I really debated posting this information. Not because I give a damn about the subject of this really juicy gossip but because I didn’t want to get all our Dear Readers excited, thinking we were back to blogging…because we aren’t! No this is just some really good gossip that I simply had to share with you! Unless you’ve already heard it then never mind. But for all of you who don’t know…THIS ONE’S FOR YOU BIOTCHES!
How many times do I have to say To get away-get gone Flip your shit past another lasses Humble dwelling You got your game, made your shot, and you got away With a lot, but I'm not turned-on So put away that meat you're selling Cuz I do know what's good for me- And I've done what I could for you But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting Singing again, sing, sing again How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out It's time the truth was out that he don't give a Shit about me Get Gone - Fiona Apple
Are you ready? Okay…
Nonu got a baby ya’ll! Yes, THAT Nonu! No really, MA’A NONU of the 13-inch penis* and the 13-ounce brain** managed to get a woman pregnant! I know! I didn’t believe it when I read it either! But it’s so true! But wait, there’s more! The little bundle of sweetness and light is a BOY! God help him if he was born with his daddy’s eyebrows…but I digress…
But wait, there’s STILL more! The most shocking and inexplicable part of this whole sordid story is the incredible fact that the mother is NOT a white woman! No seriously yo! Not only is she not a white woman, she’s actually…get this…SAMOAN! To quote my source, who knew?! But more to the point, who would ever expect it? Lord knows the ‘Nesian brothas love themselves some white women! Unfortunately Nonu has already dumped her and moved on the next cum bucket…er, I mean Child of God. My guess is that he shut her down as soon as she told him she was in a gravid state! Which lead Ms. GD to postulate the following:
One day, nine months ago in Wellington, New Zealand in the parking lot of the local ghetto McDonald's at 9am on a Sunday morning just before church…
Unfortunate Samoan Lass: Hey Ma’a baby what’s up? Nonu:[Ignores her and continues to talk to his boys about beer, sex, Hip Hop, sex, whiskey, sex, rugby, sex, corn beef and vodka…and sex] USL: Ma’a please, I really need to talk to you! Nonu: [Sighs heavily] What bitch!? USL: I um, well you see Ma’a I um, well you remember two weeks ago when we were at your Mama’s house and I spent the night? You know, when she went to Auckland with your daddy and your brothers and your sisters and your nieces and your nephews and your cousins and your five play cousins and your Auntie Clarice who’s really not your Aunt but a family friend and…? Nonu: Damn bitch is there a point in this shit? USL: Well, um see we … Nonu: Fucked! And? USL: Okay yes but you said you didn’t have anymore condoms and I said I wasn’t on the pill and you said, “Well bitch I guess you better think positive thoughts ‘cause I’m ‘bout to nut” and… Nonu: Bitch you fo real need to say what you wanna say! [Raises hand in classic pre-pimp slap formation] USL: I’M PREGNANT! Nonu: Bitch is this a muthafuckin hoaks?
Hey, you keep fucking you're bound to knock someone up, or get knocked up right? It was just a matter of time really. Soooooo – to totally misquote Beyoncé – He didn’t like it so he didn’t put a ring on it![Everybody sing!] Wooohoh oh oh oh ohoh ah oh ohohoh!
Until next time Dear Readers!
Smooches, Glamour Diva
P.S. Congratulations to Mils Muliaina and his thievin’ wife Haley! They are the proud parents of a bouncing baby something or other. Honestly I was too upset to give a good gotdamn! It’s over. Haley ain’t never leaving his tight, succulent little ass now! Sigh. Still no word on Tialata, Sally, Tialata’s trouser snake and the possibility of more ‘Nesian rugby babies. Sigh.
* That was for you gM! Luv ya! **You see this is funny because the average human brain weighs about 3-pounds.
Don't be shy Dear Readers! If you have any gossip on any rugby player by all means drop us an email at rugbygossip@yahoo.com or Bebo and let us know. We don't discriminate, we'll take gossip on any player from any part of the world. Don't let the gossip die people!
“Bored now. This is the part that's less fun. When there isn't any screaming.” – Willow in “The Wish” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What’s my “wish”? That the thrill ride that was Super 14 2005 would return and wake me from my Sleeping Beauty like slumber. Or, if that’s too tall an order for the rugby gods to fill, I request that they kick South Africa, Australia and New Zealand in the ass and out of their Snow White like repose so I can, to quote Madonna, justify my love of this game! Jeez Louise I don’t think I can take much more of this! And I thought the World Cup was lame? At least there was a shock ending (AB’s losing in the quarterfinals), questionable coiffures (Michalak’s flocked wallpaper hair and Tonga not being allowed to die their hair green) and rags to riches performances (Argentina and Fiji) to break the monotony! But this tired shit here…I think I’m gonna take a page from Piri Weepu and Ma’a Nonu’s coloring book and threaten to switch to League if the level of play doesn’t get any damn better. Seriously Dear Readers…UGH!
The following are a list of old stories I found utterly preposterous but never got around to posting because of my serious lack of gumption so enjoy! – GD
Jesus Take The Wheel! I know this is old news but it bears repeating… Shut Up Jerry! And further more, kiss my black media ass! Stop whining like a bitch and play! If you don’t want the media in your business then stop playing rugby. That’s all there is to it really, become an anonymous, boring citizen or be a man and suck it up!
You can’t handle the rugby you have now! Australia wants an expanded Super Rugby franchise which is great for them but unless they spike New Zealand’s water supply with Zoloft, give all the players adamantium skeletons and delete the Air New Zealand Cup from the rugby calendar, this shit will never fly! But who knows, some folk want this and some don’t so we’ll see if John O'Neill gets his way.
Do these men have parents or did they sprout up out of a landfill? This is just so sad. The fact that this type of shit is needed says way more about our sporting culture as a whole then about the players individually. And this guy agrees with me! But I love this quote though:
The point the AFL is trying to make is that young men come into football and they go from the year before not being able to get a date for the social to suddenly half the nightclubs throwing themselves at them.
