Happy Birthday to us!

Who would have thought that two opinionated black girls from Texas, with too much time on their hands and not enough cash, would have been able to focus on a blog for one solid year? Okay so there was that time in May 2005 (it was summer and we both had some serious issues so give us a break yo!) when we slacked off in a major way but we’ve pretty much stayed the course since then. We’ve even managed to make a few friends, a few enemies and hopefully, entertained and educated our readers along the way.

Most of all, we’ve been able to relieve some stress by sounding off on some of the hottest topics of the day (racism, sexism…pretty much all the major “isms”) as well as some of the old tried and true areas of discord such as why men are so dangnabit stupid and why women continue to put up with their shit as well as, and this is the part that really chaps our collective hides here at SATS, assist them in their mistreatment of us by buying into their idea of what women should be. But that, as we say here at SATS, is another post altogether. So on with the festivities!

Sit back, relax, and join us as we take a tour through the last twelve months of our existence; the highs…the lows…the kvetching and moaning…the calling out of politicians, public figures, celebrities, and the common rabble (and yes even ourselves!) on their shit…so on and so on ad nauseam (or ad infinitum if you prefer)…:

Extra! Extra! Miss Sakamoto Interviews The Sushi Girls™!

Miss Sakamoto: Why did you want to start a blog?

galaxyMafia: Initially, this blog was called The Sushi Diaries and it's sole function was to support the non-fiction novel GD and I were writing called "How To Eat Sushi Off A Guy" or something like that. I may have the title wrong. But, the blog was created to generate interest in the book. I was hoping that if lots of people came to our blog and started talking about it, publishers would come a-knockin' with book deals. Well, that's what I get for hoping, right?

Glamour Diva: Because GM wanted to start a blog to support the non-fiction novel we were writing. I always thought blogs were silly and a bit self-indulgent and I’m self-indulgent enough as it is (as proven by my ever expanding middle) but GM was able to convince me this would be the exception. Well it wasn’t. Sometimes it’s a chore and I really do “phone it in” on occasion but “hope springs eternal” as the poem goes; Random House is bound to catch on soon. Right?!?!?

MS: What is your favorite entry?

GM: I don't have one specific favorite but I like the "Shut Up" posts by GD. As for my own posts, well, I think they're all kind of silly. The truth is, I am not the best non-fiction satirist. I'm much better at fiction which is why I introduced serialized fiction to the blog. . .don't know if that was a good idea or not????

GD: This is hard! I love all my babies but I guess if I had a shotgun to my head and Dick Cheney’s dirty, raggedy, claws on my booty I’d have to pick All Hail Glamour Diva! Queen of All She Surveys! I think it really set the tone for the blog and the way GM and I think about men. I also love GM’s White Girls Can’t Loose! It’s funny because it’s true! [Giggle]

MS: What is your favorite comment?

GM: In March of 2005, when we first put the blog up, my sister gave us our first comments and I'll always appreciate that. Here's another comment I like: "I'm with you on this galaxyMafia. I dig Ben, too regardless of how smaltzy the movie is." That was posted by Donna and it was cool to find someone else who could appreciate a tall, handsome man. I wrote a post about Ben Affleck as a counter to all the foolishness about a certain "zebra" who acts on a FOX show and whose name I shall not write in this interview!! I promise!!!

GD: Oh this one is easy! I sho nuff love "Bob" telling me how fine he is and how I couldn't handle a real man like him! Not only is it representative of most of my experiences with the opposite species but it was the beginning of my very first blogosphere fight!

MS: Whose name are you always happy to see in your comments?

GM: Other than my sister, I have to say probably a lady named Donna.

GD: Yes Ms. Donna is my favorite too! We miss you Donna!

MS: What are your favorite blogs/bloggers?

GM: I really don't look at other people's blogs. If I do, I start thinking, “I don't have time to read this. I need to work on my own blog!

GD: I don’t really have a favorite either. The ones we have listed on the blog are good but I don’t think I could call any of them my “fav”. I really don’t have time for too much intense blog reading ya know?

MS: If you could change/rewrite one blog, what would it be?

GM: I'd probably take "Bulletproof Love" and cast another actor. Maybe Eddie Cibrian, or even Ben. But then I like them so it would have a completely different tone.

