Sex and the Sushi Best And Worst of 2006

Here we go ya’ll, one mo ‘gain with Sex and the Sushi’s year end best and worst list. Now with Extra Snark! Enjoy!

Movie

Best – The Devil Wears Prada
The book, a hematoma of bad writing billed as the "phenomenal New York Times bestseller" only got that title because Lauren Weisberger was dishing about brittle Vogue editor Anna "Nuclear Winter" Wintour. The movie however, doesn't suffer from mixed metaphors and dangling participles. A delightful comedy, it's an enchanting cautionary tale about bosses from hell and the ambitious young things who will never please them.

Worst – Running Scared
See galaxyMafia’s review

Television Show

Best – The Unit/Ugly Betty

The Unit – Dennis Haysbert leads the charge as Jonas "Snake Doc" Blaine, head of a team of elite soldiers who carry out dangerous secret missions for the US government. Sleek, clever and deadly, these guys always get the target right betwixt the eyes. Thankfully, though, there are no dapper 007s running amok here (though the boys do tidy up nicely when the mission calls for it). These government enhanced Alpha males drink domestic beer, spilt verbs and wouldn't be caught dead trying to neutralize the enemy with a Walther PPK. These guys don't get out of bed if they can't use SAMs (surface-to-air missiles - number one on any badass feminista’s wish list). But, the best part about them is that they're still afraid of their wives.

Ugly Betty – This show is about as perfect a show as you can get on network TV! All the wit and bite of other “insider” type shows with none of the stomach churning schmaltz of family shows like 7th Heaven and everything on ABC Family. And all of this is done with the sort of camp that slaps you upside the head then pushes you down into the hairdresser’s chair for a thorough and well overdue makeover! Also, who couldn’t love the beautiful, voluptuous America Ferrera? We first fell in love with her and her juicy, real woman sexiness in the movie Real Women Have Curves and that love has only blossomed and grown with every episode of this show!

Runner Up – Fashion House
See Glamour Diva’s review

Worst – We don’t have a worst TV show at this time. We haven’t had time to watch too much bad TV because we’ve been spending way too much time foaming at the mouth over rugby!

Reality Show

Best – The Amazing Race
This show hasn't won a gazillion Emmys in a row for nothing. It's smart, stylized and the winners don't have to lie, cheat and scheme to get the cash in the end. . .well, not usually anyway.

Worst – The Bachelor/Flava of Love

The Bachelor – I don't know what's worse. That ABC hasn't cancelled this sexist drivel or that thousands of lonely, desperate, seething harpies continue to sign up to be exploited, objectified and ridiculed for a chance with some loser who will dump her three weeks after the finale, claiming "too much time apart" kept their love from blossoming.

Flava of Love – Damn! Damn! Damn! And damn again we scream! We were down with Flav when he was coonin’ for a cause with Public Enemy but Hip Hip’s most famous and entertaining Hype Man has sunk to an all time low with this shizz! That’s right, continuing to wallow in drug addiction would have been a much more honorable way of hastening his untimely demise than staring in this travesty of broadcast television! And the women?!? Oh…my…GOD! Where do we even freakin’ begin? This show sets ALL women back, not just the “colored” ones people! The Sushi Girls don’t mind a woman fighting for her man but you’d think by now we would have learned the difference between a good man and no’count loser! But alas none of us, male and female, colored and pasty white, have learned a damn thing since Adam and Eve got their sinning asses kicked the hell out of the Garden of Eden! Sigh…

Best Song/Album

Female
Mary J. Blige, The Breakthrough

Male
Robin Thicke, The Evolution of Robin Thicke

Celebrity Breakup

Best – Britney Spears & Kevin Federline, Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston
Take one mega rich but still very lonely Southern girl with low self-esteem and add one opportunistic, self-proclaimed “Jack the Lad” with baby mama drama and you have a recipe for disaster. We will not cry for these two fools because they never should have been together in the first place! The only ones we even come close to caring about are those precious babies. Like the saying goes, you can pick your ass but you can’t pick your parents! And as far as Jen and Vince go – this should prove once and for damn all that rebound relationships don’t work! It was shaky from the start but when they had the unmitigated gall to star in a movie together we knew they were doomed for sure. Just who do you think you are J&V? Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman? Tracy and Hepburn? Bacall and Bogart? Please! Just chalk this up to temporary insanity and move on, preferably away from our television and movie screens.

