“Bored now. This is the part that's less fun. When there isn't any screaming.” – Willow in “The Wish” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

What’s my “wish”? That the thrill ride that was Super 14 2005 would return and wake me from my Sleeping Beauty like slumber. Or, if that’s too tall an order for the rugby gods to fill, I request that they kick South Africa, Australia and New Zealand in the ass and out of their Snow White like repose so I can, to quote Madonna, justify my love of this game! Jeez Louise I don’t think I can take much more of this! And I thought the World Cup was lame? At least there was a shock ending (AB’s losing in the quarterfinals), questionable coiffures (Michalak’s flocked wallpaper hair and Tonga not being allowed to die their hair green) and rags to riches performances (Argentina and Fiji) to break the monotony! But this tired shit here…I think I’m gonna take a page from Piri Weepu and Ma’a Nonu’s coloring book and threaten to switch to League if the level of play doesn’t get any damn better. Seriously Dear Readers…UGH!



The following are a list of old stories I found utterly preposterous but never got around to posting because of my serious lack of gumption so enjoy! – GD

Jesus Take The Wheel!
I know this is old news but it bears repeating…
Shut Up Jerry! And further more, kiss my black media ass! Stop whining like a bitch and play! If you don’t want the media in your business then stop playing rugby. That’s all there is to it really, become an anonymous, boring citizen or be a man and suck it up!

You can’t handle the rugby you have now!
Australia wants an expanded Super Rugby franchise which is great for them but unless they spike New Zealand’s water supply with Zoloft, give all the players adamantium skeletons and delete the Air New Zealand Cup from the rugby calendar, this shit will never fly! But who knows, some folk want this and some don’t so we’ll see if John O'Neill gets his way.

Do these men have parents or did they sprout up out of a landfill?
This is just so sad. The fact that this type of shit is needed says way more about our sporting culture as a whole then about the players individually. And this guy agrees with me! But I love this quote though:

The point the AFL is trying to make is that young men come into football and they go from the year before not being able to get a date for the social to suddenly half the nightclubs throwing themselves at them.

Indeed (I hope you’re reading this Nonu…)! But if this is what it takes to keep their asses out of court and free of STI’s then so be it! Can we get this program in the US?

The AFL should send a free DVD to this guy!
Poor Leroy Houston. Read his sad tale of ignorance, inexperience and stupidity. Then weep for his banishment to the worst team in Australia.

And I thought the Bulls' Cheerleaders were skanks!
Call me old fashioned, call me a prude but there’s just no cause for all this boobage, public stripping off of clothing and booty shorts (lingerie!) that barely cover the pubis as well as the crack of the ass! The Shark’s cheerleaders are on some straight hoochie shit fo reals yo! These South African folk are a trip!



And In 6 Nations News…
They won't be able to tell Gatland nothing now!
WALES WON! WALES WON! WALES WON! Charlotte Church and her boobs came out to support her man, Gavin Henson, and everybody had a grand old time! YAY!

Now instead of blowing all that tournament money on booze and prostitutes (Cause you know that’s what they’re gonna do), the whole Welsh National Team should head down to their local cosmetic surgeon/dentist/hairstylist and finally get all that tremendous fug worked on! Seriously!

Have you seen these guys? Save for one man, they all look like they fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! Is busted-upness a prerequisite for playing on the team? It would seem so according to their current roster of Quasimodo’s!

There are some beautiful people in Wales but this team…Lord this team…is sooooo not reflective of that fact! As the folk over in the UK say…bless their little cotton socks!

And finally…
Why was this fool on that show in the first place? But still, nothing can be as embarrassing as being a rugby star with fat paper stacks and still living at home with your mother! I don’t care if your crib is worth a cool £1million; your MOTHER is in the house with you which, last time I checked, was enough to get you banned from the Ballers and Shot Callers Club for life!

YAWN!