GD: I don’t think I would change anything really. I like going back and reading about whatever it was that interested me or pissed me off in the past. I like seeing how much I’ve grown…or not grown as the case may be…

MS: What has changed most for you in the past year?

GM: I have become a lot meaner and more contrary. I can't stand or put up with anything but, I know I have issues and I'm working on them. Sort of.

GD: Well I certainly write more which is good but other than that, nothing damn much! I was always a contrary, verbal bitch so really nothing.

MS: What has your greatest accomplishment been in the past year?

GM: I finished my romantic comedy and I actually allowed other people besides my sister to read it and they liked it. I'm also writing a mystery and my co-workers really like that so I figure I'm soon to be published.

GD: Once again, my writing. There’s more of it now and I’m more disciplined about getting it out there.

MS: What man/men personify your tagline the most?

GM: Believe it or not, I have to say Ben Affleck. I suppose he is my dream soulmate (Jenny G notwithstanding) but, really, when he opens his mouth nothing comes out put pontification, postulation, speculation and invocation. It's all sound and fury signifying nothing. Pomp and circumstance without sentiment or substance. Other than that, it's all good.

GD: No question…Paul Walker baby! If there is anyone who should be objectified and not heard it’s that walking Faberge Egg! He’s utterly useless but good night is he ever beautiful!

The Twelve Months Of Sex and the Sushi

So we totally cribbed this idea from Bitch magazine but since they’ve been around for ten years and we’ve only been blogging for one, we really couldn’t have lots of big lists on our top ten thus and suches so we decided to do lots of little lists on our top twelve thus and suches. [Heh! Get it? One for each month!]

12 Sexy Men We Love – The Game, Xzibit, Jonathan Togo, Adam Rodriguez, Matthew Gray Gubler, Common, Evan Marriott, Ben Affleck, Eddie Cibrian, Tom Brady, Jerry O'Connell, The Rock

12 Men We’d Marry If We Believed In Marriage – Barack Obama, Al Gore, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Tavis Smiley, Ed Bradley, Ken Griffey Jr., Boris Becker, Nate Berkus, Shane Lynch, Peton Manning, Ronde and Tiki Barber


12 Men We’d Quit Our Jobs For – Steve Jobs, The Sultan Of Brunei, Leonard Lauder, Haim Saban, Charles C. Butt, David Filo, John R. Menard, Jr., Prince Harry, Larry Ellison, the Google Guys, Richard Branson


12 Sexy Men Over 40 We Love – Harry Belafonte, Paul Newman, Harvey Keitel, Richard Roundtree, Robert DeNiro, Keanu Reeves, Tom Selleck, Tom Wopat, Timothy Dalton, Donald Sutherland, Avery Brooks, Dennis Haysbert


12 Men Prettier Than Wentworth Miller – Carlos “Caco” Ricci Souza, Leo Peixoto, Paul Walker, Travis Fimmel, Jude Law, Ryan Phillippe, Elijah Wood, Jason Momoa, Orlando Bloom, Tom Welling, Louis Garrel, Karim Aum


12 Mopeds (“Fun to ride but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on it”) We Hate To Love – 50 Cent, Scott Stapp, Lenny Kravitz, Vince Vaughn, Bono, Tego Calderón, Michael Buble, Mark Walberg, David Beckam, Jesse James, Jay McGraw, Jesse Metcalf

And One Mo Damn Thing!

Ms. GD and galaxyMafia don’t agree on many things but one thing we are always of one mind on is how much we love or readers – Thank you so much to all our Dear Readers!

When we started this we never expected to garner such a following or any following for that matter. But with great power comes great…HATERS!

Yes we know we’re hated (or at the very least despised) by many of our more disgruntled (yet still very much loved) readers. To you we give our most sincere and heartfelt thanks for disliking us so very much and for expressing that dislike all up and down our blog! With out you we would not have experienced a 50% jump in page views as well as recognition on other sites/blogs/forums. So keep on hating on us, linking to our blog, talking trash behind our backs, removing us from your sites and leaving us “anonymous” comments. We really do appreciate it! Seriously…we do!

Cheers!

Smooches and High Fives,
galaxyMafia & Glamour Diva

GalaxyMafia has said it before and she will say it again: There is no one as pretty as Paul Walker (not even Wentworth Miller, sorry!). Unfortunately, there is no one quite so irrevocably and categorically dumb, either. Never was the evidence of that fact more clear than with Walker’s latest theatrical release, “Running Scared”.

