Russell Crowe – Chocolate Warrior!

Russell, says fan and some-time fellow chocolate jacker Fred Durst, is a chocolate jacker’s chocolate jacker. “That fucker Russell is so smooth. He’s slick with his jacks. That fucker with mind fuck you into giving you his chocolate.”

Kid Rock agrees. “What Russ does is, he punks you into giving him your chocolate. he ain’t gonna fight for it.”

Not so says a pal of Crowe’s, who will only speak on condition of anonymity. “That’s a discredit to Russell to say he won’t fight for chocolate. Russell doesn’t have time for mind games. Durst, he’s a chocolate pussy. . .he hangs on Russell’s dick, begging for scraps ‘cause he’s too chicken shit to go out and jack somebody for their chocolate. Make no mistake. . .if Crowe wants your chocolate, then mothafucker, you’re gonna ass up off the chocolate.”

Russell Crowe will not comment on the anonymous source but he’s quick to tell me that he’s never met Durst or Kid Rock, and even if he had, he wouldn’t going around with them jacking guys for their chocolate.

Concerning their post-Academy Award limo ride, Courtney Love says, “All he did was talk about chocolate all night long. I wanted him to screw me. He said he would rather talk about chocolate. He made me feel like a turd in the punchbowl but he’s got this way of talking about chocolate. . .I can almost understand why he’s obsessed with it. . .and why he needs to possess it so violently.”

“The thing with Russell and chocolate is,” says Joaquin Phoenix, Crowe’s Gladiator co-star, “He can’t enjoy the chocolate unless he’s snatched it out of some guy’s hands. He sees chocolate as something to be conquered.”

Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom agree. After a taxing take on the set of “Master and Commander”, Crowe had the duo flown in to provide a quick chocolate fix when a stray dog had found his way into Crowe’s trailer and ate the star’s chocolate.

“Russell was livid. He was screaming, throwing things, yelling about the dog and the Un-Chocolate,” says a set decorator. “He thought the dog was working for the Un-Chocolate, that they had hired the dog to eat his chocolate.”

Crowe denies those claims, saying he was upset because he’d stubbed his toe.

Not so, claims a lighting technician. “It was the chocolate. The director was in a panic because Russell was threatening to walk off the set if he didn’t get some chocolate. We sent a continuity guy out to get a Mars bar. . .” At this point, the technician hesitates, a fearful pall clouding his face. “It was bad. . .”

Bad in what way?

According to the lightning technician, when the continuity guy ran back to the set with the chocolate, Russell charged at him, tackled him to the ground, and began slapping him over and over, saying, “Give up the chocolate mothafucker! Give up the chocolate! I’m Russell Crowe, goddamn it! And you will pony up the chocolate!!”

Crowe denies and dismisses this claim. However, a lawsuit was filed and quickly dropped after being settled by Crowe’s attorneys for an undisclosed amount.

- galaxyMafia. . .thinks Mr. Crowe would benefit from having his fudging heart broken