ACT TWO
Scene One
Auckland, New Zealand. After a long, 24-hour flight (during which Glamour Diva was heavily sedated) to the bottom of the world, Glamour Diva and Galaxy Mafia arrive in Kiwi Land.

GLAMOUR DIVA/GALAXY MAFIA
[Stepping off the plane, strutting fiercely across the tarmac towards a black Rolls Royce, sent by the Prime Minister of NZ to fetch them]

“Bootylicious” by Destiny’s Child

Wellington – can you handle this?
Waikato – Can you handle this?
Cantebury – Can you handle this?
We don’t think they can handle this!!
Wooooooooooo!!!


ACT TWO
Scene Two

After spending the day brainstorming ideas on how to recruit African-Americans to NZ, GD returns to hotel suite to get ready for the party, which is being thrown for she and GM by the Prime Minister.

GALAXY MAFIA
So, did you and the PM come up with anything?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[rolls her eyes]
He wants to open chicken and waffle houses, and watermelon stands.

GALAXY MAFIA
Well. . .black folk like chickens. And watermelon.

GLAMOUR DIVA
We also like opera, the symphony and museums

GALAXY MAFIA
Did you suggest those things?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Yeah but, he wasn’t too keen on the opera idea. He wants Tyler Perry to come and create a Maori gospel stage play starring Hosea Gear and Keisha Castle-Hughes .

GALAXY MAFIA
[Aghast and agog]
Maori gospel stage play?

GLAMOUR DIVA
“Mama, I want to do the Haka!”. Keisha plays a young Maori girl who wants to play for the All Blacks.

GALAXY MAFIA
Speaking of the All Blacks. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
[sighs]
Do we have to?

GALAXY MAFIA
You know the PM invited them to the party, right?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Don’t remind me.

GALAXY MAFIA
What’s wrong with you? Ain’t that why we traveled to the bottom of the world? So you could have some of that tasty Nonu?

GLAMOUR DIVA
He’s too young. . .

GALAXY MAFIA
That means he’s tender and juicy

GLAMOUR DIVA
I don’t know. . .what if he’s just a bunch of hype? I mean, I know he’s got the stamina...

GALAXY MAFIA
And he could definitely hold you up if y’all had sex in the ocean...

GLAMOUR DIVA
He might not have any skills.

GALAXY MAFIA
Guess you’ll just have to see...

GALAXY MAFIA goes into the bathroom, leaving GLAMOUR DIVA alone to ponder the question of whether or not she should ride the Nonu Express.

ACT TWO
Scene Three

THE GREEK CHORUS OF ONE: MISS SAKAMOTO
“Stupid Girls” by P!nk

Where oh where, have the smart girls gone?
Where oh where could they be?
They don’t need to be no stupid girls!

ACT TWO
Scene Four

Gala celebration at the Prime Minister’s mansion honoring GLAMOUR DIVA. All of posh and socially well-connected New Zealand is on hand at the black tie event. The entire All Black team is present as well, so fresh and so clean in their All Black tailor made suits. GLAMOUR DIVA wears Dior while GALAXY MAFIA rocks vintage Chanel. Both women have chosen super-hot shoe designer Christian Louboutin for their ruthlessly pedicured feet.

As GLAMOUR DIVA makes the rounds on the arm of the PM, being introduced to the haute monde and jet set, she notices that MA’A NONU seems to be watching every move she makes, caressing her with those smoldering dark eyes, giving her a hint of exciting things to come. Naturally, GLAMOUR DIVA does her best to ignore him however she finds herself a-flutter and a-twitter.

NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER
Is everything okay?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Uh, yes. . .yes. . .everything is fine

NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER
I have a special treat on the menu I’m sure you’ll love!

GLAMOUR DIVA
Cherries Jubilee. . .?

NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER
Pig’s feet!

GLAMOUR DIVA
Aww. . .you shouldn’t have. . .

While drinking champagne alone at the bar, GALAXY MAFIA overhears two All Black players talking.

ALL BLACK #1
Did you hear what happened to Wax?

ALL BLACK #2
No, what happened to him?

ALL BLACK #1
Well, this event is for current All Blacks, and he ain’t on the team no more. But he tried to get in anyway.

ALL BLACK #2
Dumb islander. Can’t handle his grog.

ALL BLACK #1
Anyway, the security guards hauled him out of here

ALL BLACK #2
Stupid islander. Why’d he try to get in anyway?

ALL BLACK #1
[laughs]
He thought he could meet Galaxy Mafia!!

Flabbergasted, GALAXY MAFIA sputters, coughs and spits a mouthful of champagne all over the bar, much to the disgust and frustration of the bartender.

An hour or so later, dinner is over and a DJ, dispatched from Compton, California, is spinning records while everyone cuts a fine rug.

Standing on the edge of the dance floor, MA’A NONU stands with friends and fellow All Blacks, MILS MULIAINA, SHANNON PAKU, MOSE TUIALI’I, PIRI WEEPU, JERRY COLLINS AND RICO GEAR. TANA UMAGA, while not an All Black, is there as well, in his capacity as sports dignitary . MA’A and his crew are watching GLAMOUR DIVA as she dances with the PRIME MINISTER.

MILS MULIAINA
Glamour Diva, she’s one hell of a –

MA’A NONU
Back off, nigga. That ass is mine. You can have her when I’m finished.

MOSE TUIALI’I
[disgusted, to MA’A]
Glamour Diva is not the kind of woman you pass from man to man

MA’A NONU
[to MOSE]
Nigga, ain’t you suppose to be at a prayer meeting tonight?