Oops. . .he did it again!

Paul Walker has said in the past that he hates being called a pretty boy, and that he disdains movie roles that rely on his looks as opposed to his acting skills. And you have to know that it would be hard for Walker to disdain anything, as he probably has no frame of reference for the meaning of that word. And as for those mythical acting skills, galaxyMafia supposes that Walker is talking about his ability to come off as a scatterbrained lug nut in every part he plays.

Walker is no less the ludicrous Neanderthal in “Running Scared”. He plays the same sun-kissed blue eyed laid-back slacker, the flip flop-wearing, hang-ten surfer fool that he always manages to pull off. The only difference is, in “Running Scared”, Paul bastardizes and mutilates a Brooklyn accent. His supposed to come off like a “Sopranos”-type hood but he ends up sounding like Fran Drescher – loud, nasal and annoying.

His character, a small time hood named Joey Gazelle, is given the task of getting rid of a gun that was used to kill a cop. It’s a job so easy that even a monkey could do it, and that’s an insult to the monkey. Instead of breaking the gun up into several pieces and dissolving it in battery acid, Joey hides the gun in his basement in a hole covered by what looks to be particleboard. This might not be so bad if Joey didn’t have a belligerent young son who doesn’t know when to sit down, shut up and do what the hell his parents tell him. The son is crafty, insubordinate and too damn curious for his own damn good. So why would Joey put guns where they could be easily found by his kid? Why, to advance the ridiculous plot, of course.

But the funny this is, “Running Scared”, despite its advertisements, is not a film about crime, or the mob or guns. Even though it steals plot devices from various movies, including “Pulp Fiction”, “The Matrix” and “Snatch” to name a few, at the core of its being, “Running Scared” is a cautionary tale for young boys full of too much piss and vinegar, for the audience, and most importantly, for Paul Walker.

Hansel Reinvented

Just because Paul Walker stars in this flick doesn’t mean it’s about him. It’s not Joey who’s running scared. If the movie were about Paul’s character, it would be called “Fucking Stupid”. The truth is, “Running Scared” is a description of the real star of this film, Cameron Bright, who plays Oleg.

Little Oleg, an asthmatic, is a friend of Joey’s son and it is his character that sets the wheels in motion. Oleg is the victim of an abusive, John Wayne-obsessed stepfather who beats him. His mother, a former Russian prostitute, loves him but is apathetic and ineffective. After Oleg steals the gun Joey the Ignoramus was supposed to ditch, that’s when the script is officially flipped.

From that point on, “Running Scared” becomes a warning to bad little boys who disobey their parents. As the movie progresses, we follow Oleg on a twisted fairytale as he encounters grave dangers that multiply exponentially. Oleg has to deal with a ghoulish crack addict who’s a cross between the Grim Reaper and a Rasta. A “Mack Daddy” pimp and his prostitute. A creepy husband and wife child molesting/tormenting team whose fiendish evilness was so apathetic and yet so pervasive that galaxyMafia is still glancing over her shoulders every now and then. And if that weren’t enough, he almost gets his ass shot off at a hockey rink by a Russian mobster. Every step of the way, down every path Oleg takes there is blood, guns, carnage, and death.

The lesson to young boys is clear:
Don’t steal
Don’t play with guns
Don’t mess with drugs
Don’t talk to strangers
Don’t play hockey – after all, you aren’t Canadian.


Stop the movie, I want my fugging money back!

“Running Scared” has already been made before, several times, by much better writers and directors. You’d be better off renting “Snatch” or “Reservoir Dogs” than wasting your money on this ridiculous tripe.

