Negative turns to positive
If it's wrong do the opposite
What doesn't kill only makes you strong
Hustle hard and keep grinding on

'Cause I'm too blessed to be stressed
And I'm too fresh to be pressed

There's so much going on today
But I can't let it worry me
'Cause I'm too blessed to be stressed
Too Blessed - Kevin Michael

Another Thanksgiving is upon us and it’s looking and feeling very much like the last one. I won’t go into my feelings about celebrating this day but if you want to read what I wrote last year you may click here. The only thing I’ll say about it now is that today, for every American family partaking of turkey (liquid or fowl) there’s another Native American family in mourning. Having said that, let’s move on to the point of tonight’s entry…

I was going to write an entry about the pecking order of Polynesians called The Polynesian Hierarchy but I knew it was doomed when I realized the opening quote I’d picked was from George Orwell’s Animal Farm - ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL, BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS. Right. Like any of my Dear Readers gives a damn about George Orwell! No one cares about anything even remotely academic or political so why keep beating my head against the rugby wall? All our current Dear Readers care about is rugby and unfortunately I am currently not feeling it.

I think about some of the things I used to write about before I got tangled up in all this rugby and rugby podcasting stuff and I can’t help but wonder what the hell happened! I used to be really interested in the world and so introspective but now I just feel like one of those stupid girls I rag on all the time. I can’t take it. I need a break from all the silly! If I’m going to spend up to 16 weeks (Can Wellington make it all the way?) of my life covering Super 14 next year I need to take some time and regroup. You know, fortify myself for the upcoming foolishness.

Believe it or not Ms. GD has things to do like re-read Leaves of Grass, record poetry for Librivox, catch up on my Bollywood movies and watch old school Christmas specials like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and A Charlie Brown Christmas. So from now until February I’ll be doing my own thing in precisely the way I want to do it. But don’t despair, I’ll be silently lurking in the background, ready to pounce on any juicy gossip you might have. In fact, I’ve made a new email home just for rugby themed gossip: rugbygossip@yahoo.com. So save that address and keep it handy!

Okay…there’s a glass of chilled Sauvignon Blanc and a slice of homemade carrot cake waiting for me. Enjoy your winter holidays (Our Summer holidays if you live below the equator) and try not to eat too much or you’ll have nightmares. Bye!

Smooches,
Ms. GD

If my life were a movie, what would the soundtrack sound like? That is the question I asked myself a few weeks ago when I was sitting at my boring job questioning my existence instead of filing and typing and fending off the advances of several oversexed old men. I couldn’t include every song because that would be like millions of damn songs and anyway, iTunes doesn’t have many of the songs I love so this is really just part one. Maybe when I’m 70 I’ll do another iMix of part two? Wait a sec, the thought of me still writing for this blog at 70 is kind of depressing! Oh well Dear Readers…Smooches!



Note: You must have iTunes loaded on your computer before you can listen to the playlists. You don’t have to own a Mac Dear Readers; you only need the iTunes software. Dig it? Enjoy! – GD

Here we go ya’ll, one mo ‘gain with Sex and the Sushi’s year end best and worst list. Now with Extra Snark! Enjoy!

Movie

Best – The Devil Wears Prada
The book, a hematoma of bad writing billed as the "phenomenal New York Times bestseller" only got that title because Lauren Weisberger was dishing about brittle Vogue editor Anna "Nuclear Winter" Wintour. The movie however, doesn't suffer from mixed metaphors and dangling participles. A delightful comedy, it's an enchanting cautionary tale about bosses from hell and the ambitious young things who will never please them.

Worst – Running Scared
See galaxyMafia’s review

Television Show

Best – The Unit/Ugly Betty

The Unit – Dennis Haysbert leads the charge as Jonas "Snake Doc" Blaine, head of a team of elite soldiers who carry out dangerous secret missions for the US government. Sleek, clever and deadly, these guys always get the target right betwixt the eyes. Thankfully, though, there are no dapper 007s running amok here (though the boys do tidy up nicely when the mission calls for it). These government enhanced Alpha males drink domestic beer, spilt verbs and wouldn't be caught dead trying to neutralize the enemy with a Walther PPK. These guys don't get out of bed if they can't use SAMs (surface-to-air missiles - number one on any badass feminista’s wish list). But, the best part about them is that they're still afraid of their wives.

Ugly Betty – This show is about as perfect a show as you can get on network TV! All the wit and bite of other “insider” type shows with none of the stomach churning schmaltz of family shows like 7th Heaven and everything on ABC Family. And all of this is done with the sort of camp that slaps you upside the head then pushes you down into the hairdresser’s chair for a thorough and well overdue makeover! Also, who couldn’t love the beautiful, voluptuous America Ferrera? We first fell in love with her and her juicy, real woman sexiness in the movie Real Women Have Curves and that love has only blossomed and grown with every episode of this show!

Runner Up – Fashion House
See Glamour Diva’s review

Worst – We don’t have a worst TV show at this time. We haven’t had time to watch too much bad TV because we’ve been spending way too much time foaming at the mouth over rugby!

Reality Show

Best – The Amazing Race
This show hasn't won a gazillion Emmys in a row for nothing. It's smart, stylized and the winners don't have to lie, cheat and scheme to get the cash in the end. . .well, not usually anyway.

Worst – The Bachelor/Flava of Love

The Bachelor – I don't know what's worse. That ABC hasn't cancelled this sexist drivel or that thousands of lonely, desperate, seething harpies continue to sign up to be exploited, objectified and ridiculed for a chance with some loser who will dump her three weeks after the finale, claiming "too much time apart" kept their love from blossoming.

Flava of Love – Damn! Damn! Damn! And damn again we scream! We were down with Flav when he was coonin’ for a cause with Public Enemy but Hip Hip’s most famous and entertaining Hype Man has sunk to an all time low with this shizz! That’s right, continuing to wallow in drug addiction would have been a much more honorable way of hastening his untimely demise than staring in this travesty of broadcast television! And the women?!? Oh…my…GOD! Where do we even freakin’ begin? This show sets ALL women back, not just the “colored” ones people! The Sushi Girls don’t mind a woman fighting for her man but you’d think by now we would have learned the difference between a good man and no’count loser! But alas none of us, male and female, colored and pasty white, have learned a damn thing since Adam and Eve got their sinning asses kicked the hell out of the Garden of Eden! Sigh…

Best Song/Album

Female
Mary J. Blige, The Breakthrough

Male
Robin Thicke, The Evolution of Robin Thicke

Celebrity Breakup

Best – Britney Spears & Kevin Federline, Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston
Take one mega rich but still very lonely Southern girl with low self-esteem and add one opportunistic, self-proclaimed “Jack the Lad” with baby mama drama and you have a recipe for disaster. We will not cry for these two fools because they never should have been together in the first place! The only ones we even come close to caring about are those precious babies. Like the saying goes, you can pick your ass but you can’t pick your parents! And as far as Jen and Vince go – this should prove once and for damn all that rebound relationships don’t work! It was shaky from the start but when they had the unmitigated gall to star in a movie together we knew they were doomed for sure. Just who do you think you are J&V? Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman? Tracy and Hepburn? Bacall and Bogart? Please! Just chalk this up to temporary insanity and move on, preferably away from our television and movie screens.

Worst – Hilary Swank & Chad Lowe, Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Philippe
What becomes of the husband and wife who should have stuck it out? In Hollywood, that manufactured cotton candy dreamland, it seems no one takes their marriage vows seriously. "I do" is merely the latest catchphrase and "til death do us part" can be negotiated by a team of Harvard-educated barristers. It seemed however, that Hilary/Chad and Reese/Ryan would grin and bear it. After all, marriage is a partnership, a lifelong commitment, or so the Hallmark cards say. Sure, both Hil and Reece brought home all the bacon and fried it up in a pan. And sure, they were married to eunuchs who couldn't buy a decent movie role but is that any reason to sever the union? Just goes to show, the world (i.e. Hollywood) is not quite ready for the Alpha Girl.