Is this year’s Super 14 boring the shit out of you too? My computer was so bored it completely shut down. Seriously, she went to sleep Thursday night and didn’t wake up until sometime Sunday afternoon. I tried shoving her but she wouldn’t budge. So I just left her the fuck alone because, quite honestly, I felt her pain. But then my iPod, in a show of solidarity, decided to take an extended nap too and that was where I had to draw the line! Email and rugby shit I can live without but a weekend without music is a fate worse than death! Fortunately Mr. iPod decided to rise and shine this morning just before I left for work…typical male… - GD

Full On Fooliwang
Damnit Nonu! Damnit Jerry!
Somebody check on Nonu! What the hell is wrong with the boy? And what the fuck is going on with Jerry? Check on JC too while you at it! I would say they both need to calm down and maybe relax, have a drink and get laid but we all know lack of alcohol and sex is the least of their problems! Maybe Nonu is acting all discombobulated because of something I know which I can’t say anymore about because I’ve been sworn to secrecy? And maybe all the baby drama is finally getting to Jerry and he had to take it out on nigga’s face?

You didn’t ask for my opinion Nonu but uh…you need to check yo self before ya wreck yo self! Jerry will be on the next All Black’s squad no matter what but your spot, as you well know, is a bit more tenuous. Have you seen the opinion polls? When I took it most people thought you’d never see another black jersey unless you bought it your -damn-self! If you’re not going to show Graham Henry your peepee you best get you act together Bruv. Oh well, nigga has yet to listen to a word I say so…WHATEV!

Just look a him ya’ll! Sittin’ in the sin bin lookin’ like butter wouldn’t melt. Oooooo LAWD!

That’s not why they suck!
I wish The Highlanders’ terrible game play could be blamed on bad hair but if we followed that logic every NZ rugby team would suck! Oh wait; they did lose the World Cup so I guess they may have a freakin point! Kudos to the NZ public for finally recognizing how shitty that shaved, mullet mess is although you left it a bit late don’t you think?

Bitch And Moan, Bitch And Moan!
I don’t know who this Kronfeld dude is but he makes an interesting assessment! Check out the quote below regarding the recent rule changes:


Indeed! If the Hurricanes’ current lackluster performance on the pitch is any indication then old, angry dude has a point. However, SHUT UP! If the IRB wanted your opinion you’d be on the next plane to Dublin, Ireland but as it stands you are sitting in Dunedin, New Zealand eating meat pies like you NZers love to do! If anyone has a right to complain it’s me and galaxyMafia; we’re the ones who have to struggle to make this shit funny! Get your priorities straight and chill out before that vein in your neck pops…fo reals homie!

Bits And Pieces
Gatland stands on his Wales record and stands by the new asshole he ripped for New Zealand. I ain’t mad atcha boy!

Troy Flavell heads back to Japan after Super 14…and who among us besides Cécile really gives a damn? Yes, that’s what I thought…

The Chiefs are doomed and that’s all there is to it!

Nucifora has yet to buy a clue, even after getting his ass kicked in South Africa…

Richie, DC and Co. have way too much time on their hands and not enough razor blades!

I admit the NFL and the NBA have irrevocably spoiled me but in this situation imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery – it’s a fucking insult! Check out these so called cheerleaders in all their denim, cutoff booty shorts and horrendous dance moves glory!

Super 14 week three slideshow featuring: Sione getting his pants pulled down, Nacewa getting crushed to death, Mose perfecting his Heisman trophy stance with his sexy afro, Hurricane hug fest, Ig’nant Highlanders mascot and all up betwixt Richie’s legs. Listen to the commentary if you like but I suggest hitting the mute button.

And In Six Nations News…

I am so damn happy for Scotland, really I am, but shit if the English peeps aren't being hard on poor Jonny! He got the top scoring record ya’ll give him a break! It’s okay pookie toot, you’ll get’em next year!

Irelands scrappy little leprechauns could not out scrap Wales and were therefore sent home.

France poured Hollandaise all in Italy’s Marinara and that shit tasted just as good as it sounds! UGH!

Zzzzzzzzz. Snore. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…Snort!

Oh goodness! Didn’t see you there! I was just going over the Super 14 news and must have dozed off there for a second. Yawn! No, don’t worry, I’m awake now. YAWN!

