“Do you need any help with anything today?”


HOW TO GET A JOB IN RETAIL (WHICH YOU ARE OVER-QUALIFIED FOR BUT IT’S ALL ABOUT WARM BODIES SO THEY’LL PROBABLY TAKE YOU)

Remember: A department store is a department store is a department store. Don’t buy into that jabberwocky they try to feed you about how they are different from Department Store X and Department Store Y because they provide excellent customer service and they care so much more about the customer and yadda, yadda, yadda. Ask yourself. Honestly, can you really tell Saks from Neiman’s? If I took a Prada bag bought at Neiman-Marcus, cut the tags off and tossed it in Saks shopping bag, would you be able to tell me, full of much indignation and self-righteousness, “That’s not a Prada bag from Saks! That bag was bought at Neiman’s!” I don’t think you would be able to, and if you could, then definitely, go apply at Neiman-Marcus and be sure to list this amazing, uncanny skill you have on the resume. Point is department stores are basically the same. They all want you to smile and greet the customer, push their (most of the time over-priced, marked up 400%) merchandise, and help their customers get more in debt by hawking their 21 percent interest a month credit cards.

PEOPLE YOU WILL MEET WHEN YOU WORK IN RETAIL

Ms. High-maintenance. These are usually housewives who under some mistaken impression that you are their personal shopper at Saks Fifth Avenue. Remember, Saks Fifth Avenue probably won’t hire you. And she can’t afford to shop at Saks, anyway. Also, middle market department stores that cater to middle class America don’t offer personal shopping services. Nevertheless, this woman will expect you to suggest what clothes she should buy, provide the benefits of each item of clothing, take each item of clothing and put it in the fitting room for her, and stand outside the door of the fitting room at attention just in case she needs another size. And she wants you to tell her those low-rise stretch pants look great even though they make her look like a gelatinous rhino. Just smile and say they look great.

Ms. Return. She only comes to return items. She’ll hand you a long receipt, and most likely, you’ll see indications where she’s returned other items. Warning: Sometimes, Ms. Return will not have a receipt. That doesn’t matter. She still wants to reimbursed, in cash, the full price she paid for the item. Even if she got it on sale and used a 20% off coupon. And if you tell her the policy is that when a customer wants to return an item without a receipt and they paid cash, they can only get a store credit to buy more merchandise, she will begin to shriek like a wounded banshee. She will want her cash because she does not want to buy anymore clothes from your store because she really doesn’t like your store. You will repeat the policy. She will want to speak to your manager because you, the boot-licking peon, have no authority

Ms. Declined Card. She’ll come walking up with five hundred dollars worth of merchandise she wants to put on her card. The both of you know it probably won’t go through but, you’ll try anyway. And when the card is declined due to insufficient credit, she’ll immediately begin her big production of telling you she doesn’t know why her card was declined because she made a payment and she just returned some other items so the card should work. You line will be: “OK, let me call credit.” Credit will tell you the card was declined because the customer only has $2.13 available to charge. When you tell the customer this, she will pretend to be shocked and go ballistic. She will demand to know how that can be true because she made a payment to her account and she just returned some other items so the card should work. You will let her speak with credit. The credit department will tell her she only has $2.13 available to charge. She won’t believe it, she will scream at credit representative, etc. This dog and pony show will go on until Ms. Declined Card realizes that the store is not going to let her use the card to charge the items. At that point, she will either pay cash (and you will not be surprised when she throws five crisp, perfect one hundred dollar bills at you), or she will storm off in a huff, promising to besmirch the good name of the department store to everyone she sees.

Ms. Special. She wants everything to be on sale. She wants you to check the price of every item of clothing she has. She will only buy something if it’s been marked down at least fifty percent. If an item of clothing has been marked down 25%, she will suggest to you that it should be marked down more. She will want to use expired 20% off coupons. Because the mailman delivered it to her house late. So, you should let her use the coupon because it’s not her fault that the mailman didn’t deliver it on time. You will tell her that is not the policy. She will ask to see a manager.

Warning: Sometimes, your manager will let her use the coupon. She will thank the manager profusely and praise the customer service of the store and promise to write the CEO a glowing letter. Don’t be fooled. When the manager leaves, and you ring up her purchases, she will lift her head so that she can look down at you in a haughty, smug way because she got what she wanted. But, it’s okay. You’ll be five inches taller than her and her card will be declined.

Customers to beware:

Ms. Spilt Personality Shopper. When you ask this chick if she needs some help, she says, “No thanks, I’m just browsing.” Then, as soon as you turn around and take two steps, she says, “Do you have this in a size four?” Now, don’t try to fool her by not walking away. She won’t ask you for help unless you turn around to leave.