Biggest Cad/Wanton Woman

Kevin Federline and Denise Richards

Denise Richards – Oh Denise. We were so with you when you dumped that fat head, whoremongering pseudo cholo Charlie Sheen particularly because we couldn't understand how a lovely girl like you could get herself hemmed up with Chuck "I BRAKE FOR PROSTITUTES" Sheen. Surely, we mused, Denise could do better than that. Little did we know you were about to do much worse. Little did we know you would turn into a wanton hussy, breaking the one unpardonable sin among girlfriends: Thou shalt not enter into an illicit affair with thy girlfriend's husband - especially when the divorce isn't even final!!

Kevin Federline – What a major dumb ass! You were living the dream! You had a rich, hot wife and you didn’t even have to pay your own child support! But you just couldn’t handle all those perks and all that freedom could you? You just had to act like a wannabe “baller/shot caller” bragging about how you had Brit Brit on lock! And then came the all night partying, solo trips to Las Vegas, shopping sprees (On wifey’s dime of course), failed music career attempts (When Britney Spears tells you your album sucks you really should listen baby), and the ho’s. BOY IS YOU CRAZY?!?!? The answer to that is apparently a resounding YES!

Class of 2007 Most Likely To Succeed

Jennifer Hudson
Anybody that proves Simon Cowell and Co. wrong as well as upstaging Beyonce in her supposed “breakthrough movie role” is a winner in our book! And you did it all while representing the juicy/dark girls! Go head then girl but watch ya back…Papa and Mama Knowles will cut a bitch!

Christopher Paolini
This twentysomething novelist had to self-publish his first book AND hawk it at trade shows, flea markets and libraries. But, his diligence paid off. Word of mouth about his tale of a boy and his dragon spread and before you could say five-book deal with Random House, the book, "Eragon" was blowing up C.P.'s spot. With his book deal and subsequent film deal not to mention the games, stuffed animals and gift cards, the guy who penned the story of a blue dragon has created a cottage industry that will outrival Harry Potter in the years to come.

Class of 2007 Least Likely To Succeed

Rosie O’Donnell
We understand how it feels to finally come to terms with who you are and we congratulate Rosie for coming out of the closet and becoming such a powerful and outspoken advocate for Gay Rights and adoption reform (Two things we feel very strongly about here at SATS). However, if the woman keeps accusing people of hatin’ on gay folk without substantial proof and picking on Donald Trump and Kelly Ripa et al, she might find herself without a damn job come 2008. Let’s not get too giddy over our newly minted Democratic Congress Dear Rosie. This is still America you know.

Star Jones
Star has admitted that she was humbled by her experience on The View so we won’t be too hard on her but we still say she needs to disappear for a while. At least until America’s short-term memory problem has had a chance to kick in. Americans love nothing more than watching a celebrity disintegrate spectacularly in front of their eyes then rise from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix. But if you don’t give us a chance to forget why we hated you in the first place then how can we love you again Star? Please go somewhere and sit down for a minute okay?

Best/Worst PR

Best – Nick Lachey
Your PR Toadies waved their magic wands and turned a cad into a hero. Your CD even sold more than your bubble headed Ex! America loves you now Nick; you won! And really that’s all that matters now don’t it?

Worst – Jessica Simpson
Girl please fire your PR team! And while you’re at it get your father fitted with a muzzle, bind him with duct tape, shove him in a burlap sack and hide him in a basement at an undisclosed location until he learns to shut his damn mouth and stay out yo business! Didn’t you realize something was wrong when people started saying Ashlee was hotter than you? Oh but no see! Sisterhood is one thing but celebrity is something else all together. God gave you that face and those curves for a reason Miss Thang so in the immortal words of RuPaul, you better work!

Worst Haters of 2006

Ann Coulter
She accuses people of treason, can barely speak to liberals (if she must), and calls 9/11 widows godless. Which, makes her worthless, loveless, childless, brainless, husbandless and sexless. . .which we suspect is the root of all her tyrannical ranting and raving.

Oprah vs Hip Hop (50 Cent, Ludicris, Ice Cube, et al.)
Have you all run out of stories about how much money you have, comparisons to Italian Mafiosos, selling drugs, runnin’ the ho’s, and getting ya ass shot off 100 times and living to tell the tale? Now you have to pick on Oprah? We agree that she can be a bit annoying but please! We think you have more important things to worry about like the PR problem Hip Hop has had for the last twenty years. Get your priorities straight people!

Republicans
As the saying goes, people who live in glass houses (with kiddie porn mags, lists of illegal campaign contributions and dead American soldiers strewn all over the floor) shouldn’t throw stones…at Democrats, Moderates. Independents, the Green Party and anyone else who refuses to be held down under the heel of your shiny jack boots!

LULAC, ACLU and all rampant, fire breathing, pro-immigration folk
You poor, misguided souls. Allowing the whole world live and/or work in the U.S. is not good for the world or the U.S.! Why? Because the only reason we tolerate “your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” is because they work for peanuts and live in conditions that no self-respecting goat would live in with little to no health care and also because they allow us (and by “us” we mean America, The Sushi Girls included) to continue to be lazy and self-centered, bourgeoisie pig dogs!

People Most In Need Of A Slap Across The Face With A Fish

Nancy Grace
Your seething, hissing haranguing should not drive people to suicide!

Mike Boogie, et al
Boogie and Dr. Will Kirby, the duplicitous duo, proved once again that liars, back-stabbers, manipulators, and cheaters always win - especially on lame ass reality shows. When Boogie and Kirby weren't "show-mancing" bubble-headed ditzoids, they were creating fake alliances, manipulating the weaker vessels and plotting against Kayser, whose good looks made him a perma target of Dr. Evil until he tricked others into ousting the devoted Muslim. The only honest statement Mike Boogie made was this: "I'm going to hell." True dat!

Eva Longoria & Tony Parker
We appreciate what a deep, raw dickin’ can do for a girl but must we hear about it all the time? And must we see your smug little Latina face everywhere we look reminding us of how little sex we’re getting? You know neither you nor your man is really all that! And yes we’re hating but you get on our nerves chica! [Sticking out our tongues at you and your French fried chere!]

Hookups That Made Us Say…What The Fuck?

Lindsay Lohan & Stavros Niarchos
Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds L2? Oh hells no!

Paris Hilton & Travis Barker
Huh? But why? No seriously, what the fuck was that all about?

Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock…again!
Pam baby…we think your implants might be leaking. How else to explain your asinine decision to hook up with KR? For fuck’s sake Pam think of the children! And our delicate stomachs!

Eddie Murphy & Melanie Brown AKA Scary Spice
Eddie know he was wrong for that! First of all everyone knows Eddie got color issues from waaaaaaaay back! Melanie, while not as dark as one of Eddie’s exes, Robin Givins, was still too dark for him. Just look at his Ex-Wife and his current paramour, Tracey Edmonds. Also, like Jen and Vince, rebound relationships never…EVER…work! We don’t know what the hell Mel B. was thinking but she should have done her damn homework before releasing her eggs for EM. Now she’s got to prove the paternity of her baby because Eddie couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Oh LAWD!

In Desperate Need Of Therapy In 2007

Lindsay Lohan
Dear LL (or L2 if you prefer). Girl, what's really going on? Flashing your cooch? Drinking at your AA meetings? Rambling essays on your MySpace filled with gratuitous grammatical mistakes? Hitting up that scruffy stiff Al Gore for help? Listen; find somebody to talk to who won't sell your business to US magazine. Doesn't matter if he's got a Freudian slant or a Jungian bent. Just don't show your goodies when you splay out provocatively on his couch.

Mel Gibson/Michael Richards
If the antics of these fools can’t convince white America that racism still exists them we don’t know what can! And wouldn’t it be swell if all white people could sit on an analyst’s couch and talk through their anger and hatred issues? Yea right…

Best/Worst Politician

Best – Barack Obama
For staying his ass out of the (negative) news thus preserving his sexy AND self-respect! And also for having the good taste to marry the lovely and talented (and dark skinned) Mrs. Obama as opposed to some light skinned, underachieving “black” woman or worse, some pasty faced, underachieving white woman. Yes we went there. What of it?

Worst – Mark Foley (Washington Page Scandal)
You cowardly, pedophilic sonofabitch! The very thought of you makes us wretch! And for the record Mark you don’t go to rehab for pedophilia. Are you honestly trying to imply that a substance abuse problem led you to seek sex from underage males? You ignorant fucker! You’re a sick and twisted individual with or without intoxicants and you best to deal with your issues instead of whitewashing them. Also, believe that we don’t accept you trying to further imply that homosexuality and pedophilia are one in the same. We’re on to you and all the other hatemongerers who keep trying to shove that old chestnut down our collective throats!