Indeed (I hope you’re reading this Nonu…)! But if this is what it takes to keep their asses out of court and free of STI’s then so be it! Can we get this program in the US?
The AFL should send a free DVD to this guy! Poor Leroy Houston. Read his sad tale of ignorance, inexperience and stupidity. Then weep for his banishment to the worst team in Australia.
And I thought the Bulls' Cheerleaders were skanks! Call me old fashioned, call me a prude but there’s just no cause for all this boobage, public stripping off of clothing and booty shorts (lingerie!) that barely cover the pubis as well as the crack of the ass! The Shark’s cheerleaders are on some straight hoochie shit fo reals yo! These South African folk are a trip!
And In 6 Nations News… They won't be able to tell Gatland nothing now! WALES WON! WALES WON! WALES WON! Charlotte Church and her boobs came out to support her man, Gavin Henson, and everybody had a grand old time! YAY!
Now instead of blowing all that tournament money on booze and prostitutes (Cause you know that’s what they’re gonna do), the whole Welsh National Team should head down to their local cosmetic surgeon/dentist/hairstylist and finally get all that tremendous fug worked on! Seriously!
Have you seen these guys? Save for one man, they all look like they fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! Is busted-upness a prerequisite for playing on the team? It would seem so according to their current roster of Quasimodo’s!
There are some beautiful people in Wales but this team…Lord this team…is sooooo not reflective of that fact! As the folk over in the UK say…bless their little cotton socks!
And finally… Why was this fool on that show in the first place? But still, nothing can be as embarrassing as being a rugby star with fat paper stacks and still living at home with your mother! I don’t care if your crib is worth a cool £1million; your MOTHER is in the house with you which, last time I checked, was enough to get you banned from the Ballers and Shot Callers Club for life!
Is this year’s Super 14 boring the shit out of you too? My computer was so bored it completely shut down. Seriously, she went to sleep Thursday night and didn’t wake up until sometime Sunday afternoon. I tried shoving her but she wouldn’t budge. So I just left her the fuck alone because, quite honestly, I felt her pain. But then my iPod, in a show of solidarity, decided to take an extended nap too and that was where I had to draw the line! Email and rugby shit I can live without but a weekend without music is a fate worse than death! Fortunately Mr. iPod decided to rise and shine this morning just before I left for work…typical male… - GD
Full On Fooliwang Damnit Nonu! Damnit Jerry! Somebody check on Nonu! What the hell is wrong with the boy? And what the fuck is going on with Jerry? Check on JC too while you at it! I would say they both need to calm down and maybe relax, have a drink and get laid but we all know lack of alcohol and sex is the least of their problems! Maybe Nonu is acting all discombobulated because of something I know which I can’t say anymore about because I’ve been sworn to secrecy? And maybe all the baby drama is finally getting to Jerry and he had to take it out on nigga’s face?
You didn’t ask for my opinion Nonu but uh…you need to check yo self before ya wreck yo self! Jerry will be on the next All Black’s squad no matter what but your spot, as you well know, is a bit more tenuous. Have you seen the opinion polls? When I took it most people thought you’d never see another black jersey unless you bought it your -damn-self! If you’re not going to show Graham Henry your peepee you best get you act together Bruv. Oh well, nigga has yet to listen to a word I say so…WHATEV!
Just look a him ya’ll! Sittin’ in the sin bin lookin’ like butter wouldn’t melt. Oooooo LAWD!
That’s not why they suck! I wish The Highlanders’ terrible game play could be blamed on bad hair but if we followed that logic every NZ rugby team would suck! Oh wait; they did lose the World Cup so I guess they may have a freakin point! Kudos to the NZ public for finally recognizing how shitty that shaved, mullet mess is although you left it a bit late don’t you think?
Bitch And Moan, Bitch And Moan! I don’t know who this Kronfeld dude is but he makes an interesting assessment! Check out the quote below regarding the recent rule changes:
I think it is shit, I think it is absolute crap personally
Indeed! If the Hurricanes’ current lackluster performance on the pitch is any indication then old, angry dude has a point. However, SHUT UP! If the IRB wanted your opinion you’d be on the next plane to Dublin, Ireland but as it stands you are sitting in Dunedin, New Zealand eating meat pies like you NZers love to do! If anyone has a right to complain it’s me and galaxyMafia; we’re the ones who have to struggle to make this shit funny! Get your priorities straight and chill out before that vein in your neck pops…fo reals homie!
Bits And Pieces Gatland stands on his Wales record and stands by the new asshole he ripped for New Zealand. I ain’t mad atcha boy!
Troy Flavell heads back to Japan after Super 14…and who among us besides Cécile really gives a damn? Yes, that’s what I thought…
The Chiefs are doomed and that’s all there is to it!
Richie, DC and Co. have way too much time on their hands and not enough razor blades!
I admit the NFL and the NBA have irrevocably spoiled me but in this situation imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery – it’s a fucking insult! Check out these so called cheerleaders in all their denim, cutoff booty shorts and horrendous dance moves glory!
Super 14 week three slideshow featuring: Sione getting his pants pulled down, Nacewa getting crushed to death, Mose perfecting his Heisman trophy stance with his sexy afro, Hurricane hug fest, Ig’nant Highlanders mascot and all up betwixt Richie’s legs. Listen to the commentary if you like but I suggest hitting the mute button.
And In Six Nations News…
I am so damn happy for Scotland, really I am, but shit if the English peeps aren't being hard on poor Jonny! He got the top scoring record ya’ll give him a break! It’s okay pookie toot, you’ll get’em next year!
Irelands scrappy little leprechauns could not out scrap Wales and were therefore sent home.
France poured Hollandaise all in Italy’s Marinara and that shit tasted just as good as it sounds! UGH!
