The New Zealand Rugby Gods Of Hotness

Another day…another post about my obsession with NZ Rugby…

So where to begin Dear Readers? Twas not so long ago that the apple of Ms. GD’s eye was (the still very awesome) Wentworth Miller but now with DSL and rugby games on demand, Ms. GD has broadened her Hot Ass Man horizons to include Pacific Islanders, Maori and the occasional New Zealander of European decent.

Good googly-goo but these men are the hotness ya’ll! But, I hear you chirp, just how hot are they Ms. GD? Well my Dear Inquisitive Readers, they are so very hot that four of them are currently on the top ranked national team (the All Blacks) in the world, seven of them are on the second ranked (but #1 in our hearts) team in New Zealand, three of them are on the top ranked team in NZ and they all reign supreme…all alone…at the top of the world rugby ladder and they manage to do it while being, as Mama Diva said when she say them, “Gooooooood lookin’!”

So how does one rate or even manage all this hotness? And more to the point, how does one Ms. GD express that measurement in a way her Dear Readers will comprehend? There are only three ways I can think of…organizational charts and pictures with comparisons to figures from classical Greek mythos! What? You got another way?

Canterbury Crusaders/Canterbury:
Mose Tuiali’i/Morpheus – God of Dreams
Just one look at Mose and you can see why he would embody the spirit of the god of dreams – he’s soooooo dreamy! Aaaaaargh! I swear, when I first say this photo I almost fell out of my chair! With that steely gaze and that shimmering, wet body…OH LAWD! And add to that the fact that he’s a God fearing, church going man and that just makes him all the more superb. Is that even possible? But, Ladies and Gentlemen, before you purchase those airline tickets you should know that he’s married. I know…sad huh?

Auckland Blues/Auckland:
Doug Howlett /Poseidon – God of the sea, horses and earthquakes
Well I certainly felt the earth move the first time I saw Dougie! Not to mention a fair bit of moisture down south! Wait…I guess we shouldn’t mention that? And even though I’m afraid of horses (Ms. GD thinks anything that isn’t a dog or a cat is a wild animal) I’d certainly set astride one if Mr. Hot-lett were giving me a boost! Oooooooo…his hands on my ass…*cough*…sorry. Doug’s beautiful brown/hazel eyes, ebony locks, and square jawed loveliness have been a regular feature in my fantasies and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. What I wouldn’t give to be submerged in a warm, blue green sea with him. Sigh!

Waikato Chiefs/Waikato:
Sione Lauaki/Atlas – Condemned by Zeus to stand at the western edge of the earth and shoulder the weight of the heavens
Technically Atlas isn’t a god but a Titan. However, comparing Mr. Lauaki to the doomed Titan is strangely fitting. His formidable appearance and great strength on the pitch is legendary. Unfortunately, Dear Sione hasn’t yet mastered the skill of keeping his aggression on the field. In short, he’s got an anger management problem and is quick with the fisticuffs! I ain’t mad at him though. I just think he’s misunderstood and maybe a little lonely. I’d love to cuddle him to my ample bosom, rock him back and forth and tell him it’s gonna be alright. And while I’m rocking him I’ll run my fingers (and toes) through that gorgeous mop of fat, silky curls and place a juicy kiss on those lips and…oh well you get the picture. Right?

Richard Kahui/Ares – God of savage war, or bloodlust
So young…so innocent…my Aunt Fanny! Young Mr. Kahui may look like he just got his braces off and his first big boy haircut but this man is a true warrior on the pitch! He showed his ass on the field this year (Only figuratively speaking of course…DAMNIT!) and had all the sports pundits salivating all over themselves and shorting out their computers! I was salivating too but not because he was the top scorer in the Air New Zealand Cup. No Ms. GD was drooling like a hungry cheetah because this youngin’ is FINE! Richard gotz a nice little ass on him fo reals yo!

Mils Muliaina/Apollo – God of medicine and healing, light, truth, archery and also a bringer of death-dealing plague
Well I know I felt the healing powers of Malili the first time I saw him! Praise be ya’ll! Let’s just get right to the point Dear Readers, I love this man’s body! Yes he’s a bit on the lean side but my goodness is he not perfectly defined and toned without an ounce of extra fat on him! And those legs! Ow! His voice is wonderful too. It’s not too booming but not too high either and when I hear it I just want to curl up in his lap like a cat! Unfortunately he’s hopelessly devoted to his girlfriend of many years which means I’ll never…ever get a chance to get anywhere near his lap!

