Showing posts with label Asian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Asian. Show all posts

Why men want Asian b*tches!

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia

Sayonara 101

To understand how an Asian girl wraps a man around her finger, gets him to fall in love, and marry her, one only needs to do a half-ass analysis of the movie, “Sayonara”. Based on a novel by James Michener, this 1957 Warner Brothers releases stars Marlon Brando (one of galaxyMafia’s favorites) and Miiko Taka as an American war hero and a Japanese showgirl who fall in love despite opposition to their inter-racial romance.

GalaxyMafia must preface that “Sayonara” is one of her favorite movies, and she just can’t resist getting swept up in this tender, sappy romance with all of its melodrama, angst and lame “Romeo and Juliet” subplot. However, since the aftermath of her relationship (and she uses the term with disgust and reluctance) with a chickeshit toad who told her “sayonara” and skipped off into the sunset with a Korean twat, she wanted to see what effect watching a movie about “rice-chasers” would have upon her.

GalaxyMafia admits that “Sayonara” is not quite the same for her. She still likes the movie but, she couldn’t help scrutinizing the actions of the Asian women as they beguiled the witless servicemen; couldn’t help identifying with Eileen, the woman who “loses” Major Lloyd “Ace” Gruver (played with coon-ass Southern charm by Brando) to Hana-ogi, the Lead Dancer in the Shochiku Kagekidan Girls Revue.

Gracious and beautiful, Hana-ogi is poised and delicate, the very essence of Japanese tradition and dedication. But, take a closer look. Beneath those graceful manners lies a slick, clever scam artist. Hana-ogi is one Lotus flower who knows how to bewitch a man into falling in love, and eventually marrying her.

Hana-ogi is a model of how many Asian women operate, and it’s a model of success.

Asian women know that men want the unattainable.

When Ace Gruver first sees Hana-ogi, he is immediately smitten and wants an audience with her. Hana-ogi, who professes to hate Americans, is aloof and rebuffs his advances. In his quest to woo and win her, Gruver waits for her to walk across a bridge on her way to her house everyday. Each time Hana-ogi sees him, she turns her head. No matter what Gruver does, she resists. This resistance is carefully planned. Asian women know that men want what they are told they can’t have. The resistance makes the man want the Asian woman even more.

Asian woman know that men want to feel needed.

In one scene, as they share sake, Hana-ogi tells Ace Gruver that her life is planned, that she will dance and then once she is too old to dance, she will teach dance. She says this as if she is content with and resigned to this fate. Clearly, the opposite is true. Clearly, she wants a rich, white, prominent husband and she is setting her bait to catch him. Asian women know that men have a Hero Complex. Men want to rescue women from their plight, and feel like the big, strong, strapping savior. The Asian woman presents herself as a fragile flower who can’t take care of herself. Men want to feel needed, and the Asian woman is skilled in giving the man the illusion that she has to have him in order to make it in this cruel, lonely world.

Asian women know that men want to feel like men (and not like the wuss pansies we know they really are)

“I am so frightened and confused!” Hana-ogi says when Ace Gruver begs her to marry him and come back with him to America to raise “sweet, clean children” (as opposed to “sour, dirty children). Don’t think Hana-ogi is terrified and clueless. She knows exactly what is going on, and she knows exactly how to play this situation to her advantage. Hana-ogi, like many Asian women, understand that men long to calm your fears, and enlighten you, and her impassioned declaration is done to give Gruver the illusion of feeling as though he is her protector, and hero. In other words, with Hana-ogi, Gruver can feel like a MAN.

Asian women know how and when to be submissive

Hana-ogi asks Gruver if he will go back to the military base after their evening of sake and sex comes to an end. Gruver, puffed up with confidence after what he assumes was his satisfying performance, tells her, rather apathetically, that he is going to get some beer and girls and have some real fun. Now, what do you think Hana-ogi’s response is? Does she shrink back in disgust, slap his impertinent face and screech: “Beer and girls! Why, you philandering masher! And to think I let you take such peculiar liberties with my person! How could I have been such a fool?” No, not our clever Hana-ogi. She knows that men don’t respond well to melodrama or jealousy, and she’s aware that men want to think they can haul off and do whatever the hell they want, no questions asked, no matter what. Thus, she kisses his cheek and replies in her sweet, submissive voice: “Good! I hate to think of you being lonely!”

