SIONE LAUAKI. . .SHAPE SHIFTER!!
Chapter Two
Sione Lauaki woke with a start, chest heaving, his penis, regrettably, flaccid.
Yawning, he glanced around his room suspiciously as remnants from last night’s bizarre dream crammed into his head. . .although the remnants needn’t have worried about finding space in Sione’s brain as it was fairly empty at seven o’clock in the a.m.
What a fcuked up nightmare!!
He’d dreamed that a loud, booming voice was speaking to him. . .some ancient god called Tonilissi. . .or Tunalowu or. . .
“TANGALOA, N!GGA! GET MY NAME RIGHT! I’M TANGALOA, BITCH!!”
Oh. . .sh!t. . .
The loud, booming voice!!
There it was again!!
Was he still dreaming, Sione wondered, frantic, his flabby pee pee growing hard (eat ya heart out, Graham Henry!). Should he pinch himself, or –
“N!GGA, HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA TELL YOU?? YOU AIN’T DREAMING!!”
Trembling, Sione pulled the covers up to his thick neck. “W-what do you want?”
“N!GGA, DIDN’T WE GO OVER THIS LAST NIGHT? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?”
Terrified of giving the wrong answer, Sione whispered, “There’s evil in the All Blacks?”
“RIGHT! AND WHAT ELSE?”
“I have to get rid of it?” Sione guessed.
“GOOD JOB, MY N!GGA!” the booming voice said. “DON’T EVER LET THEM BLOODY THEIVIN’ COLONISTS TELL YOU THAT YOU AIN’T CAPABLE OF PAYING ATTENTION!”
“But, I do have problems paying attention,” Sione admitted, hoping the truth might, someway, somehow (please LAWD!!!) convince TANGALOA that he’d chosen the wrong n!gga to get rid of the evil.
“And I get really distracted by shiny objects,” Sione continued, “and I have problems with multiplication, and – ”
Sione Lauaki woke with a start, chest heaving, his penis, regrettably, flaccid.
Yawning, he glanced around his room suspiciously as remnants from last night’s bizarre dream crammed into his head. . .although the remnants needn’t have worried about finding space in Sione’s brain as it was fairly empty at seven o’clock in the a.m.
What a fcuked up nightmare!!
He’d dreamed that a loud, booming voice was speaking to him. . .some ancient god called Tonilissi. . .or Tunalowu or. . .
“TANGALOA, N!GGA! GET MY NAME RIGHT! I’M TANGALOA, BITCH!!”
Oh. . .sh!t. . .
The loud, booming voice!!
There it was again!!
Was he still dreaming, Sione wondered, frantic, his flabby pee pee growing hard (eat ya heart out, Graham Henry!). Should he pinch himself, or –
“N!GGA, HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA TELL YOU?? YOU AIN’T DREAMING!!”
Trembling, Sione pulled the covers up to his thick neck. “W-what do you want?”
“N!GGA, DIDN’T WE GO OVER THIS LAST NIGHT? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?”
Terrified of giving the wrong answer, Sione whispered, “There’s evil in the All Blacks?”
“RIGHT! AND WHAT ELSE?”
“I have to get rid of it?” Sione guessed.
“GOOD JOB, MY N!GGA!” the booming voice said. “DON’T EVER LET THEM BLOODY THEIVIN’ COLONISTS TELL YOU THAT YOU AIN’T CAPABLE OF PAYING ATTENTION!”
“But, I do have problems paying attention,” Sione admitted, hoping the truth might, someway, somehow (please LAWD!!!) convince TANGALOA that he’d chosen the wrong n!gga to get rid of the evil.
“And I get really distracted by shiny objects,” Sione continued, “and I have problems with multiplication, and – ”
“N!GGA, MULTIPLICATION IS JUST A FASTER WAY TO ADD!! NOW, STOP TRYING TO HIDE FROM YOUR DESTINY!!”
“M-my destiny. . .?”