Trends We Don’t Want To See In 2007

Adopting African orphans for PR reasons
Skinny jeans
Eating disorders
Celebrities with MySpace/YouTube accounts
Misuse of the term “Baby Mama/Daddy”

Trends We Do Want To See In 2007

Dance Off’s as conflict resolution
More gratuitous male nudity
A nation-wide, grassroots movement to get American children adopted by Americans

Best/Worst Hair Weave or Wig


Best – Beyonce Knowles
If you’ve ever seen Ms. B work her weave then you now she gotz the top of the line, real Indian hair from top of the line, real desperately poor Indian women. No “Yakky” will do for young Ms. Knowles. And besides, Mama and Papa Knowles would beat her within an inch of her life if she walked out the house with a raggedy weave!

Worst – Tyra Banks
How many times must we be subjected to the site of Ms. Banks on the red carpet in her fucked up wig? Is it just us or does she look like that elderly aunt we all have who refuses to give up on that old, dusty, matted wig she’s had since 1942? Yes that’s what we thought…

Best/Worst Dictator

Best – Kim Jong-il
You know you're a good dictator when your people don't understand the concept of television while you sit on the couch with a beer and a bucket of chicken watching "Flava of Love"

Worst – Saddam Hussein
You know you're not really cut out for this dictator stuff when the US catches you in an underground bunker, you go on trial and end up hung while Shiites stick out their tongues

Best Sex Tape We’re Bummed We Never Got A Chance To See

Colin Farrell & Nicole Narain
What a shame! Will we ever get a chance to see what Colin’s really workin’ with? Sigh.

Worst Sex Tape We’re Thrilled We Never Got A Chance To See

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline
Wasn’t “Chaotic” enough to make us vomit our spleens? Eeeeew! as well as Ick!

Worst H.A.Ms. (Hot Ass Messes) of 2006

Nicolas Cage
Lil’ Kim
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
Clay Aiken
Serena Williams
David Caruso
Kate Bosworth
Keanu Reeves
Janice Combs
Sylvester Stallone
Mariah Carey
Rachel Zoe
Brandon Davis
Remy Ma
Donald Trump
Ice-T and wife CoCo
Fergi
Evan Ross (Diana's son)
DMX
Naima from ANTM
Wendy Williams
Golden Brooks
Flav and every woman on the Flava Of Love

Rugby

With all of 2006's rugby posts you knew we’d have to go there so don’t front Dear Readers!

Best/Worst Looking Rugby Players

Best Looking
Ben Cohen (Scotland)
Doug Howlett (NZ)
Frédéric Michalak (France)
Joe Rokocoko (NZ)
Jonny Wilkinson (England)
Lome Fa’atau (NZ)
Ma'a Nonu (NZ)
Malili “Mils” Muliaina (NZ)
Mirco Bergamasco (Italy)
Mose Tuiali’I (NZ)
Neemia Tialata (NZ)
Richard Kahui (NZ)
Sean Fergus Lamont (Scotland)
Shannon Paku (NZ)
Sione Lauaki (NZ)
Sosene Anesi (NZ)
Tamati Ellison (NZ)
Tana Umaga (NZ)
Yannick Nyanga (France)

Jerry Collins (NZ) – Ms. GD and GM were split on Mr. Collins (Miss Sakamoto abstained). Ms. GD thought his magnificent body; outstanding height and winning personality outweighed his homely visage. GM is more of a purest and thought he should be relegated to the Worst Looking category, regardless of his near perfect physique. So we decided we’d leave it up to you, our Dear Readers, to decide where JC should go. Is he the Hotness or the Notness? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Worst Looking
The entire Welsh national team (Save for one Mike Phillips ). Seriously people, view the rest of them at your peril! You know The Sushi Girls wouldn’t lie to you baby!

Chris Masoe (NZ) – Bad skin and just all around unattractive ya’ll!

Dan Carter (NZ) – Crazy hair, average looks, irritating voice and too trendy for his own damn good.

Fabien Pelous (France) – He looks like something from The Island of Doctor Moreau, a cross between Frankenstein’s monster and a boxer puppy

John Afoa (NZ) – Cro-Magnon man lives !

Keven Mealamu (NZ) – He looks like he’s been hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels…repeatedly and without mercy.

Leon MacDonald (NZ) – Nosferatu Lives !

Mat Rogers (Australia) – Was the man attacked by a gang of marauding kangaroos?

Runners Up – The entire Irish national team

Most Overrated/Underrated Rugby Players

Overrated – Dan Carter
We know what you’re thinking, he’s a rugby player therefore he must have a good body and that should count for something right? And how can we hate on a player that kicks for damn near 100% in every game? We feel you rugby lovers but simply having a “good” body isn’t enough to satisfy our rugby lust. We want our ruggers to be sick wit it baby! And as for his kicking ability, well it’s easy to make every kick when you’re a perfectly calibrated robot! Yes we said it! DAN CARTER IS A ROBOT! Now you know the truth!

Underrated – Lome Fa’atau
This is what happens when you have principles and the strength of your convictions – no one knows who the fuck you are and people who are younger and not nearly as hot or talented as you win awards for their boring, undeserving (And some would say robotic…*cough*Dan Carter*cough*) work during Super 14. Doesn’t being the top try scorer mean anything?!? If he’d forsaken his Manu Samoa and Pacific Islander brethren and sold his soul to the All Blacks organization he’d be a world sensation by now. But alas he’s on the wrong side of thirty, as the rugby pundits like to screech, and no one gives a damn. Sad isn’t it?

Best Rugby Player Names

Malili Muliaina (NZ)
Neemia Tialata (NZ)
Casey Laulala (NZ)
Lolo Lui (Italy)

Rugby Hairdos

Best
Daniel Leo
Lome Fa’atau
Ma’a Nonu
Neemia Tialata
Tana Umaga

Worst
Dan Carter
Jason Eaton
Jerry Collins
Luke McAlister
Mils Muliaina
Sione Lauaki

Shawtest Rugby Shawt Shawts

Jimmy Gopperth (NZ) - Mr. Gopperth will miss a damn kick but Oh Lawd! how we love looking at those long, perfectly toned legs! Land sakes alive!

Runner Up – Shannon Paku

Worst Rugby H.A.Ms.

Dan Carter
Mils Muliaina
Stephen So'oialo

Best Rugby Fights

Crusaders vs Hurricanes: Neemia Tialata choking the ever lovin’ hell out of Richie McCaw and Tialata frontin’ like he couldn’t remember that shizz later!

Super 14 2006 Final: Ma’a Nonu and Richie McCaw choking hell out of each other in the fog!

[What is it about Richie McCaw that makes Hamos want to choke the hell out of him? We say he better watch his back!]

Runners Up
Bulls vs Hurricanes: Tialata takes on two players...simultaneously!
Waratahs vs Hurricanes (Super 14 Semi-Final): Peter Hewat gets in Ma’a Nonu’s face. Nonu begins to choke hell out of Hewat. Piri Weepu rockets out of nowhere, grabbing Hewat around the head and putting him in a head lock!

Aaarrgh! Ms. GD is such a lazy, lazy Diva these days! But I managed to get it together long enough to scoop up a handful of Hot Ass Men for your enjoyment! So grab your WOOT! tickets, put on your hat and coat (‘cause it’s chilly outside) and hurry your ass on out to the train station. You don’t want to miss your ride on the Hot Ass Men Express do you? Yes…that’s what I thought…

Sexy Dex (The dread locked man in black) and his Triple Cross movie trailer


Watch it or you’ll put someone’s eye out with that honey!


Cute guy getting a tattoo…Hubba, Hubba!


This video is just one more thing to add to my “This would never happen to me in a million years!” file. Damn it all to hell!


The “Brown Brothers” in Australia don’t have enough shit to keep them busy. How fortunate for us! Brisbane Krump – Regulators Parody


And for the ladies who likey the bodybuilders, this brother’s body is off the chain!