Now, raise your hand if you know that a black girl would have put her foot in his ass? Even a white woman wouldn’t have put up with that shit. But the Asian girl. . .she knows that being accommodating and submissive will pay off in huge dividends in the end, and so she bides her time and allows the man to think he’s pulling all the strings when the truth is, she’s the Puppet Master!

Consider this scene: Hana-ogi tells Gruver that since her family was killed, she’s thought of American men as savages but, when Katsumi told her how tender Gruver kissed her cheek when Katsumi married Airman Kelly, Hana-ogi was (apparently immediately) convince that Ace Gruver was no savage. She goes on to tell him that she has never been in love but she’s thought about it, and that she will love him for as long as she can if that is his desire.

Basically, here’s Hana-ogi telling Gruver, “I’ll do whatever you want.” I don’t care what kind of shit men try to peddle about wanting a confident, independent woman. No man can resist a girl who will do whatever the hell he tells her to do. Asian women realize that all men have a God Complex – they want to run the show, and they don’t want no backtalk. The Asian woman allows the man to be in control, and that’s why the man goes nuts over her. Now, take the black girl. First of all, you don’t even try to tell a black girl what to do. Second of all. . .well, there’s no need for a second of all. As soon as the man realizes he can’t tell the black girl what to do, he’s outta there.

Asian women know how to make a man feel as though she thinks he’s special

In another scene, co-star Miyoshi Umeki (who plays Katsumi) gives Airman Kelly (played by Red Buttons) a bath. “Ah, this is the life!” Gushes Airman Kelly as Katsumi diligently and lovingly scrubs, all the while smiling and giggling. Here Katsumi is telling Airman Kelly, “I’ll pamper you and I’ll enjoy doing it!” Men want you to do what they say, and like it, damn it. The Asian woman understands this, and she toes the damn line. That’s why she gets the guy to fall for her, and in short order, whisk her down the aisle. Consider the black girl. Will she bathe some man, giggling and smiling as she does it? Personally, as a black girl, I would say that would be a tall order for me. So, I’ll try to think of it this way: Suppose I was involved with Eddie Cibrian. Would I bathe him? Don’t think so. . .think I’d feel too much like a servant. And that’s why he wouldn’t marry me. He’d dump me for Lucy Lui, and marry her.

In conclusion, galaxyMafia invites you to check out any of the following movies, featuring “rice-chasers” and the almond-eyed vixens who love them.

Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing (1955)
Newsman Mark Elliott is an American war correspondent in Hong Kong, separated from his wife. During the closing days of the Chinese Civil War, he meets and pursues a beautiful Eurasian doctor, the widow of a Nationalist general. But when they begin to fall in love, their friends and her Chinese family pressure them to stop the cross-cultural relationship.


Sayonara (1957)
American servicemen stationed in Japan during the Korean War fall in love and marry Japanese nationals despite harsh paperwork impediments and orders to the contrary.


The World of Suzie Wong (1960)
Robert Lomax, tired of working in an office, wants to try his hand as an artist. So he moves to Hong Kong to try his hand at painting. Finding a cheap hotel he checks in, only to find it’s used by prostitutes and their 'dates' who meet in the bar downstairs. Since he never picks up any of ladies, they all want to know more about him. Eventually he does hire one to model for him, but soon falls in love.


*Please note: Unlike GD, galaxyMafia does not include women from India, Pakistan, Hawaii or any countries similar to those in her definition of Asian woman. GalaxyMafia’s definition of “Asian women” is restricted exclusively to women from countries comprised of what Westerners may refer to as “the Orient” (i.e., Japan, Korea, China, Malaysia).

copyright 2006 - galaxyMafia. . .has nothing against Asian women. Indeed, in her next life, she plans to come back as Kelly Hu!!

 

UPDATE! My Internet Dating Threesome That Never Ways

Category: , , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
For those of you who thought I was too hard on poor old Jimmy The Idiot, I submit to the court Exhibit B!