“THE PRE-DETERMINED PATH FOR YOUR LIFE, N!GGA! NOW, LISTEN, YOU HAVE A LOT TO DO TODAY – ”
Sione shook his head. “But, I have training, and if I’m late, Ted will be really, really angry and I don’t like Ted when he’s angry – ”
“N!GGA, STOP ACTIN’ LIKE A BITCH! IS YOU 100% TONGAN, OR NOT?”
Sione nodded. “Yeah. . .I am. . .”
“THEN ACT LIKE IT!! YOU A TONGAN SOLJAH, N!GGA!”
Sione gulped. “I am a. . .T-tongan s-soldier. . .”
“YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I THINK I MADE A MISTAKE WHEN I. . .NEVER MIND, ANYWAY. . .YOU KNOW THAT PIRI WEEPU DIDN’T MAKE THE ALL BLACKS WORLD CUP TEAM, RIGHT. . .?”
“That’s because he got too fat,” Sione said. “And then he got drunk, and – ”
“N!GGA, I KNOW YOU AIN’T TRYNA TALK ABOUT A N!GGA BEING DRUNK!”
Sione felt ashamed, for it was common knowledge that he, too, had problems with grog.
“AND YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT NOBODY BEING FAT, EITHER!”
Sione felt worse. It was true; he could put on weight fairly quickly especially considering the amount of Mama’s chop suey he ate. Even Zinzan Brooke said he needed to lose at least 5-6 kilos!!
“AS I WAS SAYING, WEEPU DIDN’T MAKE THE TEAM, AND YOUR FIRST ASSIGNMENT – THAT MEANS TASK, OR JOB, BY THE WAY – IS TO FIND OUT THE REAL REASON THE ALL BLACKS SELECTORS FCUKED HIM OVER WIT NO VASELINE. . .”
Sione winced. That had to have hurt!
“YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO WEEPU. HIS ANSWERS MIGHT BE CRYPTIC – THAT MEANS MYSTERIOUS, OR HARD TO FIGURE OUT, BY THE WAY – BUT HIS ANSWERS WILL GIVE YOU CLUES TO HELP YOU PINPOINT THE SOURCE OF EVIL SO YOU CAN EXPOSE IT AND GET RID OF IT. . .”
Sione shook his head. “But, I have training, and if I’m late, Ted will be really, really angry and I don’t like Ted when he’s angry – ”
“N!GGA, STOP ACTIN’ LIKE A BITCH! IS YOU 100% TONGAN, OR NOT?”
Sione nodded. “Yeah. . .I am. . .”
“THEN ACT LIKE IT!! YOU A TONGAN SOLJAH, N!GGA!”
Sione gulped. “I am a. . .T-tongan s-soldier. . .”
“YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I THINK I MADE A MISTAKE WHEN I. . .NEVER MIND, ANYWAY. . .YOU KNOW THAT PIRI WEEPU DIDN’T MAKE THE ALL BLACKS WORLD CUP TEAM, RIGHT. . .?”
“That’s because he got too fat,” Sione said. “And then he got drunk, and – ”
“N!GGA, I KNOW YOU AIN’T TRYNA TALK ABOUT A N!GGA BEING DRUNK!”
Sione felt ashamed, for it was common knowledge that he, too, had problems with grog.
“AND YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT NOBODY BEING FAT, EITHER!”
Sione felt worse. It was true; he could put on weight fairly quickly especially considering the amount of Mama’s chop suey he ate. Even Zinzan Brooke said he needed to lose at least 5-6 kilos!!
“AS I WAS SAYING, WEEPU DIDN’T MAKE THE TEAM, AND YOUR FIRST ASSIGNMENT – THAT MEANS TASK, OR JOB, BY THE WAY – IS TO FIND OUT THE REAL REASON THE ALL BLACKS SELECTORS FCUKED HIM OVER WIT NO VASELINE. . .”
Sione winced. That had to have hurt!
“YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO WEEPU. HIS ANSWERS MIGHT BE CRYPTIC – THAT MEANS MYSTERIOUS, OR HARD TO FIGURE OUT, BY THE WAY – BUT HIS ANSWERS WILL GIVE YOU CLUES TO HELP YOU PINPOINT THE SOURCE OF EVIL SO YOU CAN EXPOSE IT AND GET RID OF IT. . .”