Still, if you must go, look out for these bright spots:

1) The word “nigga” used to describe people who are not of color. Don’t know what the writer was trying to prove, or what kind of political statement he was trying to achieve but, when a blue-eyed, blond-haired California white boy with salt water in his veins and sand between his ears is referred to as a “nigga” by another, less-dazzling but still equally white guy, you know it’s time to create a damn drinking game. Break out the Chivas Regal and the Alize!
2) Oleg’s crazy as fuck stepfather is fine as hell!! You don’t get to see this until the end of the movie (and that means you’ll be forced to either sit through the entire two hour farce or try to sneak in and catch the last thirty minutes) but girls, it’s a real treat. His body is banging up against a wall, knocking a hole right through it and coming out on the other side!! Now, the dude looks like he’s been beat with the ugly stick about the face but, from the neck down, it’s on like a pot of chicken bones!
3) The end credits. Even though you’ll want to get the hell up and leave, try to stick around. You’ll see Oleg’s nightmarish adventure drawn in vivid color like a fairytale graphic novel. It’s cool and original and, really, it’s the best damn part of the movie. Also, watch for all the Eastern European names listed as film crew. Apparently, part of the film was shot in Prague although, to galaxyMafia, it looked like they were in New Jersey.
4) The scene in which Paul Walker gets hit in the mouth with a hockey puck and manages to keep all his teeth. The bad guys beat the shit out of him, and yet, he remains beautiful even with his face in a pool of his own steaming blood.
5) The F-word. Who the hell knew there were so many different variations of the word “fuck”. They used it as every part of speech – as a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, a gerund, a dangling participle. . .

Memo to Paul Walker:

Paul, this is the last time galaxyMafia will say this: You’re pretty. Just do a damn romantic comedy and call if a freaking day. You don’t see Matt McCougnehey bitching and kvetching, do you? That fool knows he’s handsome and he understands what kind of movies a handsome guy works well in. “Failure to Launch” was No. 1 at the box office this weekend. Paul, that could have been you. . .it should have been you. I mean, Matt’s got his own place but, you’ve said yourself you’re a scrub. Stop trying to fight the inevitable. Just give in. You’re never going to be a big action star, or a gritty character actor. You’re pretty so my advice to you is to just accept it, and move on to a starring role with Reese Witherspoon in a delightful romantic remake of “Roman Holiday”, or “Father Goose”, or “Funny Face” or whatever the damn hell.

2005 copyright galaxyMafia. . .should have went to see the movie with Paul and the snow dogs instead!

Well, 2006 is here and it's time, ladies, to make some New Year's Resolutions. . .forget about losing weight and giving up cigarettes. Instead, make a resolution to objectify more men!!

galaxyMafia's list of the top four types of men to objectify in 2006!!






Whether he's pretty smart like good ole "Stinky" Miller. . .or pretty damn dumb like Paul Walker, it doesn't matter. . .if the guy's pretty. . .then, make it your duty to objectify him.





THE YOUNG CHICKEN. . .

Sure, he's young enough to be the little smelly, snot nosed brat you used to baby-sit but, why don't you take another look at this jail bait. Kinda gives new meaning to the "edge of seventeen" don't it. . .(Go Stevie Nicks!!)






THA PLAYA. . .

Don't hate the pimpilicious cat daddy. . .objectify him!











THE BRAHMA BULL. . .
Obviously, this is galaxyMafia's favorite man to objectify. . .thick and juicy like a 46 oz steak!!











copyright 2005. . .galaxyMafia sincerely hopes that you have an objectifying New Year!!!

Death Is Not An Option!

Which "Paul" Would You Rather Get It On With? Sean Paul Paul Walker I can only choose one? Damn! Current Results

"I hate it. . .I sometimes wish my nose was broken once or twice more. People discount me ... I've always had a chip on my shoulder about that."
– Paul Walker on being called a “pretty boy”

Dear Paul, I agree.

It bothers me that you are so pretty, as well. For a long time, I have felt that you need to “ugly up” a bit but, unfortunately, I have no idea what on earth you could possibly do to become ugly. Short of some spell cast on you by some wicked witch or having acid thrown at you (which I would not want you to have to go through), I think you’re stuck with that pretty mug of yours. I understand you want your nose broken, and while I would be happy to do it, I really don’t think it would work. Some overzealous plastic surgeon would patch you right up and then you’d be right back where you started. Also, I don’t think you realize how it would hurt to have your nose broken. So, before you have something like that done to yourself, you should probably consider your tolerance for pain.