July 1, 2006

Jimmy The Idiot: i dodnt say that.... baby i just want you

Me: You're looking for sex only. I want more than that. I can't make that any clearer. When you decide you want more than that give me a call. In the mean while I'm going to finish watching Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam (The fact that I’m watching this movie while having this conversation is ironic, Dear Readers, to say the least! Read the plot outline). Bye!

Jimmy The Idiot: the only reason i said that is bc my freind fucked you. n it was him that wanted to come by. rem the bald indian boy nadeem? send em ur number so i can come by

Me: I don’t know whom this Nadeem person is but he's a damn liar! I've never fucked any Indian guys. I'VE NEVER FUCKED ANY ASIAN MEN! You shouldn't listen to everything people tell you. He was just trying to impress you or maybe he got me confused with one of his many sluts! So I guess it's true? Men really do go around telling each other who the whores are and which whore is most likely to fuck a complete stranger! My God that is THE most offensive thing I have ever heard!

Me: I went back through my messages and I found your "friend". I didn’t fuck him. I spoke to him once on the phone and he never called me back. That's really pathetic that he would lie.

July 3, 2006

Jimmy The Idiot: aight who care

wassup when we fucking?

Me: I care! How can I fuck you when I have absolutely no respect for you? I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I'm too disgusted with the whole thing. Bye!

Nadeem’s Profile
Where is she!!!!

I am a 24 year old Single Male seeking a Female between 18 and 35 years old. I live in Northwest __________. I am 5' 11" (180 cm) tall and my body style is Average.
i love to go out and have a good time i love to dance and hang out with friends and family. Like to experience new things.

About Me

My Username: nad
My Age: 24
Gender: Male
Seeking: A Female between 18 and 35 years old
Home Region: Northwest ______________
Astrological Sign: Aries [One of my exes is an Aries. Lies like the dickens too]
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Brown
Body Type: Average
Height 5' 11" (180 cm)
Other Languages: Other
Ethnicity: Other
Religion: Muslim / Islam [In the Hadith, Mohammed said, "Be honest because honesty leads to goodness, and goodness leads to Paradise. Beware of falsehood because it leads to immorality, and immorality leads to Hell."]
Occupation: Self-Employed
Living Arrangement: I'll tell you later [He Lives with his parents]
Education: Some College [Attends the local community college]
Income: I'll tell you later
Drinking Habits: Drink Socially / Occasionally
Smoking Habits: Don't smoke
Eating Habits: Other
Relationship Status: Single
Have Children: No
More Children: Yes
More About Me:
i love to go out and have a good time i love to dance and hang out with friends and family. Like to experience new things.
My Personality

Home Environment: Clean on most occasions
Fashion Sense: Name brands only
Sense of Humor: Hey, I do my best
Party Behavior: The party starts when I arrive
Work Attitude: My career is very important to me
Religious Behavior: I'll tell you later [HA!]
Political View: Let's discuss this later
Favorite Music: Rock, Pop / Top 40, Rap / Hip Hop, R&B, and Reggae
Pets I like and have: None
Pets I like but don't have: None
Pets I don't like: None
Turn Ons: Tattoos, Body Piercing, Flirting, Thrill Seeking, Public Affection, Dancing, Power / Wealth, and Risk Taking
Turn Offs: None

My Favorite Quote

You live once enjoy life to the fullest!!!! [And lie like the dickens!]

My Matches

Hair Color: Any
Eye Color: Any
Body Type: Slim/Slender, Average, Petite, Proportional, Toned, or Other
Height: 5' 1" (155 cm) to 5' 11" (180 cm)
Other Languages: Any
Ethnicity: Any
Religion: Any
Occupation: Any
Education: Any
Current Income Level: Any
Drinking Habits: Any
Smoking Habits: Any
Eating Habits: Any
Relationship Status: Any
Have Children: Any
More Children: Any

My Houston

My Favorite Houston Sports Teams: Houston Texans, Houston Rockets, and Houston Astros
My Favorite Restaurants in Houston: olive garden, red lobster, mortons, chinese cafe and many more.
My Favorite Malls in Houston: gallleria, willobrook
On a nice weekend in Houston, I enjoy: going to the park and playing basketball or football and have a nice bar b que

Now as it is usually the woman who is blamed for the man’s bad behavior I will submit Exhibit C, my dating profile from the same site.