Worst – Hilary Swank & Chad Lowe, Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Philippe
What becomes of the husband and wife who should have stuck it out? In Hollywood, that manufactured cotton candy dreamland, it seems no one takes their marriage vows seriously. "I do" is merely the latest catchphrase and "til death do us part" can be negotiated by a team of Harvard-educated barristers. It seemed however, that Hilary/Chad and Reese/Ryan would grin and bear it. After all, marriage is a partnership, a lifelong commitment, or so the Hallmark cards say. Sure, both Hil and Reece brought home all the bacon and fried it up in a pan. And sure, they were married to eunuchs who couldn't buy a decent movie role but is that any reason to sever the union? Just goes to show, the world (i.e. Hollywood) is not quite ready for the Alpha Girl.

Biggest Cad/Wanton Woman

Kevin Federline and Denise Richards

Denise Richards – Oh Denise. We were so with you when you dumped that fat head, whoremongering pseudo cholo Charlie Sheen particularly because we couldn't understand how a lovely girl like you could get herself hemmed up with Chuck "I BRAKE FOR PROSTITUTES" Sheen. Surely, we mused, Denise could do better than that. Little did we know you were about to do much worse. Little did we know you would turn into a wanton hussy, breaking the one unpardonable sin among girlfriends: Thou shalt not enter into an illicit affair with thy girlfriend's husband - especially when the divorce isn't even final!!

Kevin Federline – What a major dumb ass! You were living the dream! You had a rich, hot wife and you didn’t even have to pay your own child support! But you just couldn’t handle all those perks and all that freedom could you? You just had to act like a wannabe “baller/shot caller” bragging about how you had Brit Brit on lock! And then came the all night partying, solo trips to Las Vegas, shopping sprees (On wifey’s dime of course), failed music career attempts (When Britney Spears tells you your album sucks you really should listen baby), and the ho’s. BOY IS YOU CRAZY?!?!? The answer to that is apparently a resounding YES!

Class of 2007 Most Likely To Succeed

Jennifer Hudson
Anybody that proves Simon Cowell and Co. wrong as well as upstaging Beyonce in her supposed “breakthrough movie role” is a winner in our book! And you did it all while representing the juicy/dark girls! Go head then girl but watch ya back…Papa and Mama Knowles will cut a bitch!

Christopher Paolini
This twentysomething novelist had to self-publish his first book AND hawk it at trade shows, flea markets and libraries. But, his diligence paid off. Word of mouth about his tale of a boy and his dragon spread and before you could say five-book deal with Random House, the book, "Eragon" was blowing up C.P.'s spot. With his book deal and subsequent film deal not to mention the games, stuffed animals and gift cards, the guy who penned the story of a blue dragon has created a cottage industry that will outrival Harry Potter in the years to come.

Class of 2007 Least Likely To Succeed

Rosie O’Donnell
We understand how it feels to finally come to terms with who you are and we congratulate Rosie for coming out of the closet and becoming such a powerful and outspoken advocate for Gay Rights and adoption reform (Two things we feel very strongly about here at SATS). However, if the woman keeps accusing people of hatin’ on gay folk without substantial proof and picking on Donald Trump and Kelly Ripa et al, she might find herself without a damn job come 2008. Let’s not get too giddy over our newly minted Democratic Congress Dear Rosie. This is still America you know.

Star Jones
Star has admitted that she was humbled by her experience on The View so we won’t be too hard on her but we still say she needs to disappear for a while. At least until America’s short-term memory problem has had a chance to kick in. Americans love nothing more than watching a celebrity disintegrate spectacularly in front of their eyes then rise from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix. But if you don’t give us a chance to forget why we hated you in the first place then how can we love you again Star? Please go somewhere and sit down for a minute okay?

Best/Worst PR

Best – Nick Lachey
Your PR Toadies waved their magic wands and turned a cad into a hero. Your CD even sold more than your bubble headed Ex! America loves you now Nick; you won! And really that’s all that matters now don’t it?

Worst – Jessica Simpson
Girl please fire your PR team! And while you’re at it get your father fitted with a muzzle, bind him with duct tape, shove him in a burlap sack and hide him in a basement at an undisclosed location until he learns to shut his damn mouth and stay out yo business! Didn’t you realize something was wrong when people started saying Ashlee was hotter than you? Oh but no see! Sisterhood is one thing but celebrity is something else all together. God gave you that face and those curves for a reason Miss Thang so in the immortal words of RuPaul, you better work!

Worst Haters of 2006

Ann Coulter
She accuses people of treason, can barely speak to liberals (if she must), and calls 9/11 widows godless. Which, makes her worthless, loveless, childless, brainless, husbandless and sexless. . .which we suspect is the root of all her tyrannical ranting and raving.