In this episode The Sushi Girls™ give the “Green Light” to their apathy towards the Super 14! Experience the ennui as your girls: chat about Jonah Lomu’s “Lame Report”, ponder the possibilities of a Sione Lauaki without genitals, guess what flavor the teat milk of various players would be if they had teat milk, suffer Glamour Diva’s advice to UK soccer WAGs and boppers worldwide, chew over the fooliwang that is Piri Weepu’s new hairstyle, testify to the savagery of Conrad Smith’s orthodontia, calculate galaxyMafia’s mathematical Match Report, encounter the fug that is Chris Masoe and his stupid facial expressions, cheer the return of the ubiquitous Nonu Cam and much, much more!
If you'd like to watch this game while listening to our commentary you may download it at Media Zone . Click on The Rugby Channel then choose the appropriate game.
Hate it or love it we want to hear from YOU! Send all your complements, questions, suggestions, and complaints to Ms. GD and gM at the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com. If we really dig your comments we’ll give you a shout out during the next podcast!
In this episode The Sushi Girls™ party like it’s “Space: 1999” in honor of the return of the Super 14! Giggle with glee as your girls cheer the return of the wonderful Waratahs and their warrior ways, explore Tialata’s apparent genetic predisposition for being a fat ass, introduce galaxyMafia’s new Celebrity Impersonation Match Report, analyze the plight of the Aborigine people, confer about why NZ rugby players conceal their spouses from public view and why they’d never get away with that in the US, consider the continuing horribleness of the Hurricanes hairstyles, ponder Glamour Diva’s peculiar elation at the return of Jason Eaton, chew over the bountifulness of no-neck jokers on the Waratahs side, discuss the ever-present Nonu Cam and the impracticality of owning a Nonu in the first place, the Nesian’s continued infatuation with blond hair dye and buckets of KFC, chat about Piri Weepu’s “Lame Report” and much, much more!
If you'd like to watch this game while listening to our commentary you may download it at Media Zone . Click on The Rugby Channel then choose the appropriate game.
Hate it or love it we want to hear from YOU! Send all your complements, questions, suggestions, and complaints to Ms. GD and gM at the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com. If we really dig your comments we’ll give you a shout out during the next podcast!
The PTB down in Kiwi-land have decided to go on the offense and proactively provide an avenue to help young people cope with depression. galaxyMafia gives them kudos for addressing this problem, which is probably widespread. Who wouldn’t be depressed if they had to live on a little island in the Pacific with a huge problem of self-deluded isolationism? The fact that New Zealand actually exists on this planet is enough to make gM take to her bed but, she digresses. . .
Anyway, the website is www.thelowdown.co.nz and through testimonials from various famous folk – God forbid some teenager should seek help from his/her youth pastor or parent – it hopes to encourage kids to talk about their depression, yadda, yadda, yadda.
(personally, gM thinks this type of “celebrity altruism” is vainglorious and used as a platform for self-promotion for artists but the PTB need to be able to say, “Hey, we tried to help little Lelani!”)
Anyhoo, this may be of interest to you if you are 1) a depressed Kiwi teen or 2) foaming at the mouth over Ma’a Nonu, who was chosen as a “celeb” (and they use the term generously) to give the young folk some tips on fighting depression.
To his credit, Ma’a claims to have many family members who have been stricken with depression. His advice? “Spend time with your family members and friends. . .it’s important to be happy.”
The Nonu goes on to say he’s been though some tough times, playing rugby – getting fat, not getting picked for the RWC team, discovering eyeliner while recovering from a broken thumb, having women throw themselves at him for no other reason than he’s The Nonu and he plays rugby – and he encourages kids to “spend time with ya mates and ya close ones”. It is important, he claims, to “feel free to talk to someone you love”.
The Nonu says rugby is a “tough game” and admits there are times when the boys are “shy about being in trouble” – that is, when they don’t want you b!tches to know they cry in the dark in the fetal position. He says in the past he has tried to endure the crushing pain of depression alone, alas, that is not the answer.
“Dig deep,” The Nonu exhorts. “Because you have your own talents. . .”
As opposed to having someone else’s talents. . .?
Clearly, he was coached extensively and was probably given a cue card but, The Nonu pulled it off. galaxyMafia is not sure if his little Easter speech will keep some bloke from blowing his brains out – indeed, it just might have the opposite effect as watching The Nonu give advice might prove there really is no need to go on – but, he managed to pull it off, and look damn good doing it and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters anyway, right. . .?
Copyright 2007. . .galaxMafia’s tip for depression: Check out To’ofiga’s speech in Samoan!! If that don’t cheer you up then just kill yourself!
Those (seemingly) invincible gods of rugby (the ALL BLACKS) may have been knocked off their (lopsided) pedestal by a plague of frogs but the boyz of the Air New Zealand Cup (ANZC) are puttin’ it down, and getting’ it done. . .
. . .without JC, Masoe or Neemia Tialata . . .without the robot Dan Carter, or the over-rated “el capitan” Richie McCaw . . .without da big Tongan, or the flyin’ Fijians . . .without the ragin’ alcoholic Ali Williams, the holier-than-thou Mealamu or Lukey “thunder thighs” McAlister . . .without Woodcock, Carl “da Maori” Hayman or Greg “I-never-should-have-been-here-in-the-first-place” Somerville
Ma’a, Piri, John Afoa, Anesi, Jimmy Goperth, Troy Flavell, Mose Tuiali’i, et al are blowin’ up da spot. . .AND. . .they’re doing it WITHOUT “da black jersey”. . .
So, in the spirit of Mike Jones, the AB rejects can proudly say. . .
“Graham Henry didn’t want me I’m playin’ good He shouldna scorned me”
You love gossip and we love bringing it to you but we can’t do it alone! So we’re putting the call out to all our Dear Readers in New Zealand, Australia and Europe and asking you to help us make our blog, nay YOUR blog, better for you! We want to deputize a few hundred or so “Moles” to go out there, get the gossip and bring it in dead or alive for our new rugby themed celebrity gossip podcast – Caught Out There with The Sushi Girls! What’s in it for me you ask? Well other than our love and appreciation you get the thrill of calling out your favorite player and putting his business on blast all over the Internet!