Just 10 more bloody days until my happy ass raises the hell up out of Texas. California here I come! – GD

As Lady Chatterley so elegantly (and rightfully) put it: men hold no glamour for me anymore. Unfortunately, as the days grow longer and once it’s all over but the shoutin’, galaxyMafia finds that she’s become ambivalent about men.

It comes down to this:

The cute men are all short. Or gay.
The tall men are all ugly. Or married to women they don’t love but are too chickenshit to divorce.
The rich guys are closet misogynists who want a harem full of pneumatic Barbie dolls at their beck, call and disposal.
The smart men don’t know what fork to use at the dinner table, and even though they understand quantum physics, they lack the temerity and audacity to actually explain it to you.
The sweet, sensitive men are punk-bitch mama’s boys
The perfect guys are 3,917 miles away across the Pacific Ocean and can’t speak a lick of English



And still, with all that weighing her down, galaxyMafia has still found a reason to be excited!!!!

Four words: SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words can’t explain how much galaxyMafia is anticipating this movie!! She is on pins and needles, waiting with baited breath, on the edge of her seat! GalaxyMafia already knows that she will love this move, that as soon as it comes out on DVD (which will probably be fairly quickly), she will buy it, full price, and not wait for it to go on sale at Hollywood Video as a part of one of those 4 for $20 deals.

Even if “Snakes on a plane” is the biggest piece of hackneyed tripe ever captured on celluloid (and according to the critics’ estimates and analysis, it promises to be), galaxyMafia still plans to enjoy it, and in fact will be front and center in the theater on the first day of its theatrical release!

Naturally, after she sees the movie, galaxyMafia will spoil it all for you by providing you with an in-depth review which, she must forewarn you, will contain all of the “money shots” and the ending of the movie!!!


Copyright 2006 galaxyMafia. . .would like to say that she hopes her good friend Caroline gets well! Take care Scarecrow, we miss you! I will have the new zombie novel ready for your review upon your successful and triumphant return! Also, mad, mad, seething shout outs to Daniel and Shannon for liking the mystery novel, and to Shawn and Dominique for expressing interest in reading it. Francisco - good bye and good luck, papi! You will need it! HA!

I’m sure all you gamers out there recognize that line from Street Fighter (Or was it Mortal Kombat ?). I remember years ago, sitting on my boyfriend’s parent’s sofa watching him pay SF and MK. I know what you’re thinking but I was young and in love and hadn’t become completely jaded yet.

Actually, I didn’t really mind watching. The only video game I like is Tetris so the whole idea of a video game whose sole purpose is to beat hell out of your opponent was intriguing to me because I love watching people fight. Now let me clarify what I mean by “fight”. When I say fight I mean brawling, fisticuffs, Queensbury rules or just straight wildin’ out with a minimum of gunplay. Blunt objects are cool (coffee pots, hammers, 2x4’s, etc.) just so long as they don’t overshadow good, old-fashioned fist-in-face.

So with that in mind I compiled a list of some of my favorite celluloid dust ups. Enjoy!

Arsenic And Old Lace (1944) Carey Grant

This is really a Screwball Comedy but there is one really good fight scene that never fails to make me scream with laughter. Most of it takes place off camera so all you see are bodies flying into the fray and bodies being thrown out. Chairs are broken over people’s backs and pieces of broken furniture are thrown around to the sound of scuffling, punching and yelling. What makes it so funny is Carey Grant’s reaction to what’s going on. Here is a sane man stuck in a very insane situation. Towards the end of the movie he’s come to accept the looniness all around him and his reactions are priceless!



The Quiet Man (1952) John Wayne

Okay so this movie is full of stereotypes but we all know stereotypes are based in truth so let’s not get bogged down in that shall we? We all know that all Irishmen aren’t lazy, shiftless, bare knuckle brawling, drunkards but the idea that they are makes for one great movie battle! John Wayne plays a disgraced American boxer who decides to go home to Ireland. While there he falls in love but gets on the wrong side of his love’s brother’s temper. What follows is one of the greatest fight scenes ever. That fight goes from the house to the street, down rolling green hills and into the town and it is fab…u…lous!

Enter The Dragon (1973) Bruce Lee

There are just so many reasons to love this movie! Who couldn’t love hot ass Bruce Lee and his whoops and yells (Waaaaaah! Wooooohaaaaaah!), hot ass Jim Kelly and his Shaolin funk soul brother attitude (To Mr. Han: “Man, you come right out of a comic book!”), Bolo the behemoth, international crime conspiracies, the funky soundtrack and just the cheesy 70’s eastern mysticism of it all? There are many fight scenes to love here but my favorite would have to be the climactic battle between Lee and Han in the mirrored room. Lee tries to put the smack down and is doing well but fails to consider that Han is a crafty sonofabitch! Lee has to use his brains and his brawn to defeat the diabolical Han. After remembering some inspiring words from his sensei he regains the strength he needs to finally send Han on a wild, rickshaw ride to hell!



Drunken Master (1978) Jackie Chan

This movie is billed as the first king fu comedy and yes it is funny (What the hell kinda name is “Thunder Leg” for a villain anyway?) but my favorite scene is where Chan is trying to mack on a girl when her mother rolls up and puts the supreme smack down…right on Chan’s ass! I love a movie where a women doesn’t have to resort to gunplay (usually having said gun slapped from her weak and ineffectual hand), running away in high heels, waiting until the man’s asleep and pouring hot grits on him (If you don’t know ask your mama about Al Green), waiting until the man’s asleep and cutting his dick off a la Lorena Bobbitt or worse yet, committing suicide, to get her very simple point across: LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE FOOL!

The Warriors (1979) Michael Beck

Don’t you just love the good old days? Back then if you mentioned the word “gang” to someone the last thing that would come to their minds would be guns. Switchblades maybe but never guns. This movie not only brings back the filthy glamour that was NYC before Giuliani cleaned it up but also those thrilling days of yore when shooting someone in the head execution style would be considered cowardly! The Warriors are accused of a crime they didn’t commit and they have t make it back to their “turf” in one piece. Along the way they meet many a lame ass gang, at least by post Colors standards, and have to take them all out. My favorite gang/fight scene is a toss up between the Baseball Furies (men in baseball uniforms, painted faces and bats) and the Lizzies (uncharacteristically hot Lesbians with knives). The Warriors dispatch them both in short order but it’s still fun to watch!



Fight Club (1999) Edward Norton, Brad Pitt

This whole movie is of course one big fight but my favorite scene was when Edward Norton’s character beat pretty little Jared Leto’s character so badly that dude’s face looked like raw hamburger! [Insert highly inappropriate and scary laughter] Man, that’s the good stuff!

Sexy Beast (2000) Ray Winstone, Ben Kingsley

Now those of you that have seen this movie might think I’m stretching things a bit here but I say if the antagonist of the movie has been shot in the gut twice with a shotgun (one shot was close range) but still continues to punch, slap, kick and hurl insults at the protagonist and his friends while they in turn punch, slap, kick and hurl insults at him then it’s a fair fight! Bloody as all get out but fair! And for the record, Ian McShane (Deadwood) is the creepiest of all creeps in this movie. Yikes!



The One (2001) Jet Li

This movie has some pretty good martial arts and special effects but it is the very last scene that does it for me! Jet Li, in his halting English (Which somehow makes it sound even better) tells the inhabitants of a penal planet, “I am Yulaw! I’m nobody’s bitch. You…are mine. I don’t need to know you. You only need to know me.” them proceeds to put the smack down on all comers as the camera slowly pans out on his lone form atop a pyramid, adroitly chucking guys over the precipice!

Oldboy (2003) Min-sik Choi

This movie is so deep; not your typical Asian Cinema flick at all! Most Americans, I’m sad to say, will miss the underlying themes because of the subject matter but if you take a chance and leave your puritanical ideas behind you might enjoy it. And if that isn’t enough of an enticement to watch this movie then take in to consideration that it also features one of the most awesome fight scenes ever! One long tracking shot of about twenty men with sticks and bats against Min-sik Choi, his fists and a hammer! Yes I said a hammer Dear Reader! And you know what the best part is? Although he’s bruised and bloodied by the time it’s over he still reigns triumphant! This movie rocks harder than the Stones at Wembley stadium!



