OK, peep this. . .
Y'all know that life would be so much better, and people would have a lot less strife and strain if they would just ask galaxyMafia but, alas. . .

THEY AIN'T ASK ME SO. . .(Part I)

In this series, galaxyMafia will expound and extrapolate upon various topics that she was not, through no fault of her own, asked to opine or scrutnize.

Check out the photo of Leo and GiGi. . .don’t they look like they want to raise up outta that
bee-otch. . .?

Now, I suppose you could beg to differ (but, really, do ya want to go there? Ya know how much more clever I am) and say that, as a model, GiGi understands how to position her body for the most effective (dazzling, gorgeous) shot. The gal do know how to model. She’s been on more magazine covers than any other mannequin and she’s got enough chedda to keep her constipated way into the afterlife. Thus, she may have hooked Leo DiC up with a clue. But, I think they was trying to get the hell away from each other. Both of them look like they’d rather been getting a colonoscopy (without lubrication) in public instead of standing next to each other, pretending that they’re in love. It’s clear and tumultuously obvious that GiGi was doing Leo a favor by showing up as arm candy for him. See, those in the know happen to know that Leo DiC is a bit rutti, tutti, fresh ‘n fruity (go IHOP, it’s ya birthday!) and GiGi came to lend him some “straight” cred.

OK, for those of you useless romantics out there (and ya know who ya are), who actually believed that the bombshell and the Nicholson doppleganger were in the throes of a committed, passionate relationship, for those who didn’t realized that he was “acting” and she was “posing”, I’ll tell you why they broke up. . .

They didn’t have a pathetically ridiculous nickname. In this age of Bennifer, Brangelina and Vaniston and Bennifer II, a celebrity couple’s shelf life depends largely on the way their names look and sound fused together. If a couple can’t stop being two distinct, separate functioning identities with their own individual ideas, dreams, plots, plans and diabolical schemes, then truly, they don’t stand a snowballs chance in East Texas (and neither do you, pardner, if you happen to be of a certain milk chocolate persuasion. Keep yer nose clean and beware the Ford F-350!)

The contract expired. Yes, yes. . .call me anti-Cupid but, ‘tis true! When super sexy GiGi burst on the scene, Leo said, fastidiously, “Hmmm. . .let’s see, if I hook up with Gisele, then maybe those pesky gay rumors will just go away. . .? Tobey, whatdaya think, hon?” So, our plucky Leo set about to meet the Victoria’s Secret gem. Obviously, GiGi knew he was on the DL, even if he looked nothing like J.L. King, and probably politely informed him where to get off. In Portuguese. But, Leo was probably nothing if not tenacious and clever. He present GiGi with one thing that would warm her heart and melt her resolve: a contract! “Oh Leo,” GiGi probably exclaimed, in a Brazilian accent thinker than duche de leche. “You have me at ‘for consideration of’. . .!”**

Tobey Maguire. I can’t remember what movie these two charming lads stared in together (and I don’t feel like going to the ImbD website to look it up) but, when they did, something magical happened, and now the boys are like Siamese twins, inseparable!
Fer sure, Tobey was probably slightly amused by Leo’s interest in GiGi, at first, after all, Mr. Maguire can appreciate superior eye candy but, make no mistake. Tobey fancies himself coming first in his best bud’s life, and no doubt hipped GiGi to the jive. “If you know what is beneficial for you, you Brazilian whore” the “Seabuscuit” thespian probably said, “you would do good never to dare usurp my position in Leo’s life!”

Gisele’s wavering support. When asked why she went to the 2004 Oscars with Leo DiC, GiGi responded, “I figured I should go and support my man so I went there just for that reason.”. Two things wrong with this seemingly pretty picture, folks. First, if some one has to ask you why you went with your man to perhaps one of the biggest events in his squat, little life, then you know there’s a problem. If the guy’s your man and you’re down for him, the “why” should be obvious. The fact that GiGi reason’s for accompanying Leo had to be explained signal a problem. I mean, cue the Soothsayer and beware the damn Ides of March, okaaay? Second, GiGi said she “figured” she “should” go? What the fudge? If she had to “figure”, meaning she had to sit down and weigh the pros and cons, it is clear that she wasn’t all trip the light fantastic about going. Then she figured she “should” go. . .as in, I don’t want to be off up in there but, I guess I should seeing as I am still under contract and thangs!” Wonder if her arm was bruised when Leo twisted it?

**For you none legal beagles, “consideration” means money. See there, I did learn something at that evil oil and gas empire I used to toil at as a highly dispensable cog!

Alas, thou canst stick a fork in Leo and Gisele. They is done! Rumor has it Leo is chatting up that moon faced KiKi Dunst. Wonder what Jake Gilly thinks about that? On second thought, I probably don’t!

