The Sushi Girls Need Your Help!

You love gossip and we love bringing it to you but we can’t do it alone! So we’re putting the call out to all our Dear Readers in New Zealand, Australia and Europe and asking you to help us make our blog, nay YOUR blog, better for you! We want to deputize a few hundred or so “Moles” to go out there, get the gossip and bring it in dead or alive for our new rugby themed celebrity gossip podcast – Caught Out There with The Sushi Girls! What’s in it for me you ask? Well other than our love and appreciation you get the thrill of calling out your favorite player and putting his business on blast all over the Internet!

We do have a few rules though and they are as follows:

• When you send us the gossip, either through email of Skype, please include your real name and the real name of the player you’re reporting on. We won’t use your name but we need it just the same.
• All gossip will be presented as Blind Items. We can’t use real names because that would be slander which is illegal in most countries.
• If you have photographs we’ll use them but they must be your property! Taking personal photos from someone without their express consent is stealing and illegal in most countries.
• And last but most importantly...we’d prefer your gossip be true or at least have the ring of truth about it. We understand if you have an axe to grind with a particular player but out and out lies, no matter how salacious and juicy, are just cruel and The Sushi Girls are honest…never cruel.
  

Damn. Is it February already?!? That’s right Dear Readers it’s that time again… Super 14 is upon us! The largest (And dare I say best?) rugby competition in the southern hemisphere (Nay, THE WORLD!) officially jumped off today in South Africa, Australia and New Zealand. It seems like it was only yesterday that good old galaxyMafia and I were spending every weekend with our faces plastered to her computer screen, whoopin’ and hollerin and tossing rude, thinly veiled sexual innuendoes at all the rugby players! Aaaahhh…fun times ya’ll!

Now it’s time to begin the madness and downward spiral into ceaseless gigglin’ and depravity once again. Saturday evening, or 12:05am Sunday morning if you live in the United States Central Time Zone is the first game for our favorite team, the Wellington Hurricanes . Our boys are playing the Queensland Reds in Brisbane, Australia but I don’t really know much about the team. I think they’re a relatively new organization but I could be wrong. To be painfully honest, I don’t really care. All that matters is if they’re hot or not:


Hmmm…well a few of them are a little pasty but I think they’ll do. I will say this though, the Aussies are NOT afraid of the Speedos! Check out home skillet in the blue…OW! I will hold my final judgment until I see them in action this weekend but early polls say the Wellington Roll Dogs are leading in the hotness competition as well as the rugby skills competition.

Even so there are many burning questions left, uh…burning…

[Insert dramatic organ music]

Will Ma’a Nonu cause a riot in the stands when he smiles at some unsuspecting, sweet young thang oooooooorrrrrrrrrrr… will he be so tuckered out from all the trolling the night before that he arrives too pooped to pop out that starburst like smile of his on an unsuspecting populace?

Will Neemia Tialata continue to cheat in the scrum by getting so far underneath the opposing team’s scrummers that they lose their balance and their confidence oooooooorrrrrrrrrrr… will the new scrum laws finally force the big lug nut to play fair?

Will Tana Umaga use his time on the bench to reassess his feelings on his marriage to Mrs. Umaga and look into those rumors about that zaftig and cute as a button Texas girl who has a major crush on him oooooooorrrrrrrrrrr… will he just sit on that stationary bike on the sidelines and peddle slowly into nowhere while mentally counting his millions and congratulating himself on having the good sense to be born Tana Umaga?

Will the absence of the hard hitting and fabulously fabulous Jerry “The Hitman” Collins make a difference, if any, in how the “Glamour Boys” of Wellington perform in tonight’s game oooooooorrrrrrrrrrr…will the urge to get his hands on the ball and throw grown men around like rag dolls be too much for the big man to take, forcing him to escape from the jelly (as GM calls it) he’s been floating in for the last few weeks in the so called “All Blacks Conditioning Program” only to show up in Brisbane, naked with electrodes still attached to his body and with a strange, red glow in his eyes?

[Insert even more dramatic organ music]

These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of Rugger’s Hope! Until then, Dear Readers, stay cool and hang loose! – GD


Beach pic found here

0 Comment

Here we go ya’ll, one mo ‘gain with Sex and the Sushi’s year end best and worst list. Now with Extra Snark! Enjoy!

Movie

Best – The Devil Wears Prada
The book, a hematoma of bad writing billed as the "phenomenal New York Times bestseller" only got that title because Lauren Weisberger was dishing about brittle Vogue editor Anna "Nuclear Winter" Wintour. The movie however, doesn't suffer from mixed metaphors and dangling participles. A delightful comedy, it's an enchanting cautionary tale about bosses from hell and the ambitious young things who will never please them.

Worst – Running Scared
See galaxyMafia’s review

Television Show

Best – The Unit/Ugly Betty

The Unit – Dennis Haysbert leads the charge as Jonas "Snake Doc" Blaine, head of a team of elite soldiers who carry out dangerous secret missions for the US government. Sleek, clever and deadly, these guys always get the target right betwixt the eyes. Thankfully, though, there are no dapper 007s running amok here (though the boys do tidy up nicely when the mission calls for it). These government enhanced Alpha males drink domestic beer, spilt verbs and wouldn't be caught dead trying to neutralize the enemy with a Walther PPK. These guys don't get out of bed if they can't use SAMs (surface-to-air missiles - number one on any badass feminista’s wish list). But, the best part about them is that they're still afraid of their wives.

Ugly Betty – This show is about as perfect a show as you can get on network TV! All the wit and bite of other “insider” type shows with none of the stomach churning schmaltz of family shows like 7th Heaven and everything on ABC Family. And all of this is done with the sort of camp that slaps you upside the head then pushes you down into the hairdresser’s chair for a thorough and well overdue makeover! Also, who couldn’t love the beautiful, voluptuous America Ferrera? We first fell in love with her and her juicy, real woman sexiness in the movie Real Women Have Curves and that love has only blossomed and grown with every episode of this show!

Runner Up – Fashion House
See Glamour Diva’s review

Worst – We don’t have a worst TV show at this time. We haven’t had time to watch too much bad TV because we’ve been spending way too much time foaming at the mouth over rugby!

Reality Show

Best – The Amazing Race
This show hasn't won a gazillion Emmys in a row for nothing. It's smart, stylized and the winners don't have to lie, cheat and scheme to get the cash in the end. . .well, not usually anyway.

Worst – The Bachelor/Flava of Love

The Bachelor – I don't know what's worse. That ABC hasn't cancelled this sexist drivel or that thousands of lonely, desperate, seething harpies continue to sign up to be exploited, objectified and ridiculed for a chance with some loser who will dump her three weeks after the finale, claiming "too much time apart" kept their love from blossoming.

Flava of Love – Damn! Damn! Damn! And damn again we scream! We were down with Flav when he was coonin’ for a cause with Public Enemy but Hip Hip’s most famous and entertaining Hype Man has sunk to an all time low with this shizz! That’s right, continuing to wallow in drug addiction would have been a much more honorable way of hastening his untimely demise than staring in this travesty of broadcast television! And the women?!? Oh…my…GOD! Where do we even freakin’ begin? This show sets ALL women back, not just the “colored” ones people! The Sushi Girls don’t mind a woman fighting for her man but you’d think by now we would have learned the difference between a good man and no’count loser! But alas none of us, male and female, colored and pasty white, have learned a damn thing since Adam and Eve got their sinning asses kicked the hell out of the Garden of Eden! Sigh…

Best Song/Album

Female
Mary J. Blige, The Breakthrough

Male
Robin Thicke, The Evolution of Robin Thicke

Celebrity Breakup

Best – Britney Spears & Kevin Federline, Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston
Take one mega rich but still very lonely Southern girl with low self-esteem and add one opportunistic, self-proclaimed “Jack the Lad” with baby mama drama and you have a recipe for disaster. We will not cry for these two fools because they never should have been together in the first place! The only ones we even come close to caring about are those precious babies. Like the saying goes, you can pick your ass but you can’t pick your parents! And as far as Jen and Vince go – this should prove once and for damn all that rebound relationships don’t work! It was shaky from the start but when they had the unmitigated gall to star in a movie together we knew they were doomed for sure. Just who do you think you are J&V? Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman? Tracy and Hepburn? Bacall and Bogart? Please! Just chalk this up to temporary insanity and move on, preferably away from our television and movie screens.