Okay so what’s going on? Not much really…at least not anything I feel I can get too excited about. I like this cutie cartoon though. The Hurricanes were pretty hopeless during their first game...and not much better during the second…so I feel this ‘toon is quite apropos indeed! There were some other items that caught my eye before I drifted off and they are as follows:

Talkin’ Mo Shit Then A Little Bit!
Boy HUSH!
Did someone snatch New Zealand’s lollipop? Does the baby need its bottle or a nice long nap? I can’t believe anyone in NZ would have the unmitigated gall to snap on any South African team! Talk about HATERATION! Even though Nucifora sounds like he’s being gracious I can read between the lines. Please don’t go there Nuc or I shall be forced to go there and no one wants that! Especially not all your players who were on the LOSING World Cup squad as well as that curly headed, half Tongan jumping on cars and causing a commotion all up in London! Yes that’s what I thought…

Oh no he didn’t! But I’m so happy he did…
You see the Sushi Girls™ aren’t the only ones who know the real deal yo! Warren Gatland, current Wales coach and likely NZ ex-pat (And current inhabitant of Graham Henry’s shit list), had this to say about New Zealand, New Zealanders and NZ rugby:

Like Scott Johnson (former Wales skills coach) said, we are just a couple of poxy islands in the Pacific. New Zealanders who haven't traveled [sic] think we make a difference in the world. We don't make a squat of difference. Our views politically aren't important; nobody takes notice of us.

Looks like brother Eaton FINALLY did something ‘bout his head! Yes I know he was looking like the Shaggy D.A. for charity but seriously people, a year’s worth of new, untamed hair growth will only ever be good for charitable purposes…or Beyonce’s hair weave. I’m just saying!

Behold, the freshly shorn and baby faced Jason Eaton!



And if you’re curious about how he got to that point, check this out:



And if you’re still in complete and utter shock over how much Mrs. Eaton’s baby boy has changed you can check out the cutie video here.

Now if we can just do something about the wonky front tooth and the adult acne I will feel so much better about this whole situation. You know I love you Jas but um…you need to do a much better job of preserving ya sexy baby boy! Na-mean? - GD

Wow! Is that a fifth of whiskey in your compression undergarmet or are you just happy to see me? *wink*

Well it’s almost the end of my Very Merry UnBirthday and I am well pleased! I had a great party Saturday and today, which is my actual birthday, was peaceful and relaxing. So now it’s back to blogging and all that yackety boo! Like to hear it here it go…

And Here I Was All Worried And Shit!
Cécile, Rose…you may now breathe a sigh of relief, Troy Flavell and Richie McCaw are to retain their respective captaincies! Thank GOD! I was so freakin’ worried I could barely sleep at night! I thought I was going to need an Ambien prescription or something! Whew!

Everyone’s Got An Opinion…No Matter How Stupid
Don’t bother saving NZ Rugby. Just toss it all out and start all over again!

Graham Henry thought he was gonna eat it.

And so did this guy!

Confidence Building Good. Building False Hope Bad!
Highlanders PLEASE! This means nothing! You still suck!

Nucifora is trying to fuck it up for Joe again! Graham Henry will not be pleased…

And In Mils Muliaina News...
Malili’s hair is still on point so that’s good. And then there’s video! VIDEO! Sigh. I know I shouldn’t be so excited but I can’t help it! He’s just so sweet and intelligent and personable! Sigh.

And On The Other Side Of The Tasman Sea...
Matt Giteau, that Hot Piece Of Australian Rugby Trash, is No. 1 at being No. 10. Had we any doubts? Me thinkeths not!

What's really hood Western Force? Save all that aggression for the pitch yo! Well at least you've moved on from fondling wildlife...

Lose weight, gain it...won't make a difference Reds. You are the Highlanders of Australia. Embrace your mediocraty. Poor Clinton Schifcofske, he's too hot to be on this so called team!

Sterling Mortlock is still playing it coy with the Brumbies. Don't let them force your hand Morty! $3.75 million ain't nothing to fuck with baby. I say go with the cash!

