But soft! What light through yonder green eyes breaks? It is the East, and Wentworth is the sun!
The Marketing Orcs have run amuck! [Singing and dancing around my computer] Amuck, amuck, amuck, amuck!
Mariah Carey is the cloven-hoofed, fire breathing, triple breasted whore of Satan. There, I’ve said it. I don’t mind taking the hit for the rest of the team ‘cause I know you all were thinking it too! Moving on…
So she has only two breasts but I truly believe she has sold her soul to Lucifer in exchange for megastardom. When she isn’t suckling at the teat of the Anti-Christ she works as consultant to the Marketing Orcs – Entertainment Division! Enter one Brett Ratner and his big idea for a little show called Prison Break…
It’s difficult to remain ambivalent about Ms. Carey. I love her voice but the Diva shenanigans and the “tragic mulatto” act are a real turn off. So when I heard that she had released a new CD I was distressed to say the least, that is until I saw the videos. Never mind screeching Mimi, who the bloody hell is that man she’s making sweet, video love with? And why is he allowing her to soil his beautiful, slender, delicate hands? That was my first reaction to the sight of “The Pretty”, a day which will live in infamy.
After I picked myself up off the floor, wiped the drool from my face and changed into a pair of dry undies, I logged on to Google and discovered that the hot piece of video ass was none other than The Wentworth Miller, the man I’d previously spontaneously orgasmed to [In a darkened movie theater no one can hear you climax – sorry Ridley Scott] while watching The Human Stain just two years ago! And why is he co-starring in Ms. Carey’s video? Brett Ratner directed it of course! And wow, now he’s in a primetime show on Fox! And he’s the star! And Brett Ratner is the Executive Producer! Will wonders ever cease? Not if the Marketing Orcs have their way…
What a difference two years can make! Especially when you’re handsome, lithe, the Executive Producer of your new show has leased his soul (with an option to buy, depending on if anyone can be convinced to pony up the cheese to see X-Men 3) to the Marketing Orcs, and you have a popular television show branded on your very image.
And boy what an image! We see him everywhere now. Busses, billboards, TV and magazines all shout, “Ubiquity, thy name is Wentworth Miller!” Now don’t get it twisted, Ms. GD ain’t hatin’ baby. I’ve already admitted to my Wenty-fresh addiction ad nauseam in this blog and various message boards. In fact, the first two pictures in this entry are currently push pined to my cubicle wall-natch!
What is so disquieting about all the publicity is how it seems to have reduced the media and private citizens alike into squealing preteens! Just once I would like to read or see an interview with Mr. Miller where some idiot reporter/talk show jockey hasn’t channeled the spirit of Tigerbeat writers past to ask him what he thinks about all the super duper love he’s been getting from fans. Come on! What is he supposed to say - Why yes I am sexy as hell and I do get more pussy (or cock, which ever rumor you believe) then the law allows, thanks for asking? Puh-leeeease! Actually, at this point we’d probably still love him if he did. I for one adore it when people just break that shit right on down. I mean, I think I’m pretty hot too even if I’m not a size six. [Go Ms. GD! Shake what ya Mama gave ya!] He has a fully functioning mind people; you won’t break it if you ask him a few intelligent questions. If anything he’d faint from the shock!
Yes he is physically attractive but the real reason America is flipping it’s lid is because, as I told galaxyMafia as she feigned interest in yet another tirade on The Pretty, he represents the “Holy Grail” of manhood – he’s the epitome of the tall, dark, and handsome stereotype but apparently not aware of it, intelligent and degreed from a prestigious university, well spoken, self-effacing, multitalented (acts and sings although no news yet from the dancing skills front), and undeniably masculine but not overbearingly so. Add to that his supernatural ability to appear relaxed and comfortable while remaining completely closed and unreadable and you have a powerful WOMD: Weapon of Masturbatory Dimensions!
Now let’s discuss the “race” thing for a moment. Much has been made of Mr. Miller’s gumbo-like ethnic makeup. When told about his background, everyone who isn’t lily-white has the same reaction – yeah, and? Unlike white folks, black folks don’t get all bent out of shape and weirded out about that type of thing. We know that after 300 or so years of living in this country some of us, and I would hazard to say most of us, have ceased to be as black as we were then! There is only so much sustained forced or consensual sex you can have before certain genetic markers begin to pop up in your progeny. And American blacks are OK with that. We’ve accepted it. It’s a moot point in our community. But white folks can’t seem to wrap their minds around it!
On all the boards I’ve visited there is at least one post from some ig’nant white mother fucker about how “surprised” they were to discover that Mr. Miller has “one drop of black blood” in him and how he [¡Que Horror!] “still” manages to be awesomely gorgeous! And my personal favorite, “How can he ‘play’ a white man on the show if he isn’t really white?” What the fuck!?!? What about Keanu Reeves? He’s half Asian but you’ve been able to accept him as a white man during his whole career without once having a brain aneurysm over the fact!
So what I’ve been able to surmise from all the peculiar comments is that if he were obviously black (Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Sidney Poitier, Alfre Woodard) or worse, offensively black (Bokeem Woodbine, CCH Pounder, Djimon Hounsou, Cicely Tyson), that he couldn’t be beautiful or maybe you could secretly dig him but just not say so in public? For the love of everything that is sacred and holy white people, get your heads out of your flat asses and recognize the beauty and variety that is human kind! Why must everything be packaged in small, predigested, immediately recognizable bites for you? And why would you want to live in a world where everything and everyone looked the same anyway? Boooooooooooring!
[Ms. GD steps down from soapbox and sheaths designer fist made specially for shaking at Ignorance, Inequality, Hatred and Sheer Stupidity.]
But maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on the white people. After all, it’s the Marketing Orcs that started this whole thing. They’ve accomplished the heretofore impossible, found one person that all America can lust over equally. And wasn’t that the purpose anyway (well that and the cash we’re all doling out for anything Went-worthy)? Don’t get me wrong; Mr. Miller has the raw talent to overcome any obstacle. He just needs more experience and the unholy alliance between the Marketing Orcs and the management professionals handling his career will see that he gets it!
A Thousand Points of Lust (but for my purposes here I’ll list only the top six)
*Claims Scrabble as his favorite board game
*Princeton Senior Theses title: Doubling and the Identity Construct in Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper," Jean Rhys's Wide Sargasso Sea, and Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre
*Self-professed “romantic”, digging the flowers, roaring fireplace, wine, long walks on the beach, etc.
*Has the greenest green eyes on all of God’s green earth!
*Is tall and skinny
*Is taller than Ms.GD (which isn’t that great of an accomplishment but at least I’d be able to wear heels while serving as his arm accessory)
Cry "Havoc," and let slip the Orcs of Marketing! Amuck, amuck, amuck, amuck! – GD