Hi-de-hi Dear Readers! It certainly has been a long time since I’ve written like this. I’ve been so severely lazy and aimless for the last few months that I just haven’t had the strength to write about the many and varied things swirling around in my mind. Okay so maybe the biggest thing swirling around in my mind has been the hotness of several Polynesian rugby players but really now Ms. GD has other thoughts too! I care about the world in general! No really I do!

Mantra For A New Beginning

Om Vinayakaya Namaha
Om Vee-nah-yah Kah-yah Nah-mah-hah

Vinayaka, the reincarnated energy of Ganesha (Hindu God of intellect and wisdom) is often called upon when a worshiper is starting a new endeavor. Be it the start of a new school semester, a new relationship or even a new year, Ganesha mantras are excellent for opening up the heart and mind to new possibilities thus in turn helping us find the courage and strength we need to be successful.

Mantra from Yoga Journal Magazine - February 2007, page 20.

Ms. GD’s Best Kept Secrets Revealed!

I have a secret, a great, big beautiful secret! In the grand scheme of things this secret might seem rather trivial and I might seem very immature for holding on to it so dearly but to me it’s one of the most awesomeist things to happen to me in my short, uneventful life!

Unfortunately I can’t tell you a damn thing about it. I know, I know! You’re screaming at your computer screen and flipping me the bird right now. How dare you, you fume, set us up like that? Well I would love to tell you, my Beloved Readers, but if I do I’ll totally blow my cover! You see, there is a chance that the um – person – involved in my secret reads this blog and if said “person” does then this person will know that I am me which will completely shatter the carefully constructed alter ego I’ve spent the last two years cultivating! I mean, the whole point of an alter ego is so I can, as Daddy Diva used to say, act a plume seed fart ass, without fear of retribution!

So because I have this incredible secret that I can’t share with you I’ve decided to divulge another juicy and equally embarrassing secret I’ve been hiding for the past several months. Once upon a time, when I’d completely lost my mind over Wentworth Miller (AKA The Pretty) I let galaxyMafia convince me that it would be a good idea to write him a letter. It took me a long while to come around to the idea, after all, fan mail is for pathetic losers and I’m really cool! No seriously! I AM!

So I wrote the stupid letter and here it is in its entirety:

February 4, 2006

Dear Mr. Miller,

I know it’s cliché to begin a letter with “I’ve never done this before…” but in this case it’s true. I’ve never written a celebrity and I feel straight ig’nant doing so. I even contemplated using an assumed name but then I thought that was just plain silly. If I’m going to intentionally embarrass myself by turning into the most dreaded of all creatures – Squealing Fan Girl – then I should at least have the courage of my convictions and use my real name. Right?

I’m writing to you because I am in desperate need of information – about you! Everyone who has had the pleasure of speaking with you always mentions how intelligent and thoughtful you are but somehow they never seem to ask you many intelligent or thoughtful questions.

I’ve noticed a pattern that goes something like this: The interviewer fawns a little and asks you about your current project. The interviewer fawns a little more, asks a few impertinent questions (Like how does it feel to be so gosh darned handsome and are you single…ugh!), and then fawns even more until you look embarrassed or bored. I’ve yet to discern which look is which but I must admit you have the best poker face ever!
So with your indulgence, this simple, unassuming, ingenuous Texas girl who has almost no journalistic credentials would like to ask you a few questions:

Music is very important in my life so for me, finding out what sort of music someone likes is one of the first steps in getting to know them (I’ve enclosed two discs of my favorites). What genres do you love and why? If you had to make a soundtrack for your life thus far what songs would be featured on it and why?

Much has been made of you studying English at university then pursuing acting. On the surface there might seem to be no correlation between acquiring an English degree then flipping that into an acting career but I disagree. To grow as a human being one most constantly seek new challenges. Was the idea of committing yourself to something almost completely out of your original field of study part of the charm? What career would you choose if the entertainment industry was not an option and why?

