I haven’t done one of these in SOOOOOOOOO long but I just couldn’t resist sharing some of my new favorite comedy clips with you, my dearest Dear Readers. Therefore, let us all take a moment to let loose a hearty WOOT! WOOT! as we sample the funny!

Dr. Tran's Quiet Log Time
More raw, kick ass action from the incredible Dr. Tran!


Flight of the Conchords - Episode 1
This show is so damned funny! I love their deadpan delivery! I can’t wait for the next episode ya’ll!


Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros
There ain’t no party like a Nanna tea party ‘cause a Nanna tea party won’t…STOP!


Sarah Silverman attacks Paris Hilton
This was made by a PH supporter and was supposed to make Ms. Silverman look bad but I think it just showcases how funny she is…


Chabal's Huge hit on Masoe - New Zealand v France - 02/06/07
While not officially comedy, it’s still the funniest thing I’ve seem in ages!


Have a great week Dear Readers and don’t work too hard! – GD

Welcome Dear Readers to another edition of SNV, the last one for 2006! I’ve been more than a little lazy of late so I was thrilled when galaxymafia suggested the theme for this week’s entry – the “Heizman” dance craze! We are determined to master this new dance if it’s the last thing we do Dear Readers. Actually, seeing as how I’ve yet to master the Harlem Shuffle or the Electric Slide the outlook on me learning this dance doesn’t look hopeful. But wait! I can do the Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It, the Southside and Lil’ John’s Snap Yo Fingers so I’m gonna keep hope alive ya’ll. In the meantime, enjoy these clips of the new dance sensation that’s sweeping the nation! WOOT! WOOT! and do dat Heizman on dat Ho!

The Original and still champion!


The girls can do it too ya’ll!


As Luke would say…Gi…gi…gi…git it guuuuurl!


Detroit in da “Heizman” house!


Damn. White boys do fuck up everything yo! They couldn’t catch the beat with a net and a bear trap but it’s funny…


Damn but they are worse than the white boys…and I didn’t think ANYONE could be worse than those white boys! DAMN!


As I’ve written so many times before, I love my Dear Readers so stay safe, don’t drink and drive and have a very happy New Year! - GD

Hello Dear Readers! It’s your girl Ms. GD and she’s back from her extended vacation from SNV with another set of videos featuring Hot Ass Men! This time we’re kickin’ it Pacific Islander and Maori style with a set of the most ghettoest videos not found in the United States! I kid you not Dear Readers! I don’t know how they got so ghetto but they are and I love it! So do the Haka, grab a big warm bowl of taro, cuddle up to your computer screen and enjoy some of the best Hip Hop and R&B Polynesia and all points West and South West (That would be New Zealand and Australia) has to offer. WOOT! WOOT! ya’ll!

This is the favorite group of two of our favorite Hot Ass rugby players, Ma’a Nonu and Lome Fa’atau. You know Ms. GD love the kids and the little ones break dancing in this vid are too cutie patootie! Nesian Mystik – So Good


This vid reminds me of I’m Real by J-Lo and Ja Rule…only more artistic like West Side Story…Savage Featuring Aaradhna – They Don’t Know


GM and I love us some Chong Nee ya’ll! He just a big ole’ Polynesian Teddy Bear ain’t he? Chong Nee – Thin Line


I don’t know who the young woman singing in the video is but she sho nuff got some pipes on her! And the dude playing the “Bad Boyfriend” is hot to death! Chong Nee – Scenarios

UPDATE: The young woman singing her lungs out is named Niki Ahu and you can find out more about her here.

Little homie got a nice flo but the beat is tight, tight, tight! Gone den boy! Frontline – What Was You Thinking


Switches, spinning rims, boomin’ systems, snakeskin Timberlands and video vixens pumpin’ it like their lives depended on it! Looks like Any Ghetto, U.S.A but it ain’t…it’s New Zealand baby! Dei Hamo – We Gon' Ride


This is my favorite joint! The beat is SICK and young Mr. Scribe got a good little flo on him. It will probably be a few years before he’s truly spittin’ hot fire but he’s young yet and I ain’t hatin’ on him. Also…He’s ADORABLE! Scribe – Not Many (Remix)


Oh Dear Readers, all Ms. GD can think about is sunny California. Sigh. Where are you Dec. 21?!?!?!? – GD

Good evening Dear Readers and welcome to another edition of SNV! Tonight Ms. GD is tired and a bit nervous about her two job interviews Monday morning so she’s just not feeling the naked men tonight. Besides, after almost spontaneously orgasming to the image of Ma’a Nonu in the Wellington vs. Auckland Air New Zealand Cup Semi-final…TWICE…well, how could she possible come down from that? So in lieu of Hot Ass Men please enjoy these Hip Hop Classics!

In The Beginning There Was: Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five – The Message


Das EFX – They Want EFX


UTFO – Roxanne Roxanne


EPMD – Crossover


Newcleus – Jam On It


Afrika Bambataa – Planet Rock


In the immortal words of Marvin Hamlisch from A Chorus Line , “God, I hope I get it! I hope I get it! How many people does she need?!?!?” Pray for me Dear Readers! – GD

They stay on Nigga patrol on American roads
And when you travel abroad they got world Nigga laws
Some folks get on a plane go as they please
But I go over seas and I get over seized
London-Heathrow, me and my people
They think that illegal's a synonym for Negro
Far away places, customs agents flagrant
They think the dark face is smuggle waiting in cases
Bags inspected, now we arrested
Attention directed to contents of our intestines
Urinalysis followed by X-rays
Interrogated and detained to damn near the next day
No evidence, no apology and no regard
Even for the big American rap star ~ “Mr. Nigga”, Black On Both Sides – Mos Def

A few mornings ago, as I prepared my gourmet breakfast of grits and veggie bacon, I recalled an incident from High School. I remember it was 11th grade, Mrs. Heaske’s Healthcare Practicum class, and a group of us (who should have been busy learning how to take a patient’s vitals or how many bones are in the human body) where sitting around jaw jacking those halcyon school days away. I can’t remember how we got on the subject but one of us turned to this girl named Sandy and asked her if it was true that she was African. After recoiling in terror and bugging her eyes like a character in a Tex Avery cartoon, Sandy calmly but very haughtily informed all of us that she was not African but in fact…get this…Egyptian! Well after our eyes were sufficiently debugged, we very calmly and even more haughtily informed Sandy that last we heard, there hadn’t been a major geophysical catastrophe and that Egypt was still attached to the continent of Africa.

