T(ialata)-2: Rise of the Schwalger

Category: , , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia

Most rookie All-Blacks, after scoring a try in their debut test match in front of a ten thousand plus home crowd, might want to celebrate with say, a beer and a hooker. Or, if they take themselves seriously, a bottle of Cristal and a high-class Asian escort (hey, it worked for Neil Bush!).

Not our loveable little pork pie (affectionately dubbed “fat fuck” by Ms. Glamour Diva) Schwalger. No, John-John would rather swing by KFC for a bucket of chicken!

And galaxyMafia says tha n!gga deserves it. During the test against Canada, Schwalger apparently showed his a$$ all up in Jade Stadium (or wherever the hell they were playing), galumphing over the try line after a pass from Luke MacAlister (or whoever the hell tossed his a$$ the ball).

Schwalger, when interviewed, decided to take the “Aw shucks, ma’am” approach (which is only slightly better than the “dumb luck” stance our Sexy Sione took when understating his kick which lead to Siti’s try during the Chiefs vs Crusaders match). Schwalger claimed his try was merely a matter of “being in the right place really.” Additionally, he professed to almost turning into a candy ass punk bitch during the New Zealand national anthem, saying, “I felt a tear coming down. . .”

All this is well and good for Mr. Schwalger, and galaxyMafia will send him some KFC coupons but, it makes her wonder. . .

What of Mr. Tialata. . .?

Schwalger, a “loosehead specialist” (I know, WTF, right?), can also play both sides of the scrum, just like Ney (or Neh. . .whatever), and after scoring a try his first time out, you gotta know that Ted is thanking whatever unholy force he partnered with in order to take control of the NZRU.

Not only is Schwalger young and talented BUT (and this is a big but) he doesn’t (as of yet, anyway) have that annoying calf problem that so plagues Ney. Now, don’t get it twisted, Ney’s world class. . .France wouldn’t have been trying to woo his ass if he wasn’t but, every time he drops down on the pitch, grimacing, clutching his calf, Ted is no doubt somewhere throwing his hands up, wondering if it’s gonna be Somerville all over again.

Schwalger is no doubt enjoying his “It Boy” status with Ted, and it looks as though he’s hell bent on wearing the black jersey again. He’s even given up KFC (for now, anyway) in order to stay fit like the All Blacks demanded, and all the “grass” he’s been eating has worked – he played the full 80 minutes without running out of steam. . .a problem that Mr. Tialata has had in the past. Not only that but the scrum coaches are giving John-John special attention, telling him where to play his feet and whatnot.

Mr. Tialata may be wondering if he should have taken France up on their offer. He claims he re-signed with NZRU because he’s got “unfinished business” in Wellington, whatever the hell that means but it may be Schwalger who finishes what Tialata started.

After Carl Hayman leaves, Tialata may find that he’s not the automatic starting prop replacement.

copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia thinks Mr. Tialata (in the photo above) forgot his ProActiv! And what's with the scar on his cheek? Too much rucking, perhaps?????

3 comments so far.

  1. Anonymous 8:00 PM, June 17, 2007
    HA HA i adore the part on Ted throwing his hands up
  2. bonzaiMoon 9:34 PM, June 17, 2007
    Looks like NZRU wasn't crying for Neemia Argentina! Schwalger had them singing bon voyage to Tialata only to find that he chose to turn down the lush France job. Wonder how this monkey wrench is going to play out. Maybe the calf injury is more serious than anyone thinks...
  3. debalina 11:09 PM, June 17, 2007
    Schwalger is not hot. What type of name is that? Is he Samoan? Is Jerry Collins Samoan? That name doesn't sound samoan. What do I know anyways?

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