A History Of Violence (2005) Viggo Mortensen

You’ve read posts from GM and me about how much we love this movie so I won’t go on about it but I will say that even after three LOTR movies and a few other Viggo vehicles I never thought he was sexy…until this movie. Does that make me peculiar? Probably but I don’t care. I’d love to have a husband who could and would skillfully kill lots and lots of people to protect our family and me. All I can say is bless you David Cronenberg . You are one magical, sick muthafucker and I LOVE you!

What are your favorite fight scenes? Inquiring Divas want to know – GD

GalaxyMafia has said it before and she will say it again: There is no one as pretty as Paul Walker (not even Wentworth Miller, sorry!). Unfortunately, there is no one quite so irrevocably and categorically dumb, either. Never was the evidence of that fact more clear than with Walker’s latest theatrical release, “Running Scared”.

Oops. . .he did it again!

Paul Walker has said in the past that he hates being called a pretty boy, and that he disdains movie roles that rely on his looks as opposed to his acting skills. And you have to know that it would be hard for Walker to disdain anything, as he probably has no frame of reference for the meaning of that word. And as for those mythical acting skills, galaxyMafia supposes that Walker is talking about his ability to come off as a scatterbrained lug nut in every part he plays.

Walker is no less the ludicrous Neanderthal in “Running Scared”. He plays the same sun-kissed blue eyed laid-back slacker, the flip flop-wearing, hang-ten surfer fool that he always manages to pull off. The only difference is, in “Running Scared”, Paul bastardizes and mutilates a Brooklyn accent. His supposed to come off like a “Sopranos”-type hood but he ends up sounding like Fran Drescher – loud, nasal and annoying.

His character, a small time hood named Joey Gazelle, is given the task of getting rid of a gun that was used to kill a cop. It’s a job so easy that even a monkey could do it, and that’s an insult to the monkey. Instead of breaking the gun up into several pieces and dissolving it in battery acid, Joey hides the gun in his basement in a hole covered by what looks to be particleboard. This might not be so bad if Joey didn’t have a belligerent young son who doesn’t know when to sit down, shut up and do what the hell his parents tell him. The son is crafty, insubordinate and too damn curious for his own damn good. So why would Joey put guns where they could be easily found by his kid? Why, to advance the ridiculous plot, of course.

But the funny this is, “Running Scared”, despite its advertisements, is not a film about crime, or the mob or guns. Even though it steals plot devices from various movies, including “Pulp Fiction”, “The Matrix” and “Snatch” to name a few, at the core of its being, “Running Scared” is a cautionary tale for young boys full of too much piss and vinegar, for the audience, and most importantly, for Paul Walker.

Hansel Reinvented

Just because Paul Walker stars in this flick doesn’t mean it’s about him. It’s not Joey who’s running scared. If the movie were about Paul’s character, it would be called “Fucking Stupid”. The truth is, “Running Scared” is a description of the real star of this film, Cameron Bright, who plays Oleg.

Little Oleg, an asthmatic, is a friend of Joey’s son and it is his character that sets the wheels in motion. Oleg is the victim of an abusive, John Wayne-obsessed stepfather who beats him. His mother, a former Russian prostitute, loves him but is apathetic and ineffective. After Oleg steals the gun Joey the Ignoramus was supposed to ditch, that’s when the script is officially flipped.

From that point on, “Running Scared” becomes a warning to bad little boys who disobey their parents. As the movie progresses, we follow Oleg on a twisted fairytale as he encounters grave dangers that multiply exponentially. Oleg has to deal with a ghoulish crack addict who’s a cross between the Grim Reaper and a Rasta. A “Mack Daddy” pimp and his prostitute. A creepy husband and wife child molesting/tormenting team whose fiendish evilness was so apathetic and yet so pervasive that galaxyMafia is still glancing over her shoulders every now and then. And if that weren’t enough, he almost gets his ass shot off at a hockey rink by a Russian mobster. Every step of the way, down every path Oleg takes there is blood, guns, carnage, and death.

The lesson to young boys is clear:
Don’t steal
Don’t play with guns
Don’t mess with drugs
Don’t talk to strangers
Don’t play hockey – after all, you aren’t Canadian.


Stop the movie, I want my fugging money back!

“Running Scared” has already been made before, several times, by much better writers and directors. You’d be better off renting “Snatch” or “Reservoir Dogs” than wasting your money on this ridiculous tripe.

Still, if you must go, look out for these bright spots:

1) The word “nigga” used to describe people who are not of color. Don’t know what the writer was trying to prove, or what kind of political statement he was trying to achieve but, when a blue-eyed, blond-haired California white boy with salt water in his veins and sand between his ears is referred to as a “nigga” by another, less-dazzling but still equally white guy, you know it’s time to create a damn drinking game. Break out the Chivas Regal and the Alize!
2) Oleg’s crazy as fuck stepfather is fine as hell!! You don’t get to see this until the end of the movie (and that means you’ll be forced to either sit through the entire two hour farce or try to sneak in and catch the last thirty minutes) but girls, it’s a real treat. His body is banging up against a wall, knocking a hole right through it and coming out on the other side!! Now, the dude looks like he’s been beat with the ugly stick about the face but, from the neck down, it’s on like a pot of chicken bones!
3) The end credits. Even though you’ll want to get the hell up and leave, try to stick around. You’ll see Oleg’s nightmarish adventure drawn in vivid color like a fairytale graphic novel. It’s cool and original and, really, it’s the best damn part of the movie. Also, watch for all the Eastern European names listed as film crew. Apparently, part of the film was shot in Prague although, to galaxyMafia, it looked like they were in New Jersey.
4) The scene in which Paul Walker gets hit in the mouth with a hockey puck and manages to keep all his teeth. The bad guys beat the shit out of him, and yet, he remains beautiful even with his face in a pool of his own steaming blood.
5) The F-word. Who the hell knew there were so many different variations of the word “fuck”. They used it as every part of speech – as a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, a gerund, a dangling participle. . .

Memo to Paul Walker:

Paul, this is the last time galaxyMafia will say this: You’re pretty. Just do a damn romantic comedy and call if a freaking day. You don’t see Matt McCougnehey bitching and kvetching, do you? That fool knows he’s handsome and he understands what kind of movies a handsome guy works well in. “Failure to Launch” was No. 1 at the box office this weekend. Paul, that could have been you. . .it should have been you. I mean, Matt’s got his own place but, you’ve said yourself you’re a scrub. Stop trying to fight the inevitable. Just give in. You’re never going to be a big action star, or a gritty character actor. You’re pretty so my advice to you is to just accept it, and move on to a starring role with Reese Witherspoon in a delightful romantic remake of “Roman Holiday”, or “Father Goose”, or “Funny Face” or whatever the damn hell.

2005 copyright galaxyMafia. . .should have went to see the movie with Paul and the snow dogs instead!

It’s that time of year again and while I’m not as steadfastly against it as galaxyMafia, I do liken Valentine’s Day to a chocolate éclair – scrumptious but full of empty calories. Why wait for one day a year to throw wilted, over priced roses and meaningless trinkets at our loved ones? I say V-Day should be used for the grand gesture-My own private Idaho…er, I mean island somewhere in the Pacific, a burlap sack full of loose diamonds (ten karats each) or a naked Wentworth Miller AND Dominic Purcell tied with a big, red, strategically placed bow! That’s what I’m talking about baby!

So if the Marketing Orcs have you feeling sad because you don’t have a significant other or even sadder because your current significant other doesn’t have the sense God gave a Billy goat (or Nanny goat as the case may be), stop wasting your time Wookin Pah Nub and try wookin pah:


Divine Love
Try these mantras to open yourself up the divine love of the Universe!

Aham Prema
Ah-hahm PREH-mah
I am Divine Love

Om Oarama Prema Rupaya Namaha
Om PAH-rah-mah PREH-mah Roo-PAH-yah Nah-mah-hah
Om and salutations to Supreme Divine Love that manifests in a form

Taken from Healing Mantras and Shakti Mantras by Thomas Ashley-Farrand
via Yoga Journal Magazine

The Re-Blackenization Of Glamour Diva and galaxyMafia

So Saturday was Ms. GD’s birthday and it was blessedly uneventful…for the most part. You’d think that a grown woman would be able to choose how she spent her birthday right? Wrong! Mama Diva had other plans. I was guilted into attending my old high school friend’s baby’s first birthday party. It was a stone gas as you can imagine…



So in rides GM to save what was left of the day by generously treating me to dinner and a movie! And oh my what a movie it was Dear Readers. The name of the movie is Something New
starring Sanaa Lathan and Simon Baker (of “The Guardian” fame). It’s about a subject that is near and dear to our hearts here at Sex and the Sushi-feeling guilty about dating white men then throwing our hands up in despair and giving in to the inevitability of it all because all the black men we think we might get along with are already dating white women. It’s a cute movie so catch it before it slides on in to video. So let’s jump right in and get the stereotypes and sweeping generalizations out of the way…shall we?