Young Sandy, noticing our complete discombobulation, explained that while the country of Egypt was indeed a part of the continent of Africa that people from North African countries were not the same as the rest of the continent so therefore could not be called African. When pressed to explain further what appeared to us to be nonsensical ramblings, Sandy just sighed and looked into our predominately black faces and said, “North Africans aren’t like you. We aren’t black!”

To say that I was floored, Dear Readers, would be an understatement! I’d grown up hearing my Jim Crow parents and Civil Rights Movement cousins talking about how “everybody wanna be ‘Black’ but don’t nobody wanna be black” but it never really registered with me until that day. It was even longer before I realized that black folk aren’t alone in this world when it comes to having our culture co-opted by the ruling class. Americans of African decent tend to think America invented racism and all things bigotry driven. I mean, sure we elevated that shit to an art form but we didn’t invent it and we aren’t the only people in the world still actively practicing it and being destroyed by it.

On the positive side, and yes there is always a positive side because I’m a “glass half full” type of girl, there are people around the world doing all they can do to end oppression of all kinds, particularly the white folk versus colored folk variety. So here I’ve collected a few examples of some drama being experienced by some other niggas…just to give you a little perspective and maybe, help you get off your ass and make a difference in your community and eventually the world. I’ll start with the country of New Zealand because GM and I are still so damned enthralled with the All Blacks and also because there is definitely no dearth of niggerishness going on at the (almost) bottom of the earth!

Island Niggratude, Maori Warrior Style

A Maori warrior claims new territory - Dean Hapeta and New Zealand's hip-hop subculture
UNESCO Courier, July 2000 by Kerry Buchanan

Dean Hapeta launched New Zealand's political hip-hop scene by linking the force of Maori culture with the struggle of black nationalism to fuel consciousness and controversy

"Nigger!" The biker's insult blindsided the eight-year-old boy, shattering his vision of both Maori and pakeha (white) society in Aotearoa, the original name of New Zealand. The verbal attack sharpened the boy's awareness of his society's colour lines. Afterwards, he couldn't stand the sight of his fellow Maori cast as the peaceful but subordinate native. Nor could he look up to indigenous gangs in his working-class neighbourhood of Upper Hull, outside the capital Wellington. Turning to white society, he felt oppression. So the boy began to look inward, to imagine a "new breed"--proud of his Maori past and committed to a radical break with the legacy of colonial domination.

Today, at the age of 34, Hapeta will refer to himself as "one bad nigger" in reference to his hardcore politics as a rapper. Here lies Hapeta's strength and, for some, his weakness: the ability to weave Maori culture, language and political demands--from land and fishing rights to economic equality--within the style and context of black American hip-hop. Indeed Hapeta and his group Upper Hull Posse (UHP) have influenced a generation of hip-hop bands and fans across the country. Before these "warriors" stormed the stage, Maori music was generally marginalised like an exotic trinket of the past used in the "ritual" of entertaining tourists. By rapping in their language and incorporating the sounds, values and history of their people, Hapeta and like-minded artists shatter stereotypes of what it means to be Maori.

Black Nationalism Through The Looking Glass, Ass Backwards

Health book tells Maori to smoke
09.25.05 By Amanda Cameron

Maori have every right to enjoy smoking, gambling and eating fatty foods if they want to - and Maori health workers who say otherwise are just brainwashed "house niggers".

That's according to the authors of a controversial new book on Maori health published by one of South Auckland's largest Maori health providers.

The Kotahitanga Community Trust, a taxpayer-funded charitable organisation in Counties Manukau, provides health care for more than 5000 patients - 4000 of whom are Maori.

The book, Maori Health, was co-authored by trust chairman Peter Caccioppoli and Rhys Cullen, a GP at the trust's Papakura practice and published using funds from Mr Caccioppoli's family trust.

It endorses the right of Maori to indulge in pleasurable, but unhealthy, pastimes - despite the consequences.

"Maori enjoy life. Maori like to smoke. Maori like to eat. Maori like to drink. Maori enjoy sex. Maori like to talk. Maori like to gamble and take risks. And Maori like to fight, on and off the sports field," the book says.

"If Maori enjoy it, the Crown is against it. If Maori have it and want it, the Crown tries to take it away. We support the choice of the overwhelming majority of our community to smoke. It is one way that Maori can say 'Stuff you' to the health Nazis and have a good time."

The book has been condemned by Maori health experts as dangerous and lacking credibility.

However, Mr Caccioppoli and Dr Cullen say there is no reason why young Maori should not smoke. They advise Maori to lie about their smoking habits to avoid being hassled by "health Nazis".

The pair say the health system is racist and opposes activities like smoking and eating fatty foods simply because Maori enjoy them.

Instead of expecting Maori to stop smoking or start dieting and exercising, the Ministry of Health should instead provide Maori with pills to prevent illnesses like diabetes and heart disease, they advise.

"The health system sees diabetes as a consequence of Maori being fat and lazy and not having enough willpower to do what they need to do.

"We are critical of the house niggers who preach this Pakeha message to Maori.