Independent Diva Seeks Occasional Human Contact

I am a __ year old Single Female seeking a Male between 18 and 65 years old. I live in __________. I am 5' 4" (163 cm) tall and my body style is Large.

About Me

My Username: ____________
My Age: __
Gender: Female
Seeking: A Male between 18 and 65 years old
Home Region: ________________
Astrological Sign: Aquarius
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye Color: Black
Body Type: Large
Height: 5' 4" (163 cm)
Other Languages: None
Ethnicity: Black / African
Religion: Christian
Occupation: Student
Living Arrangement: I'll tell you later
Education: Some College
Income: 10 Bucks
Drinking Habits: Drink Socially / Occasionally
Smoking Habits: Don't smoke
Eating Habits: No special preferences
Relationship Status: Single
Have Children: No
More Children: Maybe

More About Me:

Me: Zaftig, intellectual, sex kitten with the normal amount of baggage associated with a single woman my age

You: Hot, tall and skinny, computer loving, nerdlinger, tired of women who only want you for your math tutoring skills or your ability to fix their computers.

What can I say; smart, borderline socially inept, skinny guys turn me on. I’m serious. Hearing a man wax poetic about Perl or why Linux is better than Windows or Mac operating systems never fails to make me weak in the knees! Bonus points if you can do calculus in your head, read Plato in the original Greek or build small, fully operational rockets from scratch.

Is your outward appearance that of a hip and happening cool guy but you’d like to meet someone with whom you can feel safe to let your inner Nerd Boy free? I’m the woman for you! I’ll keep all your geeky secrets; better yet, I’ll give you the freedom and encouragement you need to let your freakish interests grow and flourish! So put down that D&D strategy book and turn off that Farscape Season One DVD…Han Solo has met his Princess Leia!

No theater geeks need apply.

My Personality

Home Environment: It's clean when guests come over
Fashion Sense: I dress for the occasion
Sense of Humor: Hey, I do my best
Party Behavior: Parties are fun, every so often
Work Attitude: I am a student
Religious Behavior: I rarely attend services
Political View: Liberal
If I had the opportunity I would pursue a higher education: Not a degree but specialty courses
I prefer to shop: Online
When I shop, I shop by: Price
When shopping: Name brands are not important to me
When going out, I prefer: A mixed drink
For my vacations I prefer to: Paris, Rome, London, the World…here I come
When it comes to technology: I try to keep up with the latest technology
I prefer to watch movies: At the theatre
My three favorite exercises are: Yoga, Yoga, Dancing
My three favorite interests/hobbies are: Museums/Arts, Reading, Music and concerts
Favorite Music: Alternative, Rock, Pop / Top 40, Rap / Hip Hop, R&B, Reggae, Jazz, Blues, Latin, and Theatrical / Broadway
Pets I like and have: None
Pets I like but don't have: Dogs
Pets I don't like: Reptiles and Rodents
Turn Ons: Flirting, Geniuses, Hedonism, Thrill Seeking, Dancing, Risk Taking, and Sarcasm
Turn Offs: Public Affection
My Favorite Quote: We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars - Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan

My Matches

Hair Color: Any
Eye Color: Any
Body Type: Any
Height: 5' 8" (173 cm) to 6' 5" (196 cm)
Other Languages: Any
Ethnicity: Any
Religion: Any
Occupation: Any
Education: Any
Current Income Level: Any
Drinking Habits: Don't drink, Drink Socially / Occasionally, or Drink regularly
Smoking Habits: Don't smoke
Eating Habits: Any
Relationship Status: Single, Divorced, Widowed, or Divorce Pending
Have Children: No, Yes - they live at home, Yes - but they do not live at home, or Yes - they sometimes live at home
More Children: Any

So, Dear Readers, did I lead these jerks on? Or is the fact that I have ovaries enough of an enticement for any man to claim they’ve been led on? Bastards… – GD
 

Waiter! There’s A Black Person In My Aloo Gol Matol!

Category: , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
So I’m doing the Internet dating thing and it has been way more miss than hit. Many women bemoan the fact that they can’t find any good men then when you push then they unfurl their list of Everest high expectations and you can’t help but think, “No damn wonder you’re sitting at home, alone on a Saturday night!”

