ALL BLACKS: THE MUSICAL


ACT THREE
Scene One

Exterior. Prime Minister’s mansion. SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI is growling like a rabid dog, cursing the police, threatening bodily harm. Still watching in the shadows, GALAXY MAFIA is trying to decide whether or not she should intervene.

Finally, GLAXAY MAFIA steps in and tells the police that SIONE LAUAKI is with her, and the police allow the pair to leave.

An hour later, GALAXY MAFIA takes SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI up to her hotel suite.

GALAXY MAFIA
Nigga, what’s your damn problem? Why are you fighting the cops? You better be glad you don’t live in Texas. Them state troops would cut yo’ head off!! Is that what you want? To have your head thrown in a ditch somewhere?

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
No. . .that’s not what I want. . .

GALAXY MAFIA
Then what is it you want?

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
“I Need Love” by LL Cool J

When I’m alone in my room
Sometimes I stare at the wall
And in the back of my mind
I hear my conscious call
Telling me I need a girl
Who’s sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life
I see I need love

GALAXY MAFIA
[Bitch slaps SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI across the face]

Suck it up!!!! Life is pain!!! Deal with it!!!

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
[Sniffs. . .starts to cry]

GALAXY MAFIA
[sighs, goes over and puts her arms around him]

There, there. . .it’s okay. . .it’s gonna be alright.

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
[crying]

No, it’s not!! Nobody likes me!! Everybody hates me!! They don’t want me to be on the All Blacks no more!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
Fuck the All Blacks! You weren’t making any money with them anyway. You need to switch to the NFL. You could be one of those Forty Million Dollar Slaves! You’d have a stretch Hummer and a Bentley and a giant mansion and lots of bling, bling and you know how you like shiny objects, right?

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
[Nods his head vigorously]
Shiny objects really pretty!!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
It’s gonna be okay. . .

SIONE “WAX” LAUAKI
[Lays his head in GALAXY MAFIA’s lap and sucks his thumb]

ACT THREE
Scene Two

The party is over and GLAMOUR DIVA is in her hotel suite, pacing the floor, wondering if she should really get involved with MA’A NONU. Moments later, a knock on her suite door announces MA’A NONU’S arrival. Still undecided, GLAMOUR DIVA nonetheless answers the door.

MA’A
[Looking, as usual, devastatingly pretty]
What’s up boo? You ready to do this?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Trying not to be hypnotized by his dimpled smile]
Listen. . .I’ve been thinking and I’m not sure this is the best idea.

MA’A
Why you frontin’, shorty?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Excuse me. . .?

MA’A
I know you wanna sit on this pretty face.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Uh. . .well, see. . .um. . .

MA’A
Look atcha stutterin’. I know you want all 13-and-a-half inches of this Samoan tube steak!!

GLAMOUR DIVA
I really think you need to leave before. . .wait, did you say, thirteen and a half. . .?

MA’A
Let me tell you what I wanna do to you. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
That won’t be necessary because it’s not going to happen. . .this is a mistake I’m going to avoid.

MA’A
“Candy Licker” by Marvin Sease

I wanna lick you,
girl I wanna make you feel good,
like your lover should.
I wanna lick you till you cum.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Oh you think you can make me cum?

MA’A
Baby, I’ma make you forget yo name, yo birthday, where you live. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
Well, nigga after you get through I better have amnesia! I hope you know what you're doing because. . .

“My Love Is Like. . .Wo” by Mya

My love is like. . .wo
My kiss is like. . .wo
My touch is like. . .wo
My sex is like. . .wo
My ass is like. . .wo
My pu$$y's like. . .wo!

ACT THREE
Scene Three

THE GREEK CHORUS OF ONE: MISS SAKAMOTO
“Ecstasy When You Lay Down Next To Me” by Barry White

I wanna hold you and make you mine
Don't want to control you just to have a good time
Livin' in ecstasy, well, when you're layin' down next to me
Ooh! Ooh! Wee!
Ecstasy, when you're layin' here with me, uh-huh
In this ecstasy when you are here with me, yeah
Oh, it's ecstasy, Lord knows when you're next to me, yeah

ACT THREE
Scene Four

At the All Blacks training facility, the ABs are practicing their new haka. TANA UMAGA, former All Black captain has been called in to lead as current captain RITCHIE MC CAW is having problems leading the boys due to a cerebral hematoma.