Worst – Hilary Swank & Chad Lowe, Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Philippe
What becomes of the husband and wife who should have stuck it out? In Hollywood, that manufactured cotton candy dreamland, it seems no one takes their marriage vows seriously. "I do" is merely the latest catchphrase and "til death do us part" can be negotiated by a team of Harvard-educated barristers. It seemed however, that Hilary/Chad and Reese/Ryan would grin and bear it. After all, marriage is a partnership, a lifelong commitment, or so the Hallmark cards say. Sure, both Hil and Reece brought home all the bacon and fried it up in a pan. And sure, they were married to eunuchs who couldn't buy a decent movie role but is that any reason to sever the union? Just goes to show, the world (i.e. Hollywood) is not quite ready for the Alpha Girl.

Biggest Cad/Wanton Woman

Kevin Federline and Denise Richards

Denise Richards – Oh Denise. We were so with you when you dumped that fat head, whoremongering pseudo cholo Charlie Sheen particularly because we couldn't understand how a lovely girl like you could get herself hemmed up with Chuck "I BRAKE FOR PROSTITUTES" Sheen. Surely, we mused, Denise could do better than that. Little did we know you were about to do much worse. Little did we know you would turn into a wanton hussy, breaking the one unpardonable sin among girlfriends: Thou shalt not enter into an illicit affair with thy girlfriend's husband - especially when the divorce isn't even final!!

Kevin Federline – What a major dumb ass! You were living the dream! You had a rich, hot wife and you didn’t even have to pay your own child support! But you just couldn’t handle all those perks and all that freedom could you? You just had to act like a wannabe “baller/shot caller” bragging about how you had Brit Brit on lock! And then came the all night partying, solo trips to Las Vegas, shopping sprees (On wifey’s dime of course), failed music career attempts (When Britney Spears tells you your album sucks you really should listen baby), and the ho’s. BOY IS YOU CRAZY?!?!? The answer to that is apparently a resounding YES!

Class of 2007 Most Likely To Succeed

Jennifer Hudson
Anybody that proves Simon Cowell and Co. wrong as well as upstaging Beyonce in her supposed “breakthrough movie role” is a winner in our book! And you did it all while representing the juicy/dark girls! Go head then girl but watch ya back…Papa and Mama Knowles will cut a bitch!

Christopher Paolini
This twentysomething novelist had to self-publish his first book AND hawk it at trade shows, flea markets and libraries. But, his diligence paid off. Word of mouth about his tale of a boy and his dragon spread and before you could say five-book deal with Random House, the book, "Eragon" was blowing up C.P.'s spot. With his book deal and subsequent film deal not to mention the games, stuffed animals and gift cards, the guy who penned the story of a blue dragon has created a cottage industry that will outrival Harry Potter in the years to come.

Class of 2007 Least Likely To Succeed

Rosie O’Donnell
We understand how it feels to finally come to terms with who you are and we congratulate Rosie for coming out of the closet and becoming such a powerful and outspoken advocate for Gay Rights and adoption reform (Two things we feel very strongly about here at SATS). However, if the woman keeps accusing people of hatin’ on gay folk without substantial proof and picking on Donald Trump and Kelly Ripa et al, she might find herself without a damn job come 2008. Let’s not get too giddy over our newly minted Democratic Congress Dear Rosie. This is still America you know.

Star Jones
Star has admitted that she was humbled by her experience on The View so we won’t be too hard on her but we still say she needs to disappear for a while. At least until America’s short-term memory problem has had a chance to kick in. Americans love nothing more than watching a celebrity disintegrate spectacularly in front of their eyes then rise from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix. But if you don’t give us a chance to forget why we hated you in the first place then how can we love you again Star? Please go somewhere and sit down for a minute okay?

Best/Worst PR

Best – Nick Lachey
Your PR Toadies waved their magic wands and turned a cad into a hero. Your CD even sold more than your bubble headed Ex! America loves you now Nick; you won! And really that’s all that matters now don’t it?

Worst – Jessica Simpson
Girl please fire your PR team! And while you’re at it get your father fitted with a muzzle, bind him with duct tape, shove him in a burlap sack and hide him in a basement at an undisclosed location until he learns to shut his damn mouth and stay out yo business! Didn’t you realize something was wrong when people started saying Ashlee was hotter than you? Oh but no see! Sisterhood is one thing but celebrity is something else all together. God gave you that face and those curves for a reason Miss Thang so in the immortal words of RuPaul, you better work!

Worst Haters of 2006

Ann Coulter
She accuses people of treason, can barely speak to liberals (if she must), and calls 9/11 widows godless. Which, makes her worthless, loveless, childless, brainless, husbandless and sexless. . .which we suspect is the root of all her tyrannical ranting and raving.

Oprah vs Hip Hop (50 Cent, Ludicris, Ice Cube, et al.)
Have you all run out of stories about how much money you have, comparisons to Italian Mafiosos, selling drugs, runnin’ the ho’s, and getting ya ass shot off 100 times and living to tell the tale? Now you have to pick on Oprah? We agree that she can be a bit annoying but please! We think you have more important things to worry about like the PR problem Hip Hop has had for the last twenty years. Get your priorities straight people!

Republicans
As the saying goes, people who live in glass houses (with kiddie porn mags, lists of illegal campaign contributions and dead American soldiers strewn all over the floor) shouldn’t throw stones…at Democrats, Moderates. Independents, the Green Party and anyone else who refuses to be held down under the heel of your shiny jack boots!

LULAC, ACLU and all rampant, fire breathing, pro-immigration folk
You poor, misguided souls. Allowing the whole world live and/or work in the U.S. is not good for the world or the U.S.! Why? Because the only reason we tolerate “your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” is because they work for peanuts and live in conditions that no self-respecting goat would live in with little to no health care and also because they allow us (and by “us” we mean America, The Sushi Girls included) to continue to be lazy and self-centered, bourgeoisie pig dogs!

People Most In Need Of A Slap Across The Face With A Fish

Nancy Grace
Your seething, hissing haranguing should not drive people to suicide!

Mike Boogie, et al
Boogie and Dr. Will Kirby, the duplicitous duo, proved once again that liars, back-stabbers, manipulators, and cheaters always win - especially on lame ass reality shows. When Boogie and Kirby weren't "show-mancing" bubble-headed ditzoids, they were creating fake alliances, manipulating the weaker vessels and plotting against Kayser, whose good looks made him a perma target of Dr. Evil until he tricked others into ousting the devoted Muslim. The only honest statement Mike Boogie made was this: "I'm going to hell." True dat!

Eva Longoria & Tony Parker
We appreciate what a deep, raw dickin’ can do for a girl but must we hear about it all the time? And must we see your smug little Latina face everywhere we look reminding us of how little sex we’re getting? You know neither you nor your man is really all that! And yes we’re hating but you get on our nerves chica! [Sticking out our tongues at you and your French fried chere!]

Hookups That Made Us Say…What The Fuck?

Lindsay Lohan & Stavros Niarchos
Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds L2? Oh hells no!

Paris Hilton & Travis Barker
Huh? But why? No seriously, what the fuck was that all about?

Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock…again!
Pam baby…we think your implants might be leaking. How else to explain your asinine decision to hook up with KR? For fuck’s sake Pam think of the children! And our delicate stomachs!

