I’m sure all you gamers out there recognize that line from Street Fighter (Or was it Mortal Kombat ?). I remember years ago, sitting on my boyfriend’s parent’s sofa watching him pay SF and MK. I know what you’re thinking but I was young and in love and hadn’t become completely jaded yet.

Actually, I didn’t really mind watching. The only video game I like is Tetris so the whole idea of a video game whose sole purpose is to beat hell out of your opponent was intriguing to me because I love watching people fight. Now let me clarify what I mean by “fight”. When I say fight I mean brawling, fisticuffs, Queensbury rules or just straight wildin’ out with a minimum of gunplay. Blunt objects are cool (coffee pots, hammers, 2x4’s, etc.) just so long as they don’t overshadow good, old-fashioned fist-in-face.

So with that in mind I compiled a list of some of my favorite celluloid dust ups. Enjoy!

Arsenic And Old Lace (1944) Carey Grant

This is really a Screwball Comedy but there is one really good fight scene that never fails to make me scream with laughter. Most of it takes place off camera so all you see are bodies flying into the fray and bodies being thrown out. Chairs are broken over people’s backs and pieces of broken furniture are thrown around to the sound of scuffling, punching and yelling. What makes it so funny is Carey Grant’s reaction to what’s going on. Here is a sane man stuck in a very insane situation. Towards the end of the movie he’s come to accept the looniness all around him and his reactions are priceless!



The Quiet Man (1952) John Wayne

Okay so this movie is full of stereotypes but we all know stereotypes are based in truth so let’s not get bogged down in that shall we? We all know that all Irishmen aren’t lazy, shiftless, bare knuckle brawling, drunkards but the idea that they are makes for one great movie battle! John Wayne plays a disgraced American boxer who decides to go home to Ireland. While there he falls in love but gets on the wrong side of his love’s brother’s temper. What follows is one of the greatest fight scenes ever. That fight goes from the house to the street, down rolling green hills and into the town and it is fab…u…lous!

Enter The Dragon (1973) Bruce Lee

There are just so many reasons to love this movie! Who couldn’t love hot ass Bruce Lee and his whoops and yells (Waaaaaah! Wooooohaaaaaah!), hot ass Jim Kelly and his Shaolin funk soul brother attitude (To Mr. Han: “Man, you come right out of a comic book!”), Bolo the behemoth, international crime conspiracies, the funky soundtrack and just the cheesy 70’s eastern mysticism of it all? There are many fight scenes to love here but my favorite would have to be the climactic battle between Lee and Han in the mirrored room. Lee tries to put the smack down and is doing well but fails to consider that Han is a crafty sonofabitch! Lee has to use his brains and his brawn to defeat the diabolical Han. After remembering some inspiring words from his sensei he regains the strength he needs to finally send Han on a wild, rickshaw ride to hell!



Drunken Master (1978) Jackie Chan

This movie is billed as the first king fu comedy and yes it is funny (What the hell kinda name is “Thunder Leg” for a villain anyway?) but my favorite scene is where Chan is trying to mack on a girl when her mother rolls up and puts the supreme smack down…right on Chan’s ass! I love a movie where a women doesn’t have to resort to gunplay (usually having said gun slapped from her weak and ineffectual hand), running away in high heels, waiting until the man’s asleep and pouring hot grits on him (If you don’t know ask your mama about Al Green), waiting until the man’s asleep and cutting his dick off a la Lorena Bobbitt or worse yet, committing suicide, to get her very simple point across: LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE FOOL!

The Warriors (1979) Michael Beck

Don’t you just love the good old days? Back then if you mentioned the word “gang” to someone the last thing that would come to their minds would be guns. Switchblades maybe but never guns. This movie not only brings back the filthy glamour that was NYC before Giuliani cleaned it up but also those thrilling days of yore when shooting someone in the head execution style would be considered cowardly! The Warriors are accused of a crime they didn’t commit and they have t make it back to their “turf” in one piece. Along the way they meet many a lame ass gang, at least by post Colors standards, and have to take them all out. My favorite gang/fight scene is a toss up between the Baseball Furies (men in baseball uniforms, painted faces and bats) and the Lizzies (uncharacteristically hot Lesbians with knives). The Warriors dispatch them both in short order but it’s still fun to watch!