Instead of my usual recapping of celebrity pseudo-events, I’d like to rant about something entirely different dear reader. The last few comments I’ve received (all from “Bob”) have been quite salty indeed and Ms. GD simply can not sit on her neatly manicured hands any longer! Now let me preface this by saying…Bob…that the following open letter has almost nothing to do with you so don’t go getting your panties in a twist and sending me all sorts of nasty little emails and comments. Okay pookie pants? To paraphrase Carly Simon (translation: misquote), you’re so [lame], I bet you think this post is about you! (Giggle, snicker, guffaw)

Are you ready dear reader? It’s time to play…SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS with your host, GLAMOUR DIVA! [Insert canned cheers, applause, and calls for Ms. GD’s immediate appointment to Queen of the United States]…

My Dear Male Subjects,

Why oh why do you persist in reaching beyond your grasp? And why must you always give women the emotional bitch slap when they try to do the same? What I’m writing about gentlemen is the age old quandary of why men think they are entitled to any woman they desire and why women are repeatedly made to settle for less! Just who the frig do you think you are? I mean really! Read this very carefully gentlemen. Print it out and place it right next to that moldy condom you've been keeping in your wallet because you will certainly need to refer to it on occasion. What you are about to read are the hitherto unspoken and unpublished rules for mating with the female of the species:

1. “To thine own self be true” – Know what you REALLY want. If you only like Asian women then for pity’s sake don’t bother the black/white/Latino ones! If you only like thin women then for the love of Mike, don’t so much as speak to the fat ones! And if you only like young tender chickens then mercy, mercy me leave the geriatric patients the hell alone! We all have an innate sense of what turns us on and what turns us completely the frig off so listen to what your heart and mind is telling you and don’t let “society” tell you any different cause we all know she’s a nosey heifer!

2. “Start with the man in the mirror” – Yes it’s cruel but we all know who the ugly ass people are and they know it too! If you know you’re a troll then embrace your troll-ness (Now when I say troll I mean troll! Not cute, cuddly garden gnome or kindly elf or fuzzy footed Hobbit but T.R.O.L.L.! If you still aren’t sure then keep this handy image in mind…garden gnome=Tony Blair, Troll=Alan Greenspan).

3. “No romance without finance” – If you’ve discovered that you’re a troll then be prepared to spend some money! Even if you find another troll mate you are still gonna have to spend some dough so baby get used to it (Just because your woman is ugly doesn’t mean she can’t do any better than your ugmo butt)! The amount of money you spend will always rise in direct response to how physically unattractive you are so if you can frighten Quasimodo then you better have more cheese than the Sultan of Brunei!

4. “Diversify” – If you can’t beat’em…do something else! Admittedly, not everyone on the planet can be filthy rich or as pretty as Paul Walker (no one is as pretty as Paul Walker!) so if you aren’t one of the previous, here are other things you can do/be:

a) Smart-Not just cleaver but mondo intelligent like Jonas Salk, Nikola Tesla, Blaise Pascal or Charles Babbage. Women (especially Ms. GD) dig smarties!

b) Nice-That’s right guys; it really works! If you have impeccable manners, love your mother, are kind to animals, and don’t talk to women like they just grew a tail then they will dig you. It might take her a while to see past the sparkling blue of Paul Walker’s eyes, or the quadruple threat of Tiki and Ronde Barber’s biceps but yes she will eventually see you and she will be pleased!

c) Casanova Incarnate- Please don’t turn this section into a license to be a cad (See letter b)! Just because you think you could sweet talk the panties off Claire of Assisi doesn’t mean you should. But there is something to be said about the ability to lay pipe and lay it well. The one thing to remember, the one thing that most men forget is that not all women are alike. This means that just because activity “A” made Peggy’s toes curl does not mean that the same activity will make BunKeisha’s toes curl. In fact, it just might piss her off so if I were you I’d ask her first! Now, I suggest you get several sex books (BOOKS! Not porno magazines!), read them, take notes, talk to women openly and honestly about sex (don’t try to screw them! Damn! Just Talk! You know, like you do with your boys and ugly women?), stop masturbating for a while (Just trust me on this one please), and take your time!

5. “No friggin means no!” – If you are unwilling or unable to do any of the previous, then leave us all the hell alone! Please don’t blow up our cell/home phones, buy us gifts, send us shout outs over the radio or stalk us! We don’t want you. Go away and stop begging for a bone like the dirty, flea infested dog you are! How would you feel if an ugly woman kept riding your ass? That’s right! That is precisely how we feel! By George I think he’s got it!

I know this seems harsh and rude as all get out but it has to be said because men lie! You say you want Marie Curie, Naomi Campbell, and Mother Teresa all rolled into one but what you really want is an even more vapid version of Naomi Campbell (Or Amber Valletta or Giselle Bundchen or who the frig ever!) to gap her legs for you whenever YOU want her to and to never speak until she’s spoken to!

Maybe, just maybe, after you’re ancient and you’ve run through most of the women in the Western Hemisphere, you’ll start to think about how you’ve wasted your life on wine, women and song and how now you’d like a true companion and a couple of kids but guess what? The women who fit the description are also ancient with dried up ovaries and the young women with moist, succulent ovaries…let me hear you say it baby…WON’T WANT AN OLD TROLL LIKE YOU! Scary ain’t it?

And now back to your regularly scheduled program …GD