We do have a few rules though and they are as follows:
When you send us the gossip, either through email of Skype, please include your real name and the real name of the player you’re reporting on. We won’t use your name but we need it just the same.
All gossip will be presented as Blind Items. We can’t use real names because that would be slander which is illegal in most countries.
If you have photographs we’ll use them but they must be your property! Taking personal photos from someone without their express consent is stealing and illegal in most countries.
And last but most importantly...we’d prefer your gossip be true or at least have the ring of truth about it. We understand if you have an axe to grind with a particular player but out and out lies, no matter how salacious and juicy, are just cruel and The Sushi Girls are honest…never cruel.
So what do you think Dear Readers? Are you up to the challenge? If you are then we can’t wait to hear from you!
Prof, Baby Boss, Under Boss and White Chocolate. . .thanks for your lovely birthday messages!! Prof, thanks for the card!!! Way cool, dude!!!
As a woman raised in the South, I was (rigorously) trained to send thank you notes, etc. and since I don't know your addresses (well, except yours U.B.) and I'm too lazy to go to the post office to buy stamps, I thought I'd thank you guys with the following video!!!
. . .Because y'all gave a rat's ass. . .
"Ma'agasm. . ." by galaxyMafia
copyright 2007. . .let's hope the WRU likes it as well!!!
Well…well…well. Our little group is growing by leaps and bounds! Today Pittsburgh, tomorrow THE WORLD! [Insert maniacal laughter] Please join us in welcoming the newest member of LULARP (Ladies for the Unbridled Lust and Appreciation of Rugby Players) – The Professor!
Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2007 14:47:32 -0700 From: Adrienne Subject: Love it! (with a Tialata sighting) To: the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com
Hello Ladies,
Just wanted to say that I love your blog and podcast. It is fabulous in ways beyond description. I just moved back after spending a year living in Wellington. NZ was unbelievable. I'm Black, Japanese, Cherokee and Scottish, and for once I was somewhere where people weren't asking me if I'm Hispanic.
I picked up a love of rugby...and the rugby men. Oh yes, I loved the men... The other great thing about Wellington is that you just run into rugby players when they're out and about. A girlfriend and I saw Ma'a (who another friend has informed is indeed a ladies' man and about as smart as a box of hair) at a bar the night before a game. He broke his wrist the next day. I also saw Jerry Collins at a bar/club late one night. He stepped on my foot. It hurt, but he had the decency to apologize.
A girlfriend and I even spotted Tialata at the mall one afternoon. He was at a jewelry shop with some little Pakeha (say "Pah-kay-ha") brunette. :) I can't say for certain if this was his partner or flavor of the day or what have you, but they were standing pretty close to each other, almost cuddling.
Anywho, I now I live in Pittsburgh, where I still have access to a few Nesians. Namely, Troy Palamalu from the Steelers. So, even though I occasionally miss New Zealand like nothing else, I still can get a small fix during the NFL season.
Keep spreading the word!
The Professor (The Lusty Wench formally known as Adrienne)
A gift from Adrienne ~ Members of the Samoan Sevens Team
Such an interesting, well educated and diverse group of women we have now! If only there were some way to get us all together… – The Sushi Girls
Okay I exaggerated...a little. The Nonu is safe and well and living (and loving!) in New Zealand BUT he’s a bit confused because he can’t remember where he put his Shimmer Shampoo, Coconut & Shea Butter Leave-In Conditioner, Extra Hold Tea Tree Locking Spray, and Samoan Pride Pommade! Your mission, if you choose to accept it, will be to help reunite the lovely Nonu with his beauty products! Ready…Steady…GO!
I love making puzzles! Maybe I’ll make more rugby themed ones? Maybe... – GD
The Sushi Girls really must visit France soon. Women there have the most wonderful taste in fashion, men…and blogs about objectifying them *cough* Anyway...and apropos of nothing...please join us in welcoming the newest member of LULARP (Ladies for the Unbridled Lust and Appreciation of Rugby Players) – Snow Bunny!
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 11:41:18 +1200 From: Snow Bunny To: the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com Subject: Desperate for more!!!
Dearest girls,
You do a marvellous job and I love your site, but why oh why can't I access the wonderful video clips you have made of Mr Tialata and the young Nonu..?! The suspense is simply killing me and the more I can't see them the more desperate I get! Please help! I can't find them on You Tube either...
What's a girl to do? Sione and Lome have whet my appetite and I just gotta have more! I love those pretty boys, even if they can't seem to string a sentence together[Aaawww! Lome speaks well…except for the little stutter…:( – GD].
From one desperate for some nigga action girl.
Thanks for reading the blog and listening to the podcasts baby girl! See you on Bebo! – The Sushi Girls
We love Fan Mail but we love witty, rugby loving young women even more! Please welcome the newest member of LULARP (Ladies for the Unbridled Lust and Appreciation of Rugby Players) – Chou Chou!
Date: Mon, 28 May 2007 02:09:46 +0200 To: the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com From: Chou Chou Subject: thank you!
Bonjour!
I discovered your website recently and I just wanted to thank you. I'm a rugby fan from France, and my favourite team is Toulouse, home of Michalak and all the best players in France, so of course the idea of a website about Unbridled Lust and Appreciation of Rugby Players is very appealing to me.... I found your site randomly, by googling Neemia Tialata, because there have been rumours here that he'll come play for Toulouse after the World Cup, so I wanted to see if I could find more info about that on websites in English. Well, I still don't know where he'll play next year, but I'm so glad I bookmarked your blog! Thank you so much for the hilarious podcasts, and all the gossip.... You two are fabulous! I learned a lot and laughed a lot. I don't know if I'll ever be able to watch the ABs play and keep a straight face now, I'll probably be giggling and thinking about "All Blacks: the Musical" (I found it so funny, I wish all my rugby friends spoke English so I could share it). Also, I think you have ruined Ma'a Nonu for me; I will never be able to take him seriously anymore...