Fight Club (1999) Edward Norton, Brad Pitt

This whole movie is of course one big fight but my favorite scene was when Edward Norton’s character beat pretty little Jared Leto’s character so badly that dude’s face looked like raw hamburger! [Insert highly inappropriate and scary laughter] Man, that’s the good stuff!

Sexy Beast (2000) Ray Winstone, Ben Kingsley

Now those of you that have seen this movie might think I’m stretching things a bit here but I say if the antagonist of the movie has been shot in the gut twice with a shotgun (one shot was close range) but still continues to punch, slap, kick and hurl insults at the protagonist and his friends while they in turn punch, slap, kick and hurl insults at him then it’s a fair fight! Bloody as all get out but fair! And for the record, Ian McShane (Deadwood) is the creepiest of all creeps in this movie. Yikes!



The One (2001) Jet Li

This movie has some pretty good martial arts and special effects but it is the very last scene that does it for me! Jet Li, in his halting English (Which somehow makes it sound even better) tells the inhabitants of a penal planet, “I am Yulaw! I’m nobody’s bitch. You…are mine. I don’t need to know you. You only need to know me.” them proceeds to put the smack down on all comers as the camera slowly pans out on his lone form atop a pyramid, adroitly chucking guys over the precipice!

Oldboy (2003) Min-sik Choi

This movie is so deep; not your typical Asian Cinema flick at all! Most Americans, I’m sad to say, will miss the underlying themes because of the subject matter but if you take a chance and leave your puritanical ideas behind you might enjoy it. And if that isn’t enough of an enticement to watch this movie then take in to consideration that it also features one of the most awesome fight scenes ever! One long tracking shot of about twenty men with sticks and bats against Min-sik Choi, his fists and a hammer! Yes I said a hammer Dear Reader! And you know what the best part is? Although he’s bruised and bloodied by the time it’s over he still reigns triumphant! This movie rocks harder than the Stones at Wembley stadium!



A History Of Violence (2005) Viggo Mortensen

You’ve read posts from GM and me about how much we love this movie so I won’t go on about it but I will say that even after three LOTR movies and a few other Viggo vehicles I never thought he was sexy…until this movie. Does that make me peculiar? Probably but I don’t care. I’d love to have a husband who could and would skillfully kill lots and lots of people to protect our family and me. All I can say is bless you David Cronenberg . You are one magical, sick muthafucker and I LOVE you!

What are your favorite fight scenes? Inquiring Divas want to know – GD

Happy Birthday to us!

Who would have thought that two opinionated black girls from Texas, with too much time on their hands and not enough cash, would have been able to focus on a blog for one solid year? Okay so there was that time in May 2005 (it was summer and we both had some serious issues so give us a break yo!) when we slacked off in a major way but we’ve pretty much stayed the course since then. We’ve even managed to make a few friends, a few enemies and hopefully, entertained and educated our readers along the way.

Most of all, we’ve been able to relieve some stress by sounding off on some of the hottest topics of the day (racism, sexism…pretty much all the major “isms”) as well as some of the old tried and true areas of discord such as why men are so dangnabit stupid and why women continue to put up with their shit as well as, and this is the part that really chaps our collective hides here at SATS, assist them in their mistreatment of us by buying into their idea of what women should be. But that, as we say here at SATS, is another post altogether. So on with the festivities!

Sit back, relax, and join us as we take a tour through the last twelve months of our existence; the highs…the lows…the kvetching and moaning…the calling out of politicians, public figures, celebrities, and the common rabble (and yes even ourselves!) on their shit…so on and so on ad nauseam (or ad infinitum if you prefer)…:

Extra! Extra! Miss Sakamoto Interviews The Sushi Girls™!