Well I thought I was different. I don’t have a lot of stringent must-haves such as height above six feet, a bank account to rival that of Bill Gates or a penis so big as to be absolutely useless. No I’ve always thought I was pretty low maintenance. Well as it turns out I’m no different from any other woman. Actually I am, I’m a black woman.

His name is Jimmy (That's him in the gray suit) and he contacted me over one of the dating sites I use. My first thought was that he was probably way too ghetto for me as his screen name is JIGGAWHO and also because he peppered his messages and phone calls to me with slang like “boo”, “yo”, “whatitdo” and the like. He didn’t have a picture on his profile so I asked him if he’d email me one. He did and imagine my surprise when I opened the picture and saw that he was Asian (I never paid attention to the ethnicity portion of his profile). I’d been getting a lot of attention from Asian men lately but it was still odd. Weren’t Asian men averse to dating anyone who wasn’t Asian or white? But I decided to give it a whirl and not be so prejudiced. MISTAKE! I like to flirt and I even like to add a little ribaldry to my flirting but the last few messages he sent me made me want to rethink my stance on not being a bigoted goober!

June 12th
Jimmy The Idiot: im free today u feel like getting freaky in the car?

Me: Uh...NO! I don't get freaky in cars. Sorry sexy...


June 17th
Jimmy The Idiot: can me and my boy come by?

Me: Both of you? For sex? Normally I would say yes but it's raining hard now and besides, I dont know you well enough for a threesome yet! LOL

Jimmy The Idiot: Nothing like that... ill fuck u ... then he will. we can run train on u ... tommorow[sic]?

Me: Really? So what was it about my profile that led you to believe that I'd let you or anyone "run train" on me? Do you think because I'm fat that I'd be desperate for any attention no matter how foul? Or is this some sort of weird Indian or Pakistani thing where you think black women are only good enough to be treated like whores? I'm not a prude but I'm not that easy or depraved either! There are plenty of black women out there who have no self-respect and would love to have you treat them like sluts but unfortunately for you I am not one of them. And yes, if you haven’t already guessed it, now that I know you're serious I am very insulted!

Thanks for playing. Good-bye.


I was so pissed off Dear Readers I could hardly see straight! Is this what we’ve become? Has the spread of Hip Hop culture to the four corners of the earth only served to make the whole world disrespect black women as much as black men do? Is there no one left on this earth that finds the black woman worthy of love and respect? It’s really scary to find yourself on a date with someone and fifteen minutes into the conversation they ask you if you know how to make your booty clap! Sad to say, I expect this sort of nonsense from a black man but when it comes from some one you think should be free from all those preconceived notions it’s a whole different slap in the face.

Which leads me to the point of this tirade: What’s up with the Asians disliking black people anyway? Have they swallowed the lies white people have feed them about us? Or are we ourselves to blame? It’s no secret that there is mistrust on both sides but where does it come from? Nowhere is this mistrust more evident then in London right now. The rumors of a sexual assault on a young black woman lead to race riots which lead to the murder of a young black man and the eventual conviction of his Asian killers. But the community where it happened and the nation are still reeling and wondering how to turn things around.

When I read the story I couldn’t help thinking about how, not too long ago, my city faced similar problems. There was a large influx of Asians (in our case, predominately Vietnamese and Korean) who lived and opened businesses in almost exclusively black or Latino neighborhoods. Tensions ran high as cultures clashed, mostly nonviolently but there were many violent exceptions. The blacks and Latinos thought the Asians were disrespectful and suspected all of them of being criminals while the Asians thought blacks and Latinos didn’t like them simple because they were Asian and wanted them out.

We had plenty of conversations about the stressful climate of our city in my home at the time. I remember my parents being very upset about things but still understanding of both perspectives. My father had served in Korea and came back with a very strong respect for Asian culture. He was a teacher and many of his students were Asian so he had daily contact with them and their parents. My mother also worked in the schools and her attitude was much the same as my father’s – you treat me with the respect I deserve as a human being and I will do the same for you. But would this live and let live attitude translate to dating?