"The answer to diabetes is not diet and exercise but medication," the book says.

The authors declare that cervical screening "contravenes significant cultural norms" and has been imposed on Maori by Pakeha.

Anti-gambling research is "rubbish" and Maori babies do not benefit from routine childhood vaccination against diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough and polio, they add.

"Anti-gambling research is rubbish. It can be seen as just another example of the health Nazis looking to extend their empire," the book says.

Borrowing from speeches by Malcolm X, the authors say Maori health workers who endorse Ministry of Health strategy are "house niggers" who have been brainwashed by Pakeha and kept tamed by greedy "Uncle Tom" Maori health managers.

"Beware the brown face talking of 'best practice'. It probably means 'best Pakeha practice' and is the talk of a house nigger," the book says.

The Trust received around $300,000 of Government funding last year - $60 for each of about 5000 patients - and had to rely on funds from the Lottery Grants Board and the Community Organisation Grants Scheme.

The book has been distributed widely, and stocked by Medical Books, a bookshop for doctors and medical students, and held by the New Zealand Nursing Organisation's library.

Counties Manukau District Health Board Maori health manager Bernard Te Paa pointed out that smoking, poor nutrition and insufficient physical activity were some of the main causes of Maori ill-health.

Mr Te Paa added he was disappointed at the authors' views on Maori health workers.

"It's a gross exaggeration of the role that Maori play in the mainstream health system."

Director of the Maori Smokefree Coalition, Shane Bradbrook, said the book's advice on smoking was "absolute crap" and potentially dangerous for patients.

"I'd be highly concerned if a health provider was providing that sort of advice," he said.

John Stansfield, chief executive of the Problem Gambling Foundation, called the book "self-serving nonsense", and said that gambling - especially pokie machines - visited "significant harm" on Maori.

Nikki Turner from the Immunisation Advisory Centre dismissed the book's claims about childhood vaccination as dangerous and unsubstantiated by scientific evidence.

Dr Papaarangi Reid, from the Auckland University's Faculty of Medical and Health Sciences, said much of the advice in the book defied what doctors considered "best" medical practice.

The Ministry of Health did not wish to comment.

Mr Caccioppoli said he stood by everything that was written in the book, and denied he and Dr Rhys had been deliberately controversial for publicity's sake.

Asked why he wrote the book, he said he wanted people to reconsider how Maori health was defined and how healthcare for Maori was delivered.

Mr Caccioppoli, 26, has no tertiary qualifications. Dr Cullen could not be reached for comment.

From The “Nigga Please!” Files…

Prince William charms the All Blacks
Source: AAP, 07/05/05

Glamour player Ma'a Nonu said afterwards that meeting the prince was a special moment. "Not a lot of brown brothers get to shake his hand," Nonu said.
 
"It's good to see him, especially because he's my age...seeing him on TV growing up as a boy," said the 23-year-old, who sports blond-tipped dreadlocks and is known to wear makeup on the field.
 
Nonu looked forward to seeing William at a lunch in Auckland on Tuesday to "sit down and have a chat with him just about normal stuff".
 
Asked what kind of stuff, he said: "Ladies. How many ladies he gets. Something like that."
 
Fijian-born winger Sitiveni Sivivatu did not know what the fuss over the prince was about.

[M.D.] Not strong
[T.K.] Only aggressive
[M.D.] Not free
[T.K.] We only licensed
[M.D.] Not compassionate, only polite
[T.K.] Now who the nicest?
[M.D.] Not good but well behaved
[T.K.] Chasin after death
so we can call ourselves brave?
[M.D.] Still livin like mental slaves
[both] Hidin like thieves in the night from life
Illusions of oasis makin you look twice ~ “Thieves In The Night”, Mos Def & Talib Kweli are Black Star – Black Star

There was just so much information from all over the world that I decided to make Worldwide Niggerdom a regular part of the blog. Stay nappy and happy Dear Readers! – GD


Sambo pic found here

1 Comment

Ms. GD readily admits to being confounded my many things (like string theory, the after life, ultra-conservatives and animals with bifurcated or prehensile penises) but one of her major (and many) pet peeves are inexplicable song lyrics. She feels that song lyrics should not require the listener to study for the GRE/LSAT, have a degree in psychology or be so mysterious as to render any reasonable interpretation wholly useless. Having said that, here are a few songs that never fail to perplex and baffle.

Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone by The Temptations (Norman Whitfield)

This song never ceases to put me in a quandary. Every time I hear it I spend the rest of the day rolling the lyrics ‘round my brain, trying to decipher the actions of the characters. The premise of the song is this: A man is reminiscing about the day his father died and the resulting conversation with his mother. I use the word “conversation” lightly though because it is all very one-sided. The man asks his mother to confirm information about his father, most of it pretty horrendous, but “Mama” continually gives only one reply:

Mama just hung her head and said,
"Papa was a rollin’ stone, my son.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."
"Hey, Papa was a rollin’ stone.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."

What? A son asks his mother if his dead father, who he never knew, was truly as bad as everyone says he was and all “Mama” can be bothered to say is, “Papa was a rollin’ stone?” The man is dead…a dead scoundrel…why not answer the questions? What’s the point of all the avoidance? I’d like to think that if I ever had any kids that I would have spent time cultivating the sort of relationship where I’d feel free to answer all my kid’s questions, no matter how distasteful or difficult they might be. The fact the mother doesn’t confirm or deny any of her son’s suspicions makes me think she’s hiding something. Are the accusations all lies? Is she still in love with the deceased? Was the family in the Witness Protection Program?

If I ever meet Mr. Whitfield, that is if he’s still alive, I will have to grab him by the lapels and demand he answer these questions!