Eddie Murphy & Melanie Brown AKA Scary Spice
Eddie know he was wrong for that! First of all everyone knows Eddie got color issues from waaaaaaaay back! Melanie, while not as dark as one of Eddie’s exes, Robin Givins, was still too dark for him. Just look at his Ex-Wife and his current paramour, Tracey Edmonds. Also, like Jen and Vince, rebound relationships never…EVER…work! We don’t know what the hell Mel B. was thinking but she should have done her damn homework before releasing her eggs for EM. Now she’s got to prove the paternity of her baby because Eddie couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Oh LAWD!

In Desperate Need Of Therapy In 2007

Lindsay Lohan
Dear LL (or L2 if you prefer). Girl, what's really going on? Flashing your cooch? Drinking at your AA meetings? Rambling essays on your MySpace filled with gratuitous grammatical mistakes? Hitting up that scruffy stiff Al Gore for help? Listen; find somebody to talk to who won't sell your business to US magazine. Doesn't matter if he's got a Freudian slant or a Jungian bent. Just don't show your goodies when you splay out provocatively on his couch.

Mel Gibson/Michael Richards
If the antics of these fools can’t convince white America that racism still exists them we don’t know what can! And wouldn’t it be swell if all white people could sit on an analyst’s couch and talk through their anger and hatred issues? Yea right…

Best/Worst Politician

Best – Barack Obama
For staying his ass out of the (negative) news thus preserving his sexy AND self-respect! And also for having the good taste to marry the lovely and talented (and dark skinned) Mrs. Obama as opposed to some light skinned, underachieving “black” woman or worse, some pasty faced, underachieving white woman. Yes we went there. What of it?

Worst – Mark Foley (Washington Page Scandal)
You cowardly, pedophilic sonofabitch! The very thought of you makes us wretch! And for the record Mark you don’t go to rehab for pedophilia. Are you honestly trying to imply that a substance abuse problem led you to seek sex from underage males? You ignorant fucker! You’re a sick and twisted individual with or without intoxicants and you best to deal with your issues instead of whitewashing them. Also, believe that we don’t accept you trying to further imply that homosexuality and pedophilia are one in the same. We’re on to you and all the other hatemongerers who keep trying to shove that old chestnut down our collective throats!

Trends We Don’t Want To See In 2007

Adopting African orphans for PR reasons
Skinny jeans
Eating disorders
Celebrities with MySpace/YouTube accounts
Misuse of the term “Baby Mama/Daddy”

Trends We Do Want To See In 2007

Dance Off’s as conflict resolution
More gratuitous male nudity
A nation-wide, grassroots movement to get American children adopted by Americans

Best/Worst Hair Weave or Wig


Best – Beyonce Knowles
If you’ve ever seen Ms. B work her weave then you now she gotz the top of the line, real Indian hair from top of the line, real desperately poor Indian women. No “Yakky” will do for young Ms. Knowles. And besides, Mama and Papa Knowles would beat her within an inch of her life if she walked out the house with a raggedy weave!

Worst – Tyra Banks
How many times must we be subjected to the site of Ms. Banks on the red carpet in her fucked up wig? Is it just us or does she look like that elderly aunt we all have who refuses to give up on that old, dusty, matted wig she’s had since 1942? Yes that’s what we thought…

Best/Worst Dictator

Best – Kim Jong-il
You know you're a good dictator when your people don't understand the concept of television while you sit on the couch with a beer and a bucket of chicken watching "Flava of Love"

Worst – Saddam Hussein
You know you're not really cut out for this dictator stuff when the US catches you in an underground bunker, you go on trial and end up hung while Shiites stick out their tongues

Best Sex Tape We’re Bummed We Never Got A Chance To See

Colin Farrell & Nicole Narain
What a shame! Will we ever get a chance to see what Colin’s really workin’ with? Sigh.

Worst Sex Tape We’re Thrilled We Never Got A Chance To See

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline
Wasn’t “Chaotic” enough to make us vomit our spleens? Eeeeew! as well as Ick!

Worst H.A.Ms. (Hot Ass Messes) of 2006

Nicolas Cage
Lil’ Kim
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
Clay Aiken
Serena Williams
David Caruso
Kate Bosworth
Keanu Reeves
Janice Combs
Sylvester Stallone
Mariah Carey
Rachel Zoe
Brandon Davis
Remy Ma
Donald Trump
Ice-T and wife CoCo
Fergi
Evan Ross (Diana's son)
DMX
Naima from ANTM
Wendy Williams
Golden Brooks
Flav and every woman on the Flava Of Love

Rugby

With all of 2006's rugby posts you knew we’d have to go there so don’t front Dear Readers!

Best/Worst Looking Rugby Players

Best Looking
Ben Cohen (Scotland)
Doug Howlett (NZ)
Frédéric Michalak (France)
Joe Rokocoko (NZ)
Jonny Wilkinson (England)
Lome Fa’atau (NZ)
Ma'a Nonu (NZ)
Malili “Mils” Muliaina (NZ)
Mirco Bergamasco (Italy)
Mose Tuiali’I (NZ)
Neemia Tialata (NZ)
Richard Kahui (NZ)
Sean Fergus Lamont (Scotland)
Shannon Paku (NZ)
Sione Lauaki (NZ)
Sosene Anesi (NZ)
Tamati Ellison (NZ)
Tana Umaga (NZ)
Yannick Nyanga (France)

Jerry Collins (NZ) – Ms. GD and GM were split on Mr. Collins (Miss Sakamoto abstained). Ms. GD thought his magnificent body; outstanding height and winning personality outweighed his homely visage. GM is more of a purest and thought he should be relegated to the Worst Looking category, regardless of his near perfect physique. So we decided we’d leave it up to you, our Dear Readers, to decide where JC should go. Is he the Hotness or the Notness? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Worst Looking
The entire Welsh national team (Save for one Mike Phillips ). Seriously people, view the rest of them at your peril! You know The Sushi Girls wouldn’t lie to you baby!

Chris Masoe (NZ) – Bad skin and just all around unattractive ya’ll!

Dan Carter (NZ) – Crazy hair, average looks, irritating voice and too trendy for his own damn good.

Fabien Pelous (France) – He looks like something from The Island of Doctor Moreau, a cross between Frankenstein’s monster and a boxer puppy

John Afoa (NZ) – Cro-Magnon man lives !

Keven Mealamu (NZ) – He looks like he’s been hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels…repeatedly and without mercy.

Leon MacDonald (NZ) – Nosferatu Lives !

Mat Rogers (Australia) – Was the man attacked by a gang of marauding kangaroos?

Runners Up – The entire Irish national team

Most Overrated/Underrated Rugby Players

Overrated – Dan Carter
We know what you’re thinking, he’s a rugby player therefore he must have a good body and that should count for something right? And how can we hate on a player that kicks for damn near 100% in every game? We feel you rugby lovers but simply having a “good” body isn’t enough to satisfy our rugby lust. We want our ruggers to be sick wit it baby! And as for his kicking ability, well it’s easy to make every kick when you’re a perfectly calibrated robot! Yes we said it! DAN CARTER IS A ROBOT! Now you know the truth!

Underrated – Lome Fa’atau
This is what happens when you have principles and the strength of your convictions – no one knows who the fuck you are and people who are younger and not nearly as hot or talented as you win awards for their boring, undeserving (And some would say robotic…*cough*Dan Carter*cough*) work during Super 14. Doesn’t being the top try scorer mean anything?!? If he’d forsaken his Manu Samoa and Pacific Islander brethren and sold his soul to the All Blacks organization he’d be a world sensation by now. But alas he’s on the wrong side of thirty, as the rugby pundits like to screech, and no one gives a damn. Sad isn’t it?

Best Rugby Player Names

Malili Muliaina (NZ)
Neemia Tialata (NZ)
Casey Laulala (NZ)
Lolo Lui (Italy)

Rugby Hairdos

Best
Daniel Leo
Lome Fa’atau
Ma’a Nonu
Neemia Tialata
Tana Umaga

Worst
Dan Carter
Jason Eaton
Jerry Collins
Luke McAlister
Mils Muliaina
Sione Lauaki

Shawtest Rugby Shawt Shawts

Jimmy Gopperth (NZ) - Mr. Gopperth will miss a damn kick but Oh Lawd! how we love looking at those long, perfectly toned legs! Land sakes alive!

