What's eating Sione Lauaki??

Category: , , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
Oh Sione.
I remember the very first time I laid eyes on you. It was some time back in May or June of 2006, back when I barely knew what rugby was and could scarcely care. Before the days of nerve-wrecking, 13-hour downloads from MediaZone, before obsessively checking the All Blacks website 2, 4, 6 times a day and before my bizarre dreams about Jerry “the Hitman” Collins, there was only Ms. GD, giggling about good-looking rugby players as I shrugged an apathetic shoulder. After all, I was too busy digging on Adam Rodriguez, not much in the mood for an All Blacks video featuring some hamo named Mose Tuiali’i playing EA’s Rugby 2006.

At least, I wasn’t in the mood until I saw the big, beefy, super-fortified Brahma bull competing against Mose. Who, I thought, the feck is he? Now, don’t get me twisted in a Windsor knot. Fer sure, I thought Mr. Tuiali’i was hot-to-death with his smoldering Samoan stares. But, the guy next to him was cast in the mold I prefer with those massive biceps and that (oh, be still my heart) thick neck!

After putting Ms. GD on the case, she was kind enough to uncover the gent’s name:

Sione Lauaki.

And thus, an obsessive crush complete with PG-13 rated fantasies (‘cause galaxyMafia doesn’t see the point in fantasing but that’s another post she probably won’t get around to writing) and long nights scrutinizing the Internet for any info and/or photos of the full-blooded Tongan was born.
Alas, the yen for Sione began to plummet.
Why, you inquire, did galaxyMafia’s lust began to die out, like a brown dwarf (and if ya paid attention in Astronomy class, you’ll smell what I’m cooking, yo)?
Was it due to some aberration in the planetary alignment?
Was it an odd yet subtle disturbance in the House of Representatives?
Or. . .was it rapid, acute gastrointestinal distress?
And, let’s see. No!

If you please, allow galaxyMafia to digress.
Rugby players, as Ms. GD and galaxyMafia have learned (the hard way) love to get they hair did, especially for a big game or at the start of a new rugby season or (and this is important so pay attention) because they are sad, lonely, depressed, feeling sorry for themselves, not getting enough hugs, yearning for their mother’s teat, not scoring enough tries, worried about whether they’ll have to have sex with Graham Henry in order to make the All Blacks team, pissed off at some girl who didn’t want to put up with their shit, mad at the world, mad at themselves, unable to pay their light bills, raised by wolves which prohibits them from responding to correspondence and the list goes on and on. . .and on. . .til the break of dawn. Sorry.

Anyway, Sione is no exception. You see, it was Sione’s damnable insistence on altering his hairstyle that cooled galaxyMafia’s ardor. No, an amendment is called for. . .it was Sione’s insistence on screwing up his beautiful, natural, God-given curls that drove galaxyMafia to that fat, dark tighthead/loosehead prop, Neemia Tialata.
Beyond FUBAR

Upon finding out who Sione was, galaxyMafia was chagrined to realize the All Blacks video featuring Mose and Sione was a year old and Sione hardly resembled the guy she toppled off the side of the bed for. Current photos were obtained and she found Sione looking like some poor, weird version of Ma’a Nonu, his fat locks twisted into inexplicable dreds!! And dyed some unfathomable color on the tips!!!

Imagine galaxyMafia’s horror! What on Earth had Sione done? She didn’t know but galaxyMafia had a feeling she knew the reason behind the drastic change – good ole fashioned depression, the kind that curls men like Sione into the fetal position as they sob vehemently into their pillows.

Here’s the thing – whenever the serotonin levels plummet, the hair follicles bear the cruel brunt. Sione, in the past, had been persona non grata in Auckland, while playing for the Blues. Just when he though things were going his way, he suffered a possible career ending injury which knocked him out of the Chiefs lineup. Add to that the break-up of his special friendship with Fijian Sitiveni Sivivatu, and it’s no wonder Sione took it all out on his hair.

But Sione recovered, and looked in fine form as he helped his Waikato teammates rack up points in the Air New Zealand Cup. However, something terrible must have shook Sione’s slightly cracked foundation because by the Finals, Sione had dyed his hair blonde!!!

Granted, the shimmering wheat color did match his skin tone so apparently he’d employed a pro colorist and didn’t pull a Jerry Collins, doing it himself with a Miss Clairol rinse in some ho’s kitchen sink.

Still, it was disconcerting when galaxyMafia downloaded the Air New Zealand Cup finals only to see Lauaki with his hair braided in cornrows, looking like Tonga’s answer to Allen Iverson. However, Sione did give her pause – she stopped long enough to wonder if she was making a mistake wasting her sighs on that fat, dark prop Tialata.

Nevertheless, galaxyMafia soldiered on, and Sione must have had yet another breakdown, this one prompted by Graham “the puppet master” Henry proclaiming on New Zealand television that Sione wasn’t good enough to be an All Black for the Fall 2006 tests!!

The result was a photo on the Chiefs website of Sione with his blonde hair cut short, sticking out in haphazard tuffs in every direction, as though he’s just survived a mild electrocution.

GalaxyMafia was disheartened (because she really wanted to drop the fat, dark prop Tialata) but she figured it couldn’t get any worse.

Boy, was she ever wrong.

A few days ago, Ms. GD sent galaxyMafia of what Sione Lauaki currently looks like. Words can’t describe it. It is just that strange and macabre. GalaxyMafia can only image what internal horrors and quiet desperation led Sione to this calamitous decision.

Maybe one day, Sione will finally find what makes him happy, something that he can cherish and look forward to, something that won’t make him fcuk up his hair yet again but, she ain’t holding out much hope.

Sione. . .for now. . .until the next bout of seething depression
copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia

1 comment so far.

  1. Debalina 6:17 AM, January 26, 2007
    I.love.you. Thinking the exact same things as me. I still would like to know why all samoan rugby players need dreds. They just look so bad because they don't have the proper hair for it. And the blond streaks everywhere? Ack!! Anyways, I don't know what Sione's deal is. He has the best curls I have ever seen in my life. Is he going to have to wear a bag on his head like Jerry Collins. You know what? Jerry has better hair than Sione. There. I said it.

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