Oprah vs Hip Hop (50 Cent, Ludicris, Ice Cube, et al.)
Have you all run out of stories about how much money you have, comparisons to Italian Mafiosos, selling drugs, runnin’ the ho’s, and getting ya ass shot off 100 times and living to tell the tale? Now you have to pick on Oprah? We agree that she can be a bit annoying but please! We think you have more important things to worry about like the PR problem Hip Hop has had for the last twenty years. Get your priorities straight people!

Republicans
As the saying goes, people who live in glass houses (with kiddie porn mags, lists of illegal campaign contributions and dead American soldiers strewn all over the floor) shouldn’t throw stones…at Democrats, Moderates. Independents, the Green Party and anyone else who refuses to be held down under the heel of your shiny jack boots!

LULAC, ACLU and all rampant, fire breathing, pro-immigration folk
You poor, misguided souls. Allowing the whole world live and/or work in the U.S. is not good for the world or the U.S.! Why? Because the only reason we tolerate “your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” is because they work for peanuts and live in conditions that no self-respecting goat would live in with little to no health care and also because they allow us (and by “us” we mean America, The Sushi Girls included) to continue to be lazy and self-centered, bourgeoisie pig dogs!

People Most In Need Of A Slap Across The Face With A Fish

Nancy Grace
Your seething, hissing haranguing should not drive people to suicide!

Mike Boogie, et al
Boogie and Dr. Will Kirby, the duplicitous duo, proved once again that liars, back-stabbers, manipulators, and cheaters always win - especially on lame ass reality shows. When Boogie and Kirby weren't "show-mancing" bubble-headed ditzoids, they were creating fake alliances, manipulating the weaker vessels and plotting against Kayser, whose good looks made him a perma target of Dr. Evil until he tricked others into ousting the devoted Muslim. The only honest statement Mike Boogie made was this: "I'm going to hell." True dat!

Eva Longoria & Tony Parker
We appreciate what a deep, raw dickin’ can do for a girl but must we hear about it all the time? And must we see your smug little Latina face everywhere we look reminding us of how little sex we’re getting? You know neither you nor your man is really all that! And yes we’re hating but you get on our nerves chica! [Sticking out our tongues at you and your French fried chere!]

Hookups That Made Us Say…What The Fuck?

Lindsay Lohan & Stavros Niarchos
Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds L2? Oh hells no!

Paris Hilton & Travis Barker
Huh? But why? No seriously, what the fuck was that all about?

Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock…again!
Pam baby…we think your implants might be leaking. How else to explain your asinine decision to hook up with KR? For fuck’s sake Pam think of the children! And our delicate stomachs!

Eddie Murphy & Melanie Brown AKA Scary Spice
Eddie know he was wrong for that! First of all everyone knows Eddie got color issues from waaaaaaaay back! Melanie, while not as dark as one of Eddie’s exes, Robin Givins, was still too dark for him. Just look at his Ex-Wife and his current paramour, Tracey Edmonds. Also, like Jen and Vince, rebound relationships never…EVER…work! We don’t know what the hell Mel B. was thinking but she should have done her damn homework before releasing her eggs for EM. Now she’s got to prove the paternity of her baby because Eddie couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Oh LAWD!

In Desperate Need Of Therapy In 2007

Lindsay Lohan
Dear LL (or L2 if you prefer). Girl, what's really going on? Flashing your cooch? Drinking at your AA meetings? Rambling essays on your MySpace filled with gratuitous grammatical mistakes? Hitting up that scruffy stiff Al Gore for help? Listen; find somebody to talk to who won't sell your business to US magazine. Doesn't matter if he's got a Freudian slant or a Jungian bent. Just don't show your goodies when you splay out provocatively on his couch.

Mel Gibson/Michael Richards
If the antics of these fools can’t convince white America that racism still exists them we don’t know what can! And wouldn’t it be swell if all white people could sit on an analyst’s couch and talk through their anger and hatred issues? Yea right…

Best/Worst Politician

Best – Barack Obama
For staying his ass out of the (negative) news thus preserving his sexy AND self-respect! And also for having the good taste to marry the lovely and talented (and dark skinned) Mrs. Obama as opposed to some light skinned, underachieving “black” woman or worse, some pasty faced, underachieving white woman. Yes we went there. What of it?