Runner Up – Shannon Paku

Worst Rugby H.A.Ms.

Dan Carter
Mils Muliaina
Stephen So'oialo

Best Rugby Fights

Crusaders vs Hurricanes: Neemia Tialata choking the ever lovin’ hell out of Richie McCaw and Tialata frontin’ like he couldn’t remember that shizz later!

Super 14 2006 Final: Ma’a Nonu and Richie McCaw choking hell out of each other in the fog!

[What is it about Richie McCaw that makes Hamos want to choke the hell out of him? We say he better watch his back!]

Runners Up
Bulls vs Hurricanes: Tialata takes on two players...simultaneously!
Waratahs vs Hurricanes (Super 14 Semi-Final): Peter Hewat gets in Ma’a Nonu’s face. Nonu begins to choke hell out of Hewat. Piri Weepu rockets out of nowhere, grabbing Hewat around the head and putting him in a head lock!

Another day…another post about my obsession with NZ Rugby…

So where to begin Dear Readers? Twas not so long ago that the apple of Ms. GD’s eye was (the still very awesome) Wentworth Miller but now with DSL and rugby games on demand, Ms. GD has broadened her Hot Ass Man horizons to include Pacific Islanders, Maori and the occasional New Zealander of European decent.

Good googly-goo but these men are the hotness ya’ll! But, I hear you chirp, just how hot are they Ms. GD? Well my Dear Inquisitive Readers, they are so very hot that four of them are currently on the top ranked national team (the All Blacks) in the world, seven of them are on the second ranked (but #1 in our hearts) team in New Zealand, three of them are on the top ranked team in NZ and they all reign supreme…all alone…at the top of the world rugby ladder and they manage to do it while being, as Mama Diva said when she say them, “Gooooooood lookin’!”

So how does one rate or even manage all this hotness? And more to the point, how does one Ms. GD express that measurement in a way her Dear Readers will comprehend? There are only three ways I can think of…organizational charts and pictures with comparisons to figures from classical Greek mythos! What? You got another way?



Canterbury Crusaders/Canterbury:
Mose Tuiali’i/Morpheus – God of Dreams
Just one look at Mose and you can see why he would embody the spirit of the god of dreams – he’s soooooo dreamy! Aaaaaargh! I swear, when I first say this photo I almost fell out of my chair! With that steely gaze and that shimmering, wet body…OH LAWD! And add to that the fact that he’s a God fearing, church going man and that just makes him all the more superb. Is that even possible? But, Ladies and Gentlemen, before you purchase those airline tickets you should know that he’s married. I know…sad huh?

Auckland Blues/Auckland:
Doug Howlett /Poseidon – God of the sea, horses and earthquakes
Well I certainly felt the earth move the first time I saw Dougie! Not to mention a fair bit of moisture down south! Wait…I guess we shouldn’t mention that? And even though I’m afraid of horses (Ms. GD thinks anything that isn’t a dog or a cat is a wild animal) I’d certainly set astride one if Mr. Hot-lett were giving me a boost! Oooooooo…his hands on my ass…*cough*…sorry. Doug’s beautiful brown/hazel eyes, ebony locks, and square jawed loveliness have been a regular feature in my fantasies and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. What I wouldn’t give to be submerged in a warm, blue green sea with him. Sigh!

Waikato Chiefs/Waikato:
Sione Lauaki/Atlas – Condemned by Zeus to stand at the western edge of the earth and shoulder the weight of the heavens
Technically Atlas isn’t a god but a Titan. However, comparing Mr. Lauaki to the doomed Titan is strangely fitting. His formidable appearance and great strength on the pitch is legendary. Unfortunately, Dear Sione hasn’t yet mastered the skill of keeping his aggression on the field. In short, he’s got an anger management problem and is quick with the fisticuffs! I ain’t mad at him though. I just think he’s misunderstood and maybe a little lonely. I’d love to cuddle him to my ample bosom, rock him back and forth and tell him it’s gonna be alright. And while I’m rocking him I’ll run my fingers (and toes) through that gorgeous mop of fat, silky curls and place a juicy kiss on those lips and…oh well you get the picture. Right?

Richard Kahui/Ares – God of savage war, or bloodlust
So young…so innocent…my Aunt Fanny! Young Mr. Kahui may look like he just got his braces off and his first big boy haircut but this man is a true warrior on the pitch! He showed his ass on the field this year (Only figuratively speaking of course…DAMNIT!) and had all the sports pundits salivating all over themselves and shorting out their computers! I was salivating too but not because he was the top scorer in the Air New Zealand Cup. No Ms. GD was drooling like a hungry cheetah because this youngin’ is FINE! Richard gotz a nice little ass on him fo reals yo!

Mils Muliaina/Apollo – God of medicine and healing, light, truth, archery and also a bringer of death-dealing plague
Well I know I felt the healing powers of Malili the first time I saw him! Praise be ya’ll! Let’s just get right to the point Dear Readers, I love this man’s body! Yes he’s a bit on the lean side but my goodness is he not perfectly defined and toned without an ounce of extra fat on him! And those legs! Ow! His voice is wonderful too. It’s not too booming but not too high either and when I hear it I just want to curl up in his lap like a cat! Unfortunately he’s hopelessly devoted to his girlfriend of many years which means I’ll never…ever get a chance to get anywhere near his lap!

Wellington Lions/Hurricanes:
Tana Umaga/Zeus – King of the gods, ruler of Mount Olympus, and god of the sky and thunder
Oh Tana, if only I’d been born in New Zealand you’d be married to me and not…well, the woman you are currently married to! What can I say about one of the greatest players of modern rugby that hasn’t already been said? Oh yeah – He’s The Hotness Ya’ll! He’s not what some would call traditionally handsome but there’s just something about Mr. Umaga, a sort of animal magnetism if you will. It’s that sort of raw, aggressive, sexual power that makes you want to scream and cry and hyperventilate before passing out on the floor! Okay well maybe I’m the only one that feels this way but that doesn’t negate his royal hotness!

Ma’a Nonu/Eros – God of lust, love, and sex and also worshipped as a fertility deity
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Good Lord but he is beautiful! It just makes no sense for someone to be that beautiful! It makes no sense for a man to be that beautiful! And if his awesome beauty wasn’t enough he has a body like a brick shit house! Good Lord! Oh that smile! That smile like the molten surface of the sun! Dear Readers I could never meet him. Either I’d act like the village idiot and mumble incoherently whilst drooling all over his shoes or I’d molest him. Yes. It’s as simple as that.

Lome Fa’atau/Dionysus – God of wine; both it’s intoxicating power and its social and beneficial influences, promoter of civilization, a lawgiver, and lover of peace as well as the patron deity of agriculture and the theater
He’s everything a zaftig and cute as a button Texas girl could want – devout Catholic, proud Samoan/New Zealander, tall and fine like a mutha, world class winger (only a Fijian could catch him), top try scorer for the 2006 Super 14, and the most handsome man I have ever seen in my whole...entire...LIFE! I’m talking movie star/model good looks ya’ll! Sigh. Marry me baby. Please? I’ll be a wonderful wife and mother to you and our three beautiful children! I promise baby!!! Damn…did I type that out loud?

Neemia Tialata/Pan – God of shepherds and their flocks, known for his music, capable of arousing inspiration, sexuality, or panic, depending on his intentions
What’s not to like about a man that loves a damn dog like this? And did I mention he plays the guitar? And that he’s fiercely devoted to his family? He also knows his way around a bottle of hair gel (Check out that faux hawk!) And did I mention his perfectly edged up sideburns? Oh yes and as galaxyMafia would be quick to point out, he’s the linchpin of the Wellington/All Blacks scrum? And let us not forget the most important thing of all – those magnificent thighs of Adamantium! Egads and Ooooooowwww baby! You can “wrastle” with me anytime Mr. Tialata!

