Unfortunately, galaxyMafia’s Hawaiian adventure is over. . .

She is now sitting at home in her house in Texas, jetlagged and depressed, wondering how quickly it will take for her sleeping patterns to return to normal (that is, she needs to switch from “Hawaii” time to CST) and how feasible it would be for her to raise the hell up out of this bee-yotch and make the move to Oahu.

Not that GM thinks she’d be any happier in Hawaii.

On the contrary, with the teeming mass of Japanese tourists that pressed in on her from all sides and the ambivalence and apathy of Polynesian men (remember class, poly means many, and trust GM when she says the menfolk come in lots of flavors. Will somebody please call Baskins and/or Robbins?), GM would surely be miserable, crowded and alone. HOWEVER, driving down the S-curves of H1 along the coast, with towering mountains on her left and the Pacific on her right would make up for the tourist traps and the isolation.

Anyhoo. . .right now, GM is a bit too tired to dive too deeply into her adventures but, over the next week or so (or maybe not. . .you know how quickly your girl GM becomes bored with things), she will bring you highlights of her trip, included but not limited to. . .


Do’s and Don’ts when vacationing in Oahu, Hawaii. . .
Preview – Don’t book a luau at the Polynesian Culture Center. That dog and pony show is produced by Mormons so don’t expect to get trashed on mai tais and tequila shots or to hook up with any of the tasty Polynesian natives after the show.

Pesky Asian tourists. . .
Preview – Japanese tourists don’t understand the concept of excuse me. In their dogged pursuit of a seat in the front of whatever activity you happen to be doing, they will push and pull past you with no regard for your life and/or limb. Indeed, galaxy Mafia’s little sister (who happens to be significantly taller than her) almost got her damn eye put out by the tip of some old Japanese bitch’s umbrella!

Pearl Harbor. . .
Preview – Don’t forget to shake hands with the many Pearl Harbor survivors who pepper the park dressed in turquoise shirts and white pants. These gaunt, shriveled octogenarians with damp, papery hands are living tourist attractions who seem determined to relive that day of infamy over and over each day.

Hawaiian newspapers. . .
Preview – The Honolulu Star Bulletin, which was delivered free to GM’s hotel each day (‘cause she got it like that, okay), makes GM want to be a journalist again! OMG! The headlines! Each morning, GM was treated to tantalizing items like, Officer hangs onto car as woman drives away and 4 accused of marriage fraud. GD, I think we need to dust off our news clips, n’est ce-pas?


NOW HIRING. . .
Preview – Honestly, every store GM walked into had a Now Hiring sign in the window. It was like a damn omen! GM can see herself now, standing behind the counter, saying, "Welcome to Jack in the Box, can I help you?"

Horseback riding. . .
Preview – An abrupt, impatient stable owner, thousands of flies and a horse named Trigger that almost slid off a cliff!!! Now, if that don’t get your heart hammering, check your pulse ‘cause you might be in a coma!

Dole Plantation. . .
Preview – Go for the Dole Whip; skip the maze. . .you have no sense of direction anyway.

Hawaiian Shave Ice. . .
Preview – Battle of the shave ice (no “d” needed, baby)!!! In this corner, Aoki’s!! And a few yards to the right on the same street in historic tourist trap Haleiwa, Matsumoto’s!!


Byodo In Temple. . .
Preview – Do I look like a Buddhist? Really? Do I? And what was up with the wild, seething, attacking peacock roaming free?

Fire Knife Dance. . .
Preview – GalaxyMafia has seen the man she wants to marry!!!! He is a Fire Knife dancer and his name is Joseph!!!! He’s from Tahiti!!!!! FIRE KNIFE DANCE IS THE BOMB DIGGITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Polynesian men. . .
Preview – Hawaiians!! Samoans!! Tahitians!! Fijians!! Tongans!! Maori!! So many different menfolk who will probably be so not into you! Alas. . .well, at least GM got a damn calendar.

And much, much more. . .

Overall, GM had a wonderful time, and she discovered that black girls, indeed, do tan!!

copyright 2006. . .galaxyMafia is moving to the islands of Marquesas. The islands are like the size of California and there are only 10,000 folk there. A true misanthrope's dream! Kaoha!!