Is this a sign? Could the Waratahs of 2006 be making a return? If the recent pre-season ass kicking dished out to the Crusaders is any indication then YES!

And another bright spot is the very cutie patootie young Tongan named Alfi Mafi! Don’t know if I’d call him Rugby Trash just yet, I have to see him in action first. But until then please enjoy these photos I stole from his Bebo page!

And my personal favorite...the Fudgesicle! As they say in Olde London Towne...Phwoar!

There is no work today and I am sho nuff bored! Therefore I shall inflict upon you my special brand of Rugby News. SUFFER YOU FOOLS!

FINALLY! Some Good News From Hamilton!

I don’t know if you’ve heard but there’s this little pick up rugby game played in Europe called 6 Nations? Well every February, while people below the Equator are creaming their panties over Super 14 [And I'm still not celebrating my Very Merry UnBirthday], six countries (Or three if you stubbornly insist on thinking Wales, Scotland, England and Ireland are part of Great Britain) battle it out for European rugby supremacy! So what’s the damn difference you ask, other than the dearth of Polynesians on Anglo soil?

Well ya’ll know I love me some Southern Hemisphere rugby but I also love the game being played in the North. Even though the game is the same all over the world, it’s the style of play that separates the two. If you should ask your average rugby fan what the main difference between the two is, you will most likely get the short and sweet answer – Speed. The South tends to favor “faster” play with more emphasis on the role of the Backs as opposed to the North’s “slower” and seemingly more structured game play with emphasis on the Forwards.

Now I’ll admit that I sometimes find myself dozing off during a few of these games but I can’t place all the blame on the teams. Spending so much time on Super 14 with all the writing and podcasting doesn’t help! A sista gets plum tuckered out yo! But not having to “put on a show” and just being able to sit back and enjoy the game at my leisure is very relaxing which means I sometimes nod off. So sue me!

But I have two reasons why I still make the effort to watch this tournament, the first being that because I don’t have all the ‘Nesian and Le Michalak (He’s slumming it down South Africa way for Super 14) distractions I can focus on the game because I’m still learning. The second reason is that I get to see those Smoking Hot Pieces of Rugby Trash – Mauro and Mirco Bergamasco! Truth be told, I prefer the younger Mirco but I wouldn’t kick Mauro out of bed if ya know what I mean!

So please enjoy my little slideshow tribute to the hottest Italian brothers since Romulus and Remus! And after you drool over the show, watch a few 6 Nations games! Le Michalak is gone but Sean Fergus Lamont and his AMAZING ass is still playing!  Oh and don't forget all the new young talent on the French side!  So many new tight asses...so little time!  Sigh...

There Is A God And He Loves Rugby!

They listen! They really listen!

Just when I was giving up hope this solid platinum nugget of information rolled through the rugby pipeline and into my fat little lap! The NZRU and USA Rugby are getting all coupled up and cozy which means we can expect lots and lots of happy, drooling, chubby little rugby babies before long! At least I hope it's a bundle of joy and not a horrible, fire breathing monster that threatens to hurl itself (Accompanied by thousands upon thousands of it's screeching, weirdly accented Kiwi minions) upon our unsuspecting and ill prepared shores. Oh well, I'll continue to dance with joy until given a reason to sob hysterically.

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! [Insert Glamour Diva doing the Cabbage Patch and the Running Man]

And So The Horror Begins...

Why Must I Cry?!?

Dammit Lavea! The boy done gone and hurt himself AGAIN! Seriously ya'll, we need a freakin' intervention in Hamilton! Maybe a prayer vigil or fasting or SOMETHING! I know the NZRU has it's hands full with maintaining the Dan Carter robot, keeping Jerry Collins' bastard children out of the spotlight, and now playing house with US Rugby but I really wish they would launch a full scale investigation into WHY Rugby Union players in Waikato keep getting broke up and busted up right before Super 14! It just don't make no damn sense yo! Rugby gods please protect Richard Kahui and Mils Muliaina. Saying that having them injured and sitting on the sidelines for the next FOUR months would ruin my NZUSA rugby partnership masturbatory high would be an understatement! LAAAAAAWD!