"Basically there was a racial hierarchy. The first choice for marriage is someone in your own community, then after that, white is the next best thing. And after white, any other race in the world but black." - The Last Taboo, BBC Radio 4

When I listened to the BBC’s radio show, The Last Taboo, I couldn’t help but think about my own family. While it was never expressly forbidden, we always knew that our parents preferred we dated and married other blacks. We understood their feelings about the stares and comments from strangers we might recieve, the threats of violence and the less talked about but just as important sexual politics. Still it never crossed my mind that my parents would disown me if I brought home a man that wasn’t black so I can understand the trepidation that an Asian young person must feel when they find themselves in such a situation.

As for me I always make it a point to ask one question before I date a man of another culture:

Have you ever dated a black woman before?

If the answer is no I then ask why he made the exception for me. The answer is usually that he’s always wanted to date a woman of color but couldn’t because of social constraints or lack of availability. The next question is why are WOCs so intriguing? The answer to this question is where we start to see sexual politics rear its ugly head. If a man pulls out his little book of stereotypes and clichés and mentions body types or how “strong” black women are then I know it’s time to leave (I will not be someone’s chocolate fantasy!). On the other hand if he mentions growing up in a racially mixed neighborhood or working/living in an area of town or in a profession that is mixed I stay.

The same questions apply if he says yes but if he has a history of dating outside his race then I’m more apt to believe he’s doing it because it comes natural to him and not because he’s looking for something exotic or to prove a point.

So what’s the answer? Is it possible for all of us to just get along? No. As long as we, minorities…non-whites, continue to measure ourselves by our oppressor’s idea of what we are then nothing will change. As long as we celebrate the worst aspects of our characters and worse still, project those ideas around the world then nothing will ever change.

Last Thursday I was in my local Indian video store to pick up a few movies for the weekend when I struck up a conversation with the owners and their small children (Ya know Ms. GD love the kids!). I asked them to translate one of the titles I’d rented, Dil Pardesi Ho Gayaa. The father faltered for a moment, thinking how to translate the words in a way that would make since to me. It finally came to him and he gave me a loosely translated titled, “My heart is a stranger”. The word “Pardesi” stood out to me and I asked him if it was related to the word “ Desi ”. He was a little shocked but also, I think, pleased that I knew the word. So began a long conversation about upcoming movies, family and Indian culture. After trying and failing to pronounce some words I remarked to the wife that even though I couldn’t pronounce the words correctly I was in fact learning. The husband smiled and said very earnestly that they were also learning. He said the more they were asked to translate the more it forced them to better understand English. We chatted a little more and then I left. Ever since then I keep thinking how nice that was to have a conversation like that without suspicion but also how sad it was because I realized that the one thing we all need to do is the one thing most of us will never do – talk. If more people took the time to have real discussions then maybe the world wouldn’t be in the state it’s in today. And maybe I wouldn’t have to defend my honor every time I went out on a date with someone who doesn’t look like me. – GD
 

Aloha, bitch!

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
Unfortunately, galaxyMafia’s Hawaiian adventure is over. . .

She is now sitting at home in her house in Texas, jetlagged and depressed, wondering how quickly it will take for her sleeping patterns to return to normal (that is, she needs to switch from “Hawaii” time to CST) and how feasible it would be for her to raise the hell up out of this bee-yotch and make the move to Oahu.

Not that GM thinks she’d be any happier in Hawaii.

On the contrary, with the teeming mass of Japanese tourists that pressed in on her from all sides and the ambivalence and apathy of Polynesian men (remember class, poly means many, and trust GM when she says the menfolk come in lots of flavors. Will somebody please call Baskins and/or Robbins?), GM would surely be miserable, crowded and alone. HOWEVER, driving down the S-curves of H1 along the coast, with towering mountains on her left and the Pacific on her right would make up for the tourist traps and the isolation.

Anyhoo. . .right now, GM is a bit too tired to dive too deeply into her adventures but, over the next week or so (or maybe not. . .you know how quickly your girl GM becomes bored with things), she will bring you highlights of her trip, included but not limited to. . .


Do’s and Don’ts when vacationing in Oahu, Hawaii. . .
Preview – Don’t book a luau at the Polynesian Culture Center. That dog and pony show is produced by Mormons so don’t expect to get trashed on mai tais and tequila shots or to hook up with any of the tasty Polynesian natives after the show.