Shannon Paku/Hermes – God of boundaries and of the travelers who cross them, of shepherds and cowherds, of orators and wit, of literature and poets, of athletics, of weights and measures and invention and commerce in general, and of the cunning of thieves and liars
Mr. Paku needs to work on those errant cowlicks and stop parting his hair straight down the middle like Alfalfa but we’ll forgive him these minor flaws because, 1. He’s married now and that shit is his new wife’s problem and 2. All we care about are those long, luscious, luxurious legs of his and the way he likes to tease us by wearing those shawt rugby shawts. Good Lawd!


Tamati Ellison/Zephyrus – The west wind and bringer of light spring and early summer breezes
He’s much too young but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t enjoy turning him out! I don’t think he’s completely inexperienced (They start early in New Zealand plus he’s a professional athlete!) but I doubt he’s had the full benefit of many kindly, mature women in his life…if ya know what I’m saying Dear Readers. But then again, he might be able to show me a thing or three in which case I better take my vitamins and remember to stretch before we get started. What the young ones lack in control they more than make up for in stamina. Tally-Ho!

Jerry Collins/Hades – God of the Dead
Jerry Collins. Jerry Collins. Oooooo weeeee Jerry Collins! Everything I have to say about him has already been said here . Mmmmm…mmmm…Jerry Collins!




Hot Ass 2006 Super 14 Advert featuring Ma’a Nonu, Sione Lauaki and many sexy others!


This is my last official rugby post of the year so I hope you enjoyed it Dear Readers. I’m taking a short break from all this rugby foolishness until Super 14 starts in February. Now this doesn’t mean that if something (or someone) juicy pops up that I won’t blog about it. It just means I’m going to try and focus on something else besides Hot Ass Rugby Players. Pray for a sister ya’ll. – GD


Most pics found here

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ALL BLACKS: THE MUSICAL


ACT THREE
Scene One

Exterior. Prime Minister’s mansion. SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI is growling like a rabid dog, cursing the police, threatening bodily harm. Still watching in the shadows, GALAXY MAFIA is trying to decide whether or not she should intervene.

Finally, GLAXAY MAFIA steps in and tells the police that SIONE LAUAKI is with her, and the police allow the pair to leave.

An hour later, GALAXY MAFIA takes SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI up to her hotel suite.

GALAXY MAFIA
Nigga, what’s your damn problem? Why are you fighting the cops? You better be glad you don’t live in Texas. Them state troops would cut yo’ head off!! Is that what you want? To have your head thrown in a ditch somewhere?

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
No. . .that’s not what I want. . .

GALAXY MAFIA
Then what is it you want?

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
“I Need Love” by LL Cool J

When I’m alone in my room
Sometimes I stare at the wall
And in the back of my mind
I hear my conscious call
Telling me I need a girl
Who’s sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life
I see I need love

GALAXY MAFIA
[Bitch slaps SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI across the face]

Suck it up!!!! Life is pain!!! Deal with it!!!

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
[Sniffs. . .starts to cry]

GALAXY MAFIA
[sighs, goes over and puts her arms around him]

There, there. . .it’s okay. . .it’s gonna be alright.

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
[crying]

No, it’s not!! Nobody likes me!! Everybody hates me!! They don’t want me to be on the All Blacks no more!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
Fuck the All Blacks! You weren’t making any money with them anyway. You need to switch to the NFL. You could be one of those Forty Million Dollar Slaves! You’d have a stretch Hummer and a Bentley and a giant mansion and lots of bling, bling and you know how you like shiny objects, right?

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
[Nods his head vigorously]
Shiny objects really pretty!!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
It’s gonna be okay. . .

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
[Lays his head in GALAXY MAFIA’s lap and sucks his thumb]

ACT THREE
Scene Two

The party is over and GLAMOUR DIVA is in her hotel suite, pacing the floor, wondering if she should really get involved with MA’A NONU. Moments later, a knock on her suite door announces MA’A NONU’S arrival. Still undecided, GLAMOUR DIVA nonetheless answers the door.

MA’A
[Looking, as usual, devastatingly pretty]
What’s up boo? You ready to do this?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Trying not to be hypnotized by his dimpled smile]
Listen. . .I’ve been thinking and I’m not sure this is the best idea.

MA’A
Why you frontin’, shorty?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Excuse me. . .?

MA’A
I know you wanna sit on this pretty face.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Uh. . .well, see. . .um. . .

MA’A
Look atcha stutterin’. I know you want all 13-and-a-half inches of this Samoan tube steak!!

GLAMOUR DIVA
I really think you need to leave before. . .wait, did you say, thirteen and a half. . .?

MA’A
Let me tell you what I wanna do to you. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
That won’t be necessary because it’s not going to happen. . .this is a mistake I’m going to avoid.

MA’A
“Candy Licker” by Marvin Sease

I wanna lick you,
girl I wanna make you feel good,
like your lover should.
I wanna lick you till you cum.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Oh you think you can make me cum?

MA’A
Baby, I’ma make you forget yo name, yo birthday, where you live. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
Well, nigga after you get through I better have amnesia! I hope you know what you're doing because. . .

“My Love Is Like. . .Wo” by Mya

My love is like. . .wo
My kiss is like. . .wo
My touch is like. . .wo
My sex is like. . .wo
My ass is like. . .wo
My pu$$y's like. . .wo!

ACT THREE
Scene Three

THE GREEK CHORUS OF ONE: MISS SAKAMOTO
“Ecstasy When You Lay Down Next To Me” by Barry White

I wanna hold you and make you mine
Don't want to control you just to have a good time
Livin' in ecstasy, well, when you're layin' down next to me
Ooh! Ooh! Wee!
Ecstasy, when you're layin' here with me, uh-huh
In this ecstasy when you are here with me, yeah
Oh, it's ecstasy, Lord knows when you're next to me, yeah

ACT THREE
Scene Four

At the All Blacks training facility, the ABs are practicing their new haka. TANA UMAGA, former All Black captain has been called in to lead as current captain RITCHIE MC CAW is having problems leading the boys due to a cerebral hematoma.

TANA UMAGA
[Face twisted in a primeval grimace, viciously scratching and tearing at his chest, screaming at the top of his lungs]

I AM TANA UMAGA, BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Grunting]

UGHNNNUUUHGHNNNN!!!!!!!

TANA

YOU HOUSE NIGGAS, SUCK MY DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Grunting]

UGHNNNUUUHGHNNNN!!!!!!!

TANA

FIELD NIGGAS, WE RUN THA SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Grunting]
UGHNNNUUUHGHNNNN!!!!!!!

TANA

HOUSE NIGGAS YOU GOT TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Grunting]
UGHNNNUUUHGHNNNN!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Throat slitting motion, then crotch grab]

Thirty minutes later, the ABs are in the locker room, hanging out, giving each other long, intimate, full body hugs, stroking each others’ faces and holding hands, where applicable.

MALILI “MILS” MULIAINA
[to MA'A]
So, nigga. . .how’d it go with Glamour Diva?

MA’ A
I broke that bitch off something kind of proper like!!! You see my back, nigga!

JERRY COLLINS
[Looking at the scratches on MA'A’s back]
DAMN!! Nigga, what you do to that bitch?

MOSE TUIALI'I
[Disgusted]
You boys should watch your language! Glamour Diva is not a. . .uh. . .female dog. . .

MA’A
Nigga, ain’t you gotta go pray for somebody?

JERRY COLLINS
[to MOSE]
Aw, nigga, you just mad cause yo’ wife won’t lick yo’ balls!!

MOSE
[Affronted]
I beg your pardon! My sex life is none of your business!

RICO GEAR
[Sarcasticly, to MA'A]
You gone be able to play tonight?

MA’A
Nigga, you ain’t even supposed to be an All Black, I know yo’ punk ass ain’t tryin’ to ask me if I’m gone be able to play. Is yo’ Maori ass gone be able to play?