Paul, I fear that unless you get hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels (and who knows if that will do the trick), you will always and forever be pretty. Alas, I cannot feel your pain Paul. I do not, nor will I ever know, what it is like to be a 6”3, blue-eyed, blonde surfer dude. But, here is what I think you should do. Instead of being upset, as Beyonce would say, work your damn jelly. Paul, not only are you incredibly handsome (and I mean that in the worst way possible) but you are tall and that is no small feat. Women drop dead in the street for you Paul. They will quit their jobs at Wal-Mart for you. They will make you grits and cornbread and collard greens and rice and gravy. They rob will liquor stores for you. They will fight each other in the street with homemade shanks and broken beer bottles for you. Women will brush your hair and stroke your cheek and sing you lullabies and tuck you in tight under the covers. I say you should take advantage of this somehow. Inside of you, there is bound to be a creative, enterprising young man who can find some way to exploit a woman willing to let you lay your head on her ample bosom! So, take heart and be of good cheer!

I know you think people don’t take you seriously and you are right, we don’t. You are just too disconcertingly pretty. As Glamour Diva would say, it is rather difficult to look directly at you and I would not advise people to stare at you too long or they could began to suffer from spatial dementia.

That being said, stop trying to be taken seriously. Being taken seriously is overrated anyway. People take Tom Hanks seriously but does he have women lined up in the street offering to be sold into white slavery for just the barest trace of a chance to be with him? Can he walk into a room and know that any girl in the place would be willing to give Karl Rove and Dick Cheney a tongue bath just for the possibility of getting his phone number? You have so much to be thankful for Paul! And you have nothing to be upset about! Well, except your spotty movie career. . .but, that’s a whole ‘nother article!

Cheer up and fight for your right to be pretty!


copyright 2005. . .galaxyMafia

The Problem. . .
So, you see a good-looking guy in the dry cleaners/library/grocery store/post office/county lock-up and you’re wondering, should you objectify him? You hem and haw, internalize and analyze and by the time you decide that, okay, you just might do it, he’s already gone. That is a common problem women face. Alas, you are not alone.

The Pitfall. . .
Women were told, as little girls, that it was not nice to stare. We were trained to even exhibit body language that could preclude us from gawking openly at good-looking men (i.e., we keep our heads down and look up through our lashes which, if they are long, impede or obstruct our view). Remember how you used to hide behind your mother’s skirt, shyly taking a quick glance. Little girls are taught to peek, to hold our hands up over our eyes and peer between the spaces of our index and middle fingers. We are encouraged to look away.

The Plot hole. . .
Psychologists and feminists and talk show hosts would have you believe that objectifying a man is a waste of time, or detrimental to your self-esteem and self-worth or some other such tomfoolery but don’t let ‘em shanghai you! Objectifying men is quick, easy and painless. You can do it on your lunch hour, on the elevator in between floors, on the drive home during rush hour traffic, in a business meeting, even on a date. . .especially on a date as it is never a good idea to give a man too much of your attention – he won’t be able to handle it (but that’s another post altogether). Objectifying a man can take five seconds or five minutes and trust me, it won’t damage your psyche. As galaxyMafia always says, “It is a far better thing to gawk at a man than talk to him lest you risk your damn sanity.”

Do’s and Don’ts of objectification

DON’T think of the man as a human being. This is a common problem most women face. We can’t just look at the man and think, he’s cute! No, we have to start wondering what he does for a living, and what his hobbies are and where he lives and yadda, yadda, yadda. DON’T do this. Inevitably, it will only end in disillusionment when you learn that he’s a disenfranchised cable repairman thinking about getting a degree from ITT Tech, that he likes to play paint ball and stage farting contests with his frat brothers on the weekends and that he lives with his cousin (and his bed is that piss-stained mattress in the corner of the living room that he found out by the Dumpster at the last apartment complex he lived in until he broke his lease).

DON’T engage in conversation with the man you are objectifying. Trust me, he will say something profoundly ignorant and completely ruin the experience for you – you may never want to objectify a man again. Hmmm. . .makes me wonder if men do that on purpose to keep us from objectifying them. Then again, men aren’t clever enough nor do they possess the aptitude and diligence required to pull off such subterfuge.

DON’T be nice when you objectify a man. Objectification requires tenacious ruthlessness. Look at the man. Pronounce him gorgeous/fine/sexy/hot whatever adjective you favor. Eat him up with your eyes. Then move on. It should be like chewing gum. When you get tired of the flavor (and you will get tired of staring at his hot ass), then spit it out and don’t even worry whose shoe it ends up on the bottom of.