Pesky Asian tourists. . .
Preview – Japanese tourists don’t understand the concept of excuse me. In their dogged pursuit of a seat in the front of whatever activity you happen to be doing, they will push and pull past you with no regard for your life and/or limb. Indeed, galaxy Mafia’s little sister (who happens to be significantly taller than her) almost got her damn eye put out by the tip of some old Japanese bitch’s umbrella!

Pearl Harbor. . .
Preview – Don’t forget to shake hands with the many Pearl Harbor survivors who pepper the park dressed in turquoise shirts and white pants. These gaunt, shriveled octogenarians with damp, papery hands are living tourist attractions who seem determined to relive that day of infamy over and over each day.

Hawaiian newspapers. . .
Preview – The Honolulu Star Bulletin, which was delivered free to GM’s hotel each day (‘cause she got it like that, okay), makes GM want to be a journalist again! OMG! The headlines! Each morning, GM was treated to tantalizing items like, Officer hangs onto car as woman drives away and 4 accused of marriage fraud. GD, I think we need to dust off our news clips, n’est ce-pas?


NOW HIRING. . .
Preview – Honestly, every store GM walked into had a Now Hiring sign in the window. It was like a damn omen! GM can see herself now, standing behind the counter, saying, "Welcome to Jack in the Box, can I help you?"

Horseback riding. . .
Preview – An abrupt, impatient stable owner, thousands of flies and a horse named Trigger that almost slid off a cliff!!! Now, if that don’t get your heart hammering, check your pulse ‘cause you might be in a coma!

Dole Plantation. . .
Preview – Go for the Dole Whip; skip the maze. . .you have no sense of direction anyway.

Hawaiian Shave Ice. . .
Preview – Battle of the shave ice (no “d” needed, baby)!!! In this corner, Aoki’s!! And a few yards to the right on the same street in historic tourist trap Haleiwa, Matsumoto’s!!


Byodo In Temple. . .
Preview – Do I look like a Buddhist? Really? Do I? And what was up with the wild, seething, attacking peacock roaming free?

Fire Knife Dance. . .
Preview – GalaxyMafia has seen the man she wants to marry!!!! He is a Fire Knife dancer and his name is Joseph!!!! He’s from Tahiti!!!!! FIRE KNIFE DANCE IS THE BOMB DIGGITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Polynesian men. . .
Preview – Hawaiians!! Samoans!! Tahitians!! Fijians!! Tongans!! Maori!! So many different menfolk who will probably be so not into you! Alas. . .well, at least GM got a damn calendar.

And much, much more. . .

Overall, GM had a wonderful time, and she discovered that black girls, indeed, do tan!!

copyright 2006. . .galaxyMafia is moving to the islands of Marquesas. The islands are like the size of California and there are only 10,000 folk there. A true misanthrope's dream! Kaoha!!
 

All Hail Glamour Diva! Queen of All She Surveys!

Category: , , , , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia

Instead of my usual recapping of celebrity pseudo-events, I’d like to rant about something entirely different dear reader. The last few comments I’ve received (all from “Bob”) have been quite salty indeed and Ms. GD simply can not sit on her neatly manicured hands any longer! Now let me preface this by saying…Bob…that the following open letter has almost nothing to do with you so don’t go getting your panties in a twist and sending me all sorts of nasty little emails and comments. Okay pookie pants? To paraphrase Carly Simon (translation: misquote), you’re so [lame], I bet you think this post is about you! (Giggle, snicker, guffaw)

Are you ready dear reader? It’s time to play…SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS with your host, GLAMOUR DIVA! [Insert canned cheers, applause, and calls for Ms. GD’s immediate appointment to Queen of the United States]…

My Dear Male Subjects,

Why oh why do you persist in reaching beyond your grasp? And why must you always give women the emotional bitch slap when they try to do the same? What I’m writing about gentlemen is the age old quandary of why men think they are entitled to any woman they desire and why women are repeatedly made to settle for less! Just who the frig do you think you are? I mean really! Read this very carefully gentlemen. Print it out and place it right next to that moldy condom you've been keeping in your wallet because you will certainly need to refer to it on occasion. What you are about to read are the hitherto unspoken and unpublished rules for mating with the female of the species:

1. “To thine own self be true” – Know what you REALLY want. If you only like Asian women then for pity’s sake don’t bother the black/white/Latino ones! If you only like thin women then for the love of Mike, don’t so much as speak to the fat ones! And if you only like young tender chickens then mercy, mercy me leave the geriatric patients the hell alone! We all have an innate sense of what turns us on and what turns us completely the frig off so listen to what your heart and mind is telling you and don’t let “society” tell you any different cause we all know she’s a nosey heifer!