Worst – Mark Foley (Washington Page Scandal)
You cowardly, pedophilic sonofabitch! The very thought of you makes us wretch! And for the record Mark you don’t go to rehab for pedophilia. Are you honestly trying to imply that a substance abuse problem led you to seek sex from underage males? You ignorant fucker! You’re a sick and twisted individual with or without intoxicants and you best to deal with your issues instead of whitewashing them. Also, believe that we don’t accept you trying to further imply that homosexuality and pedophilia are one in the same. We’re on to you and all the other hatemongerers who keep trying to shove that old chestnut down our collective throats!

Trends We Don’t Want To See In 2007

Adopting African orphans for PR reasons
Skinny jeans
Eating disorders
Celebrities with MySpace/YouTube accounts
Misuse of the term “Baby Mama/Daddy”

Trends We Do Want To See In 2007

Dance Off’s as conflict resolution
More gratuitous male nudity
A nation-wide, grassroots movement to get American children adopted by Americans

Best/Worst Hair Weave or Wig


Best – Beyonce Knowles
If you’ve ever seen Ms. B work her weave then you now she gotz the top of the line, real Indian hair from top of the line, real desperately poor Indian women. No “Yakky” will do for young Ms. Knowles. And besides, Mama and Papa Knowles would beat her within an inch of her life if she walked out the house with a raggedy weave!

Worst – Tyra Banks
How many times must we be subjected to the site of Ms. Banks on the red carpet in her fucked up wig? Is it just us or does she look like that elderly aunt we all have who refuses to give up on that old, dusty, matted wig she’s had since 1942? Yes that’s what we thought…

Best/Worst Dictator

Best – Kim Jong-il
You know you're a good dictator when your people don't understand the concept of television while you sit on the couch with a beer and a bucket of chicken watching "Flava of Love"

Worst – Saddam Hussein
You know you're not really cut out for this dictator stuff when the US catches you in an underground bunker, you go on trial and end up hung while Shiites stick out their tongues

Best Sex Tape We’re Bummed We Never Got A Chance To See

Colin Farrell & Nicole Narain
What a shame! Will we ever get a chance to see what Colin’s really workin’ with? Sigh.

Worst Sex Tape We’re Thrilled We Never Got A Chance To See

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline
Wasn’t “Chaotic” enough to make us vomit our spleens? Eeeeew! as well as Ick!

Worst H.A.Ms. (Hot Ass Messes) of 2006

Nicolas Cage
Lil’ Kim
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
Clay Aiken
Serena Williams
David Caruso
Kate Bosworth
Keanu Reeves
Janice Combs
Sylvester Stallone
Mariah Carey
Rachel Zoe
Brandon Davis
Remy Ma
Donald Trump
Ice-T and wife CoCo
Fergi
Evan Ross (Diana's son)
DMX
Naima from ANTM
Wendy Williams
Golden Brooks
Flav and every woman on the Flava Of Love

Rugby

With all of 2006's rugby posts you knew we’d have to go there so don’t front Dear Readers!

Best/Worst Looking Rugby Players

Best Looking
Ben Cohen (Scotland)
Doug Howlett (NZ)
Frédéric Michalak (France)
Joe Rokocoko (NZ)
Jonny Wilkinson (England)
Lome Fa’atau (NZ)
Ma'a Nonu (NZ)
Malili “Mils” Muliaina (NZ)
Mirco Bergamasco (Italy)
Mose Tuiali’I (NZ)
Neemia Tialata (NZ)
Richard Kahui (NZ)
Sean Fergus Lamont (Scotland)
Shannon Paku (NZ)
Sione Lauaki (NZ)
Sosene Anesi (NZ)
Tamati Ellison (NZ)
Tana Umaga (NZ)
Yannick Nyanga (France)

Jerry Collins (NZ) – Ms. GD and GM were split on Mr. Collins (Miss Sakamoto abstained). Ms. GD thought his magnificent body; outstanding height and winning personality outweighed his homely visage. GM is more of a purest and thought he should be relegated to the Worst Looking category, regardless of his near perfect physique. So we decided we’d leave it up to you, our Dear Readers, to decide where JC should go. Is he the Hotness or the Notness? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Worst Looking
The entire Welsh national team (Save for one Mike Phillips ). Seriously people, view the rest of them at your peril! You know The Sushi Girls wouldn’t lie to you baby!

Chris Masoe (NZ) – Bad skin and just all around unattractive ya’ll!

Dan Carter (NZ) – Crazy hair, average looks, irritating voice and too trendy for his own damn good.