If I Can’t Have You by Yvonne Elliman (Bee Gees)

I really do love this song! It’s extremely catchy, great to dance to, Yvonne’s voice is superb, and it just brings back so many wonderful Saturday Night Fever memories. But it is just…so…sad! It really bothers me when women kvetch and moan over men like this! I just want to grab this woman by the lapels and shake her!

If I can't have you

I don't want nobody, baby

If I can't have you... 

If I can't have you

I don't want nobody, baby

If I can't have you...

What in blue blazes is she talking about? She can’t have the man she wants so she’s dooming herself to a life of hopelessness and despair? It is more than evident that a man wrote this song. Only a man would think that a woman would “get thee to a nunnery” and spend the rest of her days pining away for her lost beloved! Give me a freakin’ break! All it takes for a man to get over a woman is another woman. Maybe a little battery acid thrown in the face of the offending women? Murder/suicide is another tactic widely used by “broken hearted” men.

What she needs to do is get thee to a counselor to discuss her co-dependency issues then head to the yoga studio for some stretching and deep breathing exercises. In the immortal words of Parliament Funkadelic, free your ass and your mind will follow!

And while we’re on the subject of ass…

Wait (The Whisper Song) by the Ying Yang Twins

I must admit that I like this joint too. But before you throw the Feminist Bible at me, let me explain! I like the fact that Mr. Ying and Mr. Yang are whispering. People don’t usually whisper through out an entire song and it actually compliments the subject matter, lending it a more seductive tone. If they spoke in normal voices the song would seem even more garish and filthy then it already is…sort of like a Luke song. The second thing I like is the spare beat. It reminds me of Hip Hop’s infancy when all an MC needed was a funky base line or an 808 to get his point across. Honestly, I really can’t help but shake my ass when I hear it. But then there are the lyrics:

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick 

Wait til you see my dick 

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick 

Imma beat dat pussy up 

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick 

Wait you see my dick 

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick 

Imma beat dat pussy up

Where to gotdam begin? The underlying (some would argue blatant) misogyny is what got so many people riled up. But my question is this: Are there really still women out there who respond to this sort of behavior? I mean men can only get away with what we women let them. Men have proven that they can’t be trained or even reasoned with so why are we enabling them by allowing them to speak to us in this manner and then rewarding them with sexual favors?

Mr. Ying and Mr. Yang didn’t just pull these lyrics out of their collective asses. I’m sure there was some sort of hypothesis with a field study, dependent and independent variables, and a double-blind study with a clinical trial. If I write them do you think they’d send me their findings? Maybe they’ve already been published in some scholarly, scientific, Hip Hop journal?

As for me, I think if I were in a club and Mr. Ying or Mr. Yang…or any doofus for that matter, approached me and said, “You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft. Mind if I touch it and see if it’s soft?” I’d slap the ever-loving shit out of him and stomp on his nuts with my three-inch heels for good measure. That shit ain’t right yo! I’m just saying…

Oh well, my favorite Temptations song is Treat Her Like A Lady …the same as a certain hot, New Zealand Rugby player I know… – GD

I’ve dated myself enough as it is already but damn these joints bring back memories! Happy, carefree memories when life was so full of promise and…oh hell! Just watch the videos ya’ll!

Run DMC – King Of Rock (RIP Jam Master Jay)


Eric B & Rakim – Paid In Full (I’d still hit Rakim! And RIP Ofra Haza )


Stetsasonic – Talkin' All That Jazz (And this joint still gets me out of my seat!)


Ice Cube – Today Was A Good Day


Sir-Mix-A-Lot – Posse On Broadway


Big Daddy Kane – I Get The Job Done (Yes and I wanted him to work on me!)


D Nice – Call Me D Nice (I had dreams about those luscious lips! Sigh!)


Salt N Pepa – Tramp (This song goes out to all the men who’ve gotten on my last black nerve. You know who you are.)


Stop The Violence Movement – Self Destruction (This song still gives me chills. It’s a shame nothing has changed though.)


Until next week Dear Readers…stay P.H.A.T.! – GD

Happy Birthday to us!

Who would have thought that two opinionated black girls from Texas, with too much time on their hands and not enough cash, would have been able to focus on a blog for one solid year? Okay so there was that time in May 2005 (it was summer and we both had some serious issues so give us a break yo!) when we slacked off in a major way but we’ve pretty much stayed the course since then. We’ve even managed to make a few friends, a few enemies and hopefully, entertained and educated our readers along the way.

Most of all, we’ve been able to relieve some stress by sounding off on some of the hottest topics of the day (racism, sexism…pretty much all the major “isms”) as well as some of the old tried and true areas of discord such as why men are so dangnabit stupid and why women continue to put up with their shit as well as, and this is the part that really chaps our collective hides here at SATS, assist them in their mistreatment of us by buying into their idea of what women should be. But that, as we say here at SATS, is another post altogether. So on with the festivities!

Sit back, relax, and join us as we take a tour through the last twelve months of our existence; the highs…the lows…the kvetching and moaning…the calling out of politicians, public figures, celebrities, and the common rabble (and yes even ourselves!) on their shit…so on and so on ad nauseam (or ad infinitum if you prefer)…:

Extra! Extra! Miss Sakamoto Interviews The Sushi Girls™!

Miss Sakamoto: Why did you want to start a blog?

galaxyMafia: Initially, this blog was called The Sushi Diaries and it's sole function was to support the non-fiction novel GD and I were writing called "How To Eat Sushi Off A Guy" or something like that. I may have the title wrong. But, the blog was created to generate interest in the book. I was hoping that if lots of people came to our blog and started talking about it, publishers would come a-knockin' with book deals. Well, that's what I get for hoping, right?

