“Bored now. This is the part that's less fun. When there isn't any screaming.” – Willow in “The Wish” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

What’s my “wish”? That the thrill ride that was Super 14 2005 would return and wake me from my Sleeping Beauty like slumber. Or, if that’s too tall an order for the rugby gods to fill, I request that they kick South Africa, Australia and New Zealand in the ass and out of their Snow White like repose so I can, to quote Madonna, justify my love of this game! Jeez Louise I don’t think I can take much more of this! And I thought the World Cup was lame? At least there was a shock ending (AB’s losing in the quarterfinals), questionable coiffures (Michalak’s flocked wallpaper hair and Tonga not being allowed to die their hair green) and rags to riches performances (Argentina and Fiji) to break the monotony! But this tired shit here…I think I’m gonna take a page from Piri Weepu and Ma’a Nonu’s coloring book and threaten to switch to League if the level of play doesn’t get any damn better. Seriously Dear Readers…UGH!



The following are a list of old stories I found utterly preposterous but never got around to posting because of my serious lack of gumption so enjoy! – GD

Jesus Take The Wheel!
I know this is old news but it bears repeating…
Shut Up Jerry! And further more, kiss my black media ass! Stop whining like a bitch and play! If you don’t want the media in your business then stop playing rugby. That’s all there is to it really, become an anonymous, boring citizen or be a man and suck it up!

You can’t handle the rugby you have now!
Australia wants an expanded Super Rugby franchise which is great for them but unless they spike New Zealand’s water supply with Zoloft, give all the players adamantium skeletons and delete the Air New Zealand Cup from the rugby calendar, this shit will never fly! But who knows, some folk want this and some don’t so we’ll see if John O'Neill gets his way.

Do these men have parents or did they sprout up out of a landfill?
This is just so sad. The fact that this type of shit is needed says way more about our sporting culture as a whole then about the players individually. And this guy agrees with me! But I love this quote though:

The point the AFL is trying to make is that young men come into football and they go from the year before not being able to get a date for the social to suddenly half the nightclubs throwing themselves at them.

Indeed (I hope you’re reading this Nonu…)! But if this is what it takes to keep their asses out of court and free of STI’s then so be it! Can we get this program in the US?

The AFL should send a free DVD to this guy!
Poor Leroy Houston. Read his sad tale of ignorance, inexperience and stupidity. Then weep for his banishment to the worst team in Australia.

And I thought the Bulls' Cheerleaders were skanks!
Call me old fashioned, call me a prude but there’s just no cause for all this boobage, public stripping off of clothing and booty shorts (lingerie!) that barely cover the pubis as well as the crack of the ass! The Shark’s cheerleaders are on some straight hoochie shit fo reals yo! These South African folk are a trip!



And In 6 Nations News…
They won't be able to tell Gatland nothing now!
WALES WON! WALES WON! WALES WON! Charlotte Church and her boobs came out to support her man, Gavin Henson, and everybody had a grand old time! YAY!

Now instead of blowing all that tournament money on booze and prostitutes (Cause you know that’s what they’re gonna do), the whole Welsh National Team should head down to their local cosmetic surgeon/dentist/hairstylist and finally get all that tremendous fug worked on! Seriously!

Have you seen these guys? Save for one man, they all look like they fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! Is busted-upness a prerequisite for playing on the team? It would seem so according to their current roster of Quasimodo’s!

There are some beautiful people in Wales but this team…Lord this team…is sooooo not reflective of that fact! As the folk over in the UK say…bless their little cotton socks!

And finally…
Why was this fool on that show in the first place? But still, nothing can be as embarrassing as being a rugby star with fat paper stacks and still living at home with your mother! I don’t care if your crib is worth a cool £1million; your MOTHER is in the house with you which, last time I checked, was enough to get you banned from the Ballers and Shot Callers Club for life!