I really hope you'll do podcasts for the June test matches! By the way, in the last one you were wondering why Michalak won't be playing: he's not injured again, thank God, but somebody at the IRB had the brilliant idea to schedule these 2 games the very same days as the semi-final and the final of our championship, so of course nobody from the 4 best French teams, including our dear Mimi, can go to NZ. The players that are going are mostly unknown and never play together. I feel for them, it's going to be a sad thing to watch...
Anyway, if you are accepting new members for LULARP, count me in! And if you are interested in gossip about French players, or shirtless pictures of hot French players, just let me know, I'm your girl: I have a plentiful "rugby eye candy" pictures folder on my hard drive....
Merci et au revoir!
Chou Chou (The Lusty Wench formally known as Cecile)
PS: Just to answer the question on your last blog entry, for me the Sexiest Guy of Super 14 2007 is Troy Flavell.
Thanks for the Hot pics girl - You ROCK…as hard as the Wellington Hurricanes didn’t this year! – The Sushi Girls
It started as a kind gesture from one human being to another and ended as farce. What’s that saying…no good deed goes unpunished?
Consider the following a “Cautionary Tale” Dear Readers – No matter how famous (or infamous), talented, athletic or stunningly gorgeous (And he is soooooo very pretty!) someone is, that person is first and foremost human and subject to all the foibles and shortcomings associated with being flesh and blood. I don’t really know what I expected but I suppose it wasn’t that he’d be quite so monosyllabic and paranoid! But then I guess his fears were justified since I’m publishing his emails to me huh? *cough* Moving on…
I had originally planned to reveal this correspondence over the course of a few days but I decided I didn’t want to drag it out like that. All the better to get on with all the hate mail I know I’m going to receive right? So enjoy all the juicy Scroll Down goodness to follow Dear Readers!
November 27, 2006
Mr. Ma'a Nonu C/O Wellington Rugby Football Union Level 1, 113 Adelaide Road Newtown, Wellington New Zealand
Dear Mr. Nonu,
I love rugby and I think you’re a wonderful player (The Wellington Hurricanes and Lions are my favorite teams) but I’ve noticed that you have more detractors, or as we say in the U.S. – Haters, than any other player in the whole NZRU! If fans and sports pundits alike aren’t wasting valuable trees and bandwidth complaining about what you can’t do then they are constantly talking about how hot to damn death (That’s U.S. slang for “very attractive”) you are!
I can only imagine how it must feel to receive such mixed signals all the time. Do they like me? Do they hate me? Do they like me because of my speed and power on the pitch? Or do they only like me because I’m sexy? Do they hate me because I’m an exceptional player who can only get better and because I’m sexy? Thank goodness I don’t have that problem – I know I’m an attractive and intelligent young woman so it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks! HA! But enough about me…
That press conference after the England test was just the worst thing ever! You looked so sad and dejected, I just wanted to jump through my computer screen and give you a great big Texas hug! You had your head down and you weren’t smiling which is, quite simply, just a damn shame because your megawatt smiles are the second best thing about world rugby (the first being lots and lots of well built men in shorts)! Your performance rating was way better than a four sweetheart. I give it a solid 7.5 out of 10 and that’s only because you were playing in an unfamiliar position and also because England wasn’t at full strength. Much respect to England but the All Blacks playing against them was like sending a Cocker Spaniel to fight a Rottweiler. Not really much of fight don’t you think?
Read this and know it Mr. Nonu: you did an excellent job in every game you played. You are not Tana Umaga but something just as special…Ma’a Nonu and as such you are fabulous just the way God made you! Promise me please that you will deliver no more pitiful speeches about how poorly you did and how you feel you let the team down? If the situation ever presents itself again and you need a helpful reference, take a page out of Tana Umaga, Jerry Collins and Rodney So’oialo’s book and just say that you know not everyone will be satisfied with your performance but that you did your best and as a child of God that’s all you’re required to do! This won’t completely silence your haters but it will quiet them down considerably.
And for goodness sakes stop blowing up Dan Carter’s spot! I’m sure he has many fine qualities but he is not the be all and end all of NZ Rugby! As I wrote at the beginning of this letter MY favorite team is Wellington so as far as I’m concerned all the other players and teams are only there to keep the Wellington boys occupied until it’s time to beat up on Europe, Australia and South Africa!
I will close this letter by leaving you with a bit of wisdom from those Dirty South, Hip Hop Sages, Quint Black and Scarface – “Shake Dem Haters Off” and “Do What You Do” respectively. Remember Mr. Nonu, never let’em see ya sweat and keep smiling baby!
Sincerely, Ms. GD mypersonalemail@yahoo.com
Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 11:44:48 +1300 From: "ma'a nonu" To: “Ms. GD” Subject: sup to
hello. . . well,sory but this may seem random..im writing to Ms. GD.. if thats ur name...concerning a letter i recieved, well. . thanx . . not sure wat ur backgroung is,but u must watch alot of footy.. if im wrong then im wrong,
just a kind regards 4 the letter,of ur concerns 4 th e tour last year..
sweet??. . hope al is well..take it ezy
8 dayz
[Okay Dear Readers, full disclosure here…I screamed like I’d been stabbed in the chest after I read this email! And I was still screaming when I called GM to tell her (through intermittent screams and panting) that he’d emailed me!]
Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 17:23:37 -0800 (PST) From: "Ms. GD" Subject: Re: sup to To: "ma'a nonu"
Dear Mr. Nonu,
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised by your email. Actually, surprised isn’t the best word choice – Astounded, Gobsmacked and Floored, I think, more accurately describe my reaction when I opened my email last night!
I never expected a response! With all the mail I’m sure you receive from fans all over the world, I just figured my letter would have been lost in the shuffle. But I am so happy you did, in fact, receive it and that you were kind enough to write back.