Glamour Diva: Because GM wanted to start a blog to support the non-fiction novel we were writing. I always thought blogs were silly and a bit self-indulgent and I’m self-indulgent enough as it is (as proven by my ever expanding middle) but GM was able to convince me this would be the exception. Well it wasn’t. Sometimes it’s a chore and I really do “phone it in” on occasion but “hope springs eternal” as the poem goes; Random House is bound to catch on soon. Right?!?!?

MS: What is your favorite entry?

GM: I don't have one specific favorite but I like the "Shut Up" posts by GD. As for my own posts, well, I think they're all kind of silly. The truth is, I am not the best non-fiction satirist. I'm much better at fiction which is why I introduced serialized fiction to the blog. . .don't know if that was a good idea or not????

GD: This is hard! I love all my babies but I guess if I had a shotgun to my head and Dick Cheney’s dirty, raggedy, claws on my booty I’d have to pick All Hail Glamour Diva! Queen of All She Surveys! I think it really set the tone for the blog and the way GM and I think about men. I also love GM’s White Girls Can’t Loose! It’s funny because it’s true! [Giggle]

MS: What is your favorite comment?

GM: In March of 2005, when we first put the blog up, my sister gave us our first comments and I'll always appreciate that. Here's another comment I like: "I'm with you on this galaxyMafia. I dig Ben, too regardless of how smaltzy the movie is." That was posted by Donna and it was cool to find someone else who could appreciate a tall, handsome man. I wrote a post about Ben Affleck as a counter to all the foolishness about a certain "zebra" who acts on a FOX show and whose name I shall not write in this interview!! I promise!!!

GD: Oh this one is easy! I sho nuff love "Bob" telling me how fine he is and how I couldn't handle a real man like him! Not only is it representative of most of my experiences with the opposite species but it was the beginning of my very first blogosphere fight!

MS: Whose name are you always happy to see in your comments?

GM: Other than my sister, I have to say probably a lady named Donna.

GD: Yes Ms. Donna is my favorite too! We miss you Donna!

MS: What are your favorite blogs/bloggers?

GM: I really don't look at other people's blogs. If I do, I start thinking, “I don't have time to read this. I need to work on my own blog!

GD: I don’t really have a favorite either. The ones we have listed on the blog are good but I don’t think I could call any of them my “fav”. I really don’t have time for too much intense blog reading ya know?

MS: If you could change/rewrite one blog, what would it be?

GM: I'd probably take "Bulletproof Love" and cast another actor. Maybe Eddie Cibrian, or even Ben. But then I like them so it would have a completely different tone.

GD: I don’t think I would change anything really. I like going back and reading about whatever it was that interested me or pissed me off in the past. I like seeing how much I’ve grown…or not grown as the case may be…

MS: What has changed most for you in the past year?

GM: I have become a lot meaner and more contrary. I can't stand or put up with anything but, I know I have issues and I'm working on them. Sort of.

GD: Well I certainly write more which is good but other than that, nothing damn much! I was always a contrary, verbal bitch so really nothing.

MS: What has your greatest accomplishment been in the past year?

GM: I finished my romantic comedy and I actually allowed other people besides my sister to read it and they liked it. I'm also writing a mystery and my co-workers really like that so I figure I'm soon to be published.

GD: Once again, my writing. There’s more of it now and I’m more disciplined about getting it out there.

MS: What man/men personify your tagline the most?

GM: Believe it or not, I have to say Ben Affleck. I suppose he is my dream soulmate (Jenny G notwithstanding) but, really, when he opens his mouth nothing comes out put pontification, postulation, speculation and invocation. It's all sound and fury signifying nothing. Pomp and circumstance without sentiment or substance. Other than that, it's all good.

GD: No question…Paul Walker baby! If there is anyone who should be objectified and not heard it’s that walking Faberge Egg! He’s utterly useless but good night is he ever beautiful!

The Twelve Months Of Sex and the Sushi

So we totally cribbed this idea from Bitch magazine but since they’ve been around for ten years and we’ve only been blogging for one, we really couldn’t have lots of big lists on our top ten thus and suches so we decided to do lots of little lists on our top twelve thus and suches. [Heh! Get it? One for each month!]

12 Sexy Men We Love – The Game, Xzibit, Jonathan Togo, Adam Rodriguez, Matthew Gray Gubler, Common, Evan Marriott, Ben Affleck, Eddie Cibrian, Tom Brady, Jerry O'Connell, The Rock

12 Men We’d Marry If We Believed In Marriage – Barack Obama, Al Gore, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Tavis Smiley, Ed Bradley, Ken Griffey Jr., Boris Becker, Nate Berkus, Shane Lynch, Peton Manning, Ronde and Tiki Barber


12 Men We’d Quit Our Jobs For – Steve Jobs, The Sultan Of Brunei, Leonard Lauder, Haim Saban, Charles C. Butt, David Filo, John R. Menard, Jr., Prince Harry, Larry Ellison, the Google Guys, Richard Branson


12 Sexy Men Over 40 We Love – Harry Belafonte, Paul Newman, Harvey Keitel, Richard Roundtree, Robert DeNiro, Keanu Reeves, Tom Selleck, Tom Wopat, Timothy Dalton, Donald Sutherland, Avery Brooks, Dennis Haysbert


12 Men Prettier Than Wentworth Miller – Carlos “Caco” Ricci Souza, Leo Peixoto, Paul Walker, Travis Fimmel, Jude Law, Ryan Phillippe, Elijah Wood, Jason Momoa, Orlando Bloom, Tom Welling, Louis Garrel, Karim Aum


12 Mopeds (“Fun to ride but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on it”) We Hate To Love – 50 Cent, Scott Stapp, Lenny Kravitz, Vince Vaughn, Bono, Tego Calderón, Michael Buble, Mark Walberg, David Beckam, Jesse James, Jay McGraw, Jesse Metcalf

And One Mo Damn Thing!