DON’T waste time wondering if you should objectify a man. You might miss the opportunity. If you see a hottie in Starbucks buying a cheese Danish (he might just be a damn metrosexual but that’s another post altogether!), don’t stand there wringing your hands, wondering what to do. Quickly ask yourself these three questions:
Is he handsome/gorgeous/really adorable/super cute?
Is he tall? As for galaxyMafia, I don’t even look at a man if he’s not at least six feet.
Does he have a nice body?
If you can answer “Hell, yeah!” to one or more of those 3 questions, then stop standing there and start objectifying!

DO wait until he smiles before you commit yourself to objectifying him. Nothing can turn your stomach faster and ruin your moment of objectification than seeing a really hot
guy with a mouth full of stained, jagged, crooked, rotten teeth. Gap-toothed yuck mouths CANNOT be objectified no matter how handsome they are. Sorry.

When you see an exceptionally good-looking man, DO stare openly, DON’T blush and giggle and look away. You are not in the third grade anymore! Besides, this is a free
damn country (well. . .at least for some folks it is) and you can look at whomever you please. And if the good-looking SOB has the unmitigated balls to front you out and ask you what you are looking at, you tell him, “I’m looking at you, mofo!” DON’T let no man punk you!

DON’T objectify just okay-looking men. You know the ones I’m talking about. They aren’t drop dead gorgeous, they’re just sorta kinda cute. The men you objectify should all be, on a scale of one to ten, a thirteen. This is another problem women face. They give men the benefit of the doubt. If a guy is thisclose to being gorgeous, the woman will be nice (we’re trained to do that, remember) and will fill in the gap in her mind for him. DON’T do that. Men are not as charitable to us. If a guy wants a 34DD cup and you are a 33.25 DD cup, you best know that he will kick you to the curb and make bets with his friends on how long it will take you to get up and in which direction you will stumble away, broken, humiliated and tearful.

DON’T fantasize about the guy. This is another problem women have. That’s because women can’t fantasize without making it a huge MGM Technicolor Ringling Bros./Barnum and Bailey production. When men fantasize, they see boobs, ass, legs, etc. And for that reason, fantasy and objectifying is interchangeable with them. Women are not like that. When we fantasize, we have five acts, a script, a re-write of the script, revisions of the re-write. We go through the first glance, first date, first kiss, first time in the sack, first fight. We detail the meeting of the friends, the in-laws, the proposal, the engagement, the wedding (the dress, the cake, the flowers, the reception), the kids (and we name them all), the divorce, the re-marriage. It can literally take us three damn days to fantasize about some guy! The key to objectification is brevity. It is quick and easy, kinda like a Pop Tart or a Hot Pocket. Think microwave hot chocolate, not the kind of cocoa that involves milk and vanilla and a pot and 30 minutes. Just look at the guy, appreciate that he’s tasty and then go on your merry way.

DO make sure you have a long list of guys to objectify. Here’s my point: Men, inevitably, will do something stupid. And it’s hard to objectify a stupid man. (This is why galaxyMafia has problems objectifying Paul Walker, even though he is exceptionally pretty. I think he’s a lug nut). So, when a guy you objectify does something Cro-Magnon, you might have to drop him. However, you will not fear because you have other men that are just as tasty and will have not, so far, reverted back to their Neanderthal state.

Ladies, I wrote all that to say. . .objectification is simple and easy. Don’t think too hard about it or read too much into it. Remember, “Alice in Wonderland” was just a story Mr. Barrie told to past the time while babysitting some damn hyperactive brats.

Instead of my usual recapping of celebrity pseudo-events, I’d like to rant about something entirely different dear reader. The last few comments I’ve received (all from “Bob”) have been quite salty indeed and Ms. GD simply can not sit on her neatly manicured hands any longer! Now let me preface this by saying…Bob…that the following open letter has almost nothing to do with you so don’t go getting your panties in a twist and sending me all sorts of nasty little emails and comments. Okay pookie pants? To paraphrase Carly Simon (translation: misquote), you’re so [lame], I bet you think this post is about you! (Giggle, snicker, guffaw)

Are you ready dear reader? It’s time to play…SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS with your host, GLAMOUR DIVA! [Insert canned cheers, applause, and calls for Ms. GD’s immediate appointment to Queen of the United States]…