TANA UMAGA
[Face twisted in a primeval grimace, viciously scratching and tearing at his chest, screaming at the top of his lungs]

I AM TANA UMAGA, BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Grunting]

UGHNNNUUUHGHNNNN!!!!!!!

TANA

YOU HOUSE NIGGAS, SUCK MY DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Grunting]

UGHNNNUUUHGHNNNN!!!!!!!

TANA

FIELD NIGGAS, WE RUN THA SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Grunting]
UGHNNNUUUHGHNNNN!!!!!!!

TANA

HOUSE NIGGAS YOU GOT TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Grunting]
UGHNNNUUUHGHNNNN!!!!!!!

ALL BLACKS
[Throat slitting motion, then crotch grab]

Thirty minutes later, the ABs are in the locker room, hanging out, giving each other long, intimate, full body hugs, stroking each others’ faces and holding hands, where applicable.

MALILI “MILS” MULIAINA
[to MA'A]
So, nigga. . .how’d it go with Glamour Diva?

MA’ A
I broke that bitch off something kind of proper like!!! You see my back, nigga!

JERRY COLLINS
[Looking at the scratches on MA'A’s back]
DAMN!! Nigga, what you do to that bitch?

MOSE TUIALI'I
[Disgusted]
You boys should watch your language! Glamour Diva is not a. . .uh. . .female dog. . .

MA’A
Nigga, ain’t you gotta go pray for somebody?

JERRY COLLINS
[to MOSE]
Aw, nigga, you just mad cause yo’ wife won’t lick yo’ balls!!

MOSE
[Affronted]
I beg your pardon! My sex life is none of your business!

RICO GEAR
[Sarcasticly, to MA'A]
You gone be able to play tonight?

MA’A
Nigga, you ain’t even supposed to be an All Black, I know yo’ punk ass ain’t tryin’ to ask me if I’m gone be able to play. Is yo’ Maori ass gone be able to play?

TANA
[pulls MA'A to the side]
Calm down, Lil T. . .I told you they got a Maori quota. They gotta have at least one of them whale riding niggas on the team.

MILS
[pulls JERRY COLLINS to the side]
Ya know, Ma’a, that’s my nigga but. . .he ain’t right for Glamour Diva. He’s too brash and immature . . .he can’t appreciate a woman like her. . .

JERRY COLLINS
I’d know how to appreciate her! I’d have that bitch jugglin’ dez nuts!!!

MILS
You’re worse than Nonu

JERRY COLLINS
[Laughs salaciously]
Aw, nigga. You know you wanna put a cowbell around her neck and fuck that bitch till she start mooing!!

MILS
[Walking away]
I ain’t got time for you, nigga. I gotta go check the S & P 500. [to the ALL BLACKS in the locker room] Which one of you niggas stole my Wall Street Journal??!!

[JERRY COLLINS lets forth a loud, rampant fart]

PIRI WEEPU
[Smells the sulfuric gas]
What the fuck is that smell?

NEEMIA TIALATA
[to JERRY COLLINS]
Nigga, don’t be fartin’ unless we in the scrum!!

JERRY COLLINS
Nigga, shut yo’ guitar-strummin’ ass up fo’ I chew dat other calf off!!

NEEMIA
Nigga, I know you ain’t talkin’ to me with all that dead grass on yo’ head!

JERRY COLLINS
Nigga, it’s Miss Claroil 122! And yo’ bitch ass can’t talk! Nigga use a whole year’s supply of hair gel in a day!

NEEMIA
Nigga, yo’ head look like a African veldt, look like elephants and tigers roamin’ on yo’ head.

JERRY COLLINS
Nigga, you look like a chicken ‘bout the head! Cluck, cluck, nigga! Cluck, cluck!!