Ms. GD and galaxyMafia don’t agree on many things but one thing we are always of one mind on is how much we love or readers – Thank you so much to all our Dear Readers!

When we started this we never expected to garner such a following or any following for that matter. But with great power comes great…HATERS!

Yes we know we’re hated (or at the very least despised) by many of our more disgruntled (yet still very much loved) readers. To you we give our most sincere and heartfelt thanks for disliking us so very much and for expressing that dislike all up and down our blog! With out you we would not have experienced a 50% jump in page views as well as recognition on other sites/blogs/forums. So keep on hating on us, linking to our blog, talking trash behind our backs, removing us from your sites and leaving us “anonymous” comments. We really do appreciate it! Seriously…we do!

Cheers!

Smooches and High Fives,
galaxyMafia & Glamour Diva

The year end list is trite as hell but we made one anyway. Enjoy…or don’t. It really makes us no never mind.

Best/Worst Movie

Best – A History of Violence

Click here for previous review

Worst – The Longest Yard/The Amityville Horror

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. And if it sucked to begin with for sure as hell don’t remake it if you can’t make it better! Adam Sandler replacing Burt Reynolds? What the fuck ever! And we don’t care how buff Ryan Reynolds is, washboard abs don’t add a damn thing to a horror movie! The people that green lighted this tripe can lick the crickety cracks of our black asses!

Best/Worst Movie Hero and Villain

Viggo Mortensen in A History Of Violence

Tom Stall is just the kind of anti-hero every gal dreams of marrying. He can put food on the table and kill a guy with a coffee pot! I'll buy that for a dollar!!

Best/Worst Television Show

Best – Commander in Chief /Prison Break

Commander in Chief
This show has it all; style, drama, fast paced writing, and a realistic plot that balances political intrigue with terrific family drama. Also, 15 million fools can’t be wrong!

Prison Break
The only thing realistic about his show is the prison it’s filmed in but we don’t care! If We’re going to spend an hour suspending our disbelief it will be watching this show. We’ve installed crash carts next to our Barcaloungers just in case all the drama, action, pathos and shirtless Dominic Purcell and Wentworth Miller become too much for us to handle.

Worst – Alias/That 70’s Show

Alias
We wouldn’t have any problem with Alias if it were staring the girl JJ Abrams truly intended; Keri Russell. The idea of Alias came when JJ wanted to do an episode of Felicity as a CIA agent recruit. But after Russell cut her hair and sent the ratings plummeting, the WB was squeamish about taking Russell’s character into uncharted territory. After JJ gave up on Felicity he chose pinched face Jennifer Garner to headline the show. Add to that the fact that when Jennifer Garner unceremoniously dumped Michael Vartan and had him kicked off the show the producers found out who the real star was when the ratings took a nose dive. Now that he’s back no one cares anymore and it’s “Hasta La Vista” for the whole crew. Lesson for TV Producers: Never underestimate the power of a hot, sexy man…NEVER!

That 70’s Show
Short and sweet: Eric Foreman is the pivotal character on the show. All the other characters revolve around Eric. Now that he’s in Africa who gives a damn! End it now while you still have your self-respect. There is no glory in being canceled. Being canceled is the equivalent of being told to get the hell out of someone’s house. So get out already!

Best/Worst Reality Show

Best – America’s Next Top Model
There’s nothing like a good catfight on a Wednesday night and ANTM never fails to deliver! Sure, none of the women have any business on anyone’s catwalk but their skills (or even their beauty for that matter) aren’t what keeps us coming back “cycle” after “cycle”. What we love most is the big “fierce” laboratory experiment that is the show. Just how looney can fourteen, no talent, female gerbils stuck in a luxury Habitrail become? Watch and find out…BITCHES!

Worst – So You Think You Can Dance?
Once again, FOX imitates, duplicates and comes in last place. Worse thing was, none of them fools could truly bust a move!

Best/Worst TV Villain

Best – Robert Knepper, Prison Break, T-Bag

No one on television has ever made us squirm as much as Theodore Bagwell, aka T-Bag. Ok, maybe Clarence Thomas during the confirmation hearings but that’s another story. What do you get when you mix white supremacist, child murderer/molester, flaming homosexual sexual predator and sociopath with just a hint of Southern charm? You get the creepiest villain ever! Actually, they could have left the homosexuality out and he would have been just as creepy but that’s a topic for another post…

Honorable Mention – Donald Sutherland, Commander in Chief, Nathan Templeton

Worst – Julian McMahon, Nip/Tuck, Dr. Christian Troy

What can we say about this bottom-feeder? How about. . .oily skin, slick hair and a sleazy sex life played out in front of a greased lens. Can somebody please get this misogynistic misanthrope a bar of non-comedigenic soap and some clarifying shampoo? Oh yeah, and throw in a conscience while you're at it.

Best/Worst TV Hero

Best – Geena Davis, Commander in Chief, Mackenzie Allen

With grace, style and the ability to pull out a Sun Tsu quote on your ass at just the right moment, Geena Davis as President Mackenzie Allen gives us a bittersweet glimpse of what we have always suspected [but were too afraid to proclaim out loud for fear of having our tongues ripped out]: A woman should be running this country. America, you cheeky bitch...we salute ya!

Worst – Eddie Cibrian, Invasion, Russell Varon

As much as we wish Eddie Cibrian was our damn garbage man, we have to say we are disappointed by his park ranger family man character on ABC's new paranormal drama, "Invasion". For those of you who don't know, basically, Shaun "Da do run run" Cassidy who produces the show is biting a huge chunk outta "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (the one starring Donald Sutherland). Personally, we think Cassidy's "American Gothic" was better but. . .so Eddie plays Ranger Russ, who is gorgeous and disturbingly not at all as concerned as he should be considering that following a hurricane strange things start happening in his small Florida town. When your kid goes into shock after receiving a blood transfusion from his own mother. . .and the blood turns out to be not human but dolphin blood, we think you might want to do something other than frowning before slowly, slowly looking away.