No Money, Mo Problems

Rugby Union For Sale...Slighty Used...

Otago is going broke and ain't a damn thang they or anyone else can do about it. Sucks to be them huh? Whatev...

YAY! Professional rugby is coming to America! Everyone Dance! [Insert Glamour Diva dropping it like it's hot] - GD

Fo shizzle I can drop it much better than him...I promise!

Please God, in the name of everything that is sacred and holy, keep these men healthy this Super 14!

Some fool on the Chiefs has already injured himself which is why newly drafted Tasesa Lavea will be starting at first-five when the Chiefs meet his old teammates - The Blues - at Eden Park.

Last season was so horrible for these guys! Players were breaking their necks off, breaking their feet off, breaking their legs and shoulders off and whatnot! Falling all out on the pitch, screaming and writhing in torturous pain as acid fire rained down from the heavens and the earth trembled and volcanoes erupted spitting molten lava and ash and...

Okay so maybe it wasn't quite that apocalyptic but as you may recall, that is if you listened to our podcasts (Which you didn't), I suspected (much to the chagrin of galaxyMafia) that the Chiefs, nay the entire city of Hamilton, had a major curse on it! Seriously, how else to explain the awesome bad luck that took hold of this team?

Let's hope all the praying and burnt offerings were heard and accepted by the gods of rugby 'cause with all the recently departed talent currently residing in Europe and all the old folks retiring, the Chiefs are gonna need all the spiritual/metaphysical help they can get! I'm not taking any chances though. I was saving this for when I moved back into my house but I think I'm gonna make myself a very special Chiefs doll formed from candle wax, spritz some holy water on it and burn sage over it just in damn case! - GD

Ya'll know I must be MAD, CRAZY bored to be writing about Daniel "The Robot" Caaaaataaaaah but, as the old folks say, "It be's that way some time"! Apparently our old buddy Harold [It's a podcast joke, if you listened you would know] wasn't on his game...again...and accidentally plugged DC directly into the wall instead of the factory recommended surge protector. Of course management says he "strained a muscle" but we all know that's a damn lie as robots are not animals and therefore DO NOT have muscles! Now maybe he has a lot of extra stretchy wires and shit attached to his adamantium skeleton but that's a horse of a different color, so to speak.

No I think our sweet little hunk o'junk is currently spread out on an exam table somewhere deep in the recesses of the All Black's super secret and totally hush-hush underground laboratory [Begin eerie music] in Tasmania getting the full robot spa treatment! Ya know, checking his fluids, replacing the chips that got scrambled from the power surge, upgrading his operating system to Linux [That crappy ass Vista is what got them in trouble during the World Cup!] and testing his targeting systems.

Seriously, I really love this picture; it fits the story so well! If I didn't know this photo was taken during the WC I'd swear it was taken right at the precise moment he started malfunctioning! Can't you just hear all the BOING! CRASH! WHIR! and other noises going on in the background? And don't forget the springs flying every which way and the smoke coming out of his ass! Okay, okay I'll stop! Nothin' but love for Mr. Roboto, er I mean Mr. Carter. - GD

Read the rest of this fabrication here

I wish I could say it's been slow on the rugby news front but honestly I just haven't given much of a damn about the game recently. I'm still reveling in my Bollywood hysteria and general winter ambivalence but I just couldn't pass up this little digital photographic gem! Wow! What a difference eight months makes! I didn't think I would ever see him or his trademark Bald/Bald Fade again! Aawww shucky ducky quack quack Mr. Tuiali'i! You work ya little 'Nesian fro baby...I ain't mad atcha!

But then I won't let myself get too excited because I'm sure by the time Super 14 jumps off next month, Mose will have cut it all off again...or dreaded it...or dyed it blond...or taken his Ginsu knives to his head and fauxhawked it...or something equally fucked up. So, while it lasts, please enjoy the grandeur, the majesty, the power, the lushness and the sheer Fabulosity of Mose's unmodified, magnificent Afro! God bless it and you my Dear Readers - GD

Full story here