I heard a clip of you singing and you have a lovely voice! Have you ever considered musical theater? What character or characters from a classic Broadway show would you like to play and why?

Many multiethnic actors have been featured on the covers of black publications (Halle Berry, Terrence Howard, and Mariah Carey to name only three) and in other black oriented media but I’ve yet to see you on the cover of Ebony or listed as one of the “Hottest Bachelors” in Essence Magazine for example. Do you feel you’re being ignored by the African American community and if so, why?

In your senior thesis you wrote about gender identity in a white male, patriarchal society. Why did you choose to explore the works cited in your thesis as opposed to say “Madame Bovary”, “The Awakening” or even “The Bluest Eye”?

Are you aware that there is an online church dedicated to the fabulousness that is you? It’s called The First Church Of Wentworth Miller (www.fcowm.com) and it is very interesting to say the least. So much lust concentrated in one place is exceptional! What do you think of this sort of unfettered devotion?

Have you considered dating Gabrielle Union? She’s single now. [Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge.]

And finally, one fan girl question – Is Dominic Purcell as magnificent in person as he appears to be on television! [Insert fan girl squeal here]

I understand if your schedule is too demanding to write back right away so if calling me is easier my number is 713-555-5555. Have a wonderful day and enjoy your time off!

Cordially,
Me

So did Mr. Miller reply? HELL TO THE NO! But I did receive a lovely autographed picture, which until now has been safely crumpled up in the trunk of my car under my dirty sneakers, laundry detergent and empty Diet Dr. Pepper bottles!



Don’t you want me baby? Don’t you want me…Oooooooooohhhhhh!

So last Sunday was Mama Diva’s birthday and I decided to make her a special birthday dinner. I sojourned to my local Whole Foods to pick up the ingredients and got a little more than I bargained for.

I’d done most of my shopping when I passed by the flower shop. While I was trying to decide if I’d buy Mama Diva a bouquet, the young lady behind the counter asked me if I needed some assistance. At first I said, not even looking up, that I was just looking. But then a particularly pretty bunch caught my eye and I decided to get them. When I looked up I say the prettiest young woman I’d seen in a long…LONG…time! As I recall this story I wonder if my eyes popped out of my head when I say her because, I kid you not Dear Readers, she was just that pretty! How pretty you ask? Well allowing for individual taste I’d say she was a solid 9 out of 10! She was a bit taller than me, about 5 feet, 6 inches, slim but not skinny, dark brown skin, huge brown eyes, and lots of natural hair. I can’t remember if her hair was twisted, dreaded or just curly [I couldn’t stop staring at her face!] but it was black and really strong and healthy looking and I like that! Oh and she had beautiful white teeth too!

Anyway, she asked me what flowers I wanted and I pointed to a few eclectic looking bunches, asking about the prices. She told me the prices then out of the blue said, You smell good. Is that you or your hair?. So I just smiled and said that it was probably my hair because I’d just washed it. So we’re just sort of standing there smiling at each other (I thought we looked more than a little like idiots) so I indicate that I’d made up my mind about a particular bunch. Then, and this is the kicker Dear readers, she leans in and literally sniffs me! In the most obvious way imaginable! Like we were Pumas! And then she made that “mmmmmmmm” sound and sort of narrowed her eyes a little bit! And did I mention she was leaned in close as well as standing on her toes?!?

Needless to say I was taken aback! Oh what to do, what to damn do! Well I did the only thing I could do in this situation; I ignored it. Or at least pretended to ignore it because really, how could I ignore such an obvious mating ritual? So we settled on two interesting mixes of flowers and she asked me to give her ten minutes while she put the two together. After that I walked around the store trying to comprehend what had just happened. Was she coming on to me? Was she just being friendly? Had my self-imposed relationship exile made me insane and led me to hallucinate the whole scene? And why did I have such an unwelcome, fluttery feeling in my belly?