In this episode The Sushi Girls™ give the “Green Light” to their apathy towards the Super 14! Experience the ennui as your girls: chat about Jonah Lomu’s “Lame Report”, ponder the possibilities of a Sione Lauaki without genitals, guess what flavor the teat milk of various players would be if they had teat milk, suffer Glamour Diva’s advice to UK soccer WAGs and boppers worldwide, chew over the fooliwang that is Piri Weepu’s new hairstyle, testify to the savagery of Conrad Smith’s orthodontia, calculate galaxyMafia’s mathematical Match Report, encounter the fug that is Chris Masoe and his stupid facial expressions, cheer the return of the ubiquitous Nonu Cam and much, much more!

Podcast Further Information

Alexyss K. Tylor

Richard "Dimples" Fields

The Song of Hiawatha by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Bergamot and Sulfur 8 Hair Dressing

Renaldo "Skeets" Nehemiah

Xaviera Hollander

Iceberg Slim

Tooth Disorders

Beyonce – Green Light


Body Head Bangerz – I Smoke, I Drank


Now without further ado, this week's podcast…



Chiefs Vs. Hurricanes – Commentary recorded Friday, February 29

If the player doesn't work click here.

If you'd like to watch this game while listening to our commentary you may download it at Media Zone . Click on The Rugby Channel then choose the appropriate game.

Hate it or love it we want to hear from YOU! Send all your complements, questions, suggestions, and complaints to Ms. GD and gM at the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com. If we really dig your comments we’ll give you a shout out during the next podcast!

Smooches,
Glamour Diva and galaxyMafia

In this episode The Sushi Girls™ party like it’s “Space: 1999” in honor of the return of the Super 14! Giggle with glee as your girls cheer the return of the wonderful Waratahs and their warrior ways, explore Tialata’s apparent genetic predisposition for being a fat ass, introduce galaxyMafia’s new Celebrity Impersonation Match Report, analyze the plight of the Aborigine people, confer about why NZ rugby players conceal their spouses from public view and why they’d never get away with that in the US, consider the continuing horribleness of the Hurricanes hairstyles, ponder Glamour Diva’s peculiar elation at the return of Jason Eaton, chew over the bountifulness of no-neck jokers on the Waratahs side, discuss the ever-present Nonu Cam and the impracticality of owning a Nonu in the first place, the Nesian’s continued infatuation with blond hair dye and buckets of KFC, chat about Piri Weepu’s “Lame Report” and much, much more!

Podcast Further Information

Those (seemingly) invincible gods of rugby (the ALL BLACKS) may have been knocked off their (lopsided) pedestal by a plague of frogs but the boyz of the Air New Zealand Cup (ANZC) are puttin’ it down, and getting’ it done. . .

. . .without JC, Masoe or Neemia Tialata
. . .without the robot Dan Carter, or the over-rated “el capitan” Richie McCaw
. . .without da big Tongan, or the flyin’ Fijians
. . .without the ragin’ alcoholic Ali Williams, the holier-than-thou Mealamu or Lukey “thunder thighs” McAlister
. . .without Woodcock, Carl “da Maori” Hayman or Greg “I-never-should-have-been-here-in-the-first-place” Somerville

Ma’a, Piri, John Afoa, Anesi, Jimmy Goperth, Troy Flavell, Mose Tuiali’i, et al are blowin’ up da spot. . .AND. . .they’re doing it WITHOUT “da black jersey”. . .

So, in the spirit of Mike Jones, the AB rejects can proudly say. . .

“Graham Henry didn’t want me
I’m playin’ good
He shouldna scorned me”












copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia

The Sushi Girls Need Your Help!

You love gossip and we love bringing it to you but we can’t do it alone! So we’re putting the call out to all our Dear Readers in New Zealand, Australia and Europe and asking you to help us make our blog, nay YOUR blog, better for you! We want to deputize a few hundred or so “Moles” to go out there, get the gossip and bring it in dead or alive for our new rugby themed celebrity gossip podcast – Caught Out There with The Sushi Girls! What’s in it for me you ask? Well other than our love and appreciation you get the thrill of calling out your favorite player and putting his business on blast all over the Internet!

