The Perils of Objectification
The Problem. . .
So, you see a good-looking guy in the dry cleaners/library/grocery store/post office/county lock-up and you’re wondering, should you objectify him? You hem and haw, internalize and analyze and by the time you decide that, okay, you just might do it, he’s already gone. That is a common problem women face. Alas, you are not alone.
The Pitfall. . .
Women were told, as little girls, that it was not nice to stare. We were trained to even exhibit body language that could preclude us from gawking openly at good-looking men (i.e., we keep our heads down and look up through our lashes which, if they are long, impede or obstruct our view). Remember how you used to hide behind your mother’s skirt, shyly taking a quick glance. Little girls are taught to peek, to hold our hands up over our eyes and peer between the spaces of our index and middle fingers. We are encouraged to look away.
The Plot hole. . .
Psychologists and feminists and talk show hosts would have you believe that objectifying a man is a waste of time, or detrimental to your self-esteem and self-worth or some other such tomfoolery but don’t let ‘em shanghai you! Objectifying men is quick, easy and painless. You can do it on your lunch hour, on the elevator in between floors, on the drive home during rush hour traffic, in a business meeting, even on a date. . .especially on a date as it is never a good idea to give a man too much of your attention – he won’t be able to handle it (but that’s another post altogether). Objectifying a man can take five seconds or five minutes and trust me, it won’t damage your psyche. As galaxyMafia always says, “It is a far better thing to gawk at a man than talk to him lest you risk your damn sanity.”
Do’s and Don’ts of objectification
DON’T think of the man as a human being. This is a common problem most women face. We can’t just look at the man and think, he’s cute! No, we have to start wondering what he does for a living, and what his hobbies are and where he lives and yadda, yadda, yadda. DON’T do this. Inevitably, it will only end in disillusionment when you learn that he’s a disenfranchised cable repairman thinking about getting a degree from ITT Tech, that he likes to play paint ball and stage farting contests with his frat brothers on the weekends and that he lives with his cousin (and his bed is that piss-stained mattress in the corner of the living room that he found out by the Dumpster at the last apartment complex he lived in until he broke his lease).
DON’T engage in conversation with the man you are objectifying. Trust me, he will say something profoundly ignorant and completely ruin the experience for you – you may never want to objectify a man again. Hmmm. . .makes me wonder if men do that on purpose to keep us from objectifying them. Then again, men aren’t clever enough nor do they possess the aptitude and diligence required to pull off such subterfuge.
DON’T be nice when you objectify a man. Objectification requires tenacious ruthlessness. Look at the man. Pronounce him gorgeous/fine/sexy/hot whatever adjective you favor. Eat him up with your eyes. Then move on. It should be like chewing gum. When you get tired of the flavor (and you will get tired of staring at his hot ass), then spit it out and don’t even worry whose shoe it ends up on the bottom of.
DON’T waste time wondering if you should objectify a man. You might miss the opportunity. If you see a hottie in Starbucks buying a cheese Danish (he might just be a damn metrosexual but that’s another post altogether!), don’t stand there wringing your hands, wondering what to do. Quickly ask yourself these three questions:
Is he handsome/gorgeous/really adorable/super cute?
Is he tall? As for galaxyMafia, I don’t even look at a man if he’s not at least six feet.
Does he have a nice body?
If you can answer “Hell, yeah!” to one or more of those 3 questions, then stop standing there and start objectifying!
DO wait until he smiles before you commit yourself to objectifying him. Nothing can turn your stomach faster and ruin your moment of objectification than seeing a really hot
guy with a mouth full of stained, jagged, crooked, rotten teeth. Gap-toothed yuck mouths CANNOT be objectified no matter how handsome they are. Sorry.
When you see an exceptionally good-looking man, DO stare openly, DON’T blush and giggle and look away. You are not in the third grade anymore! Besides, this is a free
damn country (well. . .at least for some folks it is) and you can look at whomever you please. And if the good-looking SOB has the unmitigated balls to front you out and ask you what you are looking at, you tell him, “I’m looking at you, mofo!” DON’T let no man punk you!