GM and I knew we were in for something new [heh] when we walked into the smallest multiplex theater we had even walked into! How small you ask? Well there are art house theaters larger than the one we where in and none of them have ever been so full of black people! That’s right I said it! The small theater was filled to the rafters with the decedents of Africans and a sprinkling of Latinos with just a hint of white folks! Mmmmm, delicious!

You will also be glad to know Dear Readers that segregation is alive and well and dwells in movie previews. We saw five, count’em, F.I.V.E movie previews that featured ALL black casts engaging in what I can only suppose is ALL black “stuff”. Unfortunately I can only remember four and they are:

Idlewild
ATL
Block Party
Madea’s Family Reunion

Now I’m not stupid. I understand marketing toward your viewership but this was ridiculous! Was Brokeback Mountain marketed only toward homosexuals? Was Chicago marketed only toward those who enjoy a good song and dance or are old enough to remember the time period? Was March of the Penguins marketed only toward those who like wildlife? I think not Dear Readers! While Madea’s Family Reunion may only appeal to a select few, Block Party, ATL and Idlewild, with their Hip Hop edge, will most assuredly appeal to many of the hip and happening young white kids in the suburbs. Give me a damn break Marketing Orcs!

Now on to the fascinating experience of sitting in a theater with 99.9% black people watching a 99.9% “black” movie…Wow! I swear I felt like Margaret Mead! To misquote David Byrne, “This is not MY beautiful black experience!”

This is a PG-13 movie right? So why were there little kids running in and out of the theater, hollin’ ass kids who only hollered during vital pieces of dialog and a newborn baby loudly cooing, gurgling and being nursed in the seat next to me? Oh and black folk really do talk all during the movie! And they crack jokes that Ms. GD and galaxyMafia don’t understand!

You see, by the black community’s standards GM and I are only about 45% black. We don’t head down south for big ass family reunions every summer (in part because we are already down south. Our families toughed out Slavery and Jim Crow and here we remain), we don’t belong to predominantly black churches, we didn’t attend historically black universities, we don’t belong to any black greek organizations (AKA, Zeta Phi Beta, Sigma Gamma Rho, etc.), and we don’t engage in a host of other “black” things which are far too numerous to list here. Most of the stuff we like is considered to be “white” stuff like foreign films, Indian food, Fiona Apple, Opera, using proper grammar and diction, European vacations and not talking back to the movie screen, just to name a few. But I’ll tell ya Dear Readers, blackness is contagious. We were only twenty minutes into the movie before we were talking and hollin’ and cracking jokes all up in there! When we left the movie we felt at least 85% black but I think I’m slipping. When I got home I watched my season two Queer As Folk DVDs and listened to my Suzanne Vega- A Retrospective CD. And I still don’t know how to do the Electric Slide or the Harlem Shuffle. Ssshhh! Don’t tell anyone or my black card will be revoked!

Not As Good As Stilton But Better Than Velveeta

Ah! What would Valentine’s Day be without celebrities waxing poetic about, what else, VALENTINE’S DAY!!!! So click here to enjoy the extra-creamy dairy goodness of television’s hottest celebrities and their best/worst Valentine’s Day remembrances. Oh yeh, here’s a particularly lactose intolerance inducing quote from my favorite celebrity, Wentworth Miller aka The Pretty!


"I once gave someone who was going cross-country a clock. I set the time to where I was, so that when I called we would look at the clock and always be together at the exact same time.''

Mooooo! [Sorry but cheese doesnt make a sound]

If someone did give Ms. GD a sack full of diamonds she’d keep a handful for herself (A Sista gotta pay off those student loans and get her house remolded before it falls in on her head ya know) and give the rest to the people in South Africa who actually dig up the diamonds so they can finally give that dastardly, modern day slaver DeBeers the finger and leave the filth and squalor of their shanty towns so they can live a life full of grace and independence! On second thought, DeBeers would probably just import a passel of Mexicans to work the mines. I’m sure that in the eyes of the good overseers at DeBeers their lives are almost as cheap. Right? Happy Un-Valentines Day! – GD

Damn.

Only a month into the new year and I’m already feeling the urge to zip some lips! Why, Dear Readers, should I have thought things would be any different? I don’t know either…

This week’s list of people whose lips I’d like to permanently zip are:

Hamas - Shut your yap! You won the election now sit down, close your mouths and open your ears! If Jordan and Egypt are telling you to chill the fuck out then maybe you should listen sweethearts? No one said you had to like "The West". I know Bush is an idiot and Blair is his toady but most of the people in the west don’t agree with any of the shit going down in the Middle East and we really do feel for you. No one said you had to like Israel. All they want is for you to recognize their existence and not kill them! And speaking of killing…you simply must guarantee the world that the terroristic style killing will stop. Don’t think that because the people legitimately elected you that you can’t be ousted. If you asked Saddam Hussein I’m sure he would tell you to - Shut Up!

Brokeback Mountain Lovers – Oh but you do go on! I haven’t seen it and I probably won’t see it for at least a couple of years. Why? I don’t like “cowboy” movies no matter how gay they are but more importantly I just can’t stand the hype! We all know that damn movie is going to win the Oscar so can’t we just stop with all the faux speculation? And yes I know that this is the first big budget, Hollywood movie to deal honestly and openly with the subject of gay love not just gay sex…snore…snore…drool…oh shit did I fall asleep? Seriously people, I am so looking forward to the day when “gayness” fails to whip people in to a frenzy. Until that day I would appreciate it if everyone would just – Shut Up!

And January’s special Shut Up And A Smack Across The Face With A Mackerel Award goes to…

Oprah Winfrey – Hush it up girl! I’ve managed to remain ambivalent about Oprah low these last twenty odd years but then she fucked up and decided to keelhaul author James Frey for lying in his “memoir” A Million Little Pieces. She took that shit personally didn’t she? Oprah baby if you’re reading this calm the fuck down! It’s not like he wrote the damn book just for you! He lied to the whole world…like junkies do! Maybe now you’ll stop stamping your seal of approval on all those books, cars, Egyptian cotton sheets, jeans, potato chips and what not? From one passionate Aquarian to another just let it go. The more you grumble the more you look like BooBoo The Fool…not Mr. Frey. Sweetie, you are one of the richest, most admired and recognizable women on the planet, which means there are millions of people just waiting to take you down several billion pegs. I’ve already heard people talking about how your credibility is "ruined”. We both know this is nothing but schadenfreude but that doesn’t mean me have to help them along now does it? Shut Up!

Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut Up!

Want something to really get hyped about? Watch African American Lives on PBS tonight! Don ’t roll your eyes at me! You might learn something and besides, it’s “African American History Month" which means every liberal to moderate American is contractually liable to view any and all specials on the accomplishments of Peoples of African Decent in the United States. And as always, after you watch it tell me what you think! – GD

The year end list is trite as hell but we made one anyway. Enjoy…or don’t. It really makes us no never mind.

Best/Worst Movie

Best – A History of Violence

Click here for previous review

Worst – The Longest Yard/The Amityville Horror

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. And if it sucked to begin with for sure as hell don’t remake it if you can’t make it better! Adam Sandler replacing Burt Reynolds? What the fuck ever! And we don’t care how buff Ryan Reynolds is, washboard abs don’t add a damn thing to a horror movie! The people that green lighted this tripe can lick the crickety cracks of our black asses!

Best/Worst Movie Hero and Villain

Viggo Mortensen in A History Of Violence

Tom Stall is just the kind of anti-hero every gal dreams of marrying. He can put food on the table and kill a guy with a coffee pot! I'll buy that for a dollar!!

