JENNIFER GARNER. . .

Now, class, see if you can follow along.
Today’s lesson: JENNIFER GARNER - HOW TO BE A SKANK HO AND STILL BE ADORED BY THE PUBLIC

Okay, she cheated on Scott Speedman with Michael Vartan. Then she cheated on Michael Vartan (whom she refused to be seen in public with – must be taking lessons from them chocolate loving white boys – you know who you are, Paul Walker!). then she kicked Michael Vartan to the edge of the driveway for Ben Affleck. Then she got Michael Vartan kicked off “Alias” because she didn’t want to do love scenes with him anymore. Talk about a bitch in sheep’s clothing! Can you say vicious, devious skank class? You can? Well, good, you say it. Because if I do, I’ll be accused of throwing stones, and we all know that good Christian girls don’t ever throw stones, right?

Okay, a few months ago, it came out that Jenny G was having a kid outta wedlock with Big Ben (and I do believe I mean that in every sense of the word. . .there’s a reason why it chimes every hour on the hour, ya know?) and she had the unmitigated cajones to be very hurt that it came out before she could tell her friends. Oh, please, Jenny. Like your friends didn’t already know you were a skank ho? Whoops. . .that wasn’t a stone in my hand, was it? Sorry, my bad. What it comes down to is this: Jennifer Garner has no right to complain about people being all up in her beeswax because. . .she’s a “white girl”!

Key points to remember:
(Each one will count for 25 points on the test!)

1) As a “white girl”, Jennifer can have a show on ABC in which she plays a tough, kick-ass white girl (now, if that ain’t living in the neighborhood of make believe, I don’t know what is! Somebody call King Friday and Lady Elaine Fairchild!) even though nobody watches the damn show and it should be taken off the air and replaced with some other more deserving, more worthy show.

2) As a “white girl”, Jennifer can show up on the covers of IN STYLE, GLAMOUR and MARIE CLARIE, and in the accompanying interviews can be referred to as, “prettier in person” and “lovely” and my all time favorite, “beautiful”. I mean, come on, I see prettier white girls down and the Big & Nasty where I toil as a cog, er, bookseller. Jenny’s got lackluster hair, pinched features and a flat ass. Ben must be having withdrawal symptoms!! After J. Lo and that booty that charmed America, I know he’s crying bitterly into his pillow at night. I love ya, Ben but alas, I can’t feel ya pain. That’s what ya get for playing it safe. . .shoulda took a cue from Bobby DeNiro!

3) As a “white girl” she can put some mean ass Jedi Mind trick on a Cadillac-driving fugga like Ben Affleck, scaring him into thinking that caramel and chocolate would be bad for his teeth! Hey Jen, Luke Skyywalker called. He wants the Force back! Not only did she get that fugga to spawn with her but, when she gave him the ball and chain, he happily clamped in around his ankle. No wonder Ben’s career is in the toilet.

Well, I suppose he could always do seminars. . .you know, How to deal with being p***y-whipped after you’ve been gelded!

Jenny, if you was Latina, or Asian or (worse) black, your ass would be on UPN and you woulda been cancelled by now!


COPYRIGHT 2005 - Allow galaxyMafia to say it one mo' time. . .she likes white girls. . .they usually show as characters in most of her books!!