My Dear Male Subjects,

Why oh why do you persist in reaching beyond your grasp? And why must you always give women the emotional bitch slap when they try to do the same? What I’m writing about gentlemen is the age old quandary of why men think they are entitled to any woman they desire and why women are repeatedly made to settle for less! Just who the frig do you think you are? I mean really! Read this very carefully gentlemen. Print it out and place it right next to that moldy condom you've been keeping in your wallet because you will certainly need to refer to it on occasion. What you are about to read are the hitherto unspoken and unpublished rules for mating with the female of the species:

1. “To thine own self be true” – Know what you REALLY want. If you only like Asian women then for pity’s sake don’t bother the black/white/Latino ones! If you only like thin women then for the love of Mike, don’t so much as speak to the fat ones! And if you only like young tender chickens then mercy, mercy me leave the geriatric patients the hell alone! We all have an innate sense of what turns us on and what turns us completely the frig off so listen to what your heart and mind is telling you and don’t let “society” tell you any different cause we all know she’s a nosey heifer!

2. “Start with the man in the mirror” – Yes it’s cruel but we all know who the ugly ass people are and they know it too! If you know you’re a troll then embrace your troll-ness (Now when I say troll I mean troll! Not cute, cuddly garden gnome or kindly elf or fuzzy footed Hobbit but T.R.O.L.L.! If you still aren’t sure then keep this handy image in mind…garden gnome=Tony Blair, Troll=Alan Greenspan).

3. “No romance without finance” – If you’ve discovered that you’re a troll then be prepared to spend some money! Even if you find another troll mate you are still gonna have to spend some dough so baby get used to it (Just because your woman is ugly doesn’t mean she can’t do any better than your ugmo butt)! The amount of money you spend will always rise in direct response to how physically unattractive you are so if you can frighten Quasimodo then you better have more cheese than the Sultan of Brunei!

4. “Diversify” – If you can’t beat’em…do something else! Admittedly, not everyone on the planet can be filthy rich or as pretty as Paul Walker (no one is as pretty as Paul Walker!) so if you aren’t one of the previous, here are other things you can do/be:

a) Smart-Not just cleaver but mondo intelligent like Jonas Salk, Nikola Tesla, Blaise Pascal or Charles Babbage. Women (especially Ms. GD) dig smarties!

b) Nice-That’s right guys; it really works! If you have impeccable manners, love your mother, are kind to animals, and don’t talk to women like they just grew a tail then they will dig you. It might take her a while to see past the sparkling blue of Paul Walker’s eyes, or the quadruple threat of Tiki and Ronde Barber’s biceps but yes she will eventually see you and she will be pleased!

c) Casanova Incarnate- Please don’t turn this section into a license to be a cad (See letter b)! Just because you think you could sweet talk the panties off Claire of Assisi doesn’t mean you should. But there is something to be said about the ability to lay pipe and lay it well. The one thing to remember, the one thing that most men forget is that not all women are alike. This means that just because activity “A” made Peggy’s toes curl does not mean that the same activity will make BunKeisha’s toes curl. In fact, it just might piss her off so if I were you I’d ask her first! Now, I suggest you get several sex books (BOOKS! Not porno magazines!), read them, take notes, talk to women openly and honestly about sex (don’t try to screw them! Damn! Just Talk! You know, like you do with your boys and ugly women?), stop masturbating for a while (Just trust me on this one please), and take your time!

5. “No friggin means no!” – If you are unwilling or unable to do any of the previous, then leave us all the hell alone! Please don’t blow up our cell/home phones, buy us gifts, send us shout outs over the radio or stalk us! We don’t want you. Go away and stop begging for a bone like the dirty, flea infested dog you are! How would you feel if an ugly woman kept riding your ass? That’s right! That is precisely how we feel! By George I think he’s got it!

I know this seems harsh and rude as all get out but it has to be said because men lie! You say you want Marie Curie, Naomi Campbell, and Mother Teresa all rolled into one but what you really want is an even more vapid version of Naomi Campbell (Or Amber Valletta or Giselle Bundchen or who the frig ever!) to gap her legs for you whenever YOU want her to and to never speak until she’s spoken to!