Miss Sakamoto: Why did you want to start a blog?

galaxyMafia: Initially, this blog was called The Sushi Diaries and it's sole function was to support the non-fiction novel GD and I were writing called "How To Eat Sushi Off A Guy" or something like that. I may have the title wrong. But, the blog was created to generate interest in the book. I was hoping that if lots of people came to our blog and started talking about it, publishers would come a-knockin' with book deals. Well, that's what I get for hoping, right?

Glamour Diva: Because GM wanted to start a blog to support the non-fiction novel we were writing. I always thought blogs were silly and a bit self-indulgent and I’m self-indulgent enough as it is (as proven by my ever expanding middle) but GM was able to convince me this would be the exception. Well it wasn’t. Sometimes it’s a chore and I really do “phone it in” on occasion but “hope springs eternal” as the poem goes; Random House is bound to catch on soon. Right?!?!?

MS: What is your favorite entry?

GM: I don't have one specific favorite but I like the "Shut Up" posts by GD. As for my own posts, well, I think they're all kind of silly. The truth is, I am not the best non-fiction satirist. I'm much better at fiction which is why I introduced serialized fiction to the blog. . .don't know if that was a good idea or not????

GD: This is hard! I love all my babies but I guess if I had a shotgun to my head and Dick Cheney’s dirty, raggedy, claws on my booty I’d have to pick All Hail Glamour Diva! Queen of All She Surveys! I think it really set the tone for the blog and the way GM and I think about men. I also love GM’s White Girls Can’t Loose! It’s funny because it’s true! [Giggle]

MS: What is your favorite comment?

GM: In March of 2005, when we first put the blog up, my sister gave us our first comments and I'll always appreciate that. Here's another comment I like: "I'm with you on this galaxyMafia. I dig Ben, too regardless of how smaltzy the movie is." That was posted by Donna and it was cool to find someone else who could appreciate a tall, handsome man. I wrote a post about Ben Affleck as a counter to all the foolishness about a certain "zebra" who acts on a FOX show and whose name I shall not write in this interview!! I promise!!!

GD: Oh this one is easy! I sho nuff love "Bob" telling me how fine he is and how I couldn't handle a real man like him! Not only is it representative of most of my experiences with the opposite species but it was the beginning of my very first blogosphere fight!

MS: Whose name are you always happy to see in your comments?

GM: Other than my sister, I have to say probably a lady named Donna.

GD: Yes Ms. Donna is my favorite too! We miss you Donna!

MS: What are your favorite blogs/bloggers?

GM: I really don't look at other people's blogs. If I do, I start thinking, “I don't have time to read this. I need to work on my own blog!

GD: I don’t really have a favorite either. The ones we have listed on the blog are good but I don’t think I could call any of them my “fav”. I really don’t have time for too much intense blog reading ya know?

MS: If you could change/rewrite one blog, what would it be?

GM: I'd probably take "Bulletproof Love" and cast another actor. Maybe Eddie Cibrian, or even Ben. But then I like them so it would have a completely different tone.

GD: I don’t think I would change anything really. I like going back and reading about whatever it was that interested me or pissed me off in the past. I like seeing how much I’ve grown…or not grown as the case may be…

MS: What has changed most for you in the past year?

GM: I have become a lot meaner and more contrary. I can't stand or put up with anything but, I know I have issues and I'm working on them. Sort of.

GD: Well I certainly write more which is good but other than that, nothing damn much! I was always a contrary, verbal bitch so really nothing.

MS: What has your greatest accomplishment been in the past year?

GM: I finished my romantic comedy and I actually allowed other people besides my sister to read it and they liked it. I'm also writing a mystery and my co-workers really like that so I figure I'm soon to be published.

GD: Once again, my writing. There’s more of it now and I’m more disciplined about getting it out there.

MS: What man/men personify your tagline the most?

GM: Believe it or not, I have to say Ben Affleck. I suppose he is my dream soulmate (Jenny G notwithstanding) but, really, when he opens his mouth nothing comes out put pontification, postulation, speculation and invocation. It's all sound and fury signifying nothing. Pomp and circumstance without sentiment or substance. Other than that, it's all good.

GD: No question…Paul Walker baby! If there is anyone who should be objectified and not heard it’s that walking Faberge Egg! He’s utterly useless but good night is he ever beautiful!