I have tons of questions for you but I won’t impose upon your kindness more than I already have. I’ll just close by writing that I wish you all the luck in the world – not that you or the rest of the Wellington Mafia need it – for the upcoming rugby season. I know 2007 is Wellington’s year to bring home the Super 14 and Air New Zealand Cup trophies. And I further know that the All Blacks, of which you will be a starting player, will continue to reign supreme through the June tours, Tri Nations, and on into the World Cup! Until then always remember:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phillippians 4:13)
Sincerely, Glamour Diva
P.S. What does “8 dayz” mean? And tell me, were you smiling your gorgeous smile when you read my original letter? Please say yes!
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2007 13:02:15 +1300 From: "ma'a nonu" To: “Ms. GD” Subject: sup to
sup..
i dnt realy smile dat often,mayb only at funny stuff 8 dayz is just good 4 the health...
im curious,u send out all leteers to the all blacks...an how long u been watching footy,cos houston is far away,not many know about rugby ova dea...kinda feels like a hoaks..????
ur age 4 1 thing.... u dnt hav too...just too far away too watch...
8 dayz
ps..i did smile tho
[The Nonu smiled when he read my letter y’all! Eeeeeeepppppp! But what would make him think I was hoaxing him?]
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 19:24:36 -0800 (PST) From: "Ms. GD" Subject: Re: sup to To: "ma'a nonu"
Dear Mr. Nonu,
Once again you have managed to leave me utterly flabbergasted! Okay…so I guess I should answer your questions and address your concerns.
No I don’t send letters to all the All Blacks and no, this isn’t a hoax. This may sound very clichéd but your letter was the, umm…first of it’s kind! Like I wrote in the original letter it really did bother me to hear you speak so negatively about your performance and for reasons I still can’t fully understand or explain I felt compelled to write to you and let you know that you did an excellent job! See, very simple right?
I’ve been a rugby fan for a few years now. It is very difficult to get games here so most of my knowledge about the game and the players has come from written accounts of games in the news and video clips on TV and the Internet. But it wasn’t until a few months ago that my friend and I discovered we could download full games from the Internet. We’ve been rabid fans ever since!
Houston may be far away but there are a few of us who know a little about the game. Texas has it’s own rugby union (http://www.texasrugbyunion.com) ya know! Also, there are many Europeans, Australians and even a few New Zealanders working and living here in Houston so there is a small demand for access to matches.
Now, when you write, “ur age 4 1 thing.... u dnt hav too” is that your way of asking me how old I am? Well I don’t usually answer questions about my age but I suppose I can tell you because you seem like a nice enough kid. I’m ____. Now it’s your turn to answer a few questions: 1. What does your name mean, that is to say, what’s the English translation, 2. What do you do when you aren’t playing or practicing rugby and 3. Are you really, seriously considering switching to League? Owing to the sensitive nature of that last question, I won’t grumble if you can’t answer it but please know that if you do tell me I promise I won’t tell anyone! Promise, Promise! Besides, no one would believe me anyway…
And I don’t believe you only smile when something’s funny; I’ve seen far too many photos and videos of you smiling like there was no tomorrow! But I’m not hatin’ on you sweetheart, I love every square inch of that stellar smile!
Sincerely, Glamour Diva
P.S. You know Mr. Nonu (If that is in fact your real name), I’m beginning to think you are the hoax!
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 12:14:37 +1300 From: "ma'a nonu" To: “Ms. GD” Subject: sup to
well...
im surprised,how do u know im the real thing.????
Nonu
[I know you can’t really read tone in email but doesn’t it seem like he’s insulted that I might not think he is in fact The Nonu?]
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 18:16:47 -0800 (PST) From: "Ms. GD" Subject: Re: sup to To: "ma'a nonu"
Dear Mr. Nonu,
Sup Hamo! I had a wonderful weekend Mr. Nonu, truly fabulous! Thank you so much for asking! *wink* How was your weekend? Did you do anything special other than, as Ice Cube said, be up in the club? Precisely how many spots did you hit and how many girls did you pull (Not many, if any? Sorry couldn’t resist! )? I have another question for you (seeing as how you didn’t like any from my previous email) – Have you met Chong Nee, Scribe or Savage and if so, what are they really like? Later Uso!
Sincerely, Glamour Diva
P. S. When you see Neemia Tialata next Monday, please let him know my friend galaxyMafia says hello! And I don’t know if you’re “the real thing”. That’s why it’s called faith sweetheart…
Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2007 22:58:24 +1100 From: "ma'a nonu" To: “Ms. GD” Subject: sup to
wasup girl
send me foto. . . cos the boys wana get to know you...neemia says hi. . .
sweet as...
fa
MA'A
[Okay this really creeped me the freak out! So he told all his friends about his correspondence with me? And now they all want to see what I look like? Why? Am I a drunken teenaged girl being passed around at a frat party? Eeeww as well as Ick!]
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 2007 08:48:16 -0800 (PST) From: "Ms. GD" Subject: Re: sup to To: "ma'a nonu"
Dear Mr. Nonu,
Sup gorgeous! What it do baby? Once again you’ve dropped another of your email bombs while still leaving all my questions unanswered. Well played Mr. Nonu, well played. But you will find me a formidable opponent! I refuse to give in to your calculated efforts to not release any information about yourself! Therefore I have still more questions for you to callously ignore – Who are these boys who “wana get to know [me]”? And what does “sweet as…fa” signify? Sweet as...the number four? Also, please let Neemia know that GM returns his hello and that she hopes his calf muscle is doing well. Keep smilin’ Hamo ‘cause you know I loves it baby!
Sincerely, Glamour Diva
P. S. I’ll send you a "foto" but I have to find a really good one and scan it first. While I do that, would you be so kind as to send me and GM a recent photograph of you and Neemia...together? Pretty please with a cherry on top? We’d like to see big smiles from the both of you okay? Thanks sweetheart!
Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2007 22:58:07 +1300 From: "ma'a nonu" To: “Ms. GD” Subject: sup to
DIS IS A HOAKS??
send a pix,an il believe you...
kind regards....
sweet ??
NONU
[Once again, I know you can’t really read tone in email but doesn’t it seem like he’s demanding I comply?]
Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2007 19:06:08 -0800 (PST) From: "Ms. GD" Subject: Re: sup to To: "ma'a nonu"
Dear Mr. Nonu,
You really pissed me off this time! In fact, you pissed me off so much that after I read your email I called GM at 6 a.m., waking her from a sound sleep, to tell her exactly how pissed I was. And after I read your email to her she became just as pissed. But alas, by the time we concluded with, I know he didn’t! and Just who the hell does he think he is? It was time for me to get dressed and leave for work.
While at work I tried to pray on the situation but it kept coming out wrong, something like: Lord, please keep me from going straight ghetto on his ass and cursing that nizzle clean the f*ck out! I tried writing a really nasty, long letter but that didn’t help either. So I just decided to concentrate on work and think about my response later. On the way home one of my favorite Chong-Nee songs came up on my iPod and I started to think about Super 14 starting this weekend and all the things I’ve learned and begun to love about New Zealand and it hit me that being so angry with some spoilt, petulant kid I don’t even know is a waste of precious time and energy! Why should I let you ruin all things rugby, New Zealand and even Samoan, for me?
So once again my writing to you was not a “hoax”. I don’t even know what you mean by that! Do you think I’m trying to get money from you? Do you think I’m angling for free airfare, accommodations and tickets to the World Cup? Do you think I’m a man masquerading as a woman? Or do you think I’m just being evil and messing with your head? Your definition of “hoax” eludes me sweetheart and I’m exhausted with trying to figure it out! Either way this is my third time writing this but once again, I really did feel badly for you after the England Test and I just wanted you to know that there was at least one person in the world who didn’t think your performance was crap!
To sum up Mr. Nonu, I don’t want your money or any free rugby stuff you might be able to procure for me. I don’t want to date you or marry you. I don’t want to use your celebrity to raise my profile because, let’s face it, it wouldn’t work here because there are only a handful of people in America who would even know what a Ma’a Nonu is and those who have heard of you wouldn’t believe I’d been emailing you. They’d think I’d been hoaxed!
If our attached pictures still aren’t enough to convince you that we are who we say we are and that we are genetically, and in our general appearance, female then you are more than welcome to call us and hear our very female and nonmoney-grubbing voices:
Ms. GD – 00 1 713 555 5555 GM – 00 1 281 555 5555 (Please be mindful of the time difference, as NZ is 19 hours ahead of Texas)
Call us weird, call us crazy, call us ugly…we’ve ceased to care. Peace on THAT Uso and keep smilin' baby!
Sincerely, Glamour Diva
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2007 16:14:22 +1300 From: "ma'a nonu" To: “Ms. GD” Subject: sup to
hey there..
neemia loves the foto's...and my mate nili is prety keen to meet u guys too....
hope all is well...
regards..
nonu..
ps...dats all 4 now...
[WHAT? I just called you on the carpet boy! Don’t you have anything to say about that? Well at least Neemia and Nili think me and GM look good…]
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2007 16:57:48 -0800 (PST) From: "Ms. GD" Subject: Re: sup to To: "ma'a nonu"
Dear Mr. Nonu,
DIS IS A HOAX??
Send a picture of you and Neemia together (And now, I guess, Nili too) like I asked for in my previous email and I’ll believe you...
Fa shizzle my nizzle?
Peace Uso!
Ms. GD
P.S. GM asked would you please tell Neemia that if he “loves” the pictures so much he should give her a call. And yes all is very well here, thanks! Also please tell Nili that GM and I said “Hi” and good luck to you, Neemia and the rest of the Wellington Clique on Saturday!
Date: Sat, 17 Feb 2007 04:48:37 -0800 (PST) From: "Ms. GD" Subject: Re: sup to To: "ma'a nonu"
Dear Mr. Nonu,
It’s been three weeks since I sent my last email requesting a photo of you and Neemia and I’m curious as to why you haven’t responded. Are you a collector Mr. Nonu? Do you collect photos of women like some people collect postage stamps, autographs or butterflies? Or maybe you’re so busy with Super 14 that you just haven’t gotten around to taking a picture of yourself or digging through the hundreds you already have showcased on Bebo?
I think demanding something like a spoilt child, receiving it, and then denying the giver’s request for the same is damn shady indeed! While I have great respect for you as a rugby player I am very disappointed in you as a person. But I suppose the jokes on me isn’t it? I didn’t want to believe it but I guess the rumors of you being incredibly self-absorbed and arrogant are true!
Good luck with the rest of the Super 14. The Reds made Wellington look like goats but you all redeemed yourselves in the games against the Chiefs and the Blues…but only just. We’ll see if the Brumbies will be your undoing. I hope you and your “boys” continue to enjoy yourselves at J&M Takeaways, Gizzy and all the rest of your hangouts and as always, Peace On That baby and keep smiling Hamo ‘cause you know I loves it!
Talk, well I heard talk is cheap But like beauty, talk is just skin deep And when you lie and you talk a lot People tell you to step off a lot Stetsasonic - “Talkin' All That Jazz”
Sincerely and The End, Glamour Diva
As of this post The Nonu has not responded and I don’t think he will…at least not with a pic of he and Neemia (And Nili The Scrub)! I’m sure I’m in for the cussin’ of a lifetime! Or maybe he’ll laugh? Or maybe he’ll be completely ambivalent about the whole thing? Or maybe…just maybe…it wasn’t…really…Nonu…at all?!?!? GM and I rolled that one around our pea brains for several days Dear Readers. Maybe I wasn’t really emailing Nonu but some other verbally challenged Hamo instead? But then even we didn’t think The Nonu & Co. were THAT childish! No, something tells me it was really him, or at least him being egged on by his “boys”. Sigh. The world may never know…
And even with all this I still think he’s the most beautiful thing in rugby shorts! Sigh. That smile (With head cock) freakin’ KILLS me! Double sigh… – GD
“Stupid Boyz” . . .an alternate version of the hit song “Stupid Girls” by Grammy-nominated artist P!NK with a decidedly rugby slant.