Maybe, just maybe, after you’re ancient and you’ve run through most of the women in the Western Hemisphere, you’ll start to think about how you’ve wasted your life on wine, women and song and how now you’d like a true companion and a couple of kids but guess what? The women who fit the description are also ancient with dried up ovaries and the young women with moist, succulent ovaries…let me hear you say it baby…WON’T WANT AN OLD TROLL LIKE YOU! Scary ain’t it?

And now back to your regularly scheduled program …GD

OKay, I was already pissed at Ryan because he clowned Reese at the 2002 Academy Awards.
You remember that? His shameless, unabashed display of malicious spite and vengeful envy (yes, baby, mama has been off up in the thesaurus) towards his wife just because she makes much paper and he has, like, no cheddar (not even the fake, processed kind that you spread on crackers with that little red stick).

But he's pretty so I kinda forgave him.

Now this good-looking crack monster had pissed me off again.

Once again, he is clowning Reese in public. Because of his unsportsman like conduct, Reese now finds herself on the cover of US magazine with a large bright yellow caption that reads: Reese's Lonely Marriage.

You see, this past Easter, Ryan acted a complete and total monkey and refused to go to Easter Services with Reese and little Ava. Now, he might just be a Phillistine but, even heathens somehow stumble, trip or get bitch-slapped into church on Easter! This libertine (dig that Anglo-anachronism!) went out for beer!

I don't care how pretty he is (and he is pretty BUT not as pretty as Paul Walker*), this is what Reese needs to do:

1) grab that fool by the throat and tell him, once and for damn all, not to clown her in public!
2) put some brass knuckles on and clock that joker square dead in the face. . .see, Ryan's problem is that he's pretty and he knows he's pretty. . .I don't think he'd be so flippant and apathetic if Reese would go ahead and beat him with that ugly stick like she ought to!

Now Ryan. . .some men would kill to be in your position. . .you have a beautiful wife who's compulsively devoted to you AND she makes a lot of money PLUS she probably didn't make you sign a pre-nup. I say, (instead of listening to hip hop on your iPod) sit down, shut up and be the damn trophy husband. Look at Kevin Federline. . .you don't see him trippin', do you?

*NOTE: No one is as pretty as Paul Walker.

galaxyMafia
". . .ass up off the vig, bitch!"

Below is my list of the males of the species I’d like to sup with…or would that be sup off? Sup on? It really doesn’t matter because none of then would have the frijoles to let me do it! Okay, maybe Che would if he were still alive. And I’m sure Senator Obama would if he weren’t happily married and I know Jack Johnson would if he were still alive but the others? Hell NO! What bloody cowards…

Adrian Brody
Al Gore
Andre 3000
Barack Obama
Benicio Del Toro
Bruce Lee
Cary Grant
Che Guevara
Chow Yun-Fat
Colin Farrell
Daniel Craig
Dave Matthews
David Bowie
Djimon Hounsou
Dominic Purcell
Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock
Eddie Vedder
Eric Bana
Ewan McGregor
Frédéric Michalak
Gael Garcia-Bernal
Gavin Henson
Gene Kelly
Henry Cele
Hill Harper
Hugh Jackman (as Wolverine)
Ian Thorpe
Jack Johnson
James Stewart
Jim Kelly
John Mayer
Joshua Jackson
Juan Gonzales
Keanu Reeves
Ken Watanabe
Lemar Obika
Lennox Lewis
Lewis Taylor
Luke Wilson
Ma'a Nonu
Malili "Mils" Muliaina
Massimiliano Rosolino
Matthew McConaughey
Michael A. Rae, Ph.D.
Michael Phelps
Mos Def
Orlando Bloom
Paul Walker
Rakim
Raymond Ayala aka Daddy Yankee
Robert DeNiro
Roberto Clemente
Russell Crowe (as Maximus)
Samuel Le Bihan
Sean Paul
Steve Jobs
Tupac Shakur
Tyrese
Wentworth Miller
Wes Anderson

Glamour Diva reserves the right to delete from or add to this list whenever she sees fit. If your "hunk of burning love" is absent from this list then I am not sorry to say that I do not care! However, if you’d like to debate the issue with me please feel free to email Miss Sakamoto with your worthy candidates. I might respond or maybe not. How can you possible expect me to concentrate on your petty concerns when the universe is expanding! Geeeeeez but you are a selfish Nelly!