iron lung? PUH-LEEEEZE!
PROPENSITY FOR VIOLENCE: Very low. Metrosexuals like our dear Freddie abhor violence (too much wear and tear on the expensive designer clothes), that is unless their salon has run out of their favorite facial moisturizer then it’s, as my Grandmother used to say, “Hell pay the Captain”!
STALKER QUOTIENT: -3.25 (increases exponentially if you use his razor or wear his favorite Armani shirt to work without asking first)
SHOULD/COULD/WOULD YOU QUIT YOUR JOB FOR HIM: You could certainly leave your job for him! He’s paid millions of pounds to run up and down a field kicking a little black and white ball and has tons of endorsements in Great Britain as well as his home country of Sweden. And if you play your cards right you could meet Victoria and David Beckham! Okay…maybe that’s not much of an enticement…
IS HE WORTH FIGHTING A BAND OF MARAUDING, NUNCHAKUS BRANDISHING REPUBLICANS LEAD BY THE VATICAN’S FULL SYNOD OF BISHOPS ON HORSEBACK WIELDING SOLID GOLD COPIES OF CANON LAW SHARPENED TO REALLY SCARY POINTS? Probably not but I’d make sure I'd licked him clean, packed my bag for Fiji and left for the airport before that unholy hoard got to my door!
IF HE SHOWED UP AT YOUR DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A BAG FULL OF STOLEN BEARER BONDS AND A TEFLON COATED 9MM SLUG IN HIS CHEST, WOULD YOU. . .CALL THE COPS? DIG THE BULLET OUT? SLAM THE DOOR IN HIS FACE? GRAB THE BEARER BONDS AND THEN SLAM THE DOOR IN HIS FACE? OTHER? Again, are you freakin' kidding me? I’d grab the bonds then slam the door in his face! But while I was on my way to the airport to catch that flight to Fiji I’d call 911 to report his beautiful yet bleeding body to the authorities. Then I’d throw the phone out the limo window. The last thing I need is Interpol asking me questions while I’m trying to sun myself by the lovely sapphire like ocean in Fiji for the love of Mike!
WOULD YOU HELP HIM LAUNDER SOUTH AFRICAN KUGGERANDS? Um…let me think…HELL YES! Then I’d set him up to take the fall for the whole thing…just before I pack my bags for Fiji and head out for the airport with my 21st century pirate booty safely tucked away in a Swiss bank account. Besides, just think of all the pretty, pretty boys I could buy with all that pretty, pretty gold!
My southern region is all a-tingle just thinking about it! - GD