TANA
[pulls MA'A to the side]
Calm down, Lil T. . .I told you they got a Maori quota. They gotta have at least one of them whale riding niggas on the team.

MILS
[pulls JERRY COLLINS to the side]
Ya know, Ma’a, that’s my nigga but. . .he ain’t right for Glamour Diva. He’s too brash and immature . . .he can’t appreciate a woman like her. . .

JERRY COLLINS
I’d know how to appreciate her! I’d have that bitch jugglin’ dez nuts!!!

MILS
You’re worse than Nonu

JERRY COLLINS
[Laughs salaciously]
Aw, nigga. You know you wanna put a cowbell around her neck and fuck that bitch till she start mooing!!

MILS
[Walking away]
I ain’t got time for you, nigga. I gotta go check the S & P 500. [to the ALL BLACKS in the locker room] Which one of you niggas stole my Wall Street Journal??!!

[JERRY COLLINS lets forth a loud, rampant fart]

PIRI WEEPU
[Smells the sulfuric gas]
What the fuck is that smell?

NEEMIA TIALATA
[to JERRY COLLINS]
Nigga, don’t be fartin’ unless we in the scrum!!

JERRY COLLINS
Nigga, shut yo’ guitar-strummin’ ass up fo’ I chew dat other calf off!!

NEEMIA
Nigga, I know you ain’t talkin’ to me with all that dead grass on yo’ head!

JERRY COLLINS
Nigga, it’s Miss Claroil 122! And yo’ bitch ass can’t talk! Nigga use a whole year’s supply of hair gel in a day!

NEEMIA
Nigga, yo’ head look like a African veldt, look like elephants and tigers roamin’ on yo’ head.

JERRY COLLINS
Nigga, you look like a chicken ‘bout the head! Cluck, cluck, nigga! Cluck, cluck!!

NEEMIA
Nigga, it’s a faux-hawk!!

JERRY COLLINS
[Lets forth an even louder, more rampant fart]
Take dat, nigga!!

NEEMIA
Nigga, I said don’t fart less we in the scrum! Don’t make me twist yo’ head off with my thighs!!!!!

MEANWHILE. . .BACK AT THE PRIME MINISTER'S. . .

At the Prime Minister’s office, GLAMOUR DIVA is discussing the possible immigration of African-Americans to New Zealand. After her wild night with MA’A NONU, she is finding it difficult to concentrate, and she is having a problem remembering things. . .

PRIME MINSTER
Here’s the deal. In exchange for their fried chicken recipes, and watermelon eating techniques, the country of New Zealand is prepared to offer African-Americans the following: 1) Complete DVD collections of “Good Times” and “Sanford and Son”, or “What’s Happening?” and “That’s My Mama”. 2) A lifetime supply of Schlitz Malt Liquor, 3) Rick James’ greatest hits, plus 4) every black person will have a parade thrown in his or her honor featuring the Omega Psi Phi fraternity and the Gap Band!!!

GLAMOUR DIVA
Mister Prime Minister, with all due respect. . .

PRIME MINISTER
Yes. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
Where the hell am I. . .?

PRIME MINISTER
Listen, I was wondering. . .can you teach me how to do the Snake?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Who the hell am I. . .?

PRIME MINISTER
What about the Brass Monkey. . .?

GLAMOUR DIVA
How did I get here?

PRIME MINISTER
The Smurf. . .? The MC Hammer. . .? The Pee Wee Herman. . .?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Thoroughly discombobulated]
Uh. . .I gotta go. . .

PRIME MINISTER
Wait! Before you leave, can you show me how to put a hump in my back and lift my rump? Please!!!

Fifteen minutes later, in the back of her chauffeured car, GLAMOUR DIVA receives a phone call from MISS SAKAMOTO

GLAMOUR DIVA
Hello. . .?

MISS SAKAMOTO
Mils Muliaina wants to take you to dinner.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Huh. . .? What. . .?

MISS SAKAMOTO
Mills Muliaina wants –

GLAMOUR DIVA
Fine. . .whatever. . .

MISS SAKAMOTO
And Wentworth left you a message.

GLAMOUR DIVA
[hangs up with MISS SAKAMOTO and checks her voice messages]

WENTWORTH MILLER
[Via voicemail]

“Can’t We Try?” by Teddy Pendergrass

Can’t we try
Love was never born to say
Goodbye
Touch me one more time
And make me feel that I’m alive
And if we don’t survive
Then we will end like we began
And even though it’s over
CAN’T WE TRY!!!!
I WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME!!!!
TOUCH ME ONE MORE TIME!!!
AND MAKE ME FEEL THAT I’M ALIVE!!!!!!
AND IF –

GLAMOUR DIVA
[rolls eyes, disconnects phone]

Later, around 10 p.m., that night, GLAMOUR DIVA, with her memory regained, is having dinner with MILS MULIAINA

MILS
So. . .what’s up with you and Nonu?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[coy as she sips champagne]
A lady never tells. . .

MILS
Well. . .according to Nonu, you ain’t no lady

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Aghast]
Excuse me. . .?

MILS
Nonu says he straight raw dicked you. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Livid]
WHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT??????????

MILS
He was bragging about it at practice today. He was telling us how y’all went through every one of the Nerve.com positions of the day. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
He said WHHHAAAATTTTT???????

MILS
Three times. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
I don’t believe THIS!!!!

MILS
And according to him, you swallow. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Incensed]
That little pu$$y-eatin’ Samoan muthafugga!!!!

MILS
I could have told you not to get involved with him. He’s immature and he knows he’s the shit so he doesn’t respect women. He even told me that I could have you when he was finished with you.

GLAMOUR DIVA
I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him. . .[stands up]

MILS
Where are you going?

GLAMOUR DIVA
I need to be alone right now. . .I’m sorry. . I just have to go. . .

MILS
[Crestfallen as he watches GLAMOUR DIVA walk away]

“I Want You” by Marvin Gaye

I want you the right way
I want you
But I want you to want me too
Want you to want me, baby
Just like I want you
I give you all the love
I want in return sweet darlin'
But half a love is all I feel
It's too bad, It's just too sad
You don't want me now
But I'm gonna change your mind
Someway, somehow, oh baby
This one way love is just a fantasy, oh sugar
To share is precious, pure and fair
Don't play with something you should cherish for life, oh baby
Don't you wanna care
Ain’t it lonely out there


ACT THREE
Scene Five

The next morning, GALAXY MAFIA is having breakfast with GLAMOUR DIVA

GALAXY MAFIA
So. . .how’d it go with Nonu?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Don’t ask. . .

GALAXY MAFIA
That good?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Even better. . .except. . .

GALAXY MAFIA
Except what?

GLAMOUR DIVA
That little sack of Samoan shit told all the All Blacks that he turned me the fuck out!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
Did he turn you the fuck out?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Well. . .yeah. . .several times. . .but, that is not the point. Did you hear what I said? He told the entire All Black team that he screwed me 226 ways to Sunday!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
[Impressed]
226? Really?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Give or take two or three ways. . .but still. . .I can’t believe that dumb fuck would do that. We could have been such good fuck buddies but he had to go and fuck it up! Shit!!

GALAXY MAFIA
[Wistful]
226. . .wow! Maybe Nonu should hip Wax to the jive, yo?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Wax? You mean the island nigga who can’t hold his grog?

GALAXY MAFIA
Yeah. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
You had sex with him?

GALAXY MAFIA
NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Just a little heavy petting, a few kisses, some cunnilingus. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
Fellatio. . .?

GALAXY MAFIA
[Agog]
Surely you jest!!! Do I look like I swallow swords?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Upset]
I just can’t believe my trip to New Zealand is turning out this way. First that idiot Prime Minister and now this slut puppy Nonu tellin’ all my business. . .I knew I should have just gone to the museums and called it a damn day.

GALAXY MAFIA
Yeah. . .so I guess you’re not seeing Nonu again. . .?

GLAMOUR DIVA
After what he did, hell no! What about you? Are you going to see Wax again?