NEEMIA
Nigga, it’s a faux-hawk!!

JERRY COLLINS
[Lets forth an even louder, more rampant fart]
Take dat, nigga!!

NEEMIA
Nigga, I said don’t fart less we in the scrum! Don’t make me twist yo’ head off with my thighs!!!!!

MEANWHILE. . .BACK AT THE PRIME MINISTER'S. . .

At the Prime Minister’s office, GLAMOUR DIVA is discussing the possible immigration of African-Americans to New Zealand. After her wild night with MA’A NONU, she is finding it difficult to concentrate, and she is having a problem remembering things. . .

PRIME MINSTER
Here’s the deal. In exchange for their fried chicken recipes, and watermelon eating techniques, the country of New Zealand is prepared to offer African-Americans the following: 1) Complete DVD collections of “Good Times” and “Sanford and Son”, or “What’s Happening?” and “That’s My Mama”. 2) A lifetime supply of Schlitz Malt Liquor, 3) Rick James’ greatest hits, plus 4) every black person will have a parade thrown in his or her honor featuring the Omega Psi Phi fraternity and the Gap Band!!!

GLAMOUR DIVA
Mister Prime Minister, with all due respect. . .

PRIME MINISTER
Yes. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
Where the hell am I. . .?

PRIME MINISTER
Listen, I was wondering. . .can you teach me how to do the Snake?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Who the hell am I. . .?

PRIME MINISTER
What about the Brass Monkey. . .?

GLAMOUR DIVA
How did I get here?

PRIME MINISTER
The Smurf. . .? The MC Hammer. . .? The Pee Wee Herman. . .?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Thoroughly discombobulated]
Uh. . .I gotta go. . .

PRIME MINISTER
Wait! Before you leave, can you show me how to put a hump in my back and lift my rump? Please!!!

Fifteen minutes later, in the back of her chauffeured car, GLAMOUR DIVA receives a phone call from MISS SAKAMOTO

GLAMOUR DIVA
Hello. . .?

MISS SAKAMOTO
Mils Muliaina wants to take you to dinner.

GLAMOUR DIVA
Huh. . .? What. . .?

MISS SAKAMOTO
Mills Muliaina wants –

GLAMOUR DIVA
Fine. . .whatever. . .

MISS SAKAMOTO
And Wentworth left you a message.

GLAMOUR DIVA
[hangs up with MISS SAKAMOTO and checks her voice messages]

WENTWORTH MILLER
[Via voicemail]

“Can’t We Try?” by Teddy Pendergrass

Can’t we try
Love was never born to say
Goodbye
Touch me one more time
And make me feel that I’m alive
And if we don’t survive
Then we will end like we began
And even though it’s over
CAN’T WE TRY!!!!
I WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME!!!!
TOUCH ME ONE MORE TIME!!!
AND MAKE ME FEEL THAT I’M ALIVE!!!!!!
AND IF –

GLAMOUR DIVA
[rolls eyes, disconnects phone]

Later, around 10 p.m., that night, GLAMOUR DIVA, with her memory regained, is having dinner with MILS MULIAINA

MILS
So. . .what’s up with you and Nonu?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[coy as she sips champagne]
A lady never tells. . .

MILS
Well. . .according to Nonu, you ain’t no lady

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Aghast]
Excuse me. . .?

MILS
Nonu says he straight raw dicked you. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Livid]
WHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT??????????

MILS
He was bragging about it at practice today. He was telling us how y’all went through every one of the Nerve.com positions of the day. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
He said WHHHAAAATTTTT???????

MILS
Three times. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
I don’t believe THIS!!!!

MILS
And according to him, you swallow. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Incensed]
That little pu$$y-eatin’ Samoan muthafugga!!!!

MILS
I could have told you not to get involved with him. He’s immature and he knows he’s the shit so he doesn’t respect women. He even told me that I could have you when he was finished with you.

GLAMOUR DIVA
I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him. . .[stands up]

MILS
Where are you going?

GLAMOUR DIVA
I need to be alone right now. . .I’m sorry. . I just have to go. . .

