NAME: Jerry (as in Jeremiah!) O’Connell

AGE: 31 (flavors baby and I don’t mean Baskin-Robbins, okaaaay!)

HEIGHT: 6”2 (now that’s what I’m talking about! We is cooking with gas up in here, baby!)

WEIGHT: Not sure but he looks to be a nice slab of beef!

WHY SUSHI SHOULD BE EATEN OFF HIM: Because he looks quite lovely in those Perry Ellis ads. Kinda like trailer trash WASP.

ON WHAT PART OF THE BODY SHOULD YOU EAT THE SUSHI OFF HIM: Why, that six-pack, bien sur! Pop the top, honey!

WHERE SHOULD YOU BE WHEN YOU EAT THE SUSHI OFF HIM: Traveling through a worm hole on your way to a parallel universe in which women rule the world and men are all stupid bastards, they just don’t realize it yet. . .wait, that is our universe, ain’t it. . .?

WHEN SHOULD YOU EAT SUSHI OFF HIM: After “Crossing Jordon” goes off. . .or, anytime during “Kangaroo Jack” EXCEPT for the part when the kangaroo does “Rapper’s Delight”. If you find yourself eating sushi off Jerry at this time you must STOP and DESIST eating any or all sushi AT ONCE less a piece of partially masticated raw fish get stuck in your throat and you nearly choke to death while Jerry does the “Cabbage Patch”.

PROPENSITY FOR VIOLENCE: While I do believe Mr. O’Connell could quite aptly give or take a punch, I am inclined to think that he’s just a softy. Cut open his chest and marshmallow cream will ooze out. . .which, if you happen to have some graham crackers, a Hershey’s milk chocolate bar and a roaring campfire nearby, will be quite fortuitous for you!!!

STALKER QUOTIENT: 4.09.5. . .or, would that be the number of days he’s got until his TV show is cancelled and he has to go out and find a real damn job!

SHOULD/COULD/WOULD YOU QUIT YOUR JOB FOR HIM: You might be tempted but, yield not, mamacita. “Sliders” (a show I absolutely adored, by the by) wasn’t on long enough to have garnered him any serious royalties so, my advice would be, wait until he stars in a few movies that pull in some hella box office numbers. [You ladies who love Matt McCoughney know what I’m talking about. . .such high hopes, such diminishing returns!]

IS HE WORTH FIGHTING EX-HORIZONTAL TANGO BUDDY SADIE PRINZE (OTHER WISE KNOWN AS BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER) FOR? Not that Jerry really deserves to feel that worthy but, wouldn’t you just love to open up a 2-liter bottle of kickass on Sarah Gellar? Shoot, you’d be justified fighting Sarah because she allowed herself to be typecast as a B-list nouveau horror queen. Even her own agent said she can’t do nothing but open her eyes real wide and look like somebody just dropped her off in the barrio with that pasty faux Latino hubby of hers.

IF HE SHOWED UP AT YOUR DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH THAT NEVER DO WELL BROTHER OF HIS, CHARLIE (WHO LOOKS LIKE A DISHARMONIOUS DUPLICATION OF JERRY AND WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN NAMED TOM) WHO HAD JUST BEEN SLAMMED IN THE FACE WITH A BAG OF HOT NICKELS, WOULD YOU. . .THANK THE LORD JESUS THAT IT HADN’T BEEN JERRY WHO WAS HIT IN THE FACE? TELL CHARLIE TO SUCK IT UP BECAUSE AFTER ALL, THAT’S WHAT HE GETS FOR BEING SUCH AN UNABASHED HO ON “THE BACHELOR”? INQURE AS TO THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE BAG OF HOT NICKELS. . .AFTER ALL, YOU COULD GO TO THE CASINO WITH THAT MONEY! SURMISE THAT HOT NICKELS COULD DO THAT FUGLY MUG OF CHARLIE’S SOME GOOD? Doncha just hate it when a good-looking guy shows up with his dumb-ass, ugly-ass, stupid-ass, punk-ass little brother? Unless the bros are Siamese (or Grimm but, that’s another post), you can definitely do without the keeper. Funny thing is, Jerry and Charlie used to look alike BUT that was a long damn time ago. . .they ain’t in elementary school no more so don’t feel obligated to waste your good Band-Aids on Charlie’s ass. But, do ask about the nickels. . .they would have probably cooled off by then!

GalaxyMafia. . .can steam broccoli to tender perfection. . .and thinks the peach mango water from CVS is tops!!!!!