GALAXY MAFIA
If I don’t he’ll just pout and cry until I start feeling sorry for him and give in.

GLAMOUR DIVA
You like him?

GALAXY MAFIA
Yeah but. . .something is missing. Can’t put my finger on it. . .I guess I wish he played the guitar. . .and painted. . .and wanted to be a teacher. . .and played tighthead prop. . .and was the linchpin of the Wellington scrum. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
That sounds like –

[GLAMOUR DIVA’S Blackberry interrupts her]

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Answers phone]
Hello. . .

VOICE ON PHONE
Is this the beautiful, hella fine Glamour Diva?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Who is this. . .?

VOICE ON PHONE
This Jerry Collins, baby. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Looks at GALAXY MAFIA, rolling her eyes]
What do you want Jerry Collins. . .?

JERRY COLLINS
“Pony” by Ginuwine

I'm just a bachelor
I'm looking for a partner
Someone who knows how to ride
Without even falling off
Gotta be compatible
Takes me to my limits
Girl when I break you off
I promise that you won't want to get off
If you’re horny,
Let's do it
Ride it, My Pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it

GLAMOUR DIVA
Um. . .don’t think so. . .
[Hangs up phone]

GALAXY MAFIA
Who was that?

GLAMOUR DIVA
That big, dirty nigga Jerry Collins. Tryin’ to booty call me at ten in the morning!!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
So. . .what are you gonna do?

copyright 2006. . .galaxyMafia. . .would like to wish the All Blacks good luck on their upcoming test in England. . .and a special mwah!!! to scrum-daddy Neemia Tialata. . .don't go getting no six pack baby 'cause a little fat makes the chicken juicy and good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACT TWO
Scene One
Auckland, New Zealand. After a long, 24-hour flight (during which Glamour Diva was heavily sedated) to the bottom of the world, Glamour Diva and Galaxy Mafia arrive in Kiwi Land.

GLAMOUR DIVA/GALAXY MAFIA
[Stepping off the plane, strutting fiercely across the tarmac towards a black Rolls Royce, sent by the Prime Minister of NZ to fetch them]

“Bootylicious” by Destiny’s Child

Wellington – can you handle this?
Waikato – Can you handle this?
Cantebury – Can you handle this?
We don’t think they can handle this!!
Wooooooooooo!!!


ACT TWO
Scene Two

After spending the day brainstorming ideas on how to recruit African-Americans to NZ, GD returns to hotel suite to get ready for the party, which is being thrown for she and GM by the Prime Minister.

GALAXY MAFIA
So, did you and the PM come up with anything?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[rolls her eyes]
He wants to open chicken and waffle houses, and watermelon stands.

GALAXY MAFIA
Well. . .black folk like chickens. And watermelon.

GLAMOUR DIVA
We also like opera, the symphony and museums

GALAXY MAFIA
Did you suggest those things?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Yeah but, he wasn’t too keen on the opera idea. He wants Tyler Perry to come and create a Maori gospel stage play starring Hosea Gear and Keisha Castle-Hughes .

GALAXY MAFIA
[Aghast and agog]
Maori gospel stage play?

GLAMOUR DIVA
“Mama, I want to do the Haka!”. Keisha plays a young Maori girl who wants to play for the All Blacks.

GALAXY MAFIA
Speaking of the All Blacks. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
[sighs]
Do we have to?

GALAXY MAFIA
You know the PM invited them to the party, right?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Don’t remind me.

GALAXY MAFIA
What’s wrong with you? Ain’t that why we traveled to the bottom of the world? So you could have some of that tasty Nonu?

GLAMOUR DIVA
He’s too young. . .

GALAXY MAFIA
That means he’s tender and juicy

GLAMOUR DIVA
I don’t know. . .what if he’s just a bunch of hype? I mean, I know he’s got the stamina...

GALAXY MAFIA
And he could definitely hold you up if y’all had sex in the ocean...

GLAMOUR DIVA
He might not have any skills.

GALAXY MAFIA
Guess you’ll just have to see...

GALAXY MAFIA goes into the bathroom, leaving GLAMOUR DIVA alone to ponder the question of whether or not she should ride the Nonu Express.

ACT TWO
Scene Three

THE GREEK CHORUS OF ONE: MISS SAKAMOTO
“Stupid Girls” by P!nk

Where oh where, have the smart girls gone?
Where oh where could they be?
They don’t need to be no stupid girls!

ACT TWO
Scene Four

Gala celebration at the Prime Minister’s mansion honoring GLAMOUR DIVA. All of posh and socially well-connected New Zealand is on hand at the black tie event. The entire All Black team is present as well, so fresh and so clean in their All Black tailor made suits. GLAMOUR DIVA wears Dior while GALAXY MAFIA rocks vintage Chanel. Both women have chosen super-hot shoe designer Christian Louboutin for their ruthlessly pedicured feet.

As GLAMOUR DIVA makes the rounds on the arm of the PM, being introduced to the haute monde and jet set, she notices that MA’A NONU seems to be watching every move she makes, caressing her with those smoldering dark eyes, giving her a hint of exciting things to come. Naturally, GLAMOUR DIVA does her best to ignore him however she finds herself a-flutter and a-twitter.

NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER
Is everything okay?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Uh, yes. . .yes. . .everything is fine

NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER
I have a special treat on the menu I’m sure you’ll love!

GLAMOUR DIVA
Cherries Jubilee. . .?

NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER
Pig’s feet!

GLAMOUR DIVA
Aww. . .you shouldn’t have. . .

While drinking champagne alone at the bar, GALAXY MAFIA overhears two All Black players talking.

ALL BLACK #1
Did you hear what happened to Wax?

ALL BLACK #2
No, what happened to him?

ALL BLACK #1
Well, this event is for current All Blacks, and he ain’t on the team no more. But he tried to get in anyway.

ALL BLACK #2
Dumb islander. Can’t handle his grog.

ALL BLACK #1
Anyway, the security guards hauled him out of here

ALL BLACK #2
Stupid islander. Why’d he try to get in anyway?

ALL BLACK #1
[laughs]
He thought he could meet Galaxy Mafia!!

Flabbergasted, GALAXY MAFIA sputters, coughs and spits a mouthful of champagne all over the bar, much to the disgust and frustration of the bartender.

An hour or so later, dinner is over and a DJ, dispatched from Compton, California, is spinning records while everyone cuts a fine rug.

Standing on the edge of the dance floor, MA’A NONU stands with friends and fellow All Blacks, MILS MULIAINA, SHANNON PAKU, MOSE TUIALI’I, PIRI WEEPU, JERRY COLLINS AND RICO GEAR. TANA UMAGA, while not an All Black, is there as well, in his capacity as sports dignitary . MA’A and his crew are watching GLAMOUR DIVA as she dances with the PRIME MINISTER.

MILS MULIAINA
Glamour Diva, she’s one hell of a –

MA’A NONU
Back off, nigga. That ass is mine. You can have her when I’m finished.

MOSE TUIALI’I
[disgusted, to MA’A]
Glamour Diva is not the kind of woman you pass from man to man

MA’A NONU
[to MOSE]
Nigga, ain’t you suppose to be at a prayer meeting tonight?

TANA UMAGA
Lil T, I think Moss is right. You need to watch your step around Glamour Diva

PIRI WEEPU
You can’t treat Glamour Diva like one of your regular hos.

SHANNON PAKU
You gotta treat her like a lady. . .

“Treat her like a lady” by The Temptations

Light her cigarette when she smokes
Even help her with her coat
Treat her like a lady

MA’A NONU
Y’all niggaz want to brown nose bitches. But, I’ll tell her like this: Bitch, you without me is like the All Blacks without Jonah Lomu. . .you’ll never win the World Cup.

MOSE TUIALI’I
You really should watch your language. Glamour Diva is a fine, young woman and she does not deserve to be maligned by –

MA’A NONU
[to MOSE]
Nigga, ain’t you got to go home and read the Bible?