Fabien Pelous (France) – He looks like something from The Island of Doctor Moreau, a cross between Frankenstein’s monster and a boxer puppy

John Afoa (NZ) – Cro-Magnon man lives !

Keven Mealamu (NZ) – He looks like he’s been hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels…repeatedly and without mercy.

Leon MacDonald (NZ) – Nosferatu Lives !

Mat Rogers (Australia) – Was the man attacked by a gang of marauding kangaroos?

Runners Up – The entire Irish national team

Most Overrated/Underrated Rugby Players

Overrated – Dan Carter
We know what you’re thinking, he’s a rugby player therefore he must have a good body and that should count for something right? And how can we hate on a player that kicks for damn near 100% in every game? We feel you rugby lovers but simply having a “good” body isn’t enough to satisfy our rugby lust. We want our ruggers to be sick wit it baby! And as for his kicking ability, well it’s easy to make every kick when you’re a perfectly calibrated robot! Yes we said it! DAN CARTER IS A ROBOT! Now you know the truth!

Underrated – Lome Fa’atau
This is what happens when you have principles and the strength of your convictions – no one knows who the fuck you are and people who are younger and not nearly as hot or talented as you win awards for their boring, undeserving (And some would say robotic…*cough*Dan Carter*cough*) work during Super 14. Doesn’t being the top try scorer mean anything?!? If he’d forsaken his Manu Samoa and Pacific Islander brethren and sold his soul to the All Blacks organization he’d be a world sensation by now. But alas he’s on the wrong side of thirty, as the rugby pundits like to screech, and no one gives a damn. Sad isn’t it?

Best Rugby Player Names

Malili Muliaina (NZ)
Neemia Tialata (NZ)
Casey Laulala (NZ)
Lolo Lui (Italy)

Rugby Hairdos

Best
Daniel Leo
Lome Fa’atau
Ma’a Nonu
Neemia Tialata
Tana Umaga

Worst
Dan Carter
Jason Eaton
Jerry Collins
Luke McAlister
Mils Muliaina
Sione Lauaki

Shawtest Rugby Shawt Shawts

Jimmy Gopperth (NZ) - Mr. Gopperth will miss a damn kick but Oh Lawd! how we love looking at those long, perfectly toned legs! Land sakes alive!

Runner Up – Shannon Paku

Worst Rugby H.A.Ms.

Dan Carter
Mils Muliaina
Stephen So'oialo

Best Rugby Fights

Crusaders vs Hurricanes: Neemia Tialata choking the ever lovin’ hell out of Richie McCaw and Tialata frontin’ like he couldn’t remember that shizz later!

Super 14 2006 Final: Ma’a Nonu and Richie McCaw choking hell out of each other in the fog!

[What is it about Richie McCaw that makes Hamos want to choke the hell out of him? We say he better watch his back!]

Runners Up
Bulls vs Hurricanes: Tialata takes on two players...simultaneously!
Waratahs vs Hurricanes (Super 14 Semi-Final): Peter Hewat gets in Ma’a Nonu’s face. Nonu begins to choke hell out of Hewat. Piri Weepu rockets out of nowhere, grabbing Hewat around the head and putting him in a head lock!
 

5 comments so far.

  1. Violet 2:00 PM, January 08, 2007
    lol great post. I agree that Jennifer Hudson is promising for class of 2007, she did outshine my nemisis Beyonce in Dreamgirls. Don't get my wrong, Beyonce can sing, but Jennifer can SANG.
  2. Overwhelmed Naija Babe 12:11 AM, January 09, 2007
    lmao.. this was a fantastic post.. Happy New year... dreamgirls rocked and jennifer hudson rocked ever better!!! Barack obama is the shiznit!!!lmao.. you're just wrong for those pictures... and hey wat you got against skinny jeans.. i think they're sexy with some stilettos... But yeah the african kids for pr thing should die a sudden death! Blog on mami.. you rock!
  3. zeyi 10:50 AM, January 11, 2007
    Happy New Year!

    For the Colin Farrell & Nicole Narain sex tape, I saw it and let me tell you something, that boy is working with something huge. The problem is that I was so in love with him but after I saw this tape I fell out of love with him. He just didn't do a great job. Plus he kept talking through the video.
    I still have it and watch it from time to time just to see his cock!
  4. Debalina 6:12 AM, January 13, 2007
    I say Jerry Collins should be in the hot column. Just put a bag over his head!
  5. beautyinbaltimore 6:26 AM, January 14, 2007
    Good post. I love The Devil Wears Prada and Ugly Betty also.

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