I know what you’re thinking…THIS IS A BLOG ABOUT THE OBJECTIFICATION OF MEN?!?!?!?

I know but as this is my damn blog I can write what ever I wish and you can just sit in the corner in the fetal position, pouting and sucking your thumb if you don't like it!

So why Cleopatra you ask? Well Sunday I was watching a special on the History Channel about ancient Rome. When I tuned in they were discussing the reign of Julius Caesar and the events that followed immediately after his death. While watching the program I realized something I’d never really paid attention to before. You see, the world is so caught up in the glamorous, Hollywood, Elizabeth Taylor, star crossed love affair crap of Cleopatra and Marc Anthony’s relationship that we’ve missed one vital piece of history – Cleo was a true pimp!

Yes that’s right, I said pimp! Cleo worked her jelly for two powerful Roman rulers! While, by all accounts, she admired and respected Julius, she really thought Marc Anthony rode the short yellow bus to school (Beep! Beep!). I’m not kidding! Cleo was first and foremost the Egyptian ruler therefore, everything (and everyone) she did had to serve a purpose and that purpose was always the glory of Egypt.

You see, while she thought Juli was intelligent and kind of sexy she really only hooked up with him to help Egypt as they were having some serious political and agricultural issues at that time. She knew that if the Roman ruler was on her side the wheels of the Egyptian government would turn more easily because Juli would be so caught up in what she was putting on him in the boudoir that he would leave her queendom the hell alone. And that shit almost worked, until Cassius, Brutus, and the rest of the Senate fucked it up for ever-damn-body!

Now she was a single mother (her child with Julius was named Caesarion) and the future of Egypt was still cloudy. So it’s 44 BC, your baby daddy is dead, your loyal subjects are starving, the government and your damn family are plotting against you, and those fucking Italians are acting a monkey not too far from your borders. What was an Egyptian Pimpess to do? Get a facial, munch on a few figs and wait for the Italians to battle it out, that’s what! She didn’t have long to wait. Marky Marc, Octavian (soon to become Caesar Augustus) and poor flunky Lepidus decide to make it a threesome. Marc and Octavian some relieved themselves of Lepidus and then the real fun began…

Marc Anthony seemed like the right choice at first. He was attractive, had the power and Octavian was gravely ill. It looked as though all was not lost after all! Cleo put on her best Pimp Suit, grabbed her barge and met Marc in Tarsus. It was lust at first sight. Cleo knew young Marc was a true vulgarian (like most spoiled, deviant, shiftless aristocrats then as well as today) but he was pretty to look at and, she thought, if she could deal with Julius she could certainly deal with Marc’s punk ass! They spent a year together in Alexandria, flossin’ like mad, until Marc retuned to Rome.

Now Marc was a punk ass trick but she didn’t know just how much of a Mark Bitch he was until she got the news from Rome. Marc married Octavian’s sister, Octavia (his first wife died years earlier) and proceeded to make nice with Octavian while simultaneously getting Octavia preggers. In the meanwhile, Cleo gave birth to Marc’s twins (!) and kept waiting. Finally Marc sent Cleo word from Antioch (BC=Booty Call no doubt…) that he was finally ready to see her.

Now here is where I think Cleo, like many women, made her tragic error. Instead of staying with Marc, giving him money, supporting an ill-fated war against the Parthians and giving birth to a third child (!!!) she should have kicked his “no count” ass to the gutter. But no, our girl traded in her Pimp Suit for an apron and started singing “Stand By Your Man” at the top of her lungs. Marc Anthony was good at making promises and even kept a few of them be what he lacked was foresight. He thought he was untouchable and he convinced Cleo that he was too. He divorced Octavia and installed himself and his second family on the Egyptian thrown. This only pissed off Rome even more. They hated Cleo (like all good haters do) and used their marriage as a reason to divest themselves of Marc Anthony, once and for damn all!

In 31 BC Octavian (refreshed and ready for battle) and his generals kicked Marc’s ass all over Actium (and took plenty of names) and a year later Marc showed his true punk ass colors and stabbed himself to avoid being captured by Octavian in his backyard, Alexandria. So now, because of Marc, Octavian was so not feeling anything Cleo had to say. It was truly a “my way or the highway” type of situation. Cleo was a true Pimpess to the end and told Octavian where he could stick his highway. She killed herself and joined her pimpified sisters in heaven. Unfortunately, she forgot about Caesarion! After she died, Octavian had she and Julius’ son choked to death…damn Cleo. Couldn’t you have slipped the boy some poison, used the snake on him too or maybe bundled him up and sent him to Syria on the DL? Pimps up, kids down I guess…

One very curious thing happened after all this bloodshed (and poisoning and strangulation…), Octavia, Marc’s former wife, took his kids and raised them as her own. How’s that for forgiveness? You go Octavia!

So I suppose the moral of this story is that behind every Pimpess there is an asshole of a man waiting to fuck her shit up if given half a chance. So ladies, if you must fall in love, make sure you have your own shit so when your beautiful but stupid man starts to ruin things pack your shit, your kids, and your barge and get the fuck up out!

Take heed to this cautionary tale and don’t let Cleopatra’s death be in vain ladies. Pimpesses up, dumb ass men down! - GD