We do have a few rules though and they are as follows:

• When you send us the gossip, either through email of Skype, please include your real name and the real name of the player you’re reporting on. We won’t use your name but we need it just the same.
• All gossip will be presented as Blind Items. We can’t use real names because that would be slander which is illegal in most countries.
• If you have photographs we’ll use them but they must be your property! Taking personal photos from someone without their express consent is stealing and illegal in most countries.
• And last but most importantly...we’d prefer your gossip be true or at least have the ring of truth about it. We understand if you have an axe to grind with a particular player but out and out lies, no matter how salacious and juicy, are just cruel and The Sushi Girls are honest…never cruel.
  

Well. . .galaxyMafia is sure she doesn't have to tell you that Graham "Ted" Henry picked his RWC team. . .here's the link, read it for ya damn self: http://yahooxtra.net.nz/rugby/0,,14661-7662735,00.html



One notable inclusion. . .our very own "Sexy" Sione Lauaki. . .I think it's funny that Ted relegated him to the Junior ABs and yet picked him for the WC. . .to me, it seems Ted was letting Mr. Lauaki know where he stands in the pecking order, and I'm sure Ted would rather have picked Mose Tuiali'i to back up Rodney "Release these people" So'oialo and that punk b!tch Chris Masoe.

BUT, Mose sucked wet cat fur this season and Ted had no other choice. . .we will see if Lauaki gets any playing time. . .

Lauaki seemed surprised to be picked, as well. Indeed, on the team pic, he looked rather bewildered. . .then again, I'm sure most things (like multiplication and correct subject-verb agreement) confound and amaze Wax so it wasn't too surprising. Still, you have to wonder what he will do with his hair now that he's going to the big dance.

Anyway. . .congrats Sione. . .ya got what ya prayed for. . .hope it makes ya happy and keeps ya out of tha fetal position at night.





One notable exclusion. . .Piri "Junk in tha trunk" Weepu.
Quelle surprise!! WOW!!! The guy who thinks of Graham Henry as a "grandfather" got the red-hot shaft right in tha ass!! Ted picked Weepu for these past tests BUT told tha n!gga "to tha left, to tha left" when it came time to pick the scrum-half for WC. I suppose Piri is on "suicide watch" now that he's been tossed aside like an empty can of Hormel corned beef - after Tialata devoured the contents, of course!!

And one lemon. . .Isaia "Ice" Toeava. . .well, what can you say? Ted likes the cut of this n!gga's jibe and was itching to include him so. . .now you can scratch Ted. . .you can scratch all day. Hopefully, the other guys will be mindful of that lemon juice Toeava squirts. . .otherwise, it's gonna be a sad day in NZ when them candy asses don't bring home the trophy.




TIALATA NEWS. . .

For those who give a rat's ass (and it might only be White Chocolate), TIALATA has a bitch named SALLY who is very attentive and fixes him dinner - and of course, she doesn't have to write out a long, involved grocery list because we all know dat
n!gga loves his corned beef and taro. So, she doesn't know how to do Samoan dances well, and that peeves TIALATA but not enough to stop him from buying a house with her, or paying her Internet bill. SALLY wanted to give TIALATA a 25th birthday party but tha n!gga declined. Probably wanted to go Rarotonga for chicken and hos.

SALLY is the reason TIALATA didn't sign with that France team (if you care Chou Chou, that's the reason. . .I suspect you might not, though). TIALATA is planning to marry her and they'll have some half-Samoan kids and God bless 'em because they'll be doing what the Lord told them to do. . .unlike galaxyMafia who'll end up a barren, old hag. . .she'll be RICH but she'll be a barren, old hag so who will give a rat's ass. . .?

copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia is surprised she isn't more happy for Sione since she's always bitchin' about how Ted hates him. . .guess that's what turned her on. . .this tension and animosity between Ted and Wax. . .it helped GM to hate Ted and root for Wax but now the
n!gga is on the team so. . .ain't no need in crying for dat big Tongan mothafucka, is it?

copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia. . .would have you know these photos was taken June 17, 2007!