DON’T objectify just okay-looking men. You know the ones I’m talking about. They aren’t drop dead gorgeous, they’re just sorta kinda cute. The men you objectify should all be, on a scale of one to ten, a thirteen. This is another problem women face. They give men the benefit of the doubt. If a guy is thisclose to being gorgeous, the woman will be nice (we’re trained to do that, remember) and will fill in the gap in her mind for him. DON’T do that. Men are not as charitable to us. If a guy wants a 34DD cup and you are a 33.25 DD cup, you best know that he will kick you to the curb and make bets with his friends on how long it will take you to get up and in which direction you will stumble away, broken, humiliated and tearful.
DON’T fantasize about the guy. This is another problem women have. That’s because women can’t fantasize without making it a huge MGM Technicolor Ringling Bros./Barnum and Bailey production. When men fantasize, they see boobs, ass, legs, etc. And for that reason, fantasy and objectifying is interchangeable with them. Women are not like that. When we fantasize, we have five acts, a script, a re-write of the script, revisions of the re-write. We go through the first glance, first date, first kiss, first time in the sack, first fight. We detail the meeting of the friends, the in-laws, the proposal, the engagement, the wedding (the dress, the cake, the flowers, the reception), the kids (and we name them all), the divorce, the re-marriage. It can literally take us three damn days to fantasize about some guy! The key to objectification is brevity. It is quick and easy, kinda like a Pop Tart or a Hot Pocket. Think microwave hot chocolate, not the kind of cocoa that involves milk and vanilla and a pot and 30 minutes. Just look at the guy, appreciate that he’s tasty and then go on your merry way.
DO make sure you have a long list of guys to objectify. Here’s my point: Men, inevitably, will do something stupid. And it’s hard to objectify a stupid man. (This is why galaxyMafia has problems objectifying Paul Walker, even though he is exceptionally pretty. I think he’s a lug nut). So, when a guy you objectify does something Cro-Magnon, you might have to drop him. However, you will not fear because you have other men that are just as tasty and will have not, so far, reverted back to their Neanderthal state.
Ladies, I wrote all that to say. . .objectification is simple and easy. Don’t think too hard about it or read too much into it. Remember, “Alice in Wonderland” was just a story Mr. Barrie told to past the time while babysitting some damn hyperactive brats.
So, you see a good-looking guy in the dry cleaners/library/grocery store/post office/county lock-up and you’re wondering, should you objectify him? You hem and haw, internalize and analyze and by the time you decide that, okay, you just might do it, he’s already gone. That is a common problem women face. Alas, you are not alone.
The Pitfall. . .
Women were told, as little girls, that it was not nice to stare. We were trained to even exhibit body language that could preclude us from gawking openly at good-looking men (i.e., we keep our heads down and look up through our lashes which, if they are long, impede or obstruct our view). Remember how you used to hide behind your mother’s skirt, shyly taking a quick glance. Little girls are taught to peek, to hold our hands up over our eyes and peer between the spaces of our index and middle fingers. We are encouraged to look away.
The Plot hole. . .
Psychologists and feminists and talk show hosts would have you believe that objectifying a man is a waste of time, or detrimental to your self-esteem and self-worth or some other such tomfoolery but don’t let ‘em shanghai you! Objectifying men is quick, easy and painless. You can do it on your lunch hour, on the elevator in between floors, on the drive home during rush hour traffic, in a business meeting, even on a date. . .especially on a date as it is never a good idea to give a man too much of your attention – he won’t be able to handle it (but that’s another post altogether). Objectifying a man can take five seconds or five minutes and trust me, it won’t damage your psyche. As galaxyMafia always says, “It is a far better thing to gawk at a man than talk to him lest you risk your damn sanity.”
Do’s and Don’ts of objectification
DON’T think of the man as a human being. This is a common problem most women face. We can’t just look at the man and think, he’s cute! No, we have to start wondering what he does for a living, and what his hobbies are and where he lives and yadda, yadda, yadda. DON’T do this. Inevitably, it will only end in disillusionment when you learn that he’s a disenfranchised cable repairman thinking about getting a degree from ITT Tech, that he likes to play paint ball and stage farting contests with his frat brothers on the weekends and that he lives with his cousin (and his bed is that piss-stained mattress in the corner of the living room that he found out by the Dumpster at the last apartment complex he lived in until he broke his lease).