After about five minutes I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to get home and cook and put this exciting but somewhat nightmarish incident to bed! When I got back to the flower shop she was just finishing my bouquet so I silently thanked God for that. She very sweetly informed me that she’d added four roses and I tried not to take it personally because I had, after all, told her that the flowers were for my mother and not me. While she was wrapping the bouquet I noticed her nametag. You will never guess her name so I’ll just tell you – Sunshine! Damn. She couldn’t have had a more perfect name. And as you can imagine, I thanked her kindly and ran like the freakin’ wind!

So did I totally miss the boat? Was she really even hitting on me? I can never tell when women are hitting on me. It’s so much easier with men because they drool and pant and use bad double entendres and grab you with their filthy, greasy paws! Women are much more subtle and sinister. Ah well, it’s not like I’m going to go back and see her on the pretext of buying more flowers! No Ms. GD has made a vow of no more dating – dating of any kind – and I will stand by that vow. Besides, women are crazy! If something did jump off I’d only find myself clavicle deep in Lesbian Drama and I been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt! But still I can’t help but wonder…

California Randomness On Such A Winter’s Day

Well my Christmas trip to Cali is dunzo but the magical memories live on! Families and Holidays are not two great tastes that taste great together but we continue to put them together because…we like being tortured? Actually I’m exaggerating a bit because I always enjoy myself when I visit Brother Diva and Sister-in-law Diva. But Sister-in-law Diva’s family mixed with Mama Diva is another story all together…

Over The Hills and Through the Tunnel To The City of Angels We Go

As I’ve written before my brother lives in Northern Cali and has done so almost half (if not more) of his life. Unfortunately, the rigors of work and raising a family haven’t given him much of a chance to explore Los Angeles. As luck would have it he was off from work until the first of the year so he was able to ride with me, Mama Diva and Niece and Nephew Diva, to LA for an adventure. We had originally wanted to find an activity that all of us could enjoy but the kids are teenagers so the only thing they could think to do was walk around Universal Studios. Mama Diva likes to get her party on but walking around all day ain’t gonna cut it with her arthritis so we decided to just make the drive to LA and try to decide on something when we got there.

We took the scenic route, The Pacific Coast Highway, and of course I was driving. Let me just say that I do not like driving PCH. I don’t like driving in LA period but PCH has way too many S-Curves, like one right after the other, with steep hills one right after the other and mountains looming on either side of you and Houston is as flat as a pancake and I am just not used to that shizz! But yet and still I am constantly made to drive and suffer through the craziness that is the Cali driver! It must be the year-round warm weather because it is constantly vehicle mating season in that town! All the tailgating always astounds me! And if you want to get over you have to barge in, thus completely stopping traffic, to signal to the driver in the next lane that you intend to get over! I could go on and on Dear Readers but I think you get the picture. Anyway, we decided to go to Bergamot Station but we got lost because I wasn’t familiar with the way we drove in (I usually take the 101) but we eventually found it and we walked around there a bit. The kids were bored out of their minds, especially Niece Diva. I swear the look on her face was pure Abu Ghraib!

We wanted to go to one of our favorite restaurants, Campanile , but we weren’t dressed appropriately so we decided on Pink’s because it was a place neither of us had ever been. If you’re ever in LA you must stop at Pink’s because it is truly fabulous! Sure you’ll gain 10 pounds by just being in the place but it will be the best 10 pounds you ever gained! And when you’re having that heart attack because of your clogged arteries you’ll lovingly lick the chili from your lips as you slip peacefully into the great beyond with the taste of that chili cheese dog still lingering on your tongue! While driving there I noticed the LA County Museum was having a René Magritte exhibit. Oh happy day! Magritte is one of my favorite surrealist painters and I made a mental note to head back to the LACMA (Brother Diva in tow) to see the exhibit. After stuffing our faces we headed back home, overfed and happy…well at least the adults were happy. The youngins were just so happy to be liberated from Bergen-Belsen that they fairly leapt from the car when I pulled into the driveway!

