In light of the recent events surrounding the Pitt/Aniston breakup and the huge, foaming, rabid, seemingly indestructible monster that is now “Bradgelina”, I recently began to wonder whose side I was on, Jenny’s or Angie’s, and as I was leaning (like the fudging Tower of Pisa, baby, okay!) towards Jenny’s side, it sudden hit me like a damn Louisville Slugger up side the damn head: I’m really not for Jenny or Angie. I mean, after all, they are “white girls”. . .so, what the damn hell are they complaining about?

Okay, first let’s get a bit of housekeeping in order. Let’s see, how shall I spin this so that the potential damage is controlled in the most efficient, effective manner possible: I so do not have anything against “white girls”. I so like “white girls”. In fact, some of my best friends are so “white girls”. So there!

Now that that’s out of the way. . .



Why Jennifer Aniston has no (legal or moral) right to complain.

Don’t tell me I don’t feel Jennifer’s pain, okay. As a matter of fact, I too was ruthlessly, with no provocation, kicked to the edge of the driveway by a cold, Draconian bastard with an ice chip where his heart should have been. My ex-idiot boyfriend was, like Brad Pitt, a “Flintheart Glumgold” (go “Duck Tales”! It’s ya birthday!): A lame ass duck minus the Scottish burr, the feathers and the bill. I know what Jenny is going through. I know what it’s like to be hurt, betrayed, thrown away like a snotty tissue. I know what it’s like to cry and lose 35 lbs because your appetite disappears. Now, granted, I don’t know what it’s like to be on the cover of Vanity Fair and tell all my damn business but, the night is still young, as they say.

But, it’s like this: Jennifer Aniston was married to BRAD PITT for about four years!!!! To me, that is quite an accomplishment considering the fact that Jenny is just a regular looking white girl. She’s got those cute/pretty looks that show up on girls in your local suburban mall on the weekends. And yet, she snagged Brad Pitt. She got that fool to actually MARRY HER!! That’s what she deserves the Emmy for! “Best Jedi Mind Trick by a Plain Jane on the Sexiest Man Alive (Twice)”.

As a black girl, I couldn’t get Brad Pitt to take a first glance at me, let alone a second look. Well, at least not in public, anyway. (*cough* Pitt belongs to that exclusive club of white men who likes they chocolate addiction in the closet *cough*). I would’ve had to have had a gun on Mr. Pitt for him to marry me, and even then, he probably would have said, “goddamnit, bitch just shoot me!”

So, what the hell is Jenny complaining about? Okay, so the marriage to Brad Pitt is over. But, still, all is not lost for Jenny. That’s because she’s a “white girl”! And “white girls” can’t loose! Somebody needs to remind Jenny forthwith that she’s a damn “white girl”.

That means she’s. . .
1) beautiful by default even though she’s really not beautiful
2) got a great body. . .even if she’s got a bad shape and a flat ass
3) rich
4) making movies. . .even though no one goes to see them
5) guaranteed to find another hot, fine man (please, Lord, not Vince Vaughn) in the next two weeks or so
6) put up on a pedestal. . .especially by black, Asian and Latino men
7) the standard by which all other beauty is judged not good enough
8) the target demographic for every major fashion label and cosmetics line

As I said, Jenny has no right to complain. Really, she should thank her lucky stars. If she wasn’t a “white girl”, if she was (quelle horror) a black girl, then Brad wouldn’t have married her. He would have kept her in the closet and only pulled her out on rainy days when he was hankering for a chocolate fantasy!

galaxyMafia. . .finds "white girls" to be charming and engaging. . .really she does!!!