Well my Dear Readers things are looking up for Ms. GD! It makes perfect sense that the closer I get to graduation (and finally making something of my pitiful life) the closer this world gets to imploding! Just when I thought I’d finally grab that brass ring and prove Daddy Diva wrong (I AM worthy of your love and respect! Really I am!), it all turned to shit right in the palms of my neatly manicured hands! Don’t believe me? Well what about World War III brewing in the Middle East, another damn tsunami washing people out to sea in Asia (Damn you North Korea with your damn missiles!) and if that weren’t enough we have Bryan Singer and his piss poor, sham of a movie. I mean really! If you can’t count on Superman to wash your blues away during times of strife then who can you count on? Land sakes alive!

And On The Third Day He Rose Again…To Wreck Havoc On A Unsuspecting Populace

Mr. Enron, Ken Lay, was laid to rest recently but I don’t believe it for a minute! Now I’m usually not the conspiracy theory type but his “dying” seemed way too convenient even for me. So to take a page out of galaxyMafia’s book I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Mr. Lay did not die because he was never really alive in the first place, at least not in the traditional sense. You see the being we grew to know as “Ken Lay” was in fact a very advanced piece of cybernetics. That’s right, I said CYBORG! Now there was once a real man named Ken Lay but he died several years ago. The CIA, along with the KGB, MI5 and MI6 and Industrial Light and Magic (Darth Vader…Ken Lay…get the connection?) used his remains to create a cloned version of the deceased and fused that cloned body with all sorts of neato computer junk. What was the reason behind all this you ask? You mean other than continued World Domination? Well that’s very simple Dear Readers! The reason for all this chicanery is… [cough] …Hold on a sec… [cough] …my allergies have been acting up lately… [hack] …wait I think I need some waterhgdghd;’[nhyh…

Well If A B-List TV Actress Says So Then It Must Be True!

I wasn’t going to say anything about “Tom Tom The Piper’s Son” Cruise, Katie (I refuse to call her ‘Kate’ because he says so!) Holmes and their invisible baby Suri Cruise but then I read that Leah Remini of The King of Queens fame made a point of telling the tabs that she had personally seen Little Miss Suri and that she indeed existed. She even went so far as to say that she, Suri, was a beauteous mix of Mother and Sperm Donor…er, I mean Tom. Right. And we should believe her because? And isn’t she a Scientologist too? Oh good heavens Tommy Boy just show us the baby already and stop with all the stealth! And Katie…dear Katie…come back home now darling, all is forgiven! Oh snap! It’s all making sense now! The Ken Lay Cyborg was just a test! Suri Cruise is the World Domination Cyborg 2.0! Well I’ll be hornswaggled! I cracked it! I cracked it! I cracetw645=0sgfs;okklps’tnhea,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

G8 Dreams And Stranger Things

I have such a headache Dear Readers! These sinus caplets are killer you know? But I continue undaunted in my quest to finish this blog entry! So people are up in arms about Dubbya’s off the cuff comments to Tony Blair during the recent G8 Summit in Saint Petersburg, Russia? Well I am here to tell you that what you heard isn’t really what they said. I know you’ve read the transcripts but I am telling you Dear Readers it was all a lie! I have in my possession the real and actual footage of their little chat as well as the fully transcribed text. Like to hear it here it go:

George Bush: Yo Tony Tone! What it do ni**a?
Tony Blair: Pip pip there old chap! God save the Queen and raaathuuur!
GD: Man these ho’s is ‘bout to get on my last presidential nerve, knowwhatumsayin’?
TB: Absobloodylutely mate! Chim chim cher-ee!
GB: True dat Tone! But like I was sayin’, Putin ‘bout to feel my muthafuckin size 11’s straight up his ass if he don’t stop trippin’. [laughs] Putin. What the hell kinda name is that for a ni**a? Shit, ni**ga do always look like he smelling somethin’ funky don’t he? [Imitates scratching sound] Putin…poot…poot Putin! [laughs] He fuckin’ smell like a big ol’ Russian poot! Don’t he Tone?
TB: [Laughs] Good show old chap! Raaathuuur! [Laughs]
GB: So what the muthafuck is goin’ down in Leb-a-damn-non mane? Them ho’s is trying they best to start World War Muthafuckin 3! Bitches must be fuckin’ crazy if they think I’m fallin’ fo tha banana in the tail pipe again. Shit! See I’m ah call Syria’s ass and all dem otha ho’s so they can handle up on this shit!
TB: Bangers and mash! Shepherd’s Pie! Toad in the hole!
GB: Hey fo sho Tone! Like you said the otha day, these bitches keep fuckin’ our shit up we gone have to call our boys. I’m ah get my ni**as from that bloody nickle , you get yo football hooligans and some them crazy muthafuckahs from the East End! It’s ride or die ni**a, RIDE OR DIE!
TB: Right-O! Those chaps are all mouth and trousers!
GB: Feel me Tone! But hey I gots to be heading back to da crib. My old lady be blowin’ up a ni**a’s cell phone, knowwhatumsayin’? Why don’t you stop by Air Force One for a minute? I got a couple Ukrainian ho’s, some Cristal and some good blow.
TB: Raaathuuur old man! But the missus will go spare if I come home cabbaged!
GB: Aight then fool, I’m a hit you up on the two-way when I get back to D.C. Peace ni**a! [pounds and hugs]

END VIDEO

It sucks to be sick Dear Readers. Peace, Love and Sooooul! - GD


Cartoon and photos found here , here and here respectively.