Best/Worst Television Show

Best – Commander in Chief /Prison Break

Commander in Chief
This show has it all; style, drama, fast paced writing, and a realistic plot that balances political intrigue with terrific family drama. Also, 15 million fools can’t be wrong!

Prison Break
The only thing realistic about his show is the prison it’s filmed in but we don’t care! If We’re going to spend an hour suspending our disbelief it will be watching this show. We’ve installed crash carts next to our Barcaloungers just in case all the drama, action, pathos and shirtless Dominic Purcell and Wentworth Miller become too much for us to handle.

Worst – Alias/That 70’s Show

Alias
We wouldn’t have any problem with Alias if it were staring the girl JJ Abrams truly intended; Keri Russell. The idea of Alias came when JJ wanted to do an episode of Felicity as a CIA agent recruit. But after Russell cut her hair and sent the ratings plummeting, the WB was squeamish about taking Russell’s character into uncharted territory. After JJ gave up on Felicity he chose pinched face Jennifer Garner to headline the show. Add to that the fact that when Jennifer Garner unceremoniously dumped Michael Vartan and had him kicked off the show the producers found out who the real star was when the ratings took a nose dive. Now that he’s back no one cares anymore and it’s “Hasta La Vista” for the whole crew. Lesson for TV Producers: Never underestimate the power of a hot, sexy man…NEVER!

That 70’s Show
Short and sweet: Eric Foreman is the pivotal character on the show. All the other characters revolve around Eric. Now that he’s in Africa who gives a damn! End it now while you still have your self-respect. There is no glory in being canceled. Being canceled is the equivalent of being told to get the hell out of someone’s house. So get out already!

Best/Worst Reality Show

Best – America’s Next Top Model
There’s nothing like a good catfight on a Wednesday night and ANTM never fails to deliver! Sure, none of the women have any business on anyone’s catwalk but their skills (or even their beauty for that matter) aren’t what keeps us coming back “cycle” after “cycle”. What we love most is the big “fierce” laboratory experiment that is the show. Just how looney can fourteen, no talent, female gerbils stuck in a luxury Habitrail become? Watch and find out…BITCHES!

Worst – So You Think You Can Dance?
Once again, FOX imitates, duplicates and comes in last place. Worse thing was, none of them fools could truly bust a move!

Best/Worst TV Villain

Best – Robert Knepper, Prison Break, T-Bag

No one on television has ever made us squirm as much as Theodore Bagwell, aka T-Bag. Ok, maybe Clarence Thomas during the confirmation hearings but that’s another story. What do you get when you mix white supremacist, child murderer/molester, flaming homosexual sexual predator and sociopath with just a hint of Southern charm? You get the creepiest villain ever! Actually, they could have left the homosexuality out and he would have been just as creepy but that’s a topic for another post…

Honorable Mention – Donald Sutherland, Commander in Chief, Nathan Templeton

Worst – Julian McMahon, Nip/Tuck, Dr. Christian Troy

What can we say about this bottom-feeder? How about. . .oily skin, slick hair and a sleazy sex life played out in front of a greased lens. Can somebody please get this misogynistic misanthrope a bar of non-comedigenic soap and some clarifying shampoo? Oh yeah, and throw in a conscience while you're at it.

Best/Worst TV Hero

Best – Geena Davis, Commander in Chief, Mackenzie Allen

With grace, style and the ability to pull out a Sun Tsu quote on your ass at just the right moment, Geena Davis as President Mackenzie Allen gives us a bittersweet glimpse of what we have always suspected [but were too afraid to proclaim out loud for fear of having our tongues ripped out]: A woman should be running this country. America, you cheeky bitch...we salute ya!

Worst – Eddie Cibrian, Invasion, Russell Varon

As much as we wish Eddie Cibrian was our damn garbage man, we have to say we are disappointed by his park ranger family man character on ABC's new paranormal drama, "Invasion". For those of you who don't know, basically, Shaun "Da do run run" Cassidy who produces the show is biting a huge chunk outta "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (the one starring Donald Sutherland). Personally, we think Cassidy's "American Gothic" was better but. . .so Eddie plays Ranger Russ, who is gorgeous and disturbingly not at all as concerned as he should be considering that following a hurricane strange things start happening in his small Florida town. When your kid goes into shock after receiving a blood transfusion from his own mother. . .and the blood turns out to be not human but dolphin blood, we think you might want to do something other than frowning before slowly, slowly looking away.

Best Song and Album

Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine, "Tymps (The Sick In The Head Song)"

Gavin DeGraw, Chariot, "I Don’t Want To Be"

Biggest Cad/Wanton Woman

Billy Cudrup and Claire Danes

Unabashedly unrepentant, these two know they're pariahs but because they're "in love", they are willing to withstand the onslaught. . .yeah, Claire, until Billy falls in love with his next co-star while you're baby-sitting his kid. Claire Danes, never one of our faves, has turned into the kind of woman we can't stand. . .the woman who refuses to admit that a man who'll leave his pregnant girlfriend ain't much of a man. [Britney!! Pay attention young lady!!] I'm so tired of women falling for heartless assholes and blaming it on love. If we were in love, we wouldn't stand for it. . .but, that's another post!

Class of 2005 Most Likely To Succeed

Lindsay Lohan

She's got her red hair and her boobs back. And that's all the charm she needs to take over the world. This feisty Irish lass has got gold at the end of her rainbow. And if you think that was too many Irish clichés, you can kiss my blarney stone!

Wentworth Miller

We’ve already covered this ad nauseam for the love of Pete! Click here, here, here or even here for previous reviews.

Class of 2005 Least Likely To Succeed

Jennifer Aniston

She's cute and pathetic and we're all on her side but. . .why should we pay good, hard earned money to see "Rachel Green" have a ridiculous affair with Clive Owen when we can see her for free in syndication on some UHF station?

Diddy

This may just be wishful thinking but damn if we don’t wish this mouth breathing, no talent having, media whore would go away! Maybe if we say it enough it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy? We can only pray…

Best/Worst PR

Best – Angelina Jolie
Angie J. should give her PR flack a tricked out Hummer for Christmas. I mean, the advice about adopting the African kid. . .classic, just classic!

Worst – Tom Cruise
Everyone thinks he’s crazy and he’s making crappy movies. Enough said.

Worst Haters of 2005

50 Cent…For having zero percent sense of humor about himself and hatin’ on anyone who isn’t Fiddy.

Eminem…For having -100,000 percent sense of humor about himself and hatin’ on anyone who isn’t Marshall Mathers the “Great White Hope” of Hip Hop.

Kanye West...For having -100,000,000 percent sense of humor about himself, an ego as big as the universe and for hatin’ on Dubbya.

George W. Bush…For being the worst President ever and for hatin’ on the world, not just Black people.

Europe…For persistently and annoyingly hatin’on the United States.

People Most In Need Of A Slap Across The Face With A Fish

Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes

It was bad enough that y'all got together. Then y'all spawned. Surely, the end of the world is fast approaching. Joey Potter, we were so wrong about ye!!

Fred Durst

Listen Fred…man up already and stop whining about how some woman scrunched up your trifling self like a used paper towel and wiped her ass with it! You aren’t a bad looking man but no woman wants a man that whines about his broken heart so much. If you grew some balls maybe you could get a woman and keep her. And also, please don’t fool yourself into thinking someone would ever want to see your sex tape! Who do you think you are? Colin Farrell? Wigga Please!

Bono

This bleeding heart do-gooder. Personally, we think his altruism is a mask for his dastardly deeds carried out on behalf of the IRA.

Best People’s 50 Most Beautiful People Choice

Daniel Dae Kim, Lost, Jin-Soo Kwon

Other than Native Americans, Asians are one of the most under represented groups in all media, particularly Asian men and most particularly when it comes to beauty. We salute People Magazine for being so forward thinking and we salute Mr. Kim for being fine as all get out! WORD to his mother, God bless her!

Hookups That Made Us Say…What The Fuck!

Renée Zellweger & Kenny Chesney

What the…? But who…? How did they…? Why did they…? These fools are already divorced and we still don’t get it!

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner

Ben, we're so disappointed. Your choice in wives is almost as awful as your choice in movie projects.