Wellington Lions/Hurricanes:
Tana Umaga/Zeus – King of the gods, ruler of Mount Olympus, and god of the sky and thunder
Oh Tana, if only I’d been born in New Zealand you’d be married to me and not…well, the woman you are currently married to! What can I say about one of the greatest players of modern rugby that hasn’t already been said? Oh yeah – He’s The Hotness Ya’ll! He’s not what some would call traditionally handsome but there’s just something about Mr. Umaga, a sort of animal magnetism if you will. It’s that sort of raw, aggressive, sexual power that makes you want to scream and cry and hyperventilate before passing out on the floor! Okay well maybe I’m the only one that feels this way but that doesn’t negate his royal hotness!

Ma’a Nonu/Eros – God of lust, love, and sex and also worshipped as a fertility deity
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Good Lord but he is beautiful! It just makes no sense for someone to be that beautiful! It makes no sense for a man to be that beautiful! And if his awesome beauty wasn’t enough he has a body like a brick shit house! Good Lord! Oh that smile! That smile like the molten surface of the sun! Dear Readers I could never meet him. Either I’d act like the village idiot and mumble incoherently whilst drooling all over his shoes or I’d molest him. Yes. It’s as simple as that.

Lome Fa’atau/Dionysus – God of wine; both it’s intoxicating power and its social and beneficial influences, promoter of civilization, a lawgiver, and lover of peace as well as the patron deity of agriculture and the theater
He’s everything a zaftig and cute as a button Texas girl could want – devout Catholic, proud Samoan/New Zealander, tall and fine like a mutha, world class winger (only a Fijian could catch him), top try scorer for the 2006 Super 14, and the most handsome man I have ever seen in my whole...entire...LIFE! I’m talking movie star/model good looks ya’ll! Sigh. Marry me baby. Please? I’ll be a wonderful wife and mother to you and our three beautiful children! I promise baby!!! Damn…did I type that out loud?

Neemia Tialata/Pan – God of shepherds and their flocks, known for his music, capable of arousing inspiration, sexuality, or panic, depending on his intentions
What’s not to like about a man that loves a damn dog like this? And did I mention he plays the guitar? And that he’s fiercely devoted to his family? He also knows his way around a bottle of hair gel (Check out that faux hawk!) And did I mention his perfectly edged up sideburns? Oh yes and as galaxyMafia would be quick to point out, he’s the linchpin of the Wellington/All Blacks scrum? And let us not forget the most important thing of all – those magnificent thighs of Adamantium! Egads and Ooooooowwww baby! You can “wrastle” with me anytime Mr. Tialata!

Shannon Paku/Hermes – God of boundaries and of the travelers who cross them, of shepherds and cowherds, of orators and wit, of literature and poets, of athletics, of weights and measures and invention and commerce in general, and of the cunning of thieves and liars
Mr. Paku needs to work on those errant cowlicks and stop parting his hair straight down the middle like Alfalfa but we’ll forgive him these minor flaws because, 1. He’s married now and that shit is his new wife’s problem and 2. All we care about are those long, luscious, luxurious legs of his and the way he likes to tease us by wearing those shawt rugby shawts. Good Lawd!

Tamati Ellison/Zephyrus – The west wind and bringer of light spring and early summer breezes
He’s much too young but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t enjoy turning him out! I don’t think he’s completely inexperienced (They start early in New Zealand plus he’s a professional athlete!) but I doubt he’s had the full benefit of many kindly, mature women in his life…if ya know what I’m saying Dear Readers. But then again, he might be able to show me a thing or three in which case I better take my vitamins and remember to stretch before we get started. What the young ones lack in control they more than make up for in stamina. Tally-Ho!

Jerry Collins/Hades – God of the Dead
Jerry Collins. Jerry Collins. Oooooo weeeee Jerry Collins! Everything I have to say about him has already been said here . Mmmmm…mmmm…Jerry Collins!

Hot Ass 2006 Super 14 Advert featuring Ma’a Nonu, Sione Lauaki and many sexy others!

This is my last official rugby post of the year so I hope you enjoyed it Dear Readers. I’m taking a short break from all this rugby foolishness until Super 14 starts in February. Now this doesn’t mean that if something (or someone) juicy pops up that I won’t blog about it. It just means I’m going to try and focus on something else besides Hot Ass Rugby Players. Pray for a sister ya’ll. – GD

Most pics found here

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