2. “Start with the man in the mirror” – Yes it’s cruel but we all know who the ugly ass people are and they know it too! If you know you’re a troll then embrace your troll-ness (Now when I say troll I mean troll! Not cute, cuddly garden gnome or kindly elf or fuzzy footed Hobbit but T.R.O.L.L.! If you still aren’t sure then keep this handy image in mind…garden gnome=Tony Blair, Troll=Alan Greenspan).

3. “No romance without finance” – If you’ve discovered that you’re a troll then be prepared to spend some money! Even if you find another troll mate you are still gonna have to spend some dough so baby get used to it (Just because your woman is ugly doesn’t mean she can’t do any better than your ugmo butt)! The amount of money you spend will always rise in direct response to how physically unattractive you are so if you can frighten Quasimodo then you better have more cheese than the Sultan of Brunei!

4. “Diversify” – If you can’t beat’em…do something else! Admittedly, not everyone on the planet can be filthy rich or as pretty as Paul Walker (no one is as pretty as Paul Walker!) so if you aren’t one of the previous, here are other things you can do/be:

a) Smart-Not just cleaver but mondo intelligent like Jonas Salk, Nikola Tesla, Blaise Pascal or Charles Babbage. Women (especially Ms. GD) dig smarties!

b) Nice-That’s right guys; it really works! If you have impeccable manners, love your mother, are kind to animals, and don’t talk to women like they just grew a tail then they will dig you. It might take her a while to see past the sparkling blue of Paul Walker’s eyes, or the quadruple threat of Tiki and Ronde Barber’s biceps but yes she will eventually see you and she will be pleased!

c) Casanova Incarnate- Please don’t turn this section into a license to be a cad (See letter b)! Just because you think you could sweet talk the panties off Claire of Assisi doesn’t mean you should. But there is something to be said about the ability to lay pipe and lay it well. The one thing to remember, the one thing that most men forget is that not all women are alike. This means that just because activity “A” made Peggy’s toes curl does not mean that the same activity will make BunKeisha’s toes curl. In fact, it just might piss her off so if I were you I’d ask her first! Now, I suggest you get several sex books (BOOKS! Not porno magazines!), read them, take notes, talk to women openly and honestly about sex (don’t try to screw them! Damn! Just Talk! You know, like you do with your boys and ugly women?), stop masturbating for a while (Just trust me on this one please), and take your time!

5. “No friggin means no!” – If you are unwilling or unable to do any of the previous, then leave us all the hell alone! Please don’t blow up our cell/home phones, buy us gifts, send us shout outs over the radio or stalk us! We don’t want you. Go away and stop begging for a bone like the dirty, flea infested dog you are! How would you feel if an ugly woman kept riding your ass? That’s right! That is precisely how we feel! By George I think he’s got it!

I know this seems harsh and rude as all get out but it has to be said because men lie! You say you want Marie Curie, Naomi Campbell, and Mother Teresa all rolled into one but what you really want is an even more vapid version of Naomi Campbell (Or Amber Valletta or Giselle Bundchen or who the frig ever!) to gap her legs for you whenever YOU want her to and to never speak until she’s spoken to!

Maybe, just maybe, after you’re ancient and you’ve run through most of the women in the Western Hemisphere, you’ll start to think about how you’ve wasted your life on wine, women and song and how now you’d like a true companion and a couple of kids but guess what? The women who fit the description are also ancient with dried up ovaries and the young women with moist, succulent ovaries…let me hear you say it baby…WON’T WANT AN OLD TROLL LIKE YOU! Scary ain’t it?

And now back to your regularly scheduled program …GD