Best Song and Album

Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine, "Tymps (The Sick In The Head Song)"

Gavin DeGraw, Chariot, "I Don’t Want To Be"

Biggest Cad/Wanton Woman

Billy Cudrup and Claire Danes

Unabashedly unrepentant, these two know they're pariahs but because they're "in love", they are willing to withstand the onslaught. . .yeah, Claire, until Billy falls in love with his next co-star while you're baby-sitting his kid. Claire Danes, never one of our faves, has turned into the kind of woman we can't stand. . .the woman who refuses to admit that a man who'll leave his pregnant girlfriend ain't much of a man. [Britney!! Pay attention young lady!!] I'm so tired of women falling for heartless assholes and blaming it on love. If we were in love, we wouldn't stand for it. . .but, that's another post!

Class of 2005 Most Likely To Succeed

Lindsay Lohan

She's got her red hair and her boobs back. And that's all the charm she needs to take over the world. This feisty Irish lass has got gold at the end of her rainbow. And if you think that was too many Irish clichés, you can kiss my blarney stone!

Wentworth Miller

We’ve already covered this ad nauseam for the love of Pete! Click here, here, here or even here for previous reviews.

Class of 2005 Least Likely To Succeed

Jennifer Aniston

She's cute and pathetic and we're all on her side but. . .why should we pay good, hard earned money to see "Rachel Green" have a ridiculous affair with Clive Owen when we can see her for free in syndication on some UHF station?

Diddy

This may just be wishful thinking but damn if we don’t wish this mouth breathing, no talent having, media whore would go away! Maybe if we say it enough it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy? We can only pray…

Best/Worst PR

Best – Angelina Jolie
Angie J. should give her PR flack a tricked out Hummer for Christmas. I mean, the advice about adopting the African kid. . .classic, just classic!

Worst – Tom Cruise
Everyone thinks he’s crazy and he’s making crappy movies. Enough said.

Worst Haters of 2005

50 Cent…For having zero percent sense of humor about himself and hatin’ on anyone who isn’t Fiddy.

Eminem…For having -100,000 percent sense of humor about himself and hatin’ on anyone who isn’t Marshall Mathers the “Great White Hope” of Hip Hop.

Kanye West...For having -100,000,000 percent sense of humor about himself, an ego as big as the universe and for hatin’ on Dubbya.

George W. Bush…For being the worst President ever and for hatin’ on the world, not just Black people.

Europe…For persistently and annoyingly hatin’on the United States.

People Most In Need Of A Slap Across The Face With A Fish

Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes

It was bad enough that y'all got together. Then y'all spawned. Surely, the end of the world is fast approaching. Joey Potter, we were so wrong about ye!!

Fred Durst

Listen Fred…man up already and stop whining about how some woman scrunched up your trifling self like a used paper towel and wiped her ass with it! You aren’t a bad looking man but no woman wants a man that whines about his broken heart so much. If you grew some balls maybe you could get a woman and keep her. And also, please don’t fool yourself into thinking someone would ever want to see your sex tape! Who do you think you are? Colin Farrell? Wigga Please!

Bono

This bleeding heart do-gooder. Personally, we think his altruism is a mask for his dastardly deeds carried out on behalf of the IRA.

Best People’s 50 Most Beautiful People Choice

Daniel Dae Kim, Lost, Jin-Soo Kwon

Other than Native Americans, Asians are one of the most under represented groups in all media, particularly Asian men and most particularly when it comes to beauty. We salute People Magazine for being so forward thinking and we salute Mr. Kim for being fine as all get out! WORD to his mother, God bless her!

Hookups That Made Us Say…What The Fuck!

Renée Zellweger & Kenny Chesney

What the…? But who…? How did they…? Why did they…? These fools are already divorced and we still don’t get it!

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner

Ben, we're so disappointed. Your choice in wives is almost as awful as your choice in movie projects.

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline

OK, so she meets him one night at a club. They hook up. Then two nights later, she's crying because she has to go to London and leave him. Then, she sends him a plane ticket to come and be with her in London. Britney, this kind of slavish attention to detail MUST be reserved for only the crème de la crème of men. If a woman is going to do something ignorant like underwrite some guy, the guy should at least be worth it!! She was better off with that no-singing, whiny wigga wanna be Timberlake!

In Desperate Need Of Therapy In 2006

Mike Jones

We understand that no one wanted you before you got rich and famous. But, know this and understand it - they still don't like you. They like the cash. They like you spending cash on them. Accept it and SHUT UP!

Britney Spears

When we first discovered you, you were a sweet little coon-ass from Louisiana doing back flips on MTV. Now, you're eating Chee-Toes and walking into roadside bathrooms barefoot and married to some wigga whose got two zebra babies out of wedlock that you're paying child support for. . .But wait, you are from Louisiana so, we suppose that explains all!!

Katie Holmes

Sister girl needs an intervention, deprogramming, therapy AND an exorcism from the Catholic Church!

Best/Worst Politician

Best – C. Ray Nagin

What can we say about this man that would ever do him justice? We lose our minds when we get a hangnail so we can only imagine what we would do when faced with the destruction of our city. Mr. Nagin kept his cool until he just couldn’t keep it anymore and when he lost it the world (and dumbass Dubbya) felt his pain and despair. We ain’t mad atcha Mr. Nagin, we ain’t mad atcha…[Pumping right fists in the air in perfectly synchronized thrusts]

Worst – Tom DeLayWe don’t mind that he’s so unrelentingly evil. We respect people who don’t try to conceal their misanthropic tendencies behind a veneer of loving kindness. What we can’t stand is that he doesn’t have the balls to admit it! Give it up Tommie Boy, we know you suckle at the teat of the Anti-Christ so sit down and SHUT UP!