1 John Schwalger
2 Andrew Hore
3 Neemia Tialata
4 Paul Tito
5 Jason Eaton
6 Jerry Collins
7 Chris Masoe
8 Rodney So’oialo (capt)
9 Piri Weepu
10 Blair Stewart
11 Hosea Gear
12 Tana Umaga
13 Conrad Smith
14 Lome Fa’atau
15 Cory Jane

Is it just galaxyMafia, or does Colin Cooper’s Hurricanes lineup for the game against the Lions look like a Hurricanes lineup from Super 14 2006?

The six conditioning All Blacks just got back – Jerry Collins barely finished dying his hair, Chris Masoe was in the grocery store buying Wheatabix for Lara Heise, Piri Weepu just got his braids did, etc. – and already Cooper’s got them in the starting XV. "Get to tha pitch, niggas," Cooper might have said. "Drop whatcha doin' and report to tha pitch! Stat, nigga, stat!"

With this lineup, Cooper has admitted he is a desperate man, gasping for air, throwing it all up against the wall, and hoping something sticks. . .

The Hurricanes are at a crucial fork in the road to the Super 14 finals, and Cooper is no doubt feeling the pressure. After all, his predecessor (whose name galaxyMafia can’t remember, if she ever knew it and she’s too lazy to look it up) took the Hurricanes to the Finals where they played the Crusaders in the fog. Yeah, them bustas lost but, they went to the Finals.

To not make it to the semifinals at least would have Cooper looking like a goat. To piss off Jerry “The Hitman” Collins is a fate worse than having Tialata fall on you, and already, Collins is mad as hell about the Canes candy-ass performances. The boys have lost three in a row and if they lose again, Jerry says the season is pretty much over. And you know he called the guys together and told them he’d break his re-conditioned foot off in they a$$ if they don’t win this next game.

“I don’t want no scrub. . .a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love. . .”

Most of the Hurricanes’ scrubs have been sent packing, “. . .to tha left, to tha left. . .all ya crap from tha locker in a box to tha left. . .” and to some extent, it’s not surprising.

After all, many of the scrubs were just collecting a check. I mean, Nili Latu. . .? Did he even show up to the games? Did he play? Serge Lilo? What the hell did he do except stand around on the pitch scratching his ass? Tone Kopelani? Tim Fairbrother? Fair. . .who. . .?

“You’re a shining star. . .”

The stand-out exception to the scrubs: David Smith.

The Hurricanes were lucky to get this rare, natural talent. Every game, Smith gave his heart, soul, blood, sweat AND tears. He was always out there, goose stepping, making tries, earning his damn keep, yo. He didn’t start unnecessary fights (*cough* Tialata *cough*), never faked an injury so the loss of a game couldn’t be blamed on him (*cough* Nonu *cough) and the way he filled out his yellow jersey! As Ms. GD would say, “LAWD!”

But, was he appreciated for his efforts?

Well, David, this is how you know you are a F.O.B, okay?

For reasons that are known only to Colin Cooper and Co., David Smith was slashed from this week’s starting fifteen, and galaxyMafia thinks that just ain’t right. They didn’t even chose the boy for the reserves! You know somebody in the Canes organization is smoking trees when Serge Lilo and that eyesore Mahonri Schwalger get real estate on the bench.

“So, what happens now. . .?”

The question is. . .will the six returning All Blacks + Lome Fa’atau, 2006’s leading try-scoring and Wellington slut puppy, make a difference? Will less junk in the trunk help Piri “Wobble, wobble” Weepu? Will Rodney “Release these people!” So’oialo pull somebody’s leg the hell off? Will Chris “please take care of yo kids and leave them hos alone” Masoe be able to run without having an asthma attack?

galaxyMafia can only hope!

copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia hopes that whoever stole Mr. Tialata's hair gel and clippers please return them forthwith!