DON’T engage in conversation with the man you are objectifying. Trust me, he will say something profoundly ignorant and completely ruin the experience for you – you may never want to objectify a man again. Hmmm. . .makes me wonder if men do that on purpose to keep us from objectifying them. Then again, men aren’t clever enough nor do they possess the aptitude and diligence required to pull off such subterfuge.
DON’T be nice when you objectify a man. Objectification requires tenacious ruthlessness. Look at the man. Pronounce him gorgeous/fine/sexy/hot whatever adjective you favor. Eat him up with your eyes. Then move on. It should be like chewing gum. When you get tired of the flavor (and you will get tired of staring at his hot ass), then spit it out and don’t even worry whose shoe it ends up on the bottom of.
DON’T waste time wondering if you should objectify a man. You might miss the opportunity. If you see a hottie in Starbucks buying a cheese Danish (he might just be a damn metrosexual but that’s another post altogether!), don’t stand there wringing your hands, wondering what to do. Quickly ask yourself these three questions:
Is he handsome/gorgeous/really adorable/super cute?
Is he tall? As for galaxyMafia, I don’t even look at a man if he’s not at least six feet.
Does he have a nice body?
If you can answer “Hell, yeah!” to one or more of those 3 questions, then stop standing there and start objectifying!
DO wait until he smiles before you commit yourself to objectifying him. Nothing can turn your stomach faster and ruin your moment of objectification than seeing a really hot
guy with a mouth full of stained, jagged, crooked, rotten teeth. Gap-toothed yuck mouths CANNOT be objectified no matter how handsome they are. Sorry.
When you see an exceptionally good-looking man, DO stare openly, DON’T blush and giggle and look away. You are not in the third grade anymore! Besides, this is a free
damn country (well. . .at least for some folks it is) and you can look at whomever you please. And if the good-looking SOB has the unmitigated balls to front you out and ask you what you are looking at, you tell him, “I’m looking at you, mofo!” DON’T let no man punk you!
DON’T objectify just okay-looking men. You know the ones I’m talking about. They aren’t drop dead gorgeous, they’re just sorta kinda cute. The men you objectify should all be, on a scale of one to ten, a thirteen. This is another problem women face. They give men the benefit of the doubt. If a guy is thisclose to being gorgeous, the woman will be nice (we’re trained to do that, remember) and will fill in the gap in her mind for him. DON’T do that. Men are not as charitable to us. If a guy wants a 34DD cup and you are a 33.25 DD cup, you best know that he will kick you to the curb and make bets with his friends on how long it will take you to get up and in which direction you will stumble away, broken, humiliated and tearful.
DON’T fantasize about the guy. This is another problem women have. That’s because women can’t fantasize without making it a huge MGM Technicolor Ringling Bros./Barnum and Bailey production. When men fantasize, they see boobs, ass, legs, etc. And for that reason, fantasy and objectifying is interchangeable with them. Women are not like that. When we fantasize, we have five acts, a script, a re-write of the script, revisions of the re-write. We go through the first glance, first date, first kiss, first time in the sack, first fight. We detail the meeting of the friends, the in-laws, the proposal, the engagement, the wedding (the dress, the cake, the flowers, the reception), the kids (and we name them all), the divorce, the re-marriage. It can literally take us three damn days to fantasize about some guy! The key to objectification is brevity. It is quick and easy, kinda like a Pop Tart or a Hot Pocket. Think microwave hot chocolate, not the kind of cocoa that involves milk and vanilla and a pot and 30 minutes. Just look at the guy, appreciate that he’s tasty and then go on your merry way.
DO make sure you have a long list of guys to objectify. Here’s my point: Men, inevitably, will do something stupid. And it’s hard to objectify a stupid man. (This is why galaxyMafia has problems objectifying Paul Walker, even though he is exceptionally pretty. I think he’s a lug nut). So, when a guy you objectify does something Cro-Magnon, you might have to drop him. However, you will not fear because you have other men that are just as tasty and will have not, so far, reverted back to their Neanderthal state.
Ladies, I wrote all that to say. . .objectification is simple and easy. Don’t think too hard about it or read too much into it. Remember, “Alice in Wonderland” was just a story Mr. Barrie told to past the time while babysitting some damn hyperactive brats.