The next day it was decided that Mama Diva would spend the day with Sister-in-law Diva, which would give Bro and I some time to bond. The plan was to head back to LA, check out the LACMA and make it to Campanile for dinner. I was really excited about this because he’d never been to the LACMA and he’d never seen a Magritte up close. It was such a treat to see this museum, which I’d been to many times before, through his eyes! He got to be very adult and talk about art and how that art made him feel. And he’d never seen a Picasso in person so I was there to share that experience with him too, which made me very happy! At dinner it was more of the same, talking about wines and cheeses and all that fancy shmancy shizz long married people with kids rarely get a chance to do. I got to hear all about his job, family and his opinions on life in general; the good and the bad, and he got a chance to vent. Fun times ya’ll!

The Children’s Christmas Program of Doom, The Cake That Would Not Be Baked and Other Tales Of Horror

Our objective was to bake one German Chocolate cake (Bro’s favorite, from scratch) for Brother Diva’s birthday. We thought we had it all figured out but we were far too smug in our cake baking abilities. Also, we underestimated the power of Sister-in-law Diva’s mother. The diabolical one who shall henceforth be called Madame X!

The plan was this: Wake up Sunday morning and leave the house by 8:30am so as to make it to the children’s Christmas program by 9am. Mama Diva would stay for the rest of the church service while I left to start baking. By the time she got back the cake would be cooled so she could make the coconut and pecan icing, ice the cake, and serve it to my brother and the rest of the family while we sang happy birthday. Sounds simple right? Well this is what actually happened:

Mama Diva and I offered to take Madame X to church Sunday morning (She’s elderly and doesn’t drive) so Sister-in-law Diva could concentrate on getting the kids and herself to church as the kids were “on program” as the old folks say. At 8:30am Mama Diva and I were ready but Madame X was still in her housecoat, cooking dinner! At about 8:45am she informed us that she wasn’t going to the Christmas program…at 8:45am! Now the church isn’t very far away but we don’t like rushing so we were understandably pissed! Mama Diva was REALLY pissed ‘cause that’s just how she is but she kept yappin’ about it all the way to church, which didn’t help matters!

As usual, all the children did an excellent job. Especially the little ones with their Christmas speeches – it was cuteness wrapped in sweetness nestled inside adorable ya’ll! So at 10am I hightailed it out of there and headed back to Madame X’s house. What should I find when I opened the door? Madame X’s other daughter baking up a storm and using the ingredients I’d sat out! Now it was my turn to be REALLY pissed! You see, we’d told Madame X that we’d planned to bake the cake and that I was coming home after the 9am service to do the baking. At no time did she mention her daughter would be starting her own bakery from her mother’s kitchen! After some deep breaths and a few bars of Om Shanti Shanti, I called Brother Diva, waking from a deep sleep of course, and asked him if I could come over to his house, changed my clothes, took what was left of my ingredients and made like the proverbial banana and split!

As you can imagine, I was spewing volcanic ash when I got to my brother’s house. I told him all about the last minute change in church plans and the miscommunication with Madame X and his sister-in-law. The conversation was as follows:

Him: So did you cuss her (his sister-in-law) out? [Grinning like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth]
Me: What? No! But I wanted too! I just figured she isn’t a blood relation so she’d have less incentive to keep talking to me if I pissed her off…
Him: [laughs]
Me: Seriously, I don’t understand these people sometimes! I told Madame X I’d be baking you a damn birthday cake! Why didn’t she tell me what was going on?
Him: Now you understand what I’ve been going through for the last 18 years…

Once I’d settled down, borrowed spare ingredients from Brother Diva and set everything up, I noticed I’d forgotten one ingredient so I had to go back to the House of Bakery Horror and get it. After I got back I discovered that Mama Diva, in her infinite wisdom, had placed the recipe in her purse! Not to worry, your intrepid baker went online and retrieved it. But wait! Brother Diva’s hand mixer is busted (Natch) so off he goes to buy another one! While he’s gone I make myself busy with egg separating, pecan pulverizing and playing with my brother’s beautiful doggie Naima the Basenji .