Trends We Don’t Want To See In 2006

Man Stealing – Angie J. . .Paris. . .Claire. . .and any other woman who can't seem to find a man unless he's attached to another women. . .listen up. . .you chicas think you're cute and powerful now but, one day, y'all gone run up on some crazy bitch and you gone wind up cut sixteen ways from Sunday. . .leave that woman's man alone!!!

Big Ass Sunglasses – If they won’t let this fashion crisis end then the least the stars could do is call us so we can tell them if they have the right shaped head for these ugly shades!

Ig’nant Star Baby Names – Apple, Violet, Hazel. . .do we really need kids named after fruits and colors and acid induced dreams and mathematical theorems. . .?

Reality Stars Refusing To Disappear When Their 15 Minutes Are Up – Rob and Amber need to go away. . .matter of fact, we'll kidnap them and push them off a cliff. You don't even have to pay us. He's a heathen and she's a brainless twit. What she sees in that fool, we’ll never know. . .after all, she won the damn million. . .what the hell does she need him for?

Everybody who used to be on Real World [whatever city] – consistently coming back for those Real world versus Road Rules shows. . .Ruthie, Rachel, Veronica and the rest of y'all fools. Please move on and get a damn life. We know MTV ain't paying you that much!

Grills – It’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s just plan U.G.L.Y.! The time of dental adornments has come and gone people. Let it go…

First I must say that while I was delighted to find out that Prison Break would be back in March 2006 as opposed to May, I was extremely disappointed with Monday’s lack luster “Fall Finale”. Now I won’t say that the show wasn’t any good it’s just that after all the build up from Fox and the PB producers I expected marching bands, a three ring circus, pyrotechnics plus an all-star musical extravaganza! What I got was the usual tense, well-written episode. So I guess I wasted my money on those Depends huh?

After the show I called galazyMafia to rehash the episode (once you’ve spent four years deconstructing the media your DNA is forever altered and you are never again able to sit back and simply enjoy TV/movies) and we got to talking about Mr. Miller. As usual I began to rant about the lack of information about him and why he always looks as though he’d rather be somewhere else. I started to wonder if he is as tense, controlling and socially inept as he appears. Seriously, did you catch him on Leno? I swear he looked like he would bolt at any moment! Leno kept touching his arm and patting him; trying to get him to fucking relax!

And all the fidgeting and lent picking and the furtive looks…what was all that about? And don’t get me started on how he read that script. Granted, as a rabid fan I know all there is to know about everything he’s done so far but really now, he didn’t even try to switch things up, not even a little!

So all this wondering naturally led me to imagine what sort of person he is when he is far away from the prying eyes of…well people like me! I imagined a Wentworth that is miles away from the public persona he nurses so well. I imagined a Wentworth without borders so to speak, a Wentworth that is straight ghetto!

Come with me now on a journey into the mind of Glamour Diva as she explores The Secret Life of The Pretty – Ghetto D [Don’t worry if you don’t get the reference, ask someone who likes Master P; they’ll be able to tell you]

Ghetto Went likes music but because he’s over thirty he has a fondness for the classics. He has tender memories of his childhood back in Brooklyn, sitting at the kitchen table, doing his homework, while his Daddy plays his old Four Tops, Gladys Knight and The Pips, Isley Brothers, Aretha Franklin and James Brown LPs.

Favorite Music: Old school R&B and Hip-Hop
Maze featuring Frankie Beverly
Biz Markie
Rufus featuring Chaka Khan
Alexander O’Neil (with or without Cherrelle)
Doug E Fresh
The O’Jays
Lenny Williams
Africa Bambaataa
Stetsasonic
The Dazz Band
Teena Marie
Mtume

Ghetto Went is blessed with a very high metabolism so eating healthy has never been much of a concern. He likes comfort food; the kind his Grandma used to make, with some of his mother’s ethnic favorites thrown in for good measure.

Favorite Food: Whatever has the most fat and calories
Matzo ball soup
Rice and gravy
Homemade macaroni and cheese
Fried chicken
Fried fish
Grits and gravy
Latkes
Barbeque
Gumbo
Collard Greens
Sweet potatoes
Cornbread
Peach cobbler
Okra

Ghetto Went, when not busy sniffin’ out the cheddar for high paying, high profile acting roles, likes to tool around the city in his 2006 Escalade. His SUV has been custom fitted by West Coast Customs of MTV’s Pimp My Ride fame. His spinning, thirty inch rims don’t just spin…they have chimes in them too! But where is Ghetto Went headed in his custom SUV? Why to Glamour Diva’s house of course! He’s picking her up for a date. What will they do on their date?

Favorite Date Activities: The more ghetto the better
Red Lobster for all you can eat scrimp, er…I mean shrimp
Buying a bucket of chicken and a couple of forties then heading back to the house to watch Sports Center
Renting a few DVDs and watching them at his shorty’s house

WOW! What a hot image! Add to that cornrows done up in some interesting design, baggy jeans, Timberlands, and an Ecko hoodie and my goodness I am all a tweeter and a flutter! I can just see him pimp walking up to me with a little smile on his face. Then he leans down a bit (he’s much taller than me) and gives me a huge bear hug as he whispers in my ear, “Wassup baby? I been thinkin’ ‘bout you all damn day! You miss me love?”

Shriek! Shriek! Shriek!

But it’s just a fantasy. Sigh. Our boy is way to serious and stalwart for that…or is he?

I will…ponder…this entry tonight after I’ve showered and settled into bed with a glass of wine and a good vib…er, I mean book! – GD