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline

OK, so she meets him one night at a club. They hook up. Then two nights later, she's crying because she has to go to London and leave him. Then, she sends him a plane ticket to come and be with her in London. Britney, this kind of slavish attention to detail MUST be reserved for only the crème de la crème of men. If a woman is going to do something ignorant like underwrite some guy, the guy should at least be worth it!! She was better off with that no-singing, whiny wigga wanna be Timberlake!

In Desperate Need Of Therapy In 2006

Mike Jones

We understand that no one wanted you before you got rich and famous. But, know this and understand it - they still don't like you. They like the cash. They like you spending cash on them. Accept it and SHUT UP!

Britney Spears

When we first discovered you, you were a sweet little coon-ass from Louisiana doing back flips on MTV. Now, you're eating Chee-Toes and walking into roadside bathrooms barefoot and married to some wigga whose got two zebra babies out of wedlock that you're paying child support for. . .But wait, you are from Louisiana so, we suppose that explains all!!

Katie Holmes

Sister girl needs an intervention, deprogramming, therapy AND an exorcism from the Catholic Church!

Best/Worst Politician

Best – C. Ray Nagin

What can we say about this man that would ever do him justice? We lose our minds when we get a hangnail so we can only imagine what we would do when faced with the destruction of our city. Mr. Nagin kept his cool until he just couldn’t keep it anymore and when he lost it the world (and dumbass Dubbya) felt his pain and despair. We ain’t mad atcha Mr. Nagin, we ain’t mad atcha…[Pumping right fists in the air in perfectly synchronized thrusts]

Worst – Tom DeLayWe don’t mind that he’s so unrelentingly evil. We respect people who don’t try to conceal their misanthropic tendencies behind a veneer of loving kindness. What we can’t stand is that he doesn’t have the balls to admit it! Give it up Tommie Boy, we know you suckle at the teat of the Anti-Christ so sit down and SHUT UP!

Trends We Don’t Want To See In 2006

Man Stealing – Angie J. . .Paris. . .Claire. . .and any other woman who can't seem to find a man unless he's attached to another women. . .listen up. . .you chicas think you're cute and powerful now but, one day, y'all gone run up on some crazy bitch and you gone wind up cut sixteen ways from Sunday. . .leave that woman's man alone!!!

Big Ass Sunglasses – If they won’t let this fashion crisis end then the least the stars could do is call us so we can tell them if they have the right shaped head for these ugly shades!

Ig’nant Star Baby Names – Apple, Violet, Hazel. . .do we really need kids named after fruits and colors and acid induced dreams and mathematical theorems. . .?

Reality Stars Refusing To Disappear When Their 15 Minutes Are Up – Rob and Amber need to go away. . .matter of fact, we'll kidnap them and push them off a cliff. You don't even have to pay us. He's a heathen and she's a brainless twit. What she sees in that fool, we’ll never know. . .after all, she won the damn million. . .what the hell does she need him for?

Everybody who used to be on Real World [whatever city] – consistently coming back for those Real world versus Road Rules shows. . .Ruthie, Rachel, Veronica and the rest of y'all fools. Please move on and get a damn life. We know MTV ain't paying you that much!

Grills – It’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s just plan U.G.L.Y.! The time of dental adornments has come and gone people. Let it go…

Recently, I saw the new Viggo Mortensen movie, “A History of Violence”. Based off the graphic novel of the same name, it tells the story of a cold-blooded killer who reinvented himself into a warm, loving family man.

In a word or two, it was succulent, superb (much like Eddie Cibrian, or in GlamourDiva’s case, Went Miller but, that’s another topic altogether!).

It was also painstakingly, unapologetically violent.

My reactions to the drama unfolding before me on that big screen were visceral, cacophonous, histrionic. I screamed, I howled, I slouched down in my seat while my legs sliced up through the air, I guffawed. I wondered, as I drove home, wishing that I had a husband like Viggo Mortensen’s Tom Stall character (a husband who can kill some asshole with a coffee pot and then come home and make love to me on the stairs with his hand around my throat), why had I laughed? Why had I shouted with glee? Why had none of that superfluous violence filled me with a terrifying dread (as the threat of an outbreak of the Ebola virus or the thought of that Ben Affleck/Jennifer Garner spawn does)? Why hadn’t it saddened me? Or made me worry about the state of the world and the way people are so vicious to each other for no damn good reason.

A History of Violence was raw, shocking, breathtaking and intense. It was also very funny. But, should it have made me laugh? Am I desensitized to violence? I decided the answer might be found in researching my own history of over-exposure to violence.

As a kid who lived in America, I was bombarded with tons of violent images from a very early age. You might know what violent images I’m talking about. That’s right, our old faithful friends. . .cartoons, the very epitome of violence.

Think about it, what did your parents do on Saturday morning? They weren’t out playing catch with you or taking you to the museum or teaching you how to perform linear algebraic equations so you could get a decent SAT score, were they? No, they had better ways to waste their time than spending it with some snot-nose, bratty kid. They plunked you down in front of the television with a bowl of Coco Puffs and turned the channel to whatever network was broadcasting “Looney Tunes”. And that’s where you saw Daffy Duck get all his damn feathers blow the fudge off with a shotgun. That’s where you saw Wile E. Coyote fall off dangerous precipices in the Grand Canyon and blow himself up time and again with those no-good, faulty incendiary devices from ACME (which makes you wonder. . .why did Wile E. continue to patronize that company time and again? Why didn’t he try to get his money back? Or, at least call the damn BBB on their ass!) And that’s were you saw a punk-wuss Sylvester the Cat get the shit kicked out of him by a kangaroo he’d mistakenly thought was a giant mouse. And were you horrified? Were you aghast and filled with righteous indignation? Not hardly. You laughed.

The next time you probably laughed at something violent was in grade school. Remember grade school? Apathetic teachers, moldy bathrooms, grade F mystery meat and playground politics so gruesome and vicious, they would make even that unrepentantly evil Dick Cheney sob hysterically. Do you perhaps recall when two kids, full of piss and vinegar, got into a bitching contest and came to blows over it? Remember what happened when one of the kids knocked the motherfudge out of the other kid? Remember how cool and funny it was? And when we recalled it the next day, as we retold it, we laughed! We didn’t care if some poor kid had gotten his head cracked open or his teeth knocked out of his mouth. The fight was funny and we laughed.

Now, in order not to blame our parents for our desensitization to violence (which is very tempting because our parents are usually to blame for most of the hell in our lives, right?), it is important to look at the country we were born and raised in. Yeah, that’s right I’m talking about America – that vicious, devious bitch (God Bless her!).

Think about it. America was stolen because of and subsequently founded upon Manifest Destiny. In other words, our founding fathers raped the land, and mindfucked the Indians into self-imposed exile on reservations like so much wall-eyed, nonchalant, cud-chewing cattle.
European colonization was all about violence. Pasty, thin-lipped white guys and their equally pasty women and chillun came over from England looking for a place where they could bust loose and go buck wild. When they got to America, it was on like a pot of neck bones! Free from suppressive (and largely hypocritical) Victorian morals and reactions, the colonists reverted to their primal nature – bloodthirsty sons of bitches. They did what all folks do when they leave home and go someplace where no one knows who the hell they are and no one is going to be able to go and blab to the folks back home what they did – they explored the facets of their personalities that heretofore they’d had to repress for fear of silver bells and cockle shells.

So, as I drove home from the movie, still all a-twitter and a-flutter and tingling from the sheer sensation of the experience, I realized that if I was the kind of person who took violence seriously, I never would have enjoyed “Pulp Fiction”.

In other words, as an American, I have violence in my blood, in my genetic code. As my French friend, Antoine says, “You Americans are obsessed with violence”. To some extent, that is true. But, we aren’t obsessed with violence because we want to be but, because we were given no other choice. As the drug lords say, “Silver or lead, bitch!”. My response to violence, while not constructive, is nevertheless typical. When violence is funny to us, then often that means our response is a defense mechanism (or contraption, if you prefer).

We laugh because with so much bloody, heart-wrenching nonsense going on in the world, we just don’t feel like crying about some guy getting his ass shot off fifteen minutes into the movie.

Copyright 2005. . .galaxyMafia will continue to laugh whenever some dumb fugger gets clocked in the face with a bag of hot nickels! (Unless it's Eddie Cibrian. . .then she will be dismayed and damaged!)