The Twelve Months Of Sex and the Sushi

So we totally cribbed this idea from Bitch magazine but since they’ve been around for ten years and we’ve only been blogging for one, we really couldn’t have lots of big lists on our top ten thus and suches so we decided to do lots of little lists on our top twelve thus and suches. [Heh! Get it? One for each month!]

12 Sexy Men We Love – The Game, Xzibit, Jonathan Togo, Adam Rodriguez, Matthew Gray Gubler, Common, Evan Marriott, Ben Affleck, Eddie Cibrian, Tom Brady, Jerry O'Connell, The Rock

12 Men We’d Marry If We Believed In Marriage – Barack Obama, Al Gore, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Tavis Smiley, Ed Bradley, Ken Griffey Jr., Boris Becker, Nate Berkus, Shane Lynch, Peton Manning, Ronde and Tiki Barber


12 Men We’d Quit Our Jobs For – Steve Jobs, The Sultan Of Brunei, Leonard Lauder, Haim Saban, Charles C. Butt, David Filo, John R. Menard, Jr., Prince Harry, Larry Ellison, the Google Guys, Richard Branson


12 Sexy Men Over 40 We Love – Harry Belafonte, Paul Newman, Harvey Keitel, Richard Roundtree, Robert DeNiro, Keanu Reeves, Tom Selleck, Tom Wopat, Timothy Dalton, Donald Sutherland, Avery Brooks, Dennis Haysbert


12 Men Prettier Than Wentworth Miller – Carlos “Caco” Ricci Souza, Leo Peixoto, Paul Walker, Travis Fimmel, Jude Law, Ryan Phillippe, Elijah Wood, Jason Momoa, Orlando Bloom, Tom Welling, Louis Garrel, Karim Aum


12 Mopeds (“Fun to ride but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on it”) We Hate To Love – 50 Cent, Scott Stapp, Lenny Kravitz, Vince Vaughn, Bono, Tego Calderón, Michael Buble, Mark Walberg, David Beckam, Jesse James, Jay McGraw, Jesse Metcalf

And One Mo Damn Thing!

Ms. GD and galaxyMafia don’t agree on many things but one thing we are always of one mind on is how much we love or readers – Thank you so much to all our Dear Readers!

When we started this we never expected to garner such a following or any following for that matter. But with great power comes great…HATERS!

Yes we know we’re hated (or at the very least despised) by many of our more disgruntled (yet still very much loved) readers. To you we give our most sincere and heartfelt thanks for disliking us so very much and for expressing that dislike all up and down our blog! With out you we would not have experienced a 50% jump in page views as well as recognition on other sites/blogs/forums. So keep on hating on us, linking to our blog, talking trash behind our backs, removing us from your sites and leaving us “anonymous” comments. We really do appreciate it! Seriously…we do!

Cheers!

Smooches and High Fives,
galaxyMafia & Glamour Diva

Recently, I saw the new Viggo Mortensen movie, “A History of Violence”. Based off the graphic novel of the same name, it tells the story of a cold-blooded killer who reinvented himself into a warm, loving family man.

In a word or two, it was succulent, superb (much like Eddie Cibrian, or in GlamourDiva’s case, Went Miller but, that’s another topic altogether!).

It was also painstakingly, unapologetically violent.

My reactions to the drama unfolding before me on that big screen were visceral, cacophonous, histrionic. I screamed, I howled, I slouched down in my seat while my legs sliced up through the air, I guffawed. I wondered, as I drove home, wishing that I had a husband like Viggo Mortensen’s Tom Stall character (a husband who can kill some asshole with a coffee pot and then come home and make love to me on the stairs with his hand around my throat), why had I laughed? Why had I shouted with glee? Why had none of that superfluous violence filled me with a terrifying dread (as the threat of an outbreak of the Ebola virus or the thought of that Ben Affleck/Jennifer Garner spawn does)? Why hadn’t it saddened me? Or made me worry about the state of the world and the way people are so vicious to each other for no damn good reason.