Hurricanes, Hurricanes, Hurricanes. . . Think if you act like that, you’ll get me in the sack. . .? Wellington mafia, why you have to be some stupid boyz
Go to Wellington, you'll find them there Half the team is gone, fans don’t care Looking for a way to win the next game (Forget Brisbane) What happened to the dreams of Super 14 Championship It’s World Cup year, so they don’t give a shit They troll in packs of two or three With their glasses full of vodka and their sleazy groupies Where, oh where, is Jerry Collins? Oh where, oh where could he be?
Maybe if I scrum like that, ABs will call me back Ted’s big Brahma bull, why you wanna be a stupid boy? Baby if I tackle like that, flipping my long dreds back I though you were the shit, why you havta be a stupid boy?
(Break it down now) Tialata’s got gout, his scrum’s collapsing Masoe won’t help his own kids Piri got cut, and he went half-crazy Ma’a can’t play center no more Dan the robot, kicks to the moon Ritchie will always cheat Stronger, faster world champions That's what Ted wants to see Hoochies all around Lots of corned beef to share Sione, I’m concerned Why’d you fuck up your hair
Maybe if I ruck like that, ABs will call me back Ted’s little mini Tana, why you wanna be a stupid boy? Baby if I maul like that, flipping my long dreds back I though you had some pride, why you havta be a stupid boy?
(Do ya thing, do ya thing, do ya thing) (I like this, like this, like this) Ma’a when you take the ball, always miss the tackle, huh Can’t score a try to win the game, stupid boy Tialata when you couch and hold, don’t forget to pause, engage You can’t hide them fat rolls, stupid boy
Maybe if I tackle that way, ABs will let me play Ted’s number one hit man, maybe you ain’t a stupid boy Baby if I maul like that, flipping my long dreds back Lome you ain’t the one, why’d you havta be a stupid boy
Copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia. . .hates to love the Hurricanes, and as always, wishes the Wellington Mafia luck in their many extracurricular activities!
We’ve added another member to our Political Action Committee – Ladies For The Unbridled Lust and Appreciation of Rugby Players – and her name is The Mole! No, she isn’t a small burrowing mammal but a grown up woman with connections to some of our favorite Ruggers! Just how tight are her connections? Well, not very tight at all BUT she lives in Wellington and knows people who know the players we love! But almost as important, she’s a nosey heifer just like The Sushi Girls and she loves to tattle! So without further ado, meet…The Mole:
Subject: Hello ladies! Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2007 11:00:18 +1300 To: the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com
A podcast… what a great idea! It’s a shame that my only net access is at work so I can’t download it – but it is a great idea nevertheless. In fact I can’t post you a comment or anything on your wonderful site, so thank you for finally putting up an email address!
This will be my first item of fan mail ever…. Your site has to be one of my favourites. I honestly piss myself reading it and I’m glad our Hurricanes do as much for you as they do for me. I nearly had a meltdown last week when I touched Ma'a’s bum walking past him at one club, and then downstairs at the same club was your personal favourite, Jerry. I may have to start sporting a camera and taking photos for you of these sexy beasts in their natural environments![Don’t you just love the way she animalizes them? Grrrrrrooooooowl! – GD]
Keep up the good work, especially on the Ma'a, Lome and Jerry fronts, and I'll keep you posted on shenanigans I hear of and see in little old Wellington – luckily it’s a small world and we see the boys often ;-)
“The Mole”
Now if we can just keep her sober [Ha!] and permanently strapped with a digital camera when "up in the club", we will have the makings of our own rugby tabloid show – Caught Out There withThe Sushi Girls! Move over Page Six and 3am …there are new gossip girls in town!
We wish we could publish the second email she sent us but even The Sushi Girls have scruples…sort of. We don’t like putting people on blast unless they deserve it and while The Nonu definitely deserves to have his business all out in the “skreet”, we don’t want anything bad to happen to our wonderful new friend, The Mole! Besides, we know what side our bread is buttered on and if the mole ceases to exist then all that lovely, salacious info will dry up quicker than Neemia Tialata’s hair gel in the Noon day sun! Right? We love you girl! – The Sushi Girls
Why Sushi? We don’t like sushi. We prefer our fish cooked but we respect the rights of all humans to eat their fish raw. Having said that, on to why we have dubbed this blog, Sex and the Sushi. Have you ever seen a man that was so hot to death you thought you’d do almost anything to have him? We’ve felt that way also which is why when we see a man like that we say we’d eat sushi off him. That’s right – he’s so fine we’d eat raw seafood off his hot body! Please send all complements, questions, suggestions, and complaints to Miss Sakamoto at the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com
Hate it or love it we want to hear from YOU! Send all your complements, questions, suggestions, and complaints to Ms. GD and gM at the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com. If we really dig your comments we’ll give you a shout out during the next podcast!
Our Rugby World Cup Podcasts
Warning: this podcast is definitely NOT SAFE FOR WORK so download our foolishness at your peril…
Hate it or love it we want to hear from YOU! Send all your complements, questions, suggestions, and complaints to Ms. GD and gM at the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com. If we really dig your comments we’ll give you a shout out during the next podcast!
Our Super 14 2007 Podcasts
Warning: this podcast is definitely NOT SAFE FOR WORK so download our foolishness at your peril…
Hate it or love it we want to hear from YOU! Send all your complements, questions, suggestions, and complaints to Ms. GD and GM at the_sushi_diaries@yahoo.com. If we really dig your comments we’ll give you a shout out during the next podcast!