SHANNON PAKU
Listen, I agree. . .Glamour Diva deserves more than your blatant objectification.

MA'A NONU
Nigga, spell objectification. Define it. Use it in a sentence. . .

TANA UMAGA
Slow yo roll, Lil T. . .he just used it in a sentence.

SHANNON PAKU
[stuttering]
Uh. . .O. . .B. . .G. . .?

MA'A NONU
Nigga, get yo Temptations listenin’ ass away from me. I don’t care what none of yall niggas say. Lil T gone tap that azz.

Out on the dance floor, GLAMOUR DIVA is looking for somebody, anybody to get her away from the PRIME MINISTER.

PRIME MINISTER
“Pfunk” by George Clinton

Make my funk the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut (make mine the P)
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up. (wants to get funked up)
I want the bomb, I want the P.Funk (yeah)
I want my funk uncut. (make mine the P)
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Uh. . .I’ll be right back, I need to go to the ladies room

While the PRIME MINISTER leads the guests in a round of the “Harlem Shuffle”, GLAMOUR DIVA hurries over to the bar for a moment alone. After asking for a Amaretto Sour, the bartender brings her drink along with a Blackberry phone.

GLAMOUR DIVA
[looks at the phone, confused]
What’s this for?

BARTENDER
You have a call.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Hello. . .?

VOICE ON THE PHONE
Turn around

GLAMOUR DIVA
Who is this?
[reluctantly, she turns]

MA’A NONU is across the room, holding a companion phone to his ear, staring at her.

GLAMOUR DIVA
What do you want, Mr. Nonu?

MA’A MONU
“I wanna sex you up” by Color Me Badd

Hey, beautiful lady, I need you tonight
Lovely, lovely lady
I wanna make you feel all right, yeah
I cant deny, baby
I wanna love you down
You are so fine, baby
All I wanna do is(I wanna sex you up)
I want to sex you up
All night (girl you make me feel good)
I wanna sex you up.

GLAMOUR DIVA
[rolls her eyes, hangs up the phone]

Outside the mansion, SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI is facing off against a half dozen security officers.

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
“Never Scared” by Bone Crusher

So I'm outside of da house and you think I'm a puuuuuuuunk
So I go to my loaded tech 9 that's off in the truuuuuuuunk
I told yall muthafuckas
I ain't never scared (Wellington!)
I ain't never scared (Cantebury!)
I ain't never scared (Bay of Plenty!)
I ain't never scared (Auckland!)
I ain't never scared (Manawatu!)
I ain't never scared (Southland!)
I ain't never scared (Taranaki!)

Let a choppa go PLOOOOOOWWW! to yo melon
Now the plasma is oozin outta yo cerebellum
AttenSHUNNNNN! Fuck nigga, now you swellin
You ain't talkin hardcore, now is ya? Lil' bitch!
Got'em runnin scared of a... BIGGA NIGGA!
Cuz I put the heat to his ummm... HILFIGER!
Now on dat drank and on some of dat dank
Pistols gettin bursted now I need somethin to drank!!!!!!!!!!

SECURITY GUARD #1
[terrified, picks up walkie-talkie]
Uh. . .chief. . .we’re gonna need some serious back up. . .

Standing in the shadows, after having watched the entire scene, GALAXY MAFIA shakes her head, feeling sorry for the huge, misunderstood islander.


ACT TWO
Scene Five

Minutes after hanging up on MA’A NONU, GLAMOUR DIVA regrets her hasty action. She ponders her situation, thinking about all the foolishness WENTWORTH MILLER put her through, cheating on her with GABRIELLE UNION. Why, she wonders, shouldn’t she have some of that juicy, tender NONU as GALAXY MAFIA suggested? GLAMOUR DIVA picks up the Blackberry and dials the number NONU called her from.

Seconds later, NONU answers the phone.

MA’A NONU
Yeah. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
“Say Somethin’” by Mariah Carey featuring Snoop Dogg

I'm over here
Looking at you
You're over there
Watching me, too
Both painting pictures of
Of how we'll kiss and f***!
So what we gon' do?
(So what ya gon' do? What ya gon' do?)

Tell me why we're standing here
The moment's fresh and so sincere
You've got my mind blown
And baby, I'm ready to go

But uh
If it's worth your while
Say something, say something
If it's worth your while
Say something good to me
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey
If it's worth your while
Do something good to me

THE GREEK CHORUS OF ONE: MISS SAKAMOTO
“Mr. Wrong” by Sade

He don't care
where he's been playing
he doesn't hear
a word she's saying
she's a fancy girl
so why's she staying
hanging on for
Mr. Wrong

copyright 2006. . .galaxyMafia

Let me preface this entry by saying that GM and I do not usually behave like giggly 10-year-olds when in the presence of or thinking about Hot Ass Men but there’s just something about rugby players, particularly our favorite team, the mighty, mighty All Blacks, that makes us want to write their names along with ours on the cover of our Trapper Keepers (in hot pink, glittery, paint pen of course!), pass them notes in class asking them to check one box if they like us or another one if they don’t, and call them on the phone at home and giggle before we hurriedly hang up on them! Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, they are just that hot to death! But for some strange reason we were feeling very giggly and very 10ish tonight so we penned a letter to the team and this is what we wrote:

Howdy Mils-

My friend, Glamour Diva, thinks you are tasty sex on a platter! She also thinks you look quite delectable in the blue screen suit you wore for the Powerade commercial. If you are ever in Texas, please do not hesitate to give her a ring. It will be worth your while (wink). We are from the great sovereign nation of Texas where football (American football) is king. However, we have become completely and irrevocably enamored with rugby. Particularly, we love the fact that you men do not hide behind helmets and pads the way these punk wusses in the US do. Nonetheless, we hope to one day be graced with the opportunity to view your glorious presence in person. And by the by, please let Sione know that Galaxy Mafia thinks him to be rather handsome and she would love to eat sushi off him. Okay, well, that is all for now. TTYL.

PS - We believe in a black jersey!

PPS - I am so in love with the haka. . .I have a haka fetish. I would love to see Sione do the haka personally for me!

Please check out our blog – http:\\sexandthesushi.blogspot.com

Have a good day and God bless you!!

Would you please be a dear and pass along the following messages to:

Tana Umaga: Glamour Diva thinks you are liquid sex, regardless of your martial state. If you ever find yourself sans wife…

Mose Tuiali'i: We think you are “Sleeping late on a Sunday morning” sex. We also find you to be so sweet, earnest, and God-fearing that we have dubbed you “Sweetness”. Galaxy Mafia finds you so sweet in fact, that she would quit her job for you regardless of your martial state! If you ever find yourself sans wife…

Ma’a Nonu: We think you’re “Back seat of my jeep” sex. Glamour Diva also thinks you got it going on like a pot of neck bones! And she especially digs the soul patch (or as her father’s generation used to call it, a “flavor saver”)! She would love to snuggle up in your big, strong arms and lovingly twirl your dreads around her fingers.



Malili “Mils” Muliaina


Sione Lauaki


Tana Umaga


Mose Tuiali’I (In the red/black jersey)


Ma’a Nonu


And all five hotties together…well almost…

Watch this clip of the All Blacks, past and present, doing what they damn do! Oh, and please ignore the somewhat disturbing and borderline anachronistic DMX soundtrack…


And if you’re reading this Le Michalak , please don’t fret, I’ll never give up on my lust for you! – GD


All All Blacks photos found here

0 Comment

Tana Umaga – Former player/team Captain for the New Zealand All Blacks (1997-2005) and theWellington Hurricanes/Lions (2006-?)

He looks like he's been up all night...for the last five years...but I'd still hit it...hit it hard...with little or no consideration for his personal well being and comfort. Yes Dear Readers, it's just that serious.







Watch my man, and the rest of the team, in action! His jersey number is 13!



I wonder if I can find other homely, yet strangely alluring, men for you to ogle? Stay damned tuned... – GD