“B-but. . .I can’t talk to Piri,” Sione said. “We’re not really good friends. . .I don’t think he likes Tongans. . .he is Maori, you know. . .”
“YEAH, BUT WE AIN’T GONE HOLD THAT AGAINST THA N!GGA,” the booming voice said. “ALL N!GGAS CAN’T BE 100% TONGAN. . .BUT, N!GGA, I SAID YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO PIRI. . .I DIDN’T SAY YOU HAD TO TALK TO HIM. . .”
Sione rubbed his chin. “I don’t understand. . .”
“JESUS WEPT!! OKAY. . .LET ME EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU LIKE YOU STUPID, CAUSE OBVIOUSLY, YOU ARE. . .YOU NEED TO EAVESDROP – THAT MEANS LISTEN TO HIM WITHOUT LETTING HIM KNOW YOU’RE LISTENING – ON WEEPU WHICH MEANS YOU NEED TO BE AN INANIMATE OBJECT. . .LIKE AN ASHTRAY ON THE BAR WHERE HE’S HAVING A PINT OF GUINESS. . .”
“Ohhhhh. . .” Sione nodded. “Now I get it. . .I have to shift. . .”
“YEAH, BUT WE AIN’T GONE HOLD THAT AGAINST THA N!GGA,” the booming voice said. “ALL N!GGAS CAN’T BE 100% TONGAN. . .BUT, N!GGA, I SAID YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO PIRI. . .I DIDN’T SAY YOU HAD TO TALK TO HIM. . .”
Sione rubbed his chin. “I don’t understand. . .”
“JESUS WEPT!! OKAY. . .LET ME EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU LIKE YOU STUPID, CAUSE OBVIOUSLY, YOU ARE. . .YOU NEED TO EAVESDROP – THAT MEANS LISTEN TO HIM WITHOUT LETTING HIM KNOW YOU’RE LISTENING – ON WEEPU WHICH MEANS YOU NEED TO BE AN INANIMATE OBJECT. . .LIKE AN ASHTRAY ON THE BAR WHERE HE’S HAVING A PINT OF GUINESS. . .”
“Ohhhhh. . .” Sione nodded. “Now I get it. . .I have to shift. . .”
“RIGHT. . .”
“How do I do that?”
“VISUALIZE – THAT MEANS GET A PICTURE IN YOUR MIND, BY THE WAY – THE OBJECT YOU WANT TO SHIFT INTO. . .THEN CLAP THREE TIMES, LEFT FOOT STOMP, RIGHT FOOT STOMP, REVERSE, REVERSE, CHA-CHA, AND THEN GRAB YA NUTS!!”
Sione was discombobulated. “Right. . .clap. . .stomp. . .cha-cha. . .nuts. . .reverse – ”
“AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LET NOBODY SEE YOU DOING IT. NOW, I GOTTA GO– ”
“Wait!” Sione cried out. “How do I shift myself back?”
“IN YOUR HEAD, SING THE THEME SONG TO “GOOD TIMES”. . .”
“But, I don’t know the words to the theme song to “Good Times”!”
“WELL, N!GGA. . .I SUGGEST YOU FIND OUT!”
“How do I do that?”
“VISUALIZE – THAT MEANS GET A PICTURE IN YOUR MIND, BY THE WAY – THE OBJECT YOU WANT TO SHIFT INTO. . .THEN CLAP THREE TIMES, LEFT FOOT STOMP, RIGHT FOOT STOMP, REVERSE, REVERSE, CHA-CHA, AND THEN GRAB YA NUTS!!”
Sione was discombobulated. “Right. . .clap. . .stomp. . .cha-cha. . .nuts. . .reverse – ”
“AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LET NOBODY SEE YOU DOING IT. NOW, I GOTTA GO– ”
“Wait!” Sione cried out. “How do I shift myself back?”
“IN YOUR HEAD, SING THE THEME SONG TO “GOOD TIMES”. . .”
“But, I don’t know the words to the theme song to “Good Times”!”
“WELL, N!GGA. . .I SUGGEST YOU FIND OUT!”
copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia
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