The thing I love most about being an American citizen is our right to free speech. Yes I know conservatives are trying their damnedest to dismantle the Bill of Rights but until I see them burn the United States Constitution and stomp out the flames with their shiny jackboots on the steps of The White House, I’ll continue to say what the hell I want, when I want.

Having said that, there are still times when I get the urge to tell certain people to just shut the hell up! Why you ask? Because they add absolutely nothing to our lives except fodder for water cooler chitchat…and blogs. [Ha!] Say what you will about "Brangelina", but at least they’re keeping their mouths closed. And if by some chance they do decide to open their mouths it’s only to plug their latest schlock fest of a movie (technically “acting” is considered work and part of that work is to promote your product – you!), charity work or their love of adopting ethnic children. It’s boring as hell but at least it serves a purpose and doesn’t make me bleed from the ears! If only the rest of the world would follow suit…

My current list of people whose lips I’d like to permanently zip are:

The View – Shut your cake hole! Meredith Vieira and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the token “conservative”, don’t really bother me too much. It’s those other three wenches that make me want to cut my own head off! Joy Behar, Star Jones Reynolds and Baba Waawaaa…er; I mean Barbara Walters, are the three most obnoxious, screeching Rhesus monkeys to ever walk the face of the earth! If it isn’t Star flapping her gums about herself and her gay ass husband (Bisexual my ass!) or Joy cracking wise like a middle-aged comedian at a resort in the Catskills (Circa 1958), then it’s Barbara with that droning voice and holier than thou attitude! They never let their guests get a word in edgewise and they often insult them! They’re so caught up in their own supposed fabulousness that they’ve forgotten one important fact – THEY SUCK! The three harridans get an extra slap across the face with a flounder for good measure! Shut Up!

Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson’s Fathers – Quiet you! You have Michael Lohan getting as drunk as Cooter Brown and getting his ass thrown in jail on one side and then you have Joe Simpson on the other, waxing poetic about his daughter’s breasts! While Michael could probably get his shit together with the help of intensive therapy and lots of psychotropic drugs, I fear Joe is a lost cause. When you are quoted in the media rhapsodizing about your daughter’s hot body there is really nothing more that can be down to pull you back from the precipice of hell. Let’s all push him over and be done with it I say. As for Michael, let’s check him into rehab and get the whole Lohan clan into therapy so they can begin trudging down that long, hard road to recovery and…Shutting Up!

And a special preemptive Shut The Hell Up goes out to:

Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey – Silence! We all know why this marriage is ending; Nick’s ego can’t handle Jessica making more cheddar then he does. It takes a real man to sit back and let his wife bring home the bacon. Instead of sitting there with a sour face you could cook it maybe? If you can’t follow in the illustrious footsteps of Chad Lowe (husband of Hilary Swank) and Ryan Phillippe (husband of Reese Witherspoon) then maybe you don’t deserve to have a wife. Do you know how many men would kill to be in your place? Not only is your wife fine as hell (Just ask her father!) but she makes a shit load of money! What’s to complain about? Besides, marriage is a partnership - not a competition. Each person brings different gifts to the relationship and each person has their time to shine. So Nick, you can either swallow your pride and be supportive of your wife or you can punk out and divorce her. Whatever you do just remember that we don’t want to hear about it! Shut Up!

Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut Up!

Glamour Diva looks forward to the day when she can keep Hill Harper, of CSI:NY fame, in the manner to which he’s become accustomed. - GD