TANA UMAGA
Lil T, I think Moss is right. You need to watch your step around Glamour Diva

PIRI WEEPU
You can’t treat Glamour Diva like one of your regular hos.

SHANNON PAKU
You gotta treat her like a lady. . .

“Treat her like a lady” by The Temptations

Light her cigarette when she smokes
Even help her with her coat
Treat her like a lady

MA’A NONU
Y’all niggaz want to brown nose bitches. But, I’ll tell her like this: Bitch, you without me is like the All Blacks without Jonah Lomu. . .you’ll never win the World Cup.

MOSE TUIALI’I
You really should watch your language. Glamour Diva is a fine, young woman and she does not deserve to be maligned by –

MA’A NONU
[to MOSE]
Nigga, ain’t you got to go home and read the Bible?

SHANNON PAKU
Listen, I agree. . .Glamour Diva deserves more than your blatant objectification.

MA'A NONU
Nigga, spell objectification. Define it. Use it in a sentence. . .

TANA UMAGA
Slow yo roll, Lil T. . .he just used it in a sentence.

SHANNON PAKU
[stuttering]
Uh. . .O. . .B. . .G. . .?

MA'A NONU
Nigga, get yo Temptations listenin’ ass away from me. I don’t care what none of yall niggas say. Lil T gone tap that azz.

Out on the dance floor, GLAMOUR DIVA is looking for somebody, anybody to get her away from the PRIME MINISTER.

PRIME MINISTER
“Pfunk” by George Clinton

Make my funk the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut (make mine the P)
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up. (wants to get funked up)
I want the bomb, I want the P.Funk (yeah)
I want my funk uncut. (make mine the P)
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Uh. . .I’ll be right back, I need to go to the ladies room

While the PRIME MINISTER leads the guests in a round of the “Harlem Shuffle”, GLAMOUR DIVA hurries over to the bar for a moment alone. After asking for a Amaretto Sour, the bartender brings her drink along with a Blackberry phone.

GLAMOUR DIVA
[looks at the phone, confused]
What’s this for?

BARTENDER
You have a call.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Hello. . .?

VOICE ON THE PHONE
Turn around

GLAMOUR DIVA
Who is this?
[reluctantly, she turns]

MA’A NONU is across the room, holding a companion phone to his ear, staring at her.

GLAMOUR DIVA
What do you want, Mr. Nonu?

MA’A MONU
“I wanna sex you up” by Color Me Badd

Hey, beautiful lady, I need you tonight
Lovely, lovely lady
I wanna make you feel all right, yeah
I cant deny, baby
I wanna love you down
You are so fine, baby
All I wanna do is(I wanna sex you up)
I want to sex you up
All night (girl you make me feel good)
I wanna sex you up.

GLAMOUR DIVA
[rolls her eyes, hangs up the phone]

Outside the mansion, SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI is facing off against a half dozen security officers.

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
“Never Scared” by Bone Crusher

So I'm outside of da house and you think I'm a puuuuuuuunk
So I go to my loaded tech 9 that's off in the truuuuuuuunk
I told yall muthafuckas
I ain't never scared (Wellington!)
I ain't never scared (Cantebury!)
I ain't never scared (Bay of Plenty!)
I ain't never scared (Auckland!)
I ain't never scared (Manawatu!)
I ain't never scared (Southland!)
I ain't never scared (Taranaki!)

Let a choppa go PLOOOOOOWWW! to yo melon
Now the plasma is oozin outta yo cerebellum
AttenSHUNNNNN! Fuck nigga, now you swellin
You ain't talkin hardcore, now is ya? Lil' bitch!
Got'em runnin scared of a... BIGGA NIGGA!
Cuz I put the heat to his ummm... HILFIGER!
Now on dat drank and on some of dat dank
Pistols gettin bursted now I need somethin to drank!!!!!!!!!!

SECURITY GUARD #1
[terrified, picks up walkie-talkie]
Uh. . .chief. . .we’re gonna need some serious back up. . .

Standing in the shadows, after having watched the entire scene, GALAXY MAFIA shakes her head, feeling sorry for the huge, misunderstood islander.


ACT TWO
Scene Five

Minutes after hanging up on MA’A NONU, GLAMOUR DIVA regrets her hasty action. She ponders her situation, thinking about all the foolishness WENTWORTH MILLER put her through, cheating on her with GABRIELLE UNION. Why, she wonders, shouldn’t she have some of that juicy, tender NONU as GALAXY MAFIA suggested? GLAMOUR DIVA picks up the Blackberry and dials the number NONU called her from.

Seconds later, NONU answers the phone.

MA’A NONU
Yeah. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
“Say Somethin’” by Mariah Carey featuring Snoop Dogg

I'm over here
Looking at you
You're over there
Watching me, too
Both painting pictures of
Of how we'll kiss and f***!
So what we gon' do?
(So what ya gon' do? What ya gon' do?)

Tell me why we're standing here
The moment's fresh and so sincere
You've got my mind blown
And baby, I'm ready to go

But uh
If it's worth your while
Say something, say something
If it's worth your while
Say something good to me
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey
If it's worth your while
Do something good to me

THE GREEK CHORUS OF ONE: MISS SAKAMOTO
“Mr. Wrong” by Sade

He don't care
where he's been playing
he doesn't hear
a word she's saying
she's a fancy girl
so why's she staying
hanging on for
Mr. Wrong

copyright 2006. . .galaxyMafia