A History of Violence was raw, shocking, breathtaking and intense. It was also very funny. But, should it have made me laugh? Am I desensitized to violence? I decided the answer might be found in researching my own history of over-exposure to violence.

As a kid who lived in America, I was bombarded with tons of violent images from a very early age. You might know what violent images I’m talking about. That’s right, our old faithful friends. . .cartoons, the very epitome of violence.

Think about it, what did your parents do on Saturday morning? They weren’t out playing catch with you or taking you to the museum or teaching you how to perform linear algebraic equations so you could get a decent SAT score, were they? No, they had better ways to waste their time than spending it with some snot-nose, bratty kid. They plunked you down in front of the television with a bowl of Coco Puffs and turned the channel to whatever network was broadcasting “Looney Tunes”. And that’s where you saw Daffy Duck get all his damn feathers blow the fudge off with a shotgun. That’s where you saw Wile E. Coyote fall off dangerous precipices in the Grand Canyon and blow himself up time and again with those no-good, faulty incendiary devices from ACME (which makes you wonder. . .why did Wile E. continue to patronize that company time and again? Why didn’t he try to get his money back? Or, at least call the damn BBB on their ass!) And that’s were you saw a punk-wuss Sylvester the Cat get the shit kicked out of him by a kangaroo he’d mistakenly thought was a giant mouse. And were you horrified? Were you aghast and filled with righteous indignation? Not hardly. You laughed.

The next time you probably laughed at something violent was in grade school. Remember grade school? Apathetic teachers, moldy bathrooms, grade F mystery meat and playground politics so gruesome and vicious, they would make even that unrepentantly evil Dick Cheney sob hysterically. Do you perhaps recall when two kids, full of piss and vinegar, got into a bitching contest and came to blows over it? Remember what happened when one of the kids knocked the motherfudge out of the other kid? Remember how cool and funny it was? And when we recalled it the next day, as we retold it, we laughed! We didn’t care if some poor kid had gotten his head cracked open or his teeth knocked out of his mouth. The fight was funny and we laughed.

Now, in order not to blame our parents for our desensitization to violence (which is very tempting because our parents are usually to blame for most of the hell in our lives, right?), it is important to look at the country we were born and raised in. Yeah, that’s right I’m talking about America – that vicious, devious bitch (God Bless her!).

Think about it. America was stolen because of and subsequently founded upon Manifest Destiny. In other words, our founding fathers raped the land, and mindfucked the Indians into self-imposed exile on reservations like so much wall-eyed, nonchalant, cud-chewing cattle.
European colonization was all about violence. Pasty, thin-lipped white guys and their equally pasty women and chillun came over from England looking for a place where they could bust loose and go buck wild. When they got to America, it was on like a pot of neck bones! Free from suppressive (and largely hypocritical) Victorian morals and reactions, the colonists reverted to their primal nature – bloodthirsty sons of bitches. They did what all folks do when they leave home and go someplace where no one knows who the hell they are and no one is going to be able to go and blab to the folks back home what they did – they explored the facets of their personalities that heretofore they’d had to repress for fear of silver bells and cockle shells.

So, as I drove home from the movie, still all a-twitter and a-flutter and tingling from the sheer sensation of the experience, I realized that if I was the kind of person who took violence seriously, I never would have enjoyed “Pulp Fiction”.

In other words, as an American, I have violence in my blood, in my genetic code. As my French friend, Antoine says, “You Americans are obsessed with violence”. To some extent, that is true. But, we aren’t obsessed with violence because we want to be but, because we were given no other choice. As the drug lords say, “Silver or lead, bitch!”. My response to violence, while not constructive, is nevertheless typical. When violence is funny to us, then often that means our response is a defense mechanism (or contraption, if you prefer).

We laugh because with so much bloody, heart-wrenching nonsense going on in the world, we just don’t feel like crying about some guy getting his ass shot off fifteen minutes into the movie.

Copyright 2005. . .galaxyMafia will continue to laugh whenever some dumb fugger gets clocked in the face with a bag of hot nickels! (Unless it's Eddie Cibrian. . .then she will be dismayed and damaged!)