Now remember, I’d left Madame X’s house about 10:30am. It was after 1pm and I hadn’t even started that damn cake! By then Mama Diva had finally made it back from church – Yes that’s right, she’d been sitting in church for almost FOUR freakin’ hours – and she was not pleased to say the least! A typical church service for us lasts 1 hour, 2 hours tops for Christmas and Easter services! So I went back to Satan’s Sweet Shoppe and picked her and the cake recipe up and drove back to my brother’s house to start the cake. The two of us baked the hell out of that cake and it was fun watching my brother turn into a little boy, licking the beaters and the bowl! We even sang happy birthday to him as he blew out his candle. And that candle! My mother found an “Over the Hill” candle shaped like a tombstone that played the Death March. A barrel of laughs is my sweet mother!

After the mini-celebration we headed back to Madame X’s Torte Torture Chamber for we had been summoned, under penalty of extreme annoyance, to come and partake of the meal she had so fiendishly prepared! The night passed peacefully enough but Christmas morning brought with it fresh horror! [Insert evil laugh]

So it’s Christmas morning and we’re all chillin’. Madame X is banging around in the kitchen and Mama Diva and me are doing our own thing. The phone rings and it’s Sister-in-law Diva, she wants me and the mother to come over for dinner. We both think this a little odd because that would mean we’d have two Christmas dinners but we didn’t complain. We just packed up the pressies and headed out to the brother’s house. Dinner was really nice and the five of us (the Niece was getting her hair did at Madame X’s house. Don’t ask!) had a grand old time. I even took Naima out for a walk around the neighborhood. We met one of the neighbors; the conversation was as follows:

Me:[to Naima] Say hello!
Neighbor: Hello!
Me:Wow! I was talking to the dog but you are very obedient!

So after the walk we all headed back to Madame X’s house (except for Little Miss Naima) for Christmas Part 2. Me and the mother headed to our rooms to pack and get ready for bed because we had an extra early flight the next morning. While I was chatting to galaxyMafia on the phone my brother walked in and informed me that I needed to move my belongings to my mother’s room. I said ok and continued to gab. About two minutes later Mama Diva flung open the door and told me to move my ass so I hung up the phone and got to steppin’! Apparently Madame X had invited a relative to stay the night and my mother thought it was silly to have two old ladies sleep in the same bed when the two us were leaving so early in the morning. Well Madame X didn’t want me to move but Mama Diva insisted so we changed the sheets and I moved all my shizz into the spare room.

After all the un-Christmas like exertion I really was exhausted and decided to turn in. While I was dozing off I heard Mama Diva yelling and soon after she came busting into the room we now shared. As you can imagine I was concerned so I asked her what all the hollin’ was all about. She said she’d tried to explain to Madame X that is made no sense to have two people in a bed when we were leaving in the morning but Madame X wouldn’t listen and blah…blah…blobity BLAH! I tried to calm her down by explaining that Madame X never listens to anyone, even her own children, but Mama Diva wasn’t hearing it! So then I tried to explain that yelling at your son’s mother-in-law in front of the in-laws and the grandchildren, probably wasn’t the best way to foster goodwill between the families. Besides, we were heading home and Brother Diva had to stay there and live with the repercussions of that shizz!

Logic and reason prevailed (but just barely) and Mama Diva apologized to the in-laws, the grandchildren and her son. And I was finally able to get the hell to sleep seeing as how I was going to have to drive our asses to LAX in the morning! The flight back was packed and there were the usual annoyances like crying babies, inconsiderate passengers and tight seating but we made it back in one piece. THE END…Or is it? [Insert evil laugh]

And one last thought…

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler. – Henry David Thoreau

Well Dear Readers, I’ve blown my expository wad! Was it as good for you as it was for me? I know this post was long, rambling and pointless but at least you have the satisfaction of knowing your life isn’t as pathetic as mine. And really, isn’t that what blogging is all about? – GD