MILS
[Crestfallen as he watches GLAMOUR DIVA walk away]

“I Want You” by Marvin Gaye

I want you the right way
I want you
But I want you to want me too
Want you to want me, baby
Just like I want you
I give you all the love
I want in return sweet darlin'
But half a love is all I feel
It's too bad, It's just too sad
You don't want me now
But I'm gonna change your mind
Someway, somehow, oh baby
This one way love is just a fantasy, oh sugar
To share is precious, pure and fair
Don't play with something you should cherish for life, oh baby
Don't you wanna care
Ain’t it lonely out there


ACT THREE
Scene Five

The next morning, GALAXY MAFIA is having breakfast with GLAMOUR DIVA

GALAXY MAFIA
So. . .how’d it go with Nonu?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Don’t ask. . .

GALAXY MAFIA
That good?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Even better. . .except. . .

GALAXY MAFIA
Except what?

GLAMOUR DIVA
That little sack of Samoan shit told all the All Blacks that he turned me the fuck out!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
Did he turn you the fuck out?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Well. . .yeah. . .several times. . .but, that is not the point. Did you hear what I said? He told the entire All Black team that he screwed me 226 ways to Sunday!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
[Impressed]
226? Really?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Give or take two or three ways. . .but still. . .I can’t believe that dumb fuck would do that. We could have been such good fuck buddies but he had to go and fuck it up! Shit!!

GALAXY MAFIA
[Wistful]
226. . .wow! Maybe Nonu should hip Wax to the jive, yo?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Wax? You mean the island nigga who can’t hold his grog?

GALAXY MAFIA
Yeah. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
You had sex with him?

GALAXY MAFIA
NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Just a little heavy petting, a few kisses, some cunnilingus. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
Fellatio. . .?

GALAXY MAFIA
[Agog]
Surely you jest!!! Do I look like I swallow swords?

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Upset]
I just can’t believe my trip to New Zealand is turning out this way. First that idiot Prime Minister and now this slut puppy Nonu tellin’ all my business. . .I knew I should have just gone to the museums and called it a damn day.

GALAXY MAFIA
Yeah. . .so I guess you’re not seeing Nonu again. . .?

GLAMOUR DIVA
After what he did, hell no! What about you? Are you going to see Wax again?

GALAXY MAFIA
If I don’t he’ll just pout and cry until I start feeling sorry for him and give in.

GLAMOUR DIVA
You like him?

GALAXY MAFIA
Yeah but. . .something is missing. Can’t put my finger on it. . .I guess I wish he played the guitar. . .and painted. . .and wanted to be a teacher. . .and played tighthead prop. . .and was the linchpin of the Wellington scrum. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
That sounds like –

[GLAMOUR DIVA’S Blackberry interrupts her]

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Answers phone]
Hello. . .

VOICE ON PHONE
Is this the beautiful, hella fine Glamour Diva?

GLAMOUR DIVA
Who is this. . .?

VOICE ON PHONE
This Jerry Collins, baby. . .

GLAMOUR DIVA
[Looks at GALAXY MAFIA, rolling her eyes]
What do you want Jerry Collins. . .?

JERRY COLLINS
“Pony” by Ginuwine

I'm just a bachelor
I'm looking for a partner
Someone who knows how to ride
Without even falling off
Gotta be compatible
Takes me to my limits
Girl when I break you off
I promise that you won't want to get off
If you’re horny,
Let's do it
Ride it, My Pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it

GLAMOUR DIVA
Um. . .don’t think so. . .
[Hangs up phone]

GALAXY MAFIA
Who was that?

GLAMOUR DIVA
That big, dirty nigga Jerry Collins. Tryin’ to booty call me at ten in the morning!!!!

GALAXY MAFIA
So. . .what are you gonna do?

copyright 2006. . .galaxyMafia. . .would like to wish the All Blacks good luck on their upcoming test in England. . .and a special mwah!!! to scrum-daddy Neemia Tialata. . .don't go getting no six pack baby 